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I think it's about time to start cutting the apron strings. I would start limiting his visits. Can you mow the lawn? I would also have told him that you appreciate him watching the pets. Then get a pet sitter next time.

Once you start showing him that you can function on your own, he'll start noticing.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Maggie,
I've been following your thread and note the similarities in our situation and the quickness of how much changed within a period of four months from H telling me I was the most important thing in his life to simply walking away without a backward glance.

WofP

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Mr Bond- I hadn't really thought of the independence thing with him cutting the lawn. I guess I thought him coming back to our house, seeing our pets, etc would be a way of keeping him as "part" of my life. But what you say makes sense...he needs to see what his life will REALLY be like if we divorce- which means not getting to see our pets, which I think is the reason he still comes by.

I struggle with feeling like it would be a relief for him not to have to do yard work and it kind of kills me to make his life even EASIER after he's walked away. Pre-bomb he had pretty much shut down. I was doing everything around the house, and keeping score, resenting him, etc.

I've always been pretty independent, yet one thing he said during one of our many talks was that I had become too dependent on him (yet he also said I was too independent). I guess I could learn to cut the lawn. We have a ride on and the one time I tried it was a big lurching mess...but maybe my dad can teach me how to work it. I drive standard so how different can it be?

In terms of our pets- they are cats and totally self sufficient. It is more me babying them and wanting to keep him in the loop by having him come petsit. I fear that if I don't have him come help with the house I will never see him again, except at a L's office. He really seems to have no interest. I just don't get it frown

My friend emailed me saying that she had talked to her parents about our situation. She had gone through something similar with her H but they are still together. She said her dad said all these great things about how I am amazing and deserve someone who can handle me and let me be myself. I thought I had that in my H, which was why I loved him so much. He was always so supportive and he seemed like he really got me (his favorite thing to do was "Maggie stream of conscious" in the car- and he was always pretty dead on).

I've always been very happy go lucky person- in our vows he said "I love that you can make me laugh every day, smile bright and often, and care about the little things between us". I kept trying to think of that today when he was here being a d*ck to me. I went through a really crappy period with work from Sept-Dec and wasn't happy. I just can't believe that 3-4 months of being slightly unhappy could trump the 6.5 years he had known me to be very happy. Maybe it was the timing- he really needed me to support him then because his dad's death and I really needed him to support me too and we both weren't emotionally available for each other.


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
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WofPa- I will have to read through your thread. Sometimes I wonder whether the quickness is a blessing or a curse. I imagine it is really hard to see your M die a long, slow death as well.


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
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Maggie,
I'm with you there sister. You're right about wondering whether the quickness is a blessing or a curse. Sometimes I'm still in shock though. I have emails from him from January just simple every day stuff like calling him when I land or telling me to be careful and to go from that to just completely non-caring.

WofP

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Hi Maggie,

I agree with Bond's advice. Although it seems counter-intuitive to not have your H come by to do these chores, the idea is that he would see that you do not NEED him to accomplish these things. Part of the point of DB is reminding ourselves that we can be self-sufficient. Your worrying that H's life would be "easier" if he didn't have to come over to the house to help out makes it sound like you are trying to punish him for his decision. In fact, maybe he takes it that way and that's why he's not so nice when he comes over. It does sound like, from how you described your conversation with him, that he is resentful about having to come and do these chores/tasks (especially by leaving dishes in the sink for you to clean).

You listed a number of reasons why the house is not convenient/working for you. Are the negatives still outweighed by the positive(s) (which seems to mainly be that it ties you to your H)?

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I don't know that I am trying to punish him, but it just seems unfair that he can walk away from all responsibilities and that I have to pick up the slack for him.

I think the house came to represent a mistake on H's part. He would often make comments about how our realtor did a bad job, we overpaid, etc. About a year after we bought our house the local flood plains were redrawn and we are now in a flood plain which means we have to pay flood insurance (and at the highest rate). This is again something that really bothered him (it bothered me too but I loved our house and the little river it's on so I was still happy with our decision). This fact will also make it difficult to sell our house, hence my concerns that we will lose a lot of money if we do sell our house.


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,108
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Would you rather him come over because he HAS to or see you because he wants to?

Do you want him to associate you with responsibility and "needing him"? What you rather have him think about you when he thinks of you?

Not asking him to do things would not only be a big 180 but would boost your self esteem. You'd get a real sense of satisfaction learning to do something and doing it on your own.

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Have you talked to a realtor about pricing your house in the event that you decide to sell it? Doing that might either a) reassure you that your situation isn't as bad as you think it could be, or b) tell you that you would lose money and then you could tell H that it's best for the both of you not to sell b/c a third-party said so. Just a thought. It could take the pressure of you for either not knowing what the possible outcome is or for seeming like you are doing this for (whatever H thinks is a negative reason for doing it, doesn't matter exactly what he thinks but it's apparent that he's thinking this is a negative).

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That's a good idea. Even though I'm not sure if I want to move or not at least knowing would help the decision and also a realtor might be able to recommend the renovations that will give us the most payout.

Sometimes I just think divorcing and moving all at once will be too much for me and it would be better to space them out. I also love this house and really pictured our kids playing here. Part of me wants to keep this house for when I do have kids. Then I swing back the other way and think I should just move and make life easier.

Just to clarify- I don't ask H to come do yard work. He usually emails me once a week and says what day he is coming by. I almost emailed him last week about stepping it up and doing more but I chose not to and he now seems to be taking that initiative on his own. He was here yesterday cutting the lawn and is coming Monday to do some other stuff- so that's good. I also am usually not home when he comes. I've seen him twice since the end of March- each time I've only stayed home for about 15 minutes or so and he's been outside most of that time. I've been out there for 2 hours this morning doing stuff (and working on my tan) and my dad is coming tomorrow to help with my big project.


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
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