Hey Brit, just wanted to say been there and I can totally sympathise BUT.....don't beat yourself up over it. We've all been there, this is a process and no one gets it perfect straight away - pick yourself up, say 'boy did I learn from that' and carry on with the EXCELLENT DBing you have been doing.
Linking with what scared silly said - my DB said that both WAS and LBS make decisions and react based on fear - and, to quote, 'fear is a powerful motivator but a lousy guide'. Whatever happens in this process I am going to remember that saying, and I try if I feel panicky or angry to stop and ask what I'm afraid of, then ask whether the way I'm about to act is going to stop that from happening. It's helped me to not pick up the phone a couple of times this week!
Similarly, the DB coach pointed how how some of Hs decisions are fear based - things won't change, what if there's something better I'm missing out on.....kind of makes it easier to understand
if I strip it all down I suppose it is rejection. I'm scared of not being important to him anymore. I'm scared of someone else being more important.
In the past 2 weeks I've seen him relate to me better. Texts about funny things, random things for no reasons. Coming by last night when he knew I was home and he could have put that off until Tuesday when he was planning to come over anyway....I am really hoping that this doesn't scare him away.
"if I strip it all down I suppose it is rejection. I'm scared of not being important to him anymore. I'm scared of someone else being more important".
This is a feeling that I am trying to deal with at the moment - it is incredibly hard to know that someone who you would do anything for does not feel the same way anymore.
For what its worth Brit I think you are doing fantastically well, I am 5 months into my split now and am struggling to maintain any control on my emotions whatsoever!!!
Hang in there Brit...you are an inspiration to us LBH. Your strength and honesty is very refreshing...and gives us poor dumb men hope.
I still hold on to some hope that my STBXW will have the awakening you've had...can you talk to her for me?
Have a great day, always thinking about you and sending great thought and hugs. (((((Brit)))))
TD
Me:44, W: 39 D:16, D:14, D:11(special needs) M:17, T:21+ Bomb:3/18/12 W contacted mediator for D:3/27/12 Separate since bomb Mediation, signed agreement 5/17/12 No talk of D since mediation
Thank you TD because right now I just feel terrible and trying not to be all black and white about it and thinking I've ruined it all.
Yesterday I was on top of the world now I'm just hoping all my hard work hasn't been washed away.
I'm going back to non pursuit. And I'm hoping that what I did and said is worse in my mind than in reality. He doesn't know about these goals I have. So I'm hoping that my texting and calling wasn't as bad as I have been in the past.
Oh dear I know I'm just trying to convince myself can someone say tell me it wasn't that bad? thanks!
Don't take it too hard. Consider it an experiment that did not yield optimum results. Dust yourself on, get back on the DB road. Let him see that that's not how you act all the time, because, as you said, it isn't. Monitor your results this week.
In a crazytown sort of way, this horrible event makes me less anxious about seeing him Tuesday. Because that's what us control people do isn't it? We feel so nervous living in the uncertainity that we do something horrible so then we feel like it's been decided. I may have screwed it all up so now there's NO expectations. I think it's a big step to identify that I do that...sabotage.
i'm starting to see more and more how everything happens for a reason - and usually a very good one. it seems as if every cruel little detail, if we stop going into panic mode and stay still to find out what it's really about - everything is really there to let us find something out about ourselves or the people around us.
what you discovered here - about sabotaging yourself - in advance - to avoid disappointment and unmet expectations, to protect yourself. i remember when i realized that about myself and about h. it's an amazing feeling, because once you see what you are doing - you somehow get released from the doing of it.
so put aside that cringe-y feeling (and yes i've felt that too many times to mention) and instead focus on what you learned about how you protect yourself - and how it actually works against you.
in taking the opportunity to learn from this, you can turn the focus to yourself, find an area that needs improvement (not how you DB but what you can do different so that you don't sabotage your own desires), and in doing both those things you will kill 2 birds with one stone, so to speak: detach and work on yourself
how cool is that!!
take care
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
So today I realized I wasted a day beating myself up over 1 text and a 2 minute phone conversation after 2 weeks of great non-pursuit and seeing amazing results. including that inperson convo only 24 hours ago.
I now can see a pattern that when I get a good interaction, I'm at my most vulnerable in keeping the 180s and continuing to give him space. Usually it's small...ie he texts me and I have to take a deep breath and not make my response over the top or something like that.
As excited as I was about Saturday night in a "hey look this tunnel DID have cheese" way, what I didn't completely understand was the vulnerability that came with it. Which then led to me over reacting to him taking an item from the garage.
As much as I like the response that non-pursuit gives me from H, I have to remember that I do it not just for the response and hopefully reconsideration it gets from him, but that foremost it's for ME: my protection, my stability, and giving me a tiny bit of control in the only thing I can control MY REACTIONS in this uncertain situation.
yesterday when I was warned about expectations, I thought oh I don't have any expectations about how he'll act the next time I see him. but expectations don't just show up in the literal tit for tat sense but sometimes in strange ways like my silly worries about an item I didn't want anyway.
So lesson learned from all this...for advancement that happens in our R, I have to be careful that I safeguard against vulnerabilities and fears surfacing in other ways.
The easy route is to walk away again. To say a big F U to H, convince myself that I could meet someone better, make a list of everything that's wrong with him and use that every time I meet someone else...that would be easy. Being vulnerable, confronting why I get scared, learning to live with uncertainty in my life, being okay not being in control..these are all new concepts to me and I'm committed to becoming better in all these areas
