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#2249122 - 05/28/12 04:46 AM Re: Just call me Dakota... [Re: Brit45]
Truegritter Offline
Member

Registered: 02/27/10
Posts: 2687
Originally Posted By: dakota
i told her it is not my fault that it was in the rain, its not fair to be mad at me. do you want me to bring you rice or not? she said yes and i did. she was talking kind of nice to me, but her phone kept going off. it was 11pm. i dont know who it was, didnt ask, but i have my suspicions.


How did all this make you feel?

She is blaming you, the phone calls?

I have my suspicions too.

All of this has nothing to with you unless you decide to be a different guy about it all.

You can't control what she does

You CAN control your reaction to it.
_________________________
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am

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#2249356 - 05/29/12 12:55 PM Re: Just call me Dakota... [Re: Truegritter]
heartbrokeinsd Offline
Member

Registered: 04/18/12
Posts: 714
Loc: South Dakota
ok..interesting past couple of days..will post more later.
_________________________
m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12


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#2249365 - 05/29/12 01:24 PM Re: Just call me Dakota... [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
well you've piqued my interest!

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#2249367 - 05/29/12 01:33 PM Re: Just call me Dakota... [Re: Brit45]
labug Online
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 9101
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Hate those teasers...
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2249377 - 05/29/12 02:02 PM Re: Just call me Dakota... [Re: labug]
heartbrokeinsd Offline
Member

Registered: 04/18/12
Posts: 714
Loc: South Dakota
sorry. wasnt trying to tease. was in a hurry.

anyway on sunday i went to get my kids. mowed her lawn and stepped into her house to ask for a glass of water. she flipped out. i went back outside. told her to get the kids stuff cuz i was leaving. she started yelling at me. i backslid, let myself argue back. she called the cops. again. im so sick of that. after talking to them i left. she started txting me that she has had enough. she is done. i didnt respond. called my parents to come get my dog for while i am in jail. they came. had a good talk with my dad. he encouraged me. that was nice. she txt me a few more times on sunday and monday. i didnt respond. last night she called to talk to the kids. then she wanted to talk to me. i told her to have a good night and hung up. then she txted me that she needed to talk to me. i called her back about 1.5 hrs later. she started crying telling me how she never wanted this, that i pushed her away. i a validated. didnt argue. she started apologizing for OM. saying it isnt what i think it is. i told her i dont want to talk about it. it is her life, live it how she wants. told her i know i am probably never getting her back and i am ok with that. i understand. the changes i am making are for me. i am going to be happy no matter what she decides. more crying. she says she doesnt know who i am, now that i quit drinking. i told her i dont really either. i figuring it out and i like where it is going so far. i told her how i know i didnt respect her enough because i didnt even respect myself. i dont believe in divorce, but if thats where this is going, ok. i am not giving up though. i deserve better, my kids do and so does she. told her to have a goodnight and hung up.

i am staying dim. it seems to be working a little bit. plus it is easier for me. my kids are happy with me and that is good. i am happy with them. i miss my W, but i am not getting sucked in so easy anymore. i believe i am detached. it feels good. she is not calling the cops on me anymore. i am not putting myself in that situation ever again.

i dont think i did very good, but it could have been worse.
_________________________
m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12


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#2249400 - 05/29/12 02:44 PM Re: Just call me Dakota... [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
Quote:
she says she doesnt know who i am, now that i quit drinking. i told her i dont really either. i figuring it out and i like where it is going so far.
yeah give her space...I think she might be at a big of a turning point. She is confused because like all WAW's we convince ourselves this is how they are so we can move on .... any change upsets that train of thought.

I understand if you don't want to discuss it but why on earth would she call the cops on you while you were mowing her lawn?

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#2249406 - 05/29/12 02:51 PM Re: Just call me Dakota... [Re: Brit45]
labug Online
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 9101
Loc: Sonoran Desert
What she's saying is so true when the spouse stops drinking it changes the whole dynamic of the R. Adapting to that change doesn't happen overnight.

She's afraid for the unknown.

Val wrote a great post about this, I'll see if I can find it.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2249407 - 05/29/12 02:55 PM Re: Just call me Dakota... [Re: labug]
labug Online
Member

Registered: 11/25/11
Posts: 9101
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Originally Posted By: Valeska
I don't know if you know this about me.. but I'm a w of an addict.

My wife is an alcoholic and an over-eater. She's been in OA for almost 2 yrs. Last time we had a conversation, she was talking about joining AA as well.

I can tell you that there is alot of ANGER being the spouse of an addict. I get angry at all the years she was sick and hurt me. I get angry at the fact that she is trying to get healthy but has no desire to show me the new her.

I find myself getting angry that a friend can do a completely innocent act and it triggers something in me that brings me back to that pain.

My friends suffer from my bullsh!t. Thank God for their never ending grace and love for me.

I can also tell you that is alot of FEAR being the spouse of an addict. Every time my w does something pleasant - I fear the other shoe to drop.

I fear my hope getting up that she has truly changed.

Every time she does something that even reminds me of the old dynamic - I get scared that I'm not strong enough so sometimes I over-react to get my point across.

being in a relationship with an addict causes severe damage to both the addict and the enabler.

I tell you this not to blame you or make you feel bad. I believe that you are working on changing you. You are confronting your demons head on with God's strength... and that is amazing....

... your wife will need to do the same. She will need to confront her own demons because just as you chose to stay in your addiction... she chose to stay in that kind of relationship.

And I can tell you - some days that is hard to admit. It is much easier to blame the addict than to take ownership of your actions.

It is much easier to use the addict to keep you stuck in anger and fear....

I don't want to speculate why your w is acting the way she does. Honestly - I don't agree with what your w is doing...

... but I understand it because until she deals with herself... until she forgives you and herself.. you will get more of the same.

And that journey to forgiveness is soo hard. Some days I just want to scream - why do I have to experience all this pain because of HER addiction.

I bet your wife's has those days.

So I get it. I get why your w is doing what she does. I can understand the fear/angry behind it.

But at the end of the day....

only time and God will have to heal her heart.. and though your changed heart is awesome... it's really not about your journey...

..it's about her journey to heal.

And I'm sorry - but 1 yr may not be enough time for her.

What do you do with this... be patient and be loving. That does not mean being a doormat, that does not mean losing your son.

We care about your on this board. We all bring different viewpoints.

We can say that your w should be acting this way or you should be defending yourself this way....

... but at the end of the day - things are unfolding exactly the way God is intending. We may have difficulty trusting it... and we can surely not like it.

But if we believe that he loves us.. than we believe that he knows what's best for us.

Continue to do what God want's you to do.. and it will all work out.

Have faith. ((( )))
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M36 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2249450 - 05/29/12 05:07 PM Re: Just call me Dakota... [Re: labug]
heartbrokeinsd Offline
Member

Registered: 04/18/12
Posts: 714
Loc: South Dakota
brit-

she called the cops because i stepped into her house. my bad. i was starting to drive away when she called, so i stayed instead of making the sitch worse. whether or not she is at a turning point..who knows. not tryin to think about that anymore. its me time.

bug-
you brighten my day. always know just what i need to hear. thank you. that post was right on the money. she is afraid i will go back to the old me. i have my days where i fear that also. like jack said, its all about consistency. i know i hurt her, maybe beyond repair. i cant change the past only work on the future. i know i will be better. i am working my program aand its working for me. time is all i have to give her. no apology will take away what i have done.

i know where i stand. i know what i want for my life. how i get there who knows. just gotta stay positive. be loving, strong, and sober. i can do this. i want to. i am ready willing and able.
_________________________
m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12


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#2249456 - 05/29/12 05:23 PM Re: Just call me Dakota... [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11373
Quote:

i dont think i did very good, but it could have been worse


I don't think you did too bad.

The hard part? Is not talking. Learning the art of STFU.

There is this idea that every conversation hold the remote and highly unlike potential for the spouse to declare: "I love you, I am so terribly sorry, lets make this work!"

When in fact most conversations at the beggining are more like minefields; minefields you usually don't even need to cross.

Mowing her yard? Why?

Dakota the White Knight?
Dakota the Nice Guy?

: )

Buddy as a former White Knight, and recovering Nice Guy?

My princess had to fetch her own water, pay her own rent... Eventually slay her own dragon, on her own.

I was around to offer her a hand up but I couldn't do it for her. But that's my story. ; )
_________________________

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


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