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#2248093 - 05/24/12 07:35 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 3 [Re: jks]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/12
Posts: 934
That's a pretty intense conversation, just a few quick thoughts from me - Remember to believe none of what he says and only half of what he does. Even if he's saying things that sound good to you - he needs to back it up with action. This is a really good time for you to be prepared to declare what YOU NEED in a functional R/M. Unless you would take him back with no changes on his part? What are YOUR boundaries and needs? Be prepared with those.

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#2248124 - 05/24/12 09:47 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 3 [Re: vera be fierce]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8553
Loc: Sonoran Desert
I just read this this morning and I know you've had contact with H since then but,

Quote:
Sometimes I feel like hiding emotions, hides the truth. I really have come a long way in suppressing down my anger and not jumping to conclusions with him.
Suppressing emotions is not a good thing, you're right.

I think what others might have been trying to help you with was recognizing your emotions and not acting from that emotion. Asking yourself what am I feeling and why am I feeling that. It's difficult to do in the midst of an important conversation but the more you do it day-to-day the easier it gets.

Suppressing anger is not the goal-it will come out sideways down the road. Understanding your anger and working through it can help you make better decisions and better able to maintain your equilibrium.

Quote:
I am really trying to keep an open mind but also stay grounded knowing that I have a lot of great qualities to offer someone and if H really can't appreciate that, it now is his loss, not mine.
Moving from one R to another is rarely a good idea.

Do you feel you're ready?

Is that going to make you feel better about yourself?

Did you read the co-dependency book?

Quote:
It will constantly be a work in progress, I don't want to ever take it for granted again.


We're all a work in progress, every day.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2248132 - 05/24/12 10:21 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 3 [Re: labug]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: labug


Quote:
I am really trying to keep an open mind but also stay grounded knowing that I have a lot of great qualities to offer someone and if H really can't appreciate that, it now is his loss, not mine.
Moving from one R to another is rarely a good idea.

Do you feel you're ready?

Is that going to make you feel better about yourself?

Did you read the co-dependency book?



No, I don't feel I'm completely ready. When I don't have interaction with H for a long time, however, I do start to somewhat forget the intensity of my feelings for him. Talking with him last night reminded me very much why I've been going through what I've been going through.

The date I went on was not for me to necessarily move on because I was in no way attracted to this guy. It's just that after so long I have forgotten what it feels like to be appreciated by someone. He made me realize a lot about myself. I did feel for a long time that I didn't even know how to act around people anymore. That I didn't believe in myself. The date proved otherwise. More than anything it was just a reminder that I have great qualities and someone out there will appreciate them whether H does or not.

I think all too often as mothers and wives, we lose ourselves. Life starts to revolve around our kids and our H's and the person that we once were, disappears. Responsibility of everyday life takes over and everything else falls by the wayside. This very much happened to me and quickly had me falling into a depression which then led to me not being able to function with household responsibilities and sometimes socially. It wasn't how I envisioned life should be. Yes, I wanted a family but, sadly, day in and day out my life felt meaningless.

These were things that were very much my fault. And I'm still trying to figure out how to balance it all and stop the negative thoughts. Having the date reminded me of the girl I once was. Nothing more, nothing less.

I didn't want to continue to stay in my R with my H just because of the fact that I feared that no one else would love me or appreciate me. Well, I know now that that is completely untrue. I'm now staying in it because I know I have wonderful qualities to bring to the table and I am someone worth keeping. I am the mother of his children and the bond between us is undeniable. He knows this.

So, verab, I now have no idea what my boundaries are regarding him continuing on with his R with OW. This is THE MOST messed up situation ever!! I continually have no answers or direction. Which tells me I just have to keep on with what I've been doing. I guess, eventually I may crack and I'll know when things are over. But for now, it's not so clear.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



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#2248147 - 05/24/12 10:47 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 3 [Re: jks]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8553
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Quote:
The date I went on was not for me to necessarily move on because I was in no way attracted to this guy. It's just that after so long I have forgotten what it feels like to be appreciated by someone. He made me realize a lot about myself.


I don't think affairs are ever justified, but I think it helps to understand how easily it can happen. Do you think this might be how your H got into his A?
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2248149 - 05/24/12 10:53 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 3 [Re: labug]
Accuray Offline
Member

Registered: 07/20/11
Posts: 2088
Grrrrr JKS, if I were in your shoes I'd be very angry and frustrated.

You are pursuing him under the belief that you can convince H to end this affair, when in fact, only he can decide to do that on his own.

He's feeding you little scraps, little bits of hope, that keep you on the line. He reels you in and then pushes you back away. That works well for him, he has the best of both worlds -- OM to live with and you to take him back any time he wants.

He will keep that cycle going as long as you let him.

How do you break it? You make him wonder if you have moved on. You make it apparent that you no longer *need* him. You're willing to engage with him, but you don't need him. When he sees that, he'll really start to hurt.

Read the post that Brit made to CV on her thread, it might be on page 10, a long post from the perspective of a WAS -- read particularly about what her H did after she left and the impact that had on her.

I think you'll find that instructive.

I really would like for you to stop initiating or engaging in R talks with H completely. This will not unwind on your schedule, and all you're doing is giving yourself whiplash, bouncing between hope and despair.

Accuray
_________________________
Married 18, Together 20
M: 45, W: 47, D: 15, S: 13, D: 9
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
ILYBINILWY (again) 7/12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014

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#2248153 - 05/24/12 11:04 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 3 [Re: Accuray]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8553
Loc: Sonoran Desert
^^^^^Yes!
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2248167 - 05/24/12 11:53 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 3 [Re: labug]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
So H did sleep over at OW's last night. Accuray, you are right, I am living in a constant state of whiplash.

I read Brit's post and I know that I have to detach. I know that I have to GAL. The more I do those things, though, the more I just wish I was doing those things with him. You can go hang out with friends and engage yourself in activity that is fun and passes the time away but at the end of the day, you still come home to an empty house. That is reality.

Is there a secret ingredient to detaching that I'm missing? Apparently I don't know how to do it effectively. I AM so frustrated and angry right now.

I just want to be able to see things differently. I want to MOVE ON!!!
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



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#2248171 - 05/24/12 12:07 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 3 [Re: labug]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: labug
Quote:
The date I went on was not for me to necessarily move on because I was in no way attracted to this guy. It's just that after so long I have forgotten what it feels like to be appreciated by someone. He made me realize a lot about myself.


I don't think affairs are ever justified, but I think it helps to understand how easily it can happen. Do you think this might be how your H got into his A?


Yes, I do. He was looking for a connection and a friend because he didn't feel he had that in me.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



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#2248332 - 05/24/12 10:47 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 3 [Re: jks]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Just something I found tonight online.

The "Mind-Body"Affair. Here's the most dangerous one of all for the lovers' existing relationships. It's so powerful because it feels so complete -- emotionally, sexually, intellectually, spiritually. Matt and Ellen, who consulted me as a couple, met through a parents' function at their children's school. Right away, they felt a strong, mutual con-nection. "If I believed in reincarnation," Matt told me, "I would say that we were together in a former life. We feel like ‘soul-mates.'" "I never thought a relationship could feel like this," said Ellen.

The "mind-body" affair is highly threatening to a marriage because it feels so "right." Of course, the couple may try to end it or turn it into a "just-in-the-head" affair, but that rarely works. Of all the different affairs, I've found that this kind most frequently leads to divorce and remarriage. The upside is that the new relationship often proves to be the right match for the couple. Nevertheless, it generates all the mixed consequences that all affairs produce, especially when children are involved.


I constantly have a hard time seeing how H is ever going to be able to walk away from his A. Part of me thinks that I should just file because I am really holding on to nothing. How is it ok for a person to offer up the feelings of wanting to reconcile but then continue to "date" OW? Basically telling me "could you just wait a little longer while I figure this out?" This literally could go on for months. Do I have it in me to last another couple months? I really don't know anymore.

This has really affected my self-esteem and my self-worth, and ending it could quite possibly be my jumping off point to a whole new me. The independent me.

I worry so much that H may choose to R and then go back to being on the fence again. Or choose to R and secretly go behind my back and sleep with OW. How does a M survive this? Their emotional connection is too much for me. The fact that he's still telling me that he thinks he's "in love" with her is really gut wrenching. If we're being honest, that feeling isn't going to change any time soon. It really could take years.

And it's not like the time they're spending together is really making things worse, it's like they're just becoming more and more close. I'm trying to be realistic here. I want so badly not to feel anything for him because I really feel like he doesn't deserve that from me anymore. You'd think after 9 months of this that I would be over it. What is wrong with me?
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



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#2248341 - 05/24/12 11:14 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 3 [Re: jks]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/12
Posts: 934
There is nothing wrong with you. However, your H's actions have, as you admit, lessened your self-esteem. Can you get to an IC who maybe specializes in healing from infidelity? Maybe re-read DR's section on that. Again. Think about your boundaries. How long will you stand for his behavior?

I can't remember, and I'm on slow internet, so I apologize if this has been addressed upthread - have you consulted an L just for information on your rights and possible steps you could take to protect yourself and your kids?

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