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Originally Posted By: verab754
Think about your boundaries. How long will you stand for his behavior?

I can't remember, and I'm on slow internet, so I apologize if this has been addressed upthread - have you consulted an L just for information on your rights and possible steps you could take to protect yourself and your kids?


I feel like I can't do it for much longer. The summer holidays are coming up and if he's going to be including OW in on all of the family activities and not me, I just don't think I can handle it. If I knew that we were on the road to D then I would be more inclined to let that go because I wouldn't have any expectations. My focus would be towards starting my new life.

And I can just hear everyone thinking, that should be your focus anyway. But obviously, I can't do that when he has one foot my way and one foot her way. If its just done and over with then I know where I stand. I am being strung along. And, for what? To be the back-up in case OW doesn't work out?

Yes, I have sat down with two L's. And I just emailed a third one tonight because the other two didn't seem like a good fit for me. I want to be ready. I want to start having some closure. Its like I just need to suck it up and do something. Why am I waiting around for him? So he can continue to break my heart over and over? I have been rejected SOOOOO much in the last 9 months and its almost like I'm the one that's being blind.

My mom's H was telling me today that he has NEVER witnessed a H treat his W this way. He has seen a lot in regard to adultery and D and this is by far the worst situation he has ever seen.

I know eventually I'm going to have to get a job and I actually do welcome it because I want to get myself out there. Get my focus on something other than this sitch.

I did sign up to do some volunteering at the beginning of this week but haven't heard back from them yet. I am so excited to be going on this retreat this weekend. It is seriously just what I need.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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Originally Posted By: jks
But obviously, I can't do that when he has one foot my way and one foot her way.


jks, he doesn't have one foot your way. He is firmly in OW's camp. When he panics and thinks you're going to move on, he will try to do enough to keep you warm, but that's it.

I know this is super painful, but longer term you'll have an easier time if you see it that way. He's really *not* on the fence, he has moved on, but wants the ability to jump back over if things don't work out. He's also worried about access to the kids.

Volunteering and the retreat are great -- going out with that guy you met on a friendly basis was great. Keep doing things like that -- that's your path. H needs to *see* that you've moved on. You can't tell him, you need to show him. You show him by being friendly but indifferent to him. You don't *need* him. He must believe that.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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I was going to write the pretty much the same thing Accuray wrote. Mine would have been, when he says "I'm coming home to work on the marriage" believe about 50% of that.

Focus on you, I have a feeling you've never really done that.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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jks Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: labug


Focus on you, I have a feeling you've never really done that.


Lately, no, I haven't. I did go through a phase of not caring and doing things for myself. I have just been exhausted, not sleeping and not really eating still. I hate that he has this affect on me.

Originally Posted By: Accuray
Originally Posted By: jks
But obviously, I can't do that when he has one foot my way and one foot her way.


jks, he doesn't have one foot your way. He is firmly in OW's camp. When he panics and thinks you're going to move on, he will try to do enough to keep you warm, but that's it.

I know this is super painful, but longer term you'll have an easier time if you see it that way. He's really *not* on the fence, he has moved on, but wants the ability to jump back over if things don't work out. He's also worried about access to the kids.

Volunteering and the retreat are great -- going out with that guy you met on a friendly basis was great. Keep doing things like that -- that's your path. H needs to *see* that you've moved on. You can't tell him, you need to show him. You show him by being friendly but indifferent to him. You don't *need* him. He must believe that.

Accuray
YOU ARE RIGHT!!! He is NOT my H anymore. I need to do better with this.

That three week period with the kids was killer for me. To be honest, it put me back to the emotional state I was in when I was with my H. Where I felt empty, alone and hopeless. Which then made me incredibly angry and resentful towards him when I heard of all the things he was doing and that he was doing them with OW. I have got to stop hearing about what he's doing. It is killing me! Or I just need to learn to let it roll off my back. I do wish I was a lot further along in this process emotionally.

Thank you both for continuing to post, I really need it right now.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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Posts: 2,502
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JKS,

Having 3 young kids almost did me in, and I had a partner and no marital strife at the time -- I can only imagine. I would definitely make sure you don't do more than 50% custody at this point.

I realize you are their mother and you love them, but you are also a person in a crisis, who needs time to herself to deal.

What is your current custody agreement?

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
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Originally Posted By: Accuray

What is your current custody agreement?

Accuray


Legally there is nothing set in place but he normally has them 3 nights a week. Sunday afternoon to Weds morning.

The three week period was my way of getting away from the drama with him, but at the same time, it created more drama for me because I was starting to lose myself again.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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hi jks,

i saw where you posted on brit's thread that you feel like you are starting over again. i am sorry you are in so much pain.

i felt that way too... my W said at one point that she wanted to work on things and was confident we would be able to... this was before OW and it lasted 3 weeks until she started seeing OW..

i felt like i was back at the beginning and i got scared.. but i rebounded much, much quicker than before. what i had learned here and by reading and working on me helped me recover quicker.

there are still moments when i feel like i am back at the start... but they are fewer and shorter

i hope that is the same for you. ((( )))


Me(f): 51 W: 41
DP:8 M:3 T:10
"W not happy" 7/11
D final: 8/13
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Jks- I've been reading through all of your threads for the past few days. I felt like I was on the roller coaster with you. I'm so sorry for all you are going through. I have a hard time GAL without kids and having that outlet of a full time away from home job. I've been really angry with my H too and his friends, his family, the whole gamut. One thing that helps me is feeling bad for him. I just keep thinking of all he is losing.

I found the advice you got on your tread very helpful and inspiring. I have copied that story that I think old timer posted into my phone- Shake it off and step up. That is my new mantra!


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
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Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=714209

Went back to my first thread and found this link. I NEED TO LIVE BY THIS RIGHT NOW!!!

-------

Thank you, Maggie and Needgrace for your kind words. Hopefully, someone can learn something from my mistakes LOL!!


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 623
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jks Offline OP
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Whatever you do, do not let your guard down when they are being nice. This is where they attract you back into the game like a moth to a candle. They know that you want them back and will do anything to get them back; and they also know just what strings to pull to get you to pursue them all over again. Stop! Do not pursue or the game will continue on indefinitely!


This is soooo my situation. No more letting my guard down.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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