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Joined: Apr 2012
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no worries. i always read what you post. you are very smart. thats why i was a little miffed. my kids are the most important thing in my life. thats why it hurts so much what is happening to my family. i would in no way use them to try to get my W back. i dont/wont play like that.

if she talks to him and sees how bad he is hurting, great. do i expect her to come back? no. i expect her to be the mom i know she is, and let him know how much she loves him. thats it. she is a great mom, and i would never take that away from her.

if it makes her feel guilty..ok. guilt is a big motivator in change. do i want her back out of guilt? no. if guilt gives her the kick in the a$$ she needs to look at herself and want to work on her, that is great. sometimes guilt and love go hand in hand. if i didnt love my wife, i wouldnt feel guilty for hurting her..i may be way off. just how i see it.


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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"told her how i am changing for me. not her."

Stop saying this.

"i dont appreciate being treated like this and i am not putting up with it. "

Keep saying this.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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I think you should stay the course. It's easy when we're going NC because we don't have to make several decisions about the right thing to do in a short time. I think you did fantastically. You didn't take the bait when talking to your son and you didn't take the bait when she brought it up later.

consistency. Just repeat that to yourself.

Also don't be surprised if she goes from being friendly to being angry quite a few times. She doesn't know it but she'll be testing you to see if you'll really keep this up. She'll also be angry on some level (even if she doesn't know it) that you're making changes for the good once she left.

I agree with Mr Bond. Be firm

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thanks bond and brit. i am trying to be calm, yet firm. not exactly my strong suit. its a 180 im working on. i dont try to bring up my changes. she did.

i am not going to allow my son to be dragged into this. he deserves better than that. he impresses me so much with how strong he is being. this is hurting him. all i can do is be there for him and love him to the best of my ability. i know this is hurting W, seeing him like this. hopefully she will talk to him. actually listen and not get mad at him. he told me he doesnt want to talk to her cuz she will get mad.

i fully expect more anger from her. for a long time. she refuses to let it go. its how she copes maybe. i dont know. i am not her. thats why i am not trusting her right now. feels like a setup.

consistency is key. i am putting alot of work towards that.


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

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Wow Dakota! You are doing so well handling such a challenging situation.

Every time I worked on some fault, my W would find something else "wrong" with me to be angry about. I am not saying that your W will do the same, I just want you to be ready, just in case. For my W, I think it helped to justify things in her mind so she would not feel guilty. I made a lot of mistakes running around trying to fix things, which did not end up looking very confident, only more needy.

I love to read how you are caring for your son during this difficult time.

Consistency, what a grab word for all of us to remember and aspire to... I will post it on my mirror. smile

((( )))


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
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grace-

dont worry. its a new excuse every day from my W. i do this, i do that, blah blah blah. it is to ease the guilt, hurt, and frustration. thanks to mr. bond i have started standing up for myself. when stuff is totally not true, i tell her. as far as the other complaints..i put myself in her shoes. i honestly know how i failed her. i am working on that. the rest of what she tries to blame on me is blah blah blah.

my kids are my world. they always have been. when people talked about being doctors or lawyers when they grew up. i didnt. i just wanted to have a family and be happy. i dont need money and a new house/car to be happy. i just need my family. being a dad is what makes me the happiest.


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 714
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so another crazy night.. ugghh. realtor had to show the house. took the kids out to supper. after we ate, S wanted to rent field of dreams. there is only one store in town that would have that old of a movie. its a block from W's new house. SOB! so we are driving by and one of OM's car is there. they didnt even have the movie.

we went home. W was on her way to watch the kids so i could go to my meeting. when she got there i told her thanks for watching the kids. didnt mean to cut her visit with her "friend" short. i meant it to. she tried to explain it away, and i stopped her. i said i dont need to know. none of my business. i left to my meeting.

when i got back she wanted to talk about my D's eval today. it didnt go as well as i hoped. D is almost 18 mos behind where she is supposed to be.

then i told her where i stand. i want to stay married but i refuse to put up with this crap anymore. if she wants to date other men or be "friends" that is her choice. i am not being a part of that anymore. she tried to justify it some more and i said enough. that is where i stand.

she said goodnight to the kids. then she was leaving and turned around and asked if this means we are done. i said i dont know. i am done with your crap. if you wont tell me what you want out of me, then yes. i cant play these games anymore. im too tired. she said i dont want a divorce. i just need my time. i said have a good night and i walked away.

i know i went against all DB rules, but i am okay with it. i stood my ground and acted like a man. i dont need her, to be happy. i am happy with me and my kids right now. i am not giving up. i am standing for my M and what i believe in. if she doesnt like that, oh well. i am not goin to take this crap. i had to say something in order for me to be okay with myself. saying nothing was not true to me. i feel better, and i feel like i can move farther down my path now. it might not be with her. that makes me sad. alot less tan normal though.


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

Joined: Nov 2011
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You've been all over the place on this for a few days.

What happened to STFU?

As this is where you landed, I hope it's where you want to be.

I know you're hurting and angry.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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actually im not hurting or angry. i didnt yell. i wasnt mad. i was actually very calm. STFU can happen another day. i had to say something and stand up for myself. i am glad i did. i might have done it wrong, but i did, and i am proud of myself. she now knows i am not her little b!tch anymore.

it might not be a good spot where i landed, then again it could be. i am so sick of sitting around, being walked all over, and still being nice. having to talk to the cops AGAIN has kind of changed how i think a bit. if kept doing nice stuff and am treated like that there is no point. i do want to stay married, but not this way.

she might have something to think about now. she did say how much she sees me being a great dad. actually said it. that is a change from the last 5 months. i am going to stay dim. i was not threatening her or doing it because i expected anything. i did it for me. i believe i will sleep good tonight.

jack, im sure you have a few 2x4's for me. i hope i didnt let you down bug.


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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Actually I think you did great. You told her your boundary before and you stuck by it.

The only place where you messed up was:

"if you wont tell me what you want out of me, then yes."

Don't EVER tell her that you are waiting for her to say what she wants from you. It makes you responsible for her happiness again and that's NOT your job.

You just keep things short and sweet. "You disrespected me by having other men over and lying and justifying it. That will not happen again."


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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