i'm very independent, too. but there was an element of my independence that was almost uncompromising and harsh. that is the part my H hated. i'm still independent but trying to soften it a bit.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
"He told me that he would look into getting a new tail light for me and he would help with the registration if I would print out some updated pictures of the kids for his work"
When he says something like that, you should have said. That's okay I've got it taken care of. Show him that you don't need him. Guys hate that.
But how do I take care of it if I don't have any money to do it? I do run a small business doing photography, but not enough to be able to afford a new tail light and register my car. And my L told me not to get a job.
Otherwise, I would have never brought up the fact that my car needed to be registered. I would have just done it myself.
TRAPPED!! In every way. So frustrating!!
Mr. Bond... do you mind reading back a couple posts? I had a question for you regarding something you said about my H. Thanks so much!
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
Okay I think I found the post you were referring to.
First off, is there any reason why your L told you not to get a job? Does he expect you to be dependent on your H even though he left? Doesn't sound right.
Another thing I would suggest is that since you are a photographer, maybe start selling some prints online on zazzle or cafepress. You can set up a free account and sell things on there to get some income. So this way you don't really have a "job" per se. If you already have prints done, then sell them at a Garage Sale or an arts and craft fair. Label your things as "Gallery Pieces" and go from there.
About your H being easy to figure it out. It really does seem to me that he isn't done. He says he "forgot" or didn't realize what he had until he left. What you have to do is feed off of that.
When you see him, be sure you look different. Fix up your hair in a new and exciting way. Dress to kill. Give him an image that will stick with him. You have to show him independence as well as be independent of him. Think of Sandy from the movie Grease. Remember at the end when she totally changed her look and attitude? That's when she got everyone's attention.
That's why doing things like giving him a photo when he doesn't ask for it works. You give him little "tastes" of what he is missing to attract. But show him you can live without him.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
First off, is there any reason why your L told you not to get a job? Does he expect you to be dependent on your H even though he left? Doesn't sound right.
Because if H files and if I have a job, the child support that he'll be ordered to pay would be less. He told me to continue with my photography business but don't pursue any other kind of work for the time being. So I am still running my business and I do make something, just not a ton right now. I mostly want to save the money I'm making right now for emergencies that may arise... i.e. having to pay for a L if necessary.
On Sunday when H came to pick up the kids he did mention that our flex spending acct for our health insurance was going to be reloaded with a certain amount in July. And also that next January he will be getting a 14% raise at work. I mention this because he almost talks like I will still be in his future. Because these are things you tell your WIFE.
If he was planning on ending things with me then he wouldn't even bother letting me know of these things because 1) I wouldn't be on his health insurance anymore and 2) why would he want to have to pay me more in child support and offer up that information about the raise? Just some observations...
I sort of went on a date tonight. Not what you think, though, people. I was very up front with this guy about my situation and that I was not looking for a R right now. He said he felt the same way because he couldn't imagine having an insta-family right now. He just moved here from New Mexico and was looking for friends in the area. I am not attracted to him at all, but we both love photography and, if anything, its nice to just go out and do something.
He very much made me feel good about myself. I was very open to him about what's going on in my situation and he was happy to listen and give feedback. He doesn't understand why I'm doing what I'm doing. He believes that the trust between me and H has totally been broken and how can that ever be repaired?? I wonder this myself sometimes. But I just have to have faith that whatever is supposed to happen will happen. My heart tells me I still love him and I'm not ready to let go.
But I definitely can see how someone else can appreciate me now. This is my road to detaching. It very much made me feel like my H is a fool for leaving me. And that is the absolute truth. Sorry if its not true to DB. But it definitely gets my mind off of wallowing. I'm sick of wallowing.
I had a good night...
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
I just spent the last night and this morning (stole a few minutes at work) reading your sitch. Wow. You really impress me with first of all your ability to document what you feel (I could feel what you were writing, the anger, the frustration, the desperation, the WANT TO BE FREE but not yet able to let go completely. And Accuracy, like jks said, your advice was insightful solid and to the point. I cannot believe how similar our husbands actions and words seem. I do not have all the details on my thread yet, but really. I could hear my H’s voice when you spoke about your H’s words. I could see the facial expressions.
I agree with you that A with OW just has to happen. That is what where I am in my sitch right now. I have accepted that I cannot prevent it, control it, talk it away whether through declarations of love, anger, loyalty, kids, history, friendship, wedding vows, etc etc. Nothing will make the OW go away except for her. I have accepted that. This course must be completed before anything can or will be actually DONE. Now that we know that, we need to DROP IT AND LET GO. (easier said than done, but I am here with you).
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Mr Bond-I love the advice you gave to jks about he needs to MISS the things you do.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
On Sunday when H came to pick up the kids he did mention that our flex spending acct for our health insurance was going to be reloaded with a certain amount in July. And also that next January he will be getting a 14% raise at work. I mention this because he almost talks like I will still be in his future. Because these are things you tell your WIFE.
If he was planning on ending things with me then he wouldn't even bother letting me know of these things because 1) I wouldn't be on his health insurance anymore and 2) why would he want to have to pay me more in child support and offer up that information about the raise? Just some observations...
Well, the FSA could be in reference to the kids. The raise could be him unknowingly reaching out for a response of pride from you. (I said could, this is totally mindreading, I don't know). My H mentioned something very recently about his retirement account doing well. Why would he tell me this? I asked him some questions - do you pick the accounts? He said yes. I said that must feel good to have picked that and to see it doing well. In the past I don't think I would have validated him like that. But he seemed to respond well to that. This may not be helpful to you, but I thought I'd note it here. If the raise is for performance, maybe it wouldn't hurt to mention the next time to you talk to him about things, hey, I wanted to tell you before, congrats on the raise, you must feel really good about that/I'm sure you deserve it for your hard work/etc. Just a thought.
As for the not-dating, I'm glad you're feeling good but I wonder if someone else will be by with a 2x4 shortly for using someone else as the way for you to feel worthy about yourself. I'm not one to talk, as I'm ordering Codependent No More soon. It's good that you feel good and it's good that you are starting to feel like H is a fool, but it shouldn't be because someone else made you feel worthy. You need to make yourself feel worthy. There, that's my toothpick instead of a 2x4.
So, I'm really feeling like I want to say something to H about what he's doing with OW. He dropped off the kids this morning and all he said was, "thanks" with a big smile on his face and left. Then S4 told me that OW was there last night when they were going to bed.
I feel like I'm just a fool sitting here letting my H have an A. Not that I can stop it, but I definitely don't have to continue to be married to someone who is doing this to me. I don't deserve this.
I have serious questions about his texts last week and what he meant by them. I don't understand how he expects me to be ok with his actions and for how long? It just doesn't feel right to sit around and not say anything.
I need help right now because I'm very tempted to call him and start asking questions about his intentions. Anyone??
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
Don't do it! Leave him alone. All that conversation is going to do is make you feel worse.
-- You cannot convince him that what he's doing is wrong -- You cannot shame him into changing his behavior -- You cannot manipulate him into coming back -- You cannot present an argument that will resonate with him
What can you do? GIVE SPACE.
JKS, do not make that call.
Here's what to do instead: type out or write out what you want to say to him. Journal it, set it aside.
If you keep journaling the same thoughts for a week, think very hard about what you want to say and what you expect to happen in response.
If you can't do it, at the very least wait until tomorrow to make that call, and do something fun for yourself tonight.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
