He's lost that lovin' feelin'

[labug]

And I won't bring it up again : )

[reachingHigher]

I was using the term, "partying drug" metaphorically. I think he is addicted to the fun, entertainment and attention. He and I are both somewhat compulsive anyway.

Ironically, today he is sick. Too much partying. He told me he needs more sleep and less alcohol. That's something a person has to decide on their own, someone else can't tell them.

I spent my free time today looking through my diaries of 2008, 2009, 2010. I'm appalled at how many times we discussed his unhappiness, desire for more entertainment, discontent with church standards, discontent with me, yet I was callous to make any changes. I just worried about it but didn't do anything. I'm so ashamed.

Today we had a (good) lengthy texting session about whether I'm making changes to impress him or because I want them (he wanted to know). I told him I have been tempted to want to impress him, and I would like it if he liked the changes, but I want to be the best I can be for me.

This separation is giving me time to develop more of myself as a woman. That's another reason to detach from his behaviors. If I don't, I spend my time worrying and not growing.

I'm having fewer tears and more balance. And that feels really good!

[labug]

I was using the term, "partying drug" metaphorically. I think he is addicted to the fun, entertainment and attention. He and I are both somewhat compulsive anyway.

I thought that's what you meant, thanks for clarifying.

Sounds like things are going well for you. Maybe his partying will run it's course.

[reachingHigher]

Thanks, labug. It means so much to have you exchange with me. It's great to be able to say things here.

With H & DB communication seems so limited. Can't talk about the past or future. Can't talk to many friends or relatives. The present realities are limited since you can't usually say how you feel. DB is really a program of incredible self-control.

[reachingHigher]

Friday will be an important day. It's the day he pays rent for the third month of his three month lease. He will either have to give notice that he is moving out, or go month-to month. He told me last week he hadn't decided what to do yet. I have been careful not to bring it up.

Since it's a fully furnished corporate style apartment it's expensive. $1500/month. H doesn't like to part with his money. I suppose he could find other options.

I'm trying to prepare myself mentally for whatever decision he comes to. Will I have the self-control to act warm, friendly and supportive no matter what? Moving back home will have its set of challenges as well. Hmmmmm.....

[reachingHigher]

I'm trying to detach myself from H's behaviors. It's not that I don't enjoy the life I have, but, somehow, even after all this, there is that desire to control someone else. And that's not healthy.

So I am contemplating that detaching means more than just not thinking about what he's doing. If all I think about is what he is doing, somehow what I am doing doesn't seem as valuable. And that's not right!

So I need to value my life, and that will help me detach from his behavior. Yet, enjoying him when I do see him.

He said he would like to come over tomorrow afternoon. I offered to drive to HP (45 minutes) but it sounded like he really wanted to come here. And that's good! He even said he would help me with some of the lawn care. I'm tickled about that. I'd love to work with him on something--not just always go to dinner or talk or whatever!

[heartbrokeinsd]

i really like that.

"So I am contemplating that detaching means more than just not thinking about what he's doing. If all I think about is what he is doing, somehow what I am doing doesn't seem as valuable. And that's not right!

So I need to value my life, and that will help me detach from his behavior. Yet, enjoying him when I do see him."

that is really going to help me get some perspective

[reachingHigher]

I'm glad it was of some help.

It seems easier to feel conviction when you see it written down somehow.

I had a victory in detachment tonight! May it stick! H is a big FB user. He uses it to coordinate social events with his new friends. Whenever I saw a pic posted of H in party situations (girls, drinking, etc.) I would copy it and file it in an electronic photo album. And viewing these pics has caused me much grief!

So....tonight I deleted all of them! When we continue to mull over certain undesirable behaviors of our spouse, it gives them power they don't deserve in our lives. I deserve to be happy too! I am trying to learn to give myself permission to leave the sadness behind and enjoy my present life. Even be happy. Trying anyway. Lol.

[labug]

Ahhhh Facebook!

Some people think it's evil but it's like everything else in life, it can be good, it can be bad.

It all depends on how you use it. You are in control of that.

Yay for you on taking a step out of the mire of victimhood!

The biggest step in detaching is realizing on the deepest levels that H has his own journey which you have no control over.

Let him go on that journey.

One of my favorite detachment reminders: To let go is not to try to blame of change another; it is to make the most of myself.

[reachingHigher]

Labug, is that quote, "not to try to blame OR change another"? Just checking to make sure I got the meaning right.
Excellent! I love it!

Honestly, I could take or leave FB but since H is so invested in it, as are my extended family and friends, I think it helps me stay in touch since I'm a SAHM. Also, H "likes" everything I post or comments on it usually within five minutes. He really likes the electronic avenues of communication (texting also) so for communication with him, I try to make it easy for him.

You are right though, like so many things it can be a blessing or a curse!