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Joined: Apr 2012
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Maggie, I wanted to tell you I have empathy for you and the lawn work. We have 20 acres and not fancy landscaping, but a lot of mowing, weed eating, pruning needs to be done often. I have never done it but it falls on my shoulders now.

Like Brit, I can also relate to the object lessons--overgrown weeds like bad habits that get into our marriages! it feels great to get it all cleaned up!


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
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I find the party pics with H so happy painful too. I don't know if it's better to see the pics & know what he's doing or not know. It's really tough.


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,108
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I'm really sorry you had to see that. I actually find myself thinking that I'm really lucky that H's GF hasn't tagged him in any pictures. I think it might have pushed me over the edge in the past. And I feel bad when I think about all the pictures that I'd put up when I was a WAW. Especially of my massive birthday night out. It was all coworkers but I can imagine he felt left out. I remember now that he sent me a text saying that he hoped I had a wonderful night and that I deserved to have a great birthday. It breaks my heart thinking about it now.

Good job on not sending the email. One think I'm learning is that if you wait a day or two, you'll change either your wording or you'll change your mind on sending it. Monthly friend always makes me crazy too! wink But I find looking back each month it gets easier and easier not to be crazy at that time. We all do things rash and silly during this process waiting helps. I just need to institute that rule more. LOL

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In the beginning of this sitch, I had someone edit my emails and then waited 48hrs before sending. A lot of emails didn't get sent and those that did were pared down to a sentence or 2.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Mar 2012
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Labug- I think it was you who suggested envisioning a stop sign when I started thinking of my H with the OW. Yesterday I started wearing an elastic and I am snapping it (gently) when I think of him. Weirdly...it seems to be working....


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 157
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My nephew graduates from Pre- school today. He of course asked where Uncle H was first thing this morning and if he is coming to graduation (no- he is in Africa studying elephants but he's so proud of you). Just reflecting back on the past year- and thinking about the spook walk my H and I set up for nephew's first Halloween party and all the thought H put into it and the desk my H refurbished for nephew for Christmas. Now he is missing his graduation. I just don't get how someone can have so much love for me and for my family and then wake up one day and it is all gone frown

Must remember to bring tissues to graduation.


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 157
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Maggie3 Offline OP
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Need some advice. I am very unsure what to do about my house- right now my H is still paying his portion of the mortgage (neither could afford it alone). He makes and pays more than me. We had talked about perhaps me staying and getting roommates, and idea he really liked. He said he would continue to pay a portion of the mortgage if I do get roommates.

I love our house, and feel nervous about so many changes at once, nervous to lose money if we sell our house now, etc. But it is also not really close to my family, my commute isn't horrible but can be bad at times, I have a few friends who live around here. I'm in the suburbs and feel like it may be harder to meet someone if that ends up being the route I need to take (feel pressured by time and the fact I want to have children) and my mother doesn't support me staying here (because I cannot keep up the yard myself) and she worries he will suddenly not want to pay anymore or something. Obviously if we go the route of keeping the house everything would need to be in writing. I also wonder if he has motives of keeping me on the back burner as a plan 2 if things don't work out- and if keeping me in our house is his way of doing this. He says his stress level has fallen since moving out- wouldn't getting rid of our house be the ultimate stress reducer? Or is he feeling guilty over leaving me so he is giving me blood money?

Today my H emailed me this after I sent him something about our bathroom which we had been in the process of hiring a contractor to redo when he dropped the bomb.

"Have you thought anymore about what you want to do about the house?  I'm only asking because if you plan to stay in it without roomates I need to plan for that".

I'm not sure how to respond. I feel like this is a conversation we need to have in person but I'm still so all over the place. I also wonder if over email is better because then I have time to respond with thought instead of emotion, and things are in writing. I wish I didn't have to second guess every contact I have with him. I just wish someone would tell me what to do or that I had a crystal ball. How have others handled house issues?

Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day we got engaged frown


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,108
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It's hard to think about moving because that was your house together. And it is another tie to him. It might actually be good for you to have a fresh start.

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Maggie3 Offline OP
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I emailed him telling him I think we need to talk and figure some things out before I make a decision one way or the other (will he be doing yard work still? What happens if we need something major done?) I kept my email very brief. He responded saying we could meet once I am out of work for the summer. That's good- will buy me more time to think about what I want. If I see him this weekend when he comes to do yard work I will nicely mention that he should be helping more with the yard.

He stayed at our house Tuesday night while I was at my sisters. I had asked him to take care of our pets. I felt frustrated when I got home yesterday. He didn't do one thing other than feed them (I usually ask him to cut their nails and brush their teeth because he does a better job than I can). I didn't ask him to this time and he didnt. He also left me a sink full of dishes. It's one thing doing his dishes when he still lives at the house and is acting like a husband but I shouldn't have to clean up after him when he is being unfaithful and doesn't want to work on our M. I didn't bother saying anything though.


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 157
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Maggie3 Offline OP
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H is here cutting the lawn. I put on perfume, left the sundress I wore to work on and put my hair back (he always asked me why I never wore my hair back because he liked it that way). I am being friendly- ish. He makes it so hard though. He is so cold to me and I just don't get it. Fine- cheat, leave me, whatever but don't treat me like I'm the bad guy.

He came in and asked to use my laptop to look some thing up about a tree. He is convinced its dying even though an expert came and looked at it last year and said its not. I told him i needed to get some stuff off my computer first (this site was open!!) and he was getting annoyed by having to be near me an extra 30 seconds while I closed windows and I said "I have some things on there that are not your business anymore". I hope that was okay. I'm not good at being mysterious- I am an open book type.

I told him something I planned on doing with a flower bed outside- in hopes to make it easier for me to manage. He said "As long as you're doing the work I don't care what you do". Nice. So that brought me to discussing if I do stay in the house- will he continue to do the lawn? He said yes as long as I live here and he is part owner he will cut the lawn. I told him I wanted to get that and some other things in writing before making any decisions about whether to stay in and get roommates or not. He seems like he is really itching to get out of his mom's house and into an apartment- not that I can blame him. I told him I still need to think about whether I want to move back to the city or not and that we can discuss it after I'm done school.

I'm waiting for my friend to finish some stuff so I can go meet her for dinner/ drinks and leave while he is still here. I hate that it has to be so awkward. How can you go from loving someone to hating being in the same room as them? For others this seemed to happen over time but for him it was honestly all of a sudden over maybe 3 months tops.


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
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