Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 17 1 2 7 8 9 10 11 16 17
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 623
J
jks Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 623
I did it... I called him. I asked him what his intentions were with us and he said he had to call me back.

He then called me back about 30 min ago and he told me that he is trying to find the best time to end things with OW. He had a good talk with someone at work that is D and the guy told him, that if he had any small desire to still make things work between his W then he needs to end things with OW and give our M a chance.

He said he has been sleeping over at OW's house but he hasn't had sex with her for a while. He also said when he went to the Gala it didn't feel like he was there with his girlfriend. He felt like he was just there with a bunch of work friends. And he knows that OW can tell something is different because he hasn't been mentally present when he's around her.

He said that Mother's Day was really hard for him. I told him that I have been very understanding and I know where he's coming from and I don't want to hold this over his head forever. I know why he did the things he did, I just don't know how much longer I can take hearing about what he's doing with her. It's very painful. And I asked him what he would do if he were in my position?

He said, he hates that he's put me through this and really has no idea how it feels. He wouldn't know what he would do. He basically stated that he felt for a long time that all he wanted was to be with OW and he's now realizing after all is said and done that he's not really done with our marriage at all. He can't follow through with a D. He just has a really hard time talking to me about anything because his first instinct is to avoid.

We ended our conversation happy and light talking about how cute D1 is and all the new things that she's been doing. I feel good right now that things will be ok and I need to continue to have patience. Both he and I realize that there' s a lot of work that needs to be done. I'm ready to do it.

Sorry for not sticking to DB rules. I needed to have this conversation.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


Joined: May 2012
Posts: 30
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 30
My goodness, jks. I'm new here but your post is incredibly hopeful.

You must feel so light inside right now after all the darkness you've been through

WofP

Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
JKS,

H has told you the same thing before a couple of times right? Be very careful with your expectations. It's easy for H to *say* these things, it's much harder to actually *do* what he says. You might want to continue to assume that nothing is going to change, that will save you from the roller coaster ride.

I do believe that one reason H has been avoiding you is he's afraid of the outpouring you're going to give him. He got a taste of that at his parent's house. What are you going to do to pave the road back? How are you going to make it so that being with you is going to be good, and not a shame-session?

Originally Posted By: JKS
Sorry for not sticking to DB rules. I needed to have this conversation.


You don't have to apologize to anyone. It's YOUR sitch -- you know H and what is *right* for you more than anyone. Sometimes you take a gamble and it pays off, other times it doesn't -- that's okay.

I have observed that sometimes you're like a lit fuse -- you get your emotions kicked into high gear and then there's no stopping you -- that fuse burns down and the powder keg blows! What can you do to get a handle on that?

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
I believe you're on the right path. However on your H's part, actions speak louder than words. What can you do to increase that hopefulness on his side?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 623
J
jks Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 623
I am going to continue to let his actions show me. He is most definitely going to have to prove it to me. And I really do think that if he changes his mind again, I'm ready to be done. My date last night made me realize that I really can find a R with someone else. I am worth so much more than this.

One of the biggest reasons that he isn't ending things with her right away, from what he told me, is that he is running a relay with his sister, dad, friends from work and her in three weeks. He said he doesn't want to go through ending things with her and messing up the relay for everyone else because they have to have 12 people to be able to participate and everyone has already paid... $100 per person.

I said, well, can't you find someone else that can run her leg? He said she has gotten so close with everyone on the team and planning the event that he doesn't want to take that away from her. He didn't say this, but I know that he also doesn't want to miss out either especially since his dad and sister are doing it too, otherwise he would drop out.

So I was just talking with a friend and she said, well, this is his chance to really show you. Taking that first step and making a small sacrifice for his family by finding someone else to do this race would be a great way for him to show you and, yet, he still doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings and make things awkward for anyone. My H suffers from the "Nice Guy Syndrome" in a major way.

I feel like its not my place to tell him that he can't do the race or that he needs to find someone else to take her place because then that just shows me being controlling.

Accuray, I do get super emotional, however, I really do think that my H understands why... I even said in our conversation that I'm sorry I get so emotional when I talk to you and he said, you have no reason to apologize. I can't even imagine what you're going through.

Sometimes I feel like hiding emotions, hides the truth. I really have come a long way in suppressing down my anger and not jumping to conclusions with him. I am really trying to keep an open mind but also stay grounded knowing that I have a lot of great qualities to offer someone and if H really can't appreciate that, it now is his loss, not mine.

But as far as getting a handle on it, the only thing that has helped is talking with friends or family about it or posting here. I know I have more work to be done on myself though. I will never forget what got me here and why. It will constantly be a work in progress, I don't want to ever take it for granted again.

Mr. Bond, to answer your question... I think the thing that helps my H the most is when he sees me happy. Smiling, having a good attitude and being playful. Our M really lost the playfulness which is so important in helping people continue to feel "in love." Its something that he hasn't seen in me for a long time and I'm realizing that I hadn't seen it in myself either. It often feels foreign to me to truly laugh and enjoy myself. I'm focusing on this. Putting myself in situations that make me happy and make me feel good and surrounding myself with people that make me feel good.

In fact, when I called him today... I was very upbeat and friendly. I know he misses that in me and it affects him greatly when I do it. So that is one thing I've really been trying to change.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 2,502
JKS,

I wasn't referring to getting emotional per se, I was referring to being impulsive. You seem to make a decision to do something, obsess about it, and then can't resist. I'm just wondering if you tried "sleeping on it" once in a while if you'd be better served in your relationships.

WRT this:

Originally Posted By: JKS
One of the biggest reasons that he isn't ending things with her right away, from what he told me, is that he is running a relay with his sister, dad, friends from work and her in three weeks. He said he doesn't want to go through ending things with her and messing up the relay for everyone else because they have to have 12 people to be able to participate and everyone has already paid... $100 per person.

I said, well, can't you find someone else that can run her leg? He said she has gotten so close with everyone on the team and planning the event that he doesn't want to take that away from her. He didn't say this, but I know that he also doesn't want to miss out either especially since his dad and sister are doing it too, otherwise he would drop out.


That is a crazy excuse not to break off an affair IMO.

You tried to "solve" that for him, and he gave you another excuse. I guarantee that if you could have solved that one there would have been another excuse.

I agree with Mr. Bond that what he said is a positive indicator, but I'm afraid for you that you're going to get your hopes up and H is going to continue to fence-sit. Let's be realistic, he could easily move out *now*, still be friendly with her and run the race with her if he wanted to. Continuing to sleep there is not a requirement to keep her on the relay team. He could also break up with her now and STILL run the race with her if she wanted to stay on the team -- that's up to her! If it means that much to her she'll do it anyway!

JKS, it's a poor excuse and that's what concerns me. All I'm saying is don't get your hopes up that anything will change until he proves it with action. Continue to DB, continue to act-as-if, continue to be happy and upbeat. That's all you can do, and that's all you can control.

I'm so sorry you're on this roller coaster, but please remember, believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.

Accuray


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 623
J
jks Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 623
So now everyone I talk to is telling me that this is insane for my H to expect me to be ok with this. He's basically telling me that this race and OW's feelings are more important than me and my feelings. Because we all know in the mean time that they're going to continue sleeping with each other and they're going to continue hanging out. Kind of a slap in the face...

So now I'm supposed to continue on and not say anything about it? I can't imagine how he would feel if someone was doing this to his own daughter. I feel like I don't know how to handle this no matter what direction I go. If I don't say anything, then I'm allowing him to treat me like scum and basically becoming a doormat. If I do say something then I'm pressuring him too much.

WHAT IN THE WORLD DO I DO?

Accuray, I know you may not believe this but I really have come a long way. There have been a lot of instances where I had a strong urge to do or say something and I totally went against it and kept my cool. I would either write in my journal, post here or call someone to just vent about it. Believe me, I think if I had really said everything that I wanted to when I wanted to, H may not be making the decision he's making right now.

I will not ever proclaim to be the best DB'er... ever. But reading the book and being on this forum has helped me far more than anything. I have tried my hardest to apply the principles to my situation and at times I know I've failed. But I've had a much better understanding as to why H does what he does and I've given him so much more space than I think I would have ever been able to do.

--------

My brother just texted me and said that I have something wrong with me. That my H just misses his kids and is just playing me.

I feel like I don't even want to live this life anymore. The amount of anger, sadness and confusion that my H continues to impose on me is really starting to make me feel like I may not be able to go on much longer for him.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
Then I would tell him that you are extremely uncomfortable with this arrangement and if he is willing to sacrifice his family for the sake of a race, then he is disrespecting you. He's going to say that you are being unreasonable, etc. But don't you back down.

Before he gets into it, tell him that you will not be disrespected any longer. You're not going to tell him what to do, but you know what you will not take.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 623
J
jks Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 623
I think so that I'm able to say exactly what I want to say and to avoid getting super emotional about it, I will write him an email.

I really am not ok with this. I think that I have been patient enough.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 623
J
jks Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 623
Well, I sent H the email and told him to call me tonight after he read it. He called me and basically he is still on the fence about everything. He has such a funny way about telling me things and then later I pick his brain a little more and it starts to come out differently. I am constantly asking him to clarify what he just said now because I am so tired of thinking I know what he means.

So, yes, Accuray... you are absolutely correct. I never doubted you, to be honest. I just needed my H to clarify because I am not going to listen to him say these things and get my hopes up when I know full well that he is "showing" me otherwise.

The race obviously is not the reason he is waiting so long to end the R with OW. But I mentioned to him that he very much made it sound like that was his driving force. He said, I can see how it would have come across that way. Communication issues... they never cease!!

I asked him if he felt like he was "in love" with her and he said sometimes he does. He said he does feel very strongly for her still. He said he has no idea what he's doing and he knows this isn't fair to me.

I asked him about the Gala and how he mentioned that he didn't feel like he was there with his girlfriend. What did he mean by that? He said, because he feels like I am still a part of him. That we have so much history together that its hard for him to put that feeling towards someone else. And it's also one of the reasons he can't file the papers for D.

I told him, it seems like nothing is going to happen unless "I" do something... meaning if I file. Ultimately, is that what you want me to do? He said, no.

He did mention that he feels like he's now starting to see things more clearly and he is now able to see a future with me. Whereas before it was impossible for him. He says there are little things here and there that remind him of me and he misses those things but doesn't know if that's enough for him to want to work on a R with me. He's still so afraid that things won't work but, yet, he can now envision in his head that it could work. Babysteps on that, I guess.

He gets confused on whether he is missing his kids or missing his family or is he really missing me? I think he just wants so badly for something more to be there with me and because he's still so attracted to OW and enjoys her company so much, how does he just end it with her? This is why I'm constantly saying, he has made THE biggest mess. No married man should be in this position. He should never have even allowed himself to become as close with her as he did, even as friends. But what can I do about it now?

The whole time we were talking, he was very nice and we were very cordial with each other. He had to go back to work but told me he would call me tomorrow. He also mentioned that he knows OW wants to talk with him because she can tell that something is up. I asked him what he was going to say to her and he said, I don't know. I'm guessing this is going to be happening tomorrow.

I did also ask him if he was going to continue sleeping with her and he said, I don't know.

Isn't this just lovely? GAL, jks, GAL. This still could not end very pretty for me.


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


Page 9 of 17 1 2 7 8 9 10 11 16 17

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard