I had THE BEST weekend at the photography retreat. I met some amazing people and learned a lot about myself. One of those things being that I need to EMBRACE the person I am. Far too often I am comparing myself to others and seeing myself as LESS. I had to tell myself there is a reason I am the way I am. There's a reason why I'm not as super outgoing as other people... because I have a sincere, tender heart. I take my relationships personally. I prefer connecting with people on a deeper level rather than skimming the surface.
Taking a step back to observe this about myself and the way I interact with a group was really profound for me. I learned that there are a lot of people that appreciate me and value me... but I also need to VALUE myself. I need to know my worth.
It was so interesting because we went around the group to talk about each other's photography work and when it came to me, a woman that I mentored with and have looked up to for so long, said to me, you are "our state's" best kept secret and I have mentioned this to several people here. You talk to people like your work isn't really anything special and then I go to your blog and you are constantly blowing me away. You have it, girl. You just need to believe in yourself.
I was literally sobbing. Several people made absolutely amazing comments about my work. Things that I didn't even think people noticed. It took me a long time to regain my composure so that I could talk again and respond to their comments. Very, very emotional time for me.
One of the things I mentioned was that I have been debating for a long time whether photography is something that I should continue to pursue or not. It has been an internal struggle to know if this is the right path for me. I now know, that I NEED it in my life to have something for ME. It's my creative outlet and it makes me so proud to see how much I've grown with it.
On my way up to the retreat I dropped my kids off to H. I have to admit, I looked pretty amazing. I bought some new lipstick (bright red, I never wear bright red) and was dressed in some pretty tight jeggings. When I got out of the car my H said, you look pretty. I could then see him checking me out the entire time I was there.
He then asked me questions about the retreat. And my D6 kept wanting to talk to me and give me kisses and hugs. The whole situation felt really good because I had something to look forward to this weekend. I knew no matter what H and the kids were doing, I am doing something that is absolutely for me so I can see why GAL is so important. It makes you feel empowered. It brings back your self-esteem.
On Sunday at the retreat we all got our hair and makeup done and went out and took pictures of each other. I have to tell you, I was really feeling it being in front of the camera. I really felt so beautiful and relaxed. It was a good feeling. I then saw some of the pictures the other photographer's took of me and I was so overwhelmed with happiness!! It was so amazing to be able to see myself that way.
I'm constantly taking pictures of others and rarely do I get the same kind of pictures taken of me. It was such a great gift to be given.
I will be getting my kids back tomorrow morning. I've been aching to see them.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
Hi jks-welcome back and so happy to hear you had such a fantastic weekend JUST FOR YOU. Enjoy getting back to gether with your kids.
Feel good about YOU.
Bustingout
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Thank you, ladies. It was such a great bonding experience and I know I've made friends to last me a lifetime.
Feeling sad again today. My D6 said a lot of hurtful things to me when I picked her up from school today. How daddy takes her to do things like get snow cones and ice cream and I don't do anything fun. (Which is not true, I just don't spoil her to death.) My H very much reminds me of a Disneyland Dad. I have to be the mean one that won't give them candy whenever they want it and won't buy them a toy whenever they want it. But then they go with daddy and he'll do anything because he's just nice like that.
Isn't it wonderful? It did make me cry. She told me she wished I wasn't her mother and that she wished she didn't have to be with me. Oh, and that I was the worst mother ever. Yes, this is coming from a 6 year old but, honestly, this is the last thing I want to hear right now.
I sat her down and had a calm conversation with her about why I do the things I do. I don't think its necessary for kids to have to be entertained by their parents 24 hours a day. I explained to her that I wanted her to use her imagination and find fun things to do with friends outside or with her brother. (that's what I did when I was little, is that weird?)
She then told me about how OW was there for H's sister's birthday party and was there the day before doing crafts with her. So H is moving right along with getting her closer with his family and with my kids.
Honestly, am I really supposed to be ok with this? Does anyone truly believe that I should just sit around and wait anymore? Really. Be honest. Because if he's in love with her, how is that in love feeling just going to go away in a couple weeks or months? Especially since he's getting closer with her over time. Help me to see this logically. I feel like I am being played a fool and should just cut my losses now.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
I am with you JKS. I am so there. I wish I had good words of advice but I am just as confused as you. I am keeping an eye on your thread in case someone has great words of wisdom.
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
Will also keep an eye here. I understand that place as I visit it oftem myself.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
This is also the hardest part for me. If there wasn't an OM, I think my W and I would be in a good place. She needs her space, I have no problem giving it to her.
It is just the pain of a 4 year old happy to tell you about the fun things they do with the OM.
I am just holding out hope that most As don't last. Most As don't last more than 6 months, etc. This one just crossed over 6 months but only 1 month she has had her own apartment. I am waiting for the day it is over, but it sure does hurt.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
Honestly, am I really supposed to be ok with this?
JKS, you're not supposed to be ok with it, in fact you should be outraged. It's not ok in any way. The fact that his family isn't telling him this behavior is inappropriate also bothers me. It's very obviously inappropriate.
I'm sorry about the episode with your 6 year old, that would break my heart. You did the right thing -- it's not going to be in anyone's interest to try to out-gift each other. H is going to be overly doting out of guilt, and OW is going to be attentive to get the kids to like her for H's benefit.
Originally Posted By: jks
Does anyone truly believe that I should just sit around and wait anymore? Really. Be honest. Because if he's in love with her, how is that in love feeling just going to go away in a couple weeks or months? Especially since he's getting closer with her over time. Help me to see this logically. I feel like I am being played a fool and should just cut my losses now.
No one is telling you to sit around and wait. That's up to you -- if you CHOOSE to sit around and wait, then we'll support you in that choice. If you choose to move on and pursue divorce, we'll support you there too.
Standing by and watching an affair happen with your spouse is awful, and it can feel hopeless and that it will last for all eternity -- it's a punishing place to be.
We all have a line in terms of how much we can take before we have to walk away to protect ourselves emotionally. No one is going to prescribe where your line should be JKS, that's completely up to you, and you should not fear anyone's reaction if you decide to give up -- you've done more than enough already to try to save your marriage.
It keeps coming back to "what do you want?" Statistically, most relationships born from affairs burn out pretty quickly -- within a year. But that's "most", not all. Some lead to marriage. Most of those marriages then fail, but some do not. There are no guarantees about your H's path forward. He and OW may marry and be perfectly happy forever after. I can tell you that the odds don't favor it, but that's not a guarantee.
Generally when affairs start it's because your H had unmet emotional needs that OW was able to fill for him. OW may be able to fill some of his needs, while you fill others. His comments and apparent desire to cake eat support this. The unmet needs become the most important to him, but eventually he'll need all of his emotional needs met. Either she'll be able to do that for him, or she won't.
The thing is, the longer they live together, the more "real" everything gets. He now gets to see the dirty dishes in addition to the clean kitchen. He now gets to see the unbrushed hair, the temper, and the annoying mannerisms. At the same time, if everytime you see him you look good, smell good, and are upbeat, you start to be the more favorable comparison. That might work, and it might not.
I wish I could tell you that someone here has the magic book of answers that will work for you and tell you how long you'll have to wait and what you should expect, but we don't. All we can really offer is support on whatever path you choose.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
You asked me this on hopingandpraying's thread -- I'll answer here so I don't threadjack:
Originally Posted By: jks
Accuray, are you thinking about leaving your W???
JKS, I'm not happy. My W basically acts like someone who loves me, but is not in love with me. I've been trying to accept that by lowering my expectations, but it's not working for me. All of the "professional help" that I've sought basically boiled down to the fact that W is not going to do the work, so I either accept things as they are, or leave.
From my perspective, W can't will herself to be "in love" with me, and the lack of that emotion discourages her from stepping up to work with me on the marriage. She wants to do just enough to keep things going, but the minimum is no longer enough for me.
I feel that I've really been trying, I don't have any regrets. I'm going to give it one more shot -- I'm going to try the MarriageBuilders program and see if that works for me. If it doesn't, I'll re-evaluate. But yes, in answer to your question, I've been having WAS thoughts, I'm tired of being unhappy.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Yeah, even if someone knows of a thread where someone has had success with DB'ing while openly knowing their spouse is having a PA. Hearing about the activities the OP is doing with their kids on a regular basis.
Every sitch that I've read that has had success, there wasn't another person involved. (at least, that they knew of) I think it changes everything when you know about it and your spouse has openly stated that they're "in love." Especially when OP is a long time friend of 6 years.
I'm just trying to wrap my head around some kind of clarity. This may be a good time for me to put a timeline as to how much longer I'm going to put up with this. Yes, no?? And not necessarily tell my H when, but to know for myself.
I know everyone says to detach, but to be honest, my H is a really good man despite the things he's doing lately. He has always had my best interest at heart and to start thinking that my life would be better without him, is just absolutely not true. He has a warm, caring personality. He's funny. He's very even tempered. The thing that people tell me the most about him is that they feel like they can tell him anything. He's that guy. Not to mention, very attractive.
How do I detach from this?
I have continued not to contact him.
Me: 32 H: 32 M 9 yrs #1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2 Bomb 8/12/11 H moved out 8/14/11 PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12 Got my own place 8/25/12 H & OW move in together 9/15/12 Still married.
