That's why I opened my own checking account and savings account just in case H decides to bail on me. It hasn't happened yet, and he hasn't even mentioned it. I think it would have been nice on your H's part if he would have let you know he was planning on doing it rather than waiting for you to find out on your own. That's why I think it is more than detaching. If he just wanted to detach why couldn't he have discussed his plans with you before actually doing it?
A while ago I did open my own separate one as well. Even though I don't make much, I do make something and I feel now, more than ever, that I just want to keep it to myself.
And I agree with you on him not letting me know before he did it. This is where his communication issues arise. This is how he goes through life. I actually thought this very same thing and the old me would have gotten angry and said something about it. But then that's me using my anger to deal with the situation. It hasn't been helping my situation in the past and it has to be my 180 now. I can ask him over and over, why didn't you just tell me? And his response will always be, I don't know. That's just his mode of thinking.
Who knows if he's really working on it or not. I can't focus on him anymore. Life lessons.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
JKS, your situation sounds very similar to mine except for the fact that there are no children or OW involved. But the way your H is acting reminds me of mine very much. I know how you re feeling about losing your best friend. I feel the same way. He's the one I want to tell everything to yet, I can't anymore.
I've been giving him his space and not contacting him. We were supposed to meet up yesterday to go over financial stuff and he said he would call me. I never got the call. So, I get an email asking what happened to the meeting and that I should have called him because he is very busy. I told him I was giving him his space and that he said he was supposed to call me. He's the one who wanted this, so why should I remind him about meeting to discuss our financial stuff? Isn't that what a WIFE is supposed to do? He doesn't want a WIFE anymore, so I am just letting him be.
In any case, I'm OK when I don't hear from him...I'm trying to move on and focus on me. But as soon as I hear from him, my heart sinks. I would love for him to realize that he's throwing our marriage away and want to work it out, but I don't see that happening. So, I have my hobbies/friends/family to keep me busy as well as still trying to find employment. It's alot to take all at once.
I don't have any advice. I'm still dealing with this myself. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I know it feels that way..believe me, I know. But there are people here that understand how you feel. And hopefully, that pit of despair that we are all feeling will eventually subside.
Every time you do any of those things, you push him firmly into OWs arms, and, especially by involving his parents, you make it much harder for him to end that R if he ever wants to. Your actions are painting him into a corner. Change your behavior.
Oldtimer, could you elaborate more on this?? Mostly the part about making it hard for him to end his R with OW if he ever wants to...
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
Unimaginable, thank you. It is good to know that people do know how I feel and I'm not the only one going through it. I'm sorry that any of us have to go through this level of pain.
Oldtimer, I just remembered that you asked me to list three things that I was going to do for myself today...
I blogged. I know that seems weird but it's part of my work. By posting more pictures, I get more traffic flow on my blog which creates more interest for potential future clients. I haven't blogged since December.
I genuinely played with my kids today. Didn't just watch them. I played make-believe with them and gave them my full attention. On top of that, we went to a children's museum today and both of my older children were having major behavior issues which I would normally start to freak out and just get angry with them. I totally and completely kept my cool and validated their feelings and I felt like it really turned things around in a more positive direction. (This is something that needs to be consistent from me. Parenting is hard. It's 24/7 patience.)
Then later tonight I plan to put my kids to bed early and read.
I hope that's what you meant...
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
I read my entire thread from start to finish last night. It reveals quite a lot about me.
I am a super emotional person. I have been way up and way down and quickly. I let H's actions affect me too much.
Accuray, reading over all of your advice is making even more sense now than it did then. Maybe my DB'ing isn't over?? Ugh, I know, it's like make up your mind, girl!!
The reason I feel that H could very well not be a 100% sure about his decision is because look at me. I have said so many different things depending on the day. And when I was saying it, I was sure that was what I wanted.
And when I was DB'ing my best, H was coming around much more than ever before.
So my 180's... I'm losing my anger. Smiling and "acting as if" when I'm in H's presence. No pursuing and R talk. No crying.
And I'm going to put my energy into... Being a patient and present mother. Building my business. Keeping things clean and put away around the house. Exercising. Spiritual reflection and prayer. Reading self-help books.
I am so grateful that I have these forums to come to. To say that they are a lifesaver is an understatement. They are a lifeline. Giving me direction when I otherwise wouldn't have it.
Thank you to everyone who posts here. Words cannot express my gratitude.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
I have re-read my thread several times from the beginning, and I always get more out of what people posted to me. The first time through there are certain things that resonate with you that you'll absorb, and other things you won't. The next time you're farther along and different things will start to make sense. I'm glad a re-read was helpful for you. Your situation is very difficult, jks, no one will tell you it's not. Unfortunately no one can fix it for you, you just have to find your way through, and that's exactly what you're doing.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I genuinely played with my kids today. Didn't just watch them. I played make-believe with them and gave them my full attention. On top of that, we went to a children's museum today and both of my older children were having major behavior issues which I would normally start to freak out and just get angry with them. I totally and completely kept my cool and validated their feelings and I felt like it really turned things around in a more positive direction. (This is something that needs to be consistent from me. Parenting is hard. It's 24/7 patience.)
Just imagine if every parent could have the level of understanding of what it means to be patient and engaged and to actively validate, as you have learned! With practice I'm sure it will become more consistent for you. This will certainly not only help your relationship with your kids, but also, hopefully, with your H.
Every time you do any of those things, you push him firmly into OWs arms, and, especially by involving his parents, you make it much harder for him to end that R if he ever wants to. Your actions are painting him into a corner. Change your behavior.
Oldtimer, could you elaborate more on this?? Mostly the part about making it hard for him to end his R with OW if he ever wants to...
Really? I would have thought it obvious. Your M isn't working for H. He is giving up a lot and going through a lot of pain to try to find a life that works better for him.
His GF could have been in his mind a FWB, a passing fling, someone who is there at a difficult time, whatever.
But, you keep forcing him into a corner in which he swallows YOUR answer: he is doing everything he is doing BECAUSE OF HER, SHE MAKES IT ALL WORTH IT IN HIS MIND, HE THINKS SHE'S HIS SOULMATE, blah blah blah blah blah.
Everytime you force him to affirm that to you, to himself, and now to his parents publicly with you as a witness, geez, you make him MUCH more invested in his R with GF. NOW, he'll look like a shallow idiot if it doesn't work out. NOW, he has in his head that he HAS to make it work with her because SHE is the reason for the D.
This is the line you keep feeding yourself, him, and now his family. OF COURSE the more this goes on the harder it will be for him to leave.
Imagine instead: "Gee H, you are right. This M isn't good for either of us. It isn't about outside people, it is about longstanding problems in our M that go back years. I know it is hard and painful for you to try to find a better life. Who knows where we'll wind up. I can understand how it must be comforting right now to have a close friend to help you through this difficult time."
If that is the narrative, then it is much easier for H to let go of his GF when he is through the rough patch, done with having a FWB, whatever.
So stop pushing your narrative hoping he'll fall to your feet and repudiate it. He won't. Just the opposite.
Instead, give him space to figure out what he wants from his own life and how she fits into it. SHE is not your business. You are separated. You are not in a monogamous R. Ignore her.
And NO, do not go tell the in-laws and H about this. Just LET IT GO and MYOB.
Thank you, oldtimer, for being so frank about this. I need the 2x4's. I need to quit my behavior because it's what got me here in the first place and it isn't going to get me out of it if I continue this way.
I really never looked at it the way you just described so I appreciate you going into detail about it. It makes perfect sense.
I really did print out your last post and have referred to it often. I know where I need to put my focus and I am feeling SO MUCH BETTER these days.
When I found out about H changing his direct deposit yesterday, I was starting to get anxious again and those feelings of losing control were starting to come over me. But I quickly snapped myself out of it and realized this has to happen. I can't expect him to share an account with me forever. And I looked at the positive that he was willing to transfer over the amount of money that he did.
I hope I can keep the positive thoughts going because my situation seems much more manageable when my head is above water. I can do this!!
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
