He actually told me the other day Remember I used to tell you I used ex-GF a little bit for money? Yes this is kinda this way. He had a GF that he was on and off for 5 years before we met, he wasn't way into her but she adored him and make his life a bit comfortable. They got back together once because she bought a house and as if put it lured him in. He's later referred to that as her buying him a house.
I can't offer him any of things. I think that I was the first R he had that was none of those things. For the first time he didn't have the power in the R. That's why he likes this girl who is less pretty. He likes being the better looking in the R. I had chalked up all those statements as him being young but he's not in his 20's anymore. He's 36!
I thought that he had found independence, that he was self-confident. But I don't think he was. I think he just stopped being reliant on me. I remembered yesterday on Tuesday he commented he'd found a shirt with tags on it, when did I buy that. (yeah I've been picking out his clothes since week 2 of our R) and I remembered that when she tagged him on FB in a shopping area someone commented "shoe shopping?" and he "actually we did go there" Because he needs his new GF to help him pick out shoes. I started cracking up laughing.
Yes I may have dodged a bullet. I really believe that he won't be happy until he handles his own bills, etc.He really hates that he has to borrow money, but he doesn't want to change his lifestyle. People have to decide for themselves when they're going to stop going round that mountain.
I have a pattern of men who need to be taken care of and I'm not doing that anymore!
I think she should be recognizing some of this. When they first started dating I know she was paying for a lot (she has a high paying job), they went to dinner with friends of his and his friend said he was paying. Apparently she kept elbowing him to pitch in or protest and he kept shhhh'ing her. I laughed and said she doesn't know you. It's not that he's tight but he never turns down anyone else offering to pay. She obviously felt uncomfortable in that position.
As far as him standing up to me for cheating. He knew I was dating/flirting/spending time with CW. He was nothing but supportive of that. yeah which hurt. I had already been cemented in my WAW status when he just didn't care/never got jealous about anything pre me leaving. I didn't tell him I'd slept with CW until after he met GF..
just thinking.....I remembered an issue with his ex GF where she FLIPPED out on him after we were married. It's a long complicated story and I remember at the time thinking she was controlling and crazy and because things weren't going her way she wasn't happy. I told him fine, we'll do it her way, rather than involve his parents just to get it done and move on that was the most important thing.
Looking back, she wanted him to do it and take responsibility not his parents. I didn't get why it was such a big deal to her as long it got done. But now I see she was so angry and resentful that he was going to have someone else solve his problems rather than doing it himself.
GB: I think he's trying on old patterns because ours didn't work. He told me she reminded him of someone he'd been infatuated with before we met. Someone who is quite the opposite of me.(of course I hung out with this girl once after we started dating and he loved that I was more glamorous and quick witted and it cracked him up when she tried to be snide with me and I'd put her in her place) He'd joked that he needed to find someone who was just dumb and happy. I imagine, so he could be emotionally unavailable. He told me after he'd started seeing her that he didn't think he would/could ever love again.
So I think he's doing the old thing someone who is financially stable so he doesn't have to be. Someone who doesn't give him butterflies or intimidates him, but is interesting and logical rather than fun and pretty. He thinks this can make him happy and maybe he won't lose himself in this one. Maybe he's right, maybe it won't payoff and he'll decide he wants to learn to be emotionally available even if it means risking being hurt.
I used to worry that even if he decided these things he'd be too proud or too laid back to ever approach me with thoughts of piecing. Well I've decided that I don't want him if he does that. I also don't want someone who drifts. or someone who wants things: independence, confidence, a better job, a pay raise, financial indpendence from his family and doesn't go after them.
GB I remember a time that really solidified our relationship. He basically stood up for me in a difficult situation. In a sitch that I didn't even expect him to. (there's me feeling unworthy) I'd never heard him so angry, never heard him talk that way. I loved him so much that day. I knew he would never ever let me down. But my insecurities got the best of me and down the road I felt like he would leave me or worse be unhappy and just stay in the garage. I told him that...you would have just stayed in the garage and he said you're right.
Forgot to mention he used the phrase that something wouldn't happen "until we actually file for divorce" not if but until. Just made it seem inevitable and gave me a cold shudder to for him to use the words file for divorce.
We had a text exchange today about my medical results. Used the phrase "we'd be up to our neck in bills by now" I didn't know if I should point that out and was considering and then he double texted...that's new. I replied and said we huh? Nice to know you'd be paying my bills. and then replied to his other question. Part of me just wanted to point out his syntax that he saw himself still "in the boat with me" I know I shouldn't read into subtext. And of course he didn't reply to that HAHA
now that S's appointments are out the way and I've had the info about health back I'm going dim. I'll still be friendly. I'm not going to sabotage the fact that he still wants to be my friend. I feel a lot more confident about assuming that role now that I'm not okay with some of his choices...because he's no longer the object of my desire (not at the moment) and he's no longer on that pedestal.
someone on here to think of an emotion as a wave instead of bracing for it let it pass through it.
I've had quite a few moments of emotion lately. Sometimes I don't know why I'm crying. But instead of getting afraid, wondering when it will stop, saying I wish I didn't feel like this. Instead I quietly tell myself take a moment, breath, it's okay, of course you're sad, you're saying goodbye. You're allowed to be sad right now. You're free. You're okay.
I'm going out tonight to a comedy show with friends. It will be good to get my mind off everything for a little bit. I'm also reading Codependent No More. Wow, there's a lot of me in there.
Thank you. I had a really good time tonight. A few times my thoughts drifted to my sitch and then I thought you know what I'm not going there. All of this is a part of me but I have a lot of other parts too! Just enjoy this moment.
The one person I am now sharing things with is my sister who says she feels like I'm growing in leaps and bounds. It madee feel good. My growth can come of this. I will never know if H is truly happy in this new life for himself and every thing I want for him...I can't engineer happening. And maybe he doesn't want that for himself. I'm being his friend we had good interaction today. I didn't jump on the sentimental bandwagon when he started reminiscing and I didn't say anything about his relationship. Perhaps I shouldn't have brought up the whole "we" comment but I meant it in a pleasant tone.
My friend tonight asked me the status of the D. She doesn't know I had had a change of heart or that he'd even met someone I told her we were just leaving things for a bit. I did tell her he'd met someone and when she started asking she saw I was upset and said never mind better not to talk about that.
sounds like you had a good time. hope you got some laughs in. im smilin right now thinkin about a comedy show. i am happy for you. keep up the good work. what better way to GAL then to go see something funny
Brit, I haven't read all of your sitch but I did read the post you made on CV's thread and I think the part about your H changing (basically moving on) has really made me think. I think so many of us LBS's are wishing we COULD move on. Do you feel that the reason he did move on was because he found someone else? Or did that come later?
I'm sorry for what you're going through. I thank you for posting here, though, it is quite insightful.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
