Journal: Dang it, I checked that blog.... No calling, no emailing, no texting though.
His 'subject (character)' looks cool and collected on the outside, but is hollow inside, looking for something that isn't there anymore. Can't make his sadness any less sad, even if he wanted to.
and another was that Life doesn't undo.
urgh... Maybe he is processing this. Maybe not. As I am being unavailable and won't contact him myself, I won't know, and I'm not going to try to figure him out. If he is processing it, good... I'm glad that he is experiencing this time alone. Maybe give some perspective on what he had and what he did, and if it was worth it. Doesn't mean he will come back.
We couldn't be more opposite in how we approach life at this point. I look at it like 'well, I'll take a step, and I have faith that the staircase is there'. I hate the defeatist attitude he has. Like Eeyore. "Oh well, didn't need that heart anyway."
I feel free. It's odd. I felt so emotionally tied down and trapped in fear before, and now I just don't. I feel like the world is open to me and I can pick and choose what I want to do. I love it. In the hardest of times, there IS always something good that comes of it. Sometimes you just have to look at it differently and get out of the comfort zone. Does that mean I love H any less, or I want a divorce? Nope, not at all. But he needs this experience too. If it's meant to be, we will be. I haven't let go of that thought. Yes it's not fun when I check my email and nothing, no phone calls... But this isn't all about me and my journey (even though I realize it's all me, me, me on this post). He has to have some growing to do too. I would absolutely love to hear from him, but I know I would be wary too. What is different *this* time than last? I'm being patient because I think it's worth it. Again, it's not MY time frame. Surprisingly, I'm not in control of the universe.
I have some painting and decluttering to do. I arranged for a couple of realtors to come in 3 weeks and I'm excited about getting this house on the market (Finally!) One more thing done off my list! Onward!
Does it count as a GAL if yesterday I spent my free time at The Container Store talking with the workers about my favorite subject - organizing for a couple of hours? The one lady I met really seemed excited to talk to me for just over an hour, and was getting ideas from me about her own home, and how she was going to put some of my ideas to use at her own house, and she WORKS there. She wants me to come back and talk to her more. It made me feel really good, like I was a useful person to someone (and NO she wasn't trying to get me to buy anything, I already did a good job of that on my own!)
Me& h + S M: 13 t: 14
H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my! I'm done. 12/12
"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba
Dang it, I need to write these in notepad before I post! Today's song I woke up with playing in my head was Chumbawamba - Tubthumping.
"We'll be singing, When we're winning We'll be singing.
(I get knocked down But I get up again You're never going to keep me down)x 3 "
and The Killers - Bling (Confession of a King): When I offer you survival, You say it's hard enough to live, Don't tell me that it's over, Stand up, Poor and tired, But more than this
How do you know that you're right? If you're not nervous anymore, It's not so bad, it's not so bad
Sounds as if you are doing better about not pursuing. Keep that light right on you. I think I told you before, the people I know that saved their marriages, focused on themselves and really dropped the rope as far as their stbx's were concerned. The spouses must have felt it somehow and they started coming back.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
She wants me to come back and talk to her more. It made me feel really good, like I was a useful person to someone (and NO she wasn't trying to get me to buy anything, I already did a good job of that on my own!)