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I wish I would have picked up the book Divorce Remedy sooner, but I didn't, so I made some mistakes.

Basics: M:5 years. 2 daughters from marriage (2,4)

I did the whole "I love you" thing over and over, which I saw, and read, that it did more damage than good. My W even commented before I knew about the affair, that she didn't like me saying it. After I found out about the affair, I did it more. I realize now that it was pushing her away more.

In short, my wife started an affair at the end of 2011. She told me it started in December, but I have heard different. It doesn't matter when it started in reality.

In January of 2012, she told me she was pregnant. I was excited, but scared at the same time since we were struggling financially. We ended up losing the baby. At this point, I am not sure if it was even my baby. When I asked her after finding out about the affair, she said it was and had asked the doctor because she wanted to be sure.

After we lost the baby, she started to go over to a friend's house and stay out late. When she would return late, she would tell me she had been drinking and didn't want to risk driving home. I felt she was going through tough times losing the baby so it didn't bother me that she was going out. I felt she needed the release and encouraged her to go out while I watched our kids (2, 4, 13).

Once I started to expect the affair and confronted her, she admitted to talking to someone which became the truth it was more than talking. I snooped around and found out it was her friend's son. The friend was older, the son was close to her age. W is 33. OM is 31. Every time I encouraged her to go to her friend's, she was seeing him.

She told me she needed time to think. She told me that when we married she didn't want kids right away but I did. I could sense she was going through a MLC and didn't know what she wanted.

I didn't want to lose my W, so we started to "date" each other. When we were together, it was like nothing had ever happened. She was the W I knew and married. However, she continued to see the OM.

A few weeks after confronting her and her telling me she needed to think, we found an apartment for her. For the first week, we continued to "date". To me, it felt like we were making progress. However, every time I wasn't with her, the OM was. It became too much for me so I told her I would no longer "date" her until he was gone. I was not going to share my W.

We had a loose separation. I didn't even know the guidelines. After three weeks, we had a talk where I told her that I was going to file for D but didn't want to rush into it because I didn't want to have to tell my daughters when they got older that mom and dad rushed into divorce without trying. I outlined the "rules" of our separation, splitting bank accounts and a timeline. We already agreed on visitation and that wasn't an issue. I told her that if we were not working on our marriage in roughly two months (I gave a specific date), then I would file the paperwork and proceed with D.

For the past few weeks preceding this ultimatum talk, we have had minimal contact. From contact everyday for nine years to minimal contact.


Sorry for the long post, but I wanted to give some background information.

Now for my question.

Like I stated, I did the wrong things with the "I love you"s. I sent her a couple of cards expressing my feelings to her.

She never checked her mail at her apartment. When she checked the other day, there was a sticker that said not to deliver mail as no one lived at that address. Now there are two cards out there that I now know are a mistake.

She is going to pickup her mail soon or it is going to be delivered and she is going to see and read these cards. She will contact me after reading them.

When she mentions receiving the cards, what do I do?

If she reads them, what do I say when she asks me about what I said?

If she hasn't read them and tells me she received some cards from me, what do I do? Do I tell her to throw them out? Do I tell her that I wrote them weeks ago?

I am at the Last Resort Technique and don't want to move backwards with the cards expressing my love.

Thanks for any help.

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Welcome Lost. I'm sorry you find yourself in this terrible sitch. I'm by no means an expert in any of this but based upon the information you have shared, I will offer you my opinion and perspective.

First, think of the I love you's and the cards that you sent as water under the bridge. There is nothing you can do about it now, so forget about it. If your W brings up the cards, be honest with her and tell her they were sent in a moment of desperation and that you now realize that by sending them you were in fact pushing her away and then drop the subject. Again, water under the bridge.

I sense from your post and the fact that you are here that you wish to save your marriage. This being the case, I would toss out the deadline that you gave your W regarding when you intend to file for D and play things by ear instead. You don't need to verbalize this with your W, just let the deadline slip and watch for signs of movement. Your W needs time and plenty of space. Your separation is allowing you both to figure things out, so why not take advantage of this opportunity to see what it is that can be improved?

During your separation, you should be working on improving yourself and correcting things about your behavior that may have contributed to the demise of your marriage. This is not so much for your W as it is for you and any future relationships you have, be it with your W or someone else.

What complaints has your W made about you? What 180's have you been working on? What 180's should you be working on? You really need to understand what behaviors contributed to your marriage problems.

It is important to know that there are no guarantees that you will reconcile with your W. Focus on yourself and your kids right now. Get yourself a life independent of your W. It is your absolute best chance you have. Stop all pursuit. If you are in fact in the LRT, then keep contact with your W strictly limited to issues relating to the children. The longer you can reduce contact, maintain space, create mystery and improve yourself, the better your chances are to improve the R.

Know that this is going to take a very long time. Many months in fact. Have you got what it takes? Do you have the stamina?

Keep posting and people will support and guide you.

Good luck!


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

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I feel that if I don't enforce the August 2012 date, she will call my bluff because I believe she thinks I am not serious.

When I got the ILYBNILWY, this is what she said and was her reasons for the OM:
- We never did anything together
- I let myself go
- The OM showed her attention when I didn't

WE NEVER DID ANYTHING TOGETHER
At that time, I had a crappy job and we were struggling financially. My hours were not consistent and I didn't want to spend money we didn't have.

In March, I quit the crappy job and found a new job making more money with nights and weekends off. We started to do more. We were planning vacations.

Then on April 16, I confronted her about the OM. I told her I we were doing things again and my new job was helping. She said it was too late.

I LET MYSELF GO
I was depressed for a few months. My crappy job and time with the kids didn't give me the time I needed. However, since I discovered the OM, I started working out almost everyday and have dropped almost 25 lbs.

THE OM SHOWED HER ATTENTION WHEN I DIDN'T
I am at a loss here. I didn't realize this was happening. She never told me. All I remember that it is tough raising a 2 and 4 year old. It seemed on nights I wasn't at work, the girls wouldn't go down until 10pm. After that, my wife would be too tired to do anything. We fell into this rut.



I see what she was lacking and why she is in the MLC with the OM. She gets to be a part-time mom and spend all the other nights going out. I want to go out. I want to do things with her. If that is what she wants, do I stay with the LRT or do I show her that I am someone that will do things with her?

I don't want to move to D without showing my W the person I am. That she doesn't need the OM to have someone to go out with.


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I am really confused. Impatient. Etc. However, I am have gone dark with the W.

Here is something I can't get out of my mind:

When I found out about it, I was determined to win her back, away from the OM. After a couple of weeks, I couldn't do it. While I thought I was making progress, it hurt knowing she was still with him.

After telling her that I couldn't handle her being with the OM and didn't want to speak with her until they were over, she responded with "What happened to the man that told me he was going to win out in the end?". I said it just hurt too much. Since that talk, our conversations have been scarce.

Did I miss an opening? Should I have competed with the OM? Is it too late to compete with the OM since I did the LRT?

I think this deadline is going to come with no talk with the W, which will lead to me filing for D.

Maybe I am an idiot, but I think if I date my wife, I will be able to show her what she has and she will cut it off with the OM. I think if I "date" my wife again, there is a 80% - 90% of R.


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Couple of things.

A week after I said I wouldn't "date" her while she was still seeing the OM, this happened:

She came to pickup our D. I told her I needed to grab something out of her trunk. She said, "you are getting your rollerblades, I want to go rollerblading. We can go tomorrow."

I told her "There are a million things I would love to do with you, but I think you know why we can't".

After that point, our contact stopped. She would send me texts before that, but stopped after I denied her request to go rollerblading.

Did I miss an opening?


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Today was way too confusing, but informative.

I planned on taking my 3 Ds to the beach today and told my wife I would be there at 10am to pick them up.

She sent me a tell in the morning asking if I could bring our dog (German Shepard) over to her apartment for the day and she would bring him back in the morning. She always feels safe when our dog is around. Made me sense that the OM wouldn't be around.

I said OK, then sent her a text saying "You are more than welcome to join us today". I wanted to have a day where the Ds got to spend a holiday with their mom and dad.

She said "Sure, but I am taking my own car".

We had a good day at the beach and just sat next to each other and talked while we watched our Ds play.

She asked what I was going to do about a place to live once my lease runs out in a few months. I informed her that I wanted to move back West. Like a fool, I thought it would shock her. I asked if she wanted to move back with me. She said no, she had adjusted to Florida. She said she understood why I wanted to go back. She said she would take the Ds because she didn't want to go without seeing them. This shocked me as I thought she wanted to be a part-time mom and enjoy life. Something she can't do with 3 kids.

We talked more about her apartment and expenses. She was really excited about paying her own bills. I always thought she would need me, but she doesn't. She is doing just fine on her own. She will probably do better than me since I am picking up most of the expenses with the Ds.

I fear she is gone. She wants to live by herself.

I don't fear or care about the OM. I do not see him as a threat. I do not see them as ever being serious. It [censored] that he gets her affection, but there is nothing I can do about it. What gets me through it is whenever I get upset he is over at her apartment or with the kids, my best friend tells me "It isn't something we don't already know." I repeat this to myself and it helps me adjust to it.

At the end of the day when we were leaving the beach, I told her if she ever wanted to hang out or go out for drinks, she could give me a call.

Did I just screw up? I never once mentioned our R or anything.

I think my W just wants to live alone for a bit. The fool in me believes I can win her back if we continue to do things together. She already knows and accepts that I am not helping her financially.

When we first starting going out 9 years ago, she was also seeing someone else. Our song was "That Ain't My Truck" by Rhett Akins. She has said she is no longer attracted to me, but will also add that she wasn't attracted to me when we started dating 9 years ago.

Do I detach or slowly rebuild? She wants to be young and go out and have fun, but still be a mom. Do I show her that being with me doesn't mean she has to give up going out?


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Hey LOST - see my comments in red font inside of the quotation block. Scroll all the way through because there are additional comments that may not be visible

Originally Posted By: LostIn407
I feel that if I don't enforce the August 2012 date, she will call my bluff because I believe she thinks I am not serious.

You may be right, but August is 3 months away. You have the entire summer to continue working on YOU and that also gives your W time to realize what she is doing and for her R with the OM to mature and quite possibly fizzle out. If you have truly set her free, she will no longer be using her energy to fight you and that will force her attention elsewhere and this is where reality may set in for your W. No guarantees of course, but there is that possibility.

When I got the ILYBNILWY, this is what she said and was her reasons for the OM:
- We never did anything together
- I let myself go
- The OM showed her attention when I didn't

This is typical WAW script. My W said many of the same things and more and if you browse any random thread on this forum, you will likely find similar stories as well.

WE NEVER DID ANYTHING TOGETHER
At that time, I had a crappy job and we were struggling financially. My hours were not consistent and I didn't want to spend money we didn't have.

In March, I quit the crappy job and found a new job making more money with nights and weekends off. We started to do more. We were planning vacations.

Then on April 16, I confronted her about the OM. I told her I we were doing things again and my new job was helping. She said it was too late.

Again, typical script. While you were in your depressive state she went looking for attention elsewhere and found it. It doesn't mean it is long lasting or even true love. But, it is what it is so now you need to figure out what to do next.

I LET MYSELF GO
I was depressed for a few months. My crappy job and time with the kids didn't give me the time I needed. However, since I discovered the OM, I started working out almost everyday and have dropped almost 25 lbs.

Good! Work on yourself. But only for your own benefit. Because if you attach your actions to expectations that your W will notice you will be disappointed, every time.

THE OM SHOWED HER ATTENTION WHEN I DIDN'T
I am at a loss here. I didn't realize this was happening. She never told me. All I remember that it is tough raising a 2 and 4 year old. It seemed on nights I wasn't at work, the girls wouldn't go down until 10pm. After that, my wife would be too tired to do anything. We fell into this rut.

Welcome to the club! My W was having an emotional affair in plain sight with my approval because I didn't recognize it for what it was. As a result, she had this OM whispering in her ear about how wonderful she was and what a great future they could have together, if only.... and then BAM!! She dropped the bomb on my head and the affair turned physical.

I see what she was lacking and why she is in the MLC with the OM. She gets to be a part-time mom and spend all the other nights going out. I want to go out. I want to do things with her. If that is what she wants, do I stay with the LRT or do I show her that I am someone that will do things with her?

Yes, she is taking full advantage of her new found freedom. If I were you, I'd stay in LRT and also establish and enforce some boundaries such as a formal visitation schedule so that you have time for you and your W will have to deal with raising kids on her own when it is her time. If you haven't already split your finances, you may want to consider doing that as well. It is time for you to go into preservation mode to protect yourself and your assets.

I don't want to move to D without showing my W the person I am. That she doesn't need the OM to have someone to go out with.


You have the gift of time. Use it wisely. Part of what makes the LRT useful is that it gives you an opportunity to work on yourself, in the absence of your W's influence. As a result, you will create mystery and that can be attractive.

Think of it in terms of a good friend whom you haven't seen in a long time. Then one day you see them and they have lost weight, perhaps changed their hair color or style, bought new stylish clothes and even have an air of confidence that was not there before.

Don't you think your W would be interested in learning more about who this new person is? This is why you need to stay in the LRT and stop all manner of pursuit. There is nothing you can do to "force" your W to come back. If she comes back it is because she has decided to do so.

Keep the focus, stop the pursuit, stay in LRT and watch for signs of movement. Keep posting and let us know what you are seeing.


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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Quote:
After telling her that I couldn't handle her being with the OM and didn't want to speak with her until they were over, she responded with "What happened to the man that told me he was going to win out in the end?". I said it just hurt too much. Since that talk, our conversations have been scarce.

Did I miss an opening? Should I have competed with the OM? Is it too late to compete with the OM since I did the LRT?


In the example you cited, it sounds to me like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. It even sounds like she was taunting you. She may even have sensed your desperation and thought she'd play you a little, to see if you'd turn up the heat in your pursuit.

I believe it is time for you to turn the tables on her. Refer to my post above regarding LRT. create that mystery and you may find that the shoe is suddenly on the other foot where she begins the pursuit.

Think about it.


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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"After telling her that I couldn't handle her being with the OM and didn't want to speak with her until they were over, she responded with "What happened to the man that told me he was going to win out in the end?". I said it just hurt too much."

This is where you went wrong. You don't "compete" against OM. She has to prove that she's worthy of you. Not the other way around.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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