i believe we all do the best we can with what we know and where we are at the moment (how can i admit that when i keep asking my W for what she can not give me now?!?)
you were not able to see a way out then, you were not ready too. perhaps you were scared too. i know fear fuels all of my distancing behaviours in relationships.
the compassion you show for your H and for all of us, i hope you shower yourself with it.
i use regret as another way to avoid the sadness, i obsess/plan/read/figure it out/blame myself.... instead of just being sad...
an analogy (or metaphor?) that I like compares feelings to waves. If we brace yourself against a wave it will crash down on you, if you float with it, it will pass through you..
my IC told me to let it out (cry, scream, tantrum, beat the floor) and then after awhile, do something nice to take care of myself.
big hugs to you today. ((( )))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Well I took a moment and stopped rewriting the sitch in my head. I was incredibly incredibly unhappy. We never communicated in the SAME house. He was unahppy. Soooo unhappy with life, with everything.
I hate that his happiness and my decisions mean that he's now involved with someone else, because I feel like it's closed the door (for the time being) on a chance for us. But there's every possibility that without an outside person he still would have chosen not to return to the relationship....yet
I do in my heart of hearts feel like there is a yet. He has never said there isn't a chance. He has never said that I've hurt him beyond repair or something. I think that my strong personality has led him to choose someone he feels "safe" with.
He felt like courtships was easy, she isn't really pretty so doesn't intimidate him, she works in a "logical" field (he said talking to her is like watching the history channel he could listen to stuff about her job all day...YAWN)
He has always loved my fiestiness, my loud colorful confident free attitude, the fact that when we met I was wearing earrings the size of stop signs haha, I always have some crazy idea/plan/scheme going on, I guess in short I'm saying he'll get bored.
At what point does the fear stop outweighing attraction. There is no doubt he will never have more fun with someone else. But maybe he's decided he doesn't need that anymore. haha
While typing this he texted me a picture of an onion at his place that had started sprouting with a little joke. So we texted back and forth about that. I had texted him earlier about the hospital situation. All facts. no emotion. He texted back some encouragement. I kept it business! I have to have to have to be the one to end the communication. Otherwise I text a reply and hate waiting for another reply that never comes.
Keep your chin up. I appreciate our banter because we are on exactly opposite sides of the coin, if your husband thought like me and my W thought like you something interesting would certainly be happening!
I don't think you have a closed door. I think your husband was terribly hurt, and perhaps he is trying to hurt you out of spite. If you guys were together 7 years and generally happy, the 2 months he has investing in this other woman is probably meaningless, aside from the "new love drunk" he thinks he is experiencing. It is really crazy how are sitch's are diametrically opposed... You actually sound a lot like my W as well.
Don't let yourself get down, and from what I gather from your posts I'm sure you never do. My gut is usually right, I have a feeling that your sitch is going to be one of the ones that has a happy ending.
And I hear you on the texting front, the crickets after the last sent text are always fun... lol That's why the W is going to be hearing crickets for a while.
Enjoy life and be patient, I am as excited to see what happens as you are!
me 38 W 30 T 3 M in 05/2010 Separated 08/2011 Stephchildren (all hers) SS17, SS12, SD8 I filed 8/27, she countered I filed response 9/5 Anxiously waiting on the judge!
He has always loved my fiestiness, my loud colorful confident free attitude, the fact that when we met I was wearing earrings the size of stop signs haha, I always have some crazy idea/plan/scheme going on, I guess in short I'm saying he'll get bored.
Man Brit...it's all about getting that swagger back. But when we do get that swagger back, do we really want S back? Especially if that S is the one that initiated all this, yet doesn't have the courage that you do?
Originally Posted By: Brit45
There is no doubt he will never have more fun with someone else. But maybe he's decided he doesn't need that anymore. haha
I think about this daily with my W...NO WAY will she ever have as much fun as we did when we were truly on.
Like broken...I too yearn for my W to be more like you...
Me:44, W: 39 D:16, D:14, D:11(special needs) M:17, T:21+ Bomb:3/18/12 W contacted mediator for D:3/27/12 Separate since bomb Mediation, signed agreement 5/17/12 No talk of D since mediation
Tonight in my mediation class at the end we had to think of a wish for ourselves, one for someone else, and one for the world. Yes I really am this airy-fairy.
And at first my wish was I want to be at peace and calm with my sitch however it turns out. And she said now consider all the ways this could come true are you happy with this? If not change your wish and I thought scr*w it...my wish is that H and I really have another chance that he sees his way to that bridge.
And then I was visualising it. I could see the bridge wooden and beautiful with draping flowers and I was standing on it almost sweeping leaves and things off and then he was walking up, smiling, and I was wearing a dress I know he likes and he called me sweetheart in that voice and we embraced. And I realized I know where that bridge is. I know where I've just pictured us. I can see it. I can feel it. I know that my friends will say not to get my hopes up. I know that Broken will say he feels it in his gut. I know that many people will say just be okay with what is right now. But if I don't have hope....I don't have much.
I'm a dreamer. It's one of the things he loves and hates about me. (and a part of me that hasn't been around lately)I jump off big cliffs expecting to find a soft place to land and it usually works. His grandma (quite warily) said of me..."that one she gets what she wants" and you know what? I DO!
I'm not asking for the impossible I just want a chance I want to meet him on that bridge and give it an honest try.
Someone said maybe you'll learn to appreciate each other. I feel like I do now.....a lot more than I have in a very very long time.
There are things about the way he's acting now that are disappointing to me. I'm not trying to see things through rose colored glasses But I can only hope that he is trying to grow.
Whilst those massive emotionally down days are devastating, I find it comforting that I can actually see improvement in how I handle those emotions. The sad days become further a part and on some days the hurt isnt as noticeable. Two steps forward one step back - but still moving forward
You are a massive inspiration to me as you have progressed forward with a profound "higher" emotional, almost spiritual, state of mind. Everything you have posted comes from a place of peace and love, not selfishness or revenge
Your journey and WAW insights are truly a big help to me day to day.
H 34 W 27 M 9mth T 8 Separated 1/'12 ILYBNILWY OM 2/'12
So this morning I get a text from H. He sent it very early in the morning (like when he woke up) and I didn't see it for an hour.
H: I saw on FB you heard back about hospital tests if you don't think I'm prying would you tell me what they found out. if you don't want to discuss it just ignore this text
Me: haha why do you think I wouldn't discuss this with you? Actually they results they really need take longer to process. They called me with some other stuff (explained it more fully)
H:I just didn't want to force my nose in if you'd rather not tell me, that's all. (a bit of concern asked another question)
Me: respond to question, added in a bit more about what they found out.
NO RESPONSE it's been 20 mins since my last text
This really makes me angry for some reason that I'm trying to figure out. And I was really confused on how to respond. He basically says I want to find out how you're doing, I'm concerned but I know I have no right to be. Well that's BS in itself. If you say you're my friend then of course you have a right to be concerned. Even if we were both remarried I would think we'd still be concerned about the other's health.
So is his "uncomfortableness" more about his guilt in that he doesn't feel like he should have a right to be concerned because he has a GF? Are outside forces telling him he shouldn't be that concerned? I can't see his mom saying that or even his friends. But I could see a GF saying that because you'd be insecure that his concern was more than just friendly. Is it his own internal confusion....maybe he's feeling more emotion over this situation inside than he feels like someone in his position should so he's looking for validation from me IE: tell me that this is normal for me to be worried about you or tell me to F off.
I know all of this is mindreading but it upset me.
I never reassured him. I never said "of course I'd discuss with you if I found out anything" I didn't put in any emotion. I did say that something "hurt like hell" and that hopefully this treatment would work but I didn't confide in him emotionally like I did last week when I'd had days of no contact, seen her car on my road, then got some sympathy from him. I did say "wasn't ignoring earlier I was updating my phone and didn't see the text"
The no response upsets me too. I know he's at work. But I feel like he was worried about me, I gave him loads of info and he's like right that's good. But then do I expect the emotional support. He asked for facts, I gave him facts, and as a guy he sees that as the end of the conversation.
I was really conflicted in how to handle that. I don't want to play games or manipulate the conversation by being really distant. And I think in my sitch being a WAW trying to reconcile I think any distance hurts my cause.
I do feel like he was putting me in a weird place. He was wanting me to reassure him that I would of course tell him everything important in my life or he wanted me to make it easy and slam the door on him.
Actually the more I think about it this is a pattern of his. When he is unsure he puts himself in the victim position..."I don't have a right to know" "Just ignore this if you don't want to tell me" and I didn't RESCUE by reassuring. I took all the seriousness out of it starting the text with HAHA why would you think that and then didn't respond when he attempted to be dramatic.
So maybe I just did a big fat 180. And all those feelings he's got about feeling a tiny bit left out of my life...he's going to have to sort through all on his own.
H: I saw on FB you heard back about hospital tests if you don't think I'm prying would you tell me what they found out. if you don't want to discuss it just ignore this text
Me: haha why do you think I wouldn't discuss this with you? Actually they results they really need take longer to process. They called me with some other stuff (explained it more fully)
Do you think a part of you posted something vague on FB to test and see if you would get a message like that from him?
Originally Posted By: Brit45
H:I just didn't want to force my nose in if you'd rather not tell me, that's all. (a bit of concern asked another question)
Me: respond to question, added in a bit more about what they found out.
NO RESPONSE it's been 20 mins since my last text
20 minutes isn't that long!
Originally Posted By: Brit45
This really makes me angry for some reason that I'm trying to figure out. And I was really confused on how to respond. He basically says I want to find out how you're doing, I'm concerned but I know I have no right to be. Well that's BS in itself. If you say you're my friend then of course you have a right to be concerned. Even if we were both remarried I would think we'd still be concerned about the other's health.
So is his "uncomfortableness" more about his guilt in that he doesn't feel like he should have a right to be concerned because he has a GF?
Mindreading. It's possible that he feels that since the two of you are no longer a unit, you may not think he is on a need-to-know basis.
Originally Posted By: Brit45
Are outside forces telling him he shouldn't be that concerned? I can't see his mom saying that or even his friends. But I could see a GF saying that because you'd be insecure that his concern was more than just friendly.
Mindreading! Don't do this to yourself.
Originally Posted By: Brit45
Is it his own internal confusion....maybe he's feeling more emotion over this situation inside than he feels like someone in his position should so he's looking for validation from me IE: tell me that this is normal for me to be worried about you or tell me to F off.
I know all of this is mindreading but it upset me.
Yes, it's mindreading. Detach!
Originally Posted By: Brit45
I never reassured him. I never said "of course I'd discuss with you if I found out anything" I didn't put in any emotion. I did say that something "hurt like hell" and that hopefully this treatment would work but I didn't confide in him emotionally like I did last week when I'd had days of no contact, seen her car on my road, then got some sympathy from him. I did say "wasn't ignoring earlier I was updating my phone and didn't see the text"
Not sure why you felt the need to explain what you perceived to be a delay in responding.
Originally Posted By: Brit45
The no response upsets me too. I know he's at work. But I feel like he was worried about me, I gave him loads of info and he's like right that's good. But then do I expect the emotional support. He asked for facts, I gave him facts, and as a guy he sees that as the end of the conversation.
You are having expectations about him being emotionally supportive in your time of need. Maybe he needs more than 20 minutes to figure out how to properly respond. Maybe he did see it as the end of the conversation. Either way, your expectations seemed to have increased just based on the fact that he expressed some level of concern. Does that sound about right to you?
Originally Posted By: Brit45
I was really conflicted in how to handle that. I don't want to play games or manipulate the conversation by being really distant. And I think in my sitch being a WAW trying to reconcile I think any distance hurts my cause.
I know the tension well. It's an odd situtation. But detaching a little isn't playing games or manipulating, it helps you emotionally handle these check-ins of his.
Originally Posted By: Brit45
I do feel like he was putting me in a weird place. He was wanting me to reassure him that I would of course tell him everything important in my life or he wanted me to make it easy and slam the door on him.
Mindreading!
Originally Posted By: Brit45
Actually the more I think about it this is a pattern of his. When he is unsure he puts himself in the victim position..."I don't have a right to know" "Just ignore this if you don't want to tell me" and I didn't RESCUE by reassuring. I took all the seriousness out of it starting the text with HAHA why would you think that and then didn't respond when he attempted to be dramatic.
So maybe I just did a big fat 180. And all those feelings he's got about feeling a tiny bit left out of my life...he's going to have to sort through all on his own.
It's good to break that cycle. Good for you. And you're also going to have to sort out why you had feelings in this exchange, too
I think that it upset me because it came as a shock. It never crossed my mind that the status would be looked at another way (I was praising the health care system) And he was adopting this victim/martyr role.
Since I had kept him updated about everything else maybe he thought I didn't want to talk about this since I didn't approach him. And I'm just overthinking the whole thing.
There is nothing I hate MORE than people who put cryptic things on FB or post things looking for pity. So I will have to think more about how my updates could be interpreted while I am in a "dance of uncertainty" with him prior to posting anything.
Oh and it is worth noting that he NEVER was interested in facebook previously it's all quite strange.
I don't know why I felt the need to clarify to him that I wasn't ignoring him. I wavered on that and sent it anyway.
The expectations? I meant to write but why do I expect emotional support. He asked for facts I gave him facts and as a man he sees that at the end of the exchange. I was quite proud of myself for not being needy, pitiful etc even though I'm going through something quite serious. And yet, perhaps because I'm in love with him, I still wanted a bit of an emotional response.
