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#2247125 - 05/21/12 04:47 PM Re: Not Being A Victim [Re: tested metal]
WenikiTiki Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/11
Posts: 1078
Loc: Hawaii
Dear Bklyn,

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. I have that hole in the middle of me feeling, too. I was wondering when it might go away. It has been a long while for me, so I'm guessing not any time soon.

This morning I work up and for some odd reason the song "Total Eclipse of the Heart" was in my head. (Maybe because my friends all were excited about the eclipse yesterday.)

But I realized that is what my STBX has had. And I have no control over his feelings! NONE! I am doing my best to move on. And I do read my mantra on my wall: Create a New Beautiful Life For Me. Thanks 25 for that.

Take care of yourself. You will get a little better every day. I promise. Heck, I can say the word divorce in public now and not have a meltdown. Progress indeed!
_________________________
Me 54 XH 55 Sons age 29 & 24 M:32 T:33
D final 9/12
Sold the house, Progress is being made!

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#2247155 - 05/21/12 06:06 PM Re: Not Being A Victim [Re: tested metal]
Autumn Leaves Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 568
Loc: Pennsylvania
I'm sorry today is tough Bklyn! Some are definitely harder than others, especially with younger children. It really adds a whole new level of difficulty.

Keep doing what you are doing, responding as you are. You are doing some wonderful things for yourself, self care is so very important right now. Good for you!!
_________________________
-Autumn


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#2247222 - 05/21/12 09:15 PM Re: Not Being A Victim [Re: Autumn Leaves]
BklynMom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 1796
I feel like my head is back on straight. But the only way for me get focused again and not be bummed out is to believe in a miracle. I live in the reality of today; that my H is not at home but I will continue to believe that he will come home soon to me and our beautiful girls.
_________________________
----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13


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#2247301 - 05/22/12 03:30 AM Re: Not Being A Victim [Re: BklynMom]
NLW Offline
Member

Registered: 09/09/11
Posts: 1285
Hey Bklyn,

I'm right here with you on this.

The thing that keeps me going, though, is continuing to believe that my H will come home eventually - rather than 'soon'.

I figure if he came home soon, it would be doomed to fail as he is not ready yet.

Putting in place a much longer time frame, I cling onto AliSuddenly's experience of around 18 months (or 25's 2 years), because her partner seemed to be doing/saying similar things to mine.

Remember what it says in DR about the need to be patient? Re-read if necessary, because I think patience is the key to a good attitude in keeping going through this terrible time.

You are doing so well in this impossible situation. You've come this far, and you will adapt to whatever is thrown at you, I can tell.

Best, NLW

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#2247306 - 05/22/12 04:07 AM Re: Not Being A Victim [Re: BklynMom]
NLW Offline
Member

Registered: 09/09/11
Posts: 1285
Hey Bklyn,

I'm right here with you on this.

The thing that keeps me going, though, is continuing to believe that my H will come home eventually - rather than 'soon'.

I figure if he came home soon, it would be doomed to fail as he is not ready yet.

Putting in place a much longer time frame, I cling onto AliSuddenly's experience of around 18 months (or 25's 2 years), because her partner seemed to be doing/saying similar things to mine.

Remember what it says in DR about the need to be patient? Re-read if necessary, because I think patience is the key to a good attitude in keeping going through this terrible time.

You are doing so well in this impossible situation. You've come this far, and you will adapt to whatever is thrown at you, I can tell.

Best, NLW

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#2247355 - 05/22/12 01:07 PM Re: Not Being A Victim [Re: BklynMom]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
Originally Posted By: BklynMom
I going be dropping and picking up kids for the next 18yrs. It stinks.



Hey BK- I used to project what things would look like until my kids were adults. (Ex- they will alternate important holidays)

We can project in our minds 18-years of this logistical mess in a matter of minutes in our head. The thing is though is that we have no idea how things will actually be. When you see yourself thinking years in the future, especially negative thoughts, try to catch yourself and realize that it is just a dream and get your focus back on today.
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

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#2247356 - 05/22/12 01:07 PM Re: Not Being A Victim [Re: sayitaintso]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
One day at a time BK, you have come so far.
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

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#2247470 - 05/22/12 07:55 PM Re: Not Being A Victim [Re: sayitaintso]
BklynMom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 1796
Thks SIAS and NLW. One day at a time & patience. I can do it. I have done it until now!
_________________________
----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13


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#2247912 - 05/23/12 09:37 PM Re: Not Being A Victim [Re: BklynMom]
BklynMom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 1796
Today was a great day. D3 had an appointment with a cardiologist b/c her dr. heard a heart murmur. Turns out her heart is perfect, no murmur even.

So my H just spent over an hour over here to pick up the kids. Dont know how it turned into an hour+ since everything was all packed when he got here. Girls were dilly dalling. D3 ask H if I could spend the night at daddy house. H just didnt answer. Also H brought me a coffee, which he hasnt done in while since I told him I need more space. (I told him I needed more space the day he filed for D)

My H has totally bought into this co-parenting crap about how freaking great its going to be once he is fully self actuallized and we are friends that can sip coffee while discussing the logistics of our kids lives. THat is total BS to me. If you can be friends with the other person and you are attracted to that person, and you have kids THEN YOU SHOULD BE MARRIED!! Hello. Didnt we both have the same values when we tied the knot?? Didnt we both value marriage and family and committment. Who is this alien.

I feel like I should tell H we need to go see the therapist again because D3 doesnt get that me sleeping at Daddys house is not an option. Someone needs to correct D3 rather than ignore it.

Meanwhile in lawyer land, its H turn to respond in writing to my L (who is also my father) and we are waiting for a response. Its been almost 2 weeks. I am feeling weak in the knees. Is his response going to be so comprehensive that the negotiating process will be over quickly and that will be the end of it??

I am going to enjoy the next 24 hours with no kids and get out and do some yoga and run.
_________________________
----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13


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#2247924 - 05/23/12 10:26 PM Re: Not Being A Victim [Re: BklynMom]
AJM Offline
Member

Registered: 11/26/08
Posts: 3015
Well, you have the right idea. Go run, do yoga, etc. Visualize. Focus. Expend energy, because you are still angry (I know, I know.)

Things won't change until you change. I can assure you of that.

I'm not saying you have to be friends, but acceptance and friendship aren't the same thing. Friendship is something different to you than it is to H. Finding what that balance is while parenting the kids is going to be the challenge.

Your values and his are not always going to be the same. But they weren't anyway. Co-parenting is MUCH better than parallel parenting though and your kids will need that to be healthy. I assure you as one that has walked in those shoes.

His leaving doesn't have to make sense. His actions don't have to make sense. They likely won't to you. But finding a way to co-parent is worth every tear and every joy.

If it was easy, wouldn't everyone do it? smile

For the sake of your kids health and balance, find a way to set the rest aside. It won't come easily nor quickly enough, but it is worth it.

AJ
_________________________
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."

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