I am still fustrated with everything. I am trying to put on a happy face when she is around. Every time my son and I are alone, it hits me real hard. I keep thinking about how this would affect him aswell. She stll has hot and cold days towards me.Now she is planning a weekend trip for the two of them next weekend without me. She ran it by me, and all I said was, I would like to go. She responded, I am getting things together, with the mortgage com ,I dont want to keep torturing you like this.I planned a trip a while back for my son and I, I invited her to come along, and she said no. Well 2 days before the trip, she asked to come along, that things are still the same between us.She didnt want to regret not experiencing Wash DC without him.We got along great that weekend. I am waiting to see if she changes her mind and asks me to come along with them. I am not pushing the issue, just sitting back and waiting.
M 43 W 35 S 6 BD 7-11 Served 5-2-13 Sep agree signed 5-12-14 Wife moves out pending refinance 5-14-14 Divorce hearing set May 2 Divorced May 2
She won't start looking at you differently until you completely detach and stop pursuing. It's the opposite of what you want. But it's what she's asking for. You can do it.
I saw the question you posted on my (very) old thread about what H did to make me think differently.
I get asked this question a lot because I was the person who ended it and then decided I wanted to work on it.
The longer I'm here I don't think there's any remedy or fix to every sitch. You can try to gain insight by reading what others have gone through but ultimately you have a find a truth inside yourself, that you will heal from this, that you are worthy of love, that the breakdown of you M was not totally your fault but also not none of your fault, so basically you each contributed, you can see your faults but not beat yourself with them, you can see her faults but not have any anger or resentment towards her because of them, you can let her live her life and make her choices without attempting to control or manipulate the sitch and you can love without any expectations of what the outcome may be.
This is what I'm struggling to do. We hope that we can learn to give love better and that by giving love better our WAS can see that we are now a more complete person and they've had the space without guilt to decide what is they want.
I had blinders on and felt like if we split up, if we D, if we moved on, if we found other people...we'd be happy. I wasn't happy in the M, I wasn't happy outside the M. And then suddenly my passive, needy, depressed, despondent, desperate H, treated me like an equal. He didn't look to me for validation. I now know it was because it got it from somewhere else, but I didn't know that. I had decided I had to end the M because he would never change he was happy like this. Then he became happier...he became more of the person I remember meeting.
He didn't find it from within so it's only temporary. He'll have to still do that work at some point. You find it within, you give her the space she needs to figure herself out, and you become a happier person.
Brit Thank you for that. It has started to make me think a little. I am sure I will read both of them over and over. It is really nice to know that there are others out there like you that dont even know me, offering what you have.I am starting to tear up. Thanks again, and I am not giving up.
M 43 W 35 S 6 BD 7-11 Served 5-2-13 Sep agree signed 5-12-14 Wife moves out pending refinance 5-14-14 Divorce hearing set May 2 Divorced May 2
AWWWW it's because I spent a lot of time without this board on the side of my house saying I was having a smoke break and sobbing into the bricks. haha and I had no idea that what I was feeling was so common.
Post here often and you'll find more and more people offering you support and encouragement. In a few weeks you'll read someone else's thread and think I remember when I was there. LOL
She will never come back if you are chasing, pursuing, etc. I'm still learning that because we try to tell ourselves over and over that we are not pursuing but we are. We'll wrap it up in excuses and reasons and justify it to ourselves. Distance and space I keep repeating it to myself!
Not chasing is the hardest part. Every time my W does something that makes me think it is a signal, I am ready to pounce and pursue. Learning to back off.
Example: For Memorial Day today, I planned on taking our Ds to the beach. I sent her a text that she was welcome to join us (I made sure it was an invitation from US, not ME). She said yes but she would drive herself.
I took this as she would go until the OM was ready then she would leave. But in reality, I think she took the car because she wasn't sure how I was going to be. If I started to smother her or pressured her about working on our marriage, she wanted the ability to leave.
I never once mentioned the OM. I never mentioned where we were in the relationship. We just sat and watched our girls and talked to each other like friends the entire time.
She stayed until we were ready to leave. Then on the way home, she called me to talk about a new job opportunity she was excited about and we talked for 30 mins driving home.
Although I wasn't 100% detached and dark, I didn't push her away today and it was a good day.
M-40 W-33 D3, D4, SD13 T 9 YEARS M 5 YEARS ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
Its going to be a tough weekend for me. W is planning on taking S to go out of town for the weekend. When she mentioned it to me last week about them going, all I said to her was, " I would like to go", and ofcourse she responded with," I am getting things straight, I dont want to keep tourchering you like this." She hasn't told me who she was going with,but I find out that she is going w a divorced girlfriend and her kids.It's Thur night and she hasnt brought up going or when they were leaving. I haven't brought it up at all. I left my comment alone about wanting to go. All I feel like doing is putting my fist thru the wall with my fustrations over this.I am playing it cool. Im thinking of inviting some friends over for a cookout on Sat. Dont know yet, trying to keep myself busy. WOW this hurts really BAD.I know deep down inside that this torture is worth me trying to get my wife and family back as one.
M 43 W 35 S 6 BD 7-11 Served 5-2-13 Sep agree signed 5-12-14 Wife moves out pending refinance 5-14-14 Divorce hearing set May 2 Divorced May 2
I am getting things straight, I dont want to keep tourchering you like this."
She's saying I'm confused. I'm trying to get on my feet emotionally. I know I'm hurting you and I'm sorry and I don't want to do that anymore. And I think spending time with you is doing more of that.
That's what my H keeps trying to tell me. LOL
She needs to not feel guilt and blame for your feelings in order to sort out her feelings for you. Does that make sense? It's taken me a few months to figure that out. I felt like he needed to know my pain. But that's emotional blackmail or something.
She knows you want to be with her, you have to detach now.
