Get help from a Divorce Busting® Telephone Coach TODAY! We specialize in helping you get your marriage back on track, even when your spouse has one foot out the door. Don't be discouraged. We can help.
303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435
Bug you're right! I do feel like I learn by reading other's threads and other people's thoughts about what they are going through.
Grace - I wonder...does it mean we took them for granted previously?
I can remember when getting a TM from him meant nothing and it usually was "got milk." or "working late don't wait for me" or "my mother wants us to..." now I get excited whenever I get one usuallly with good reason last week he was sending me pictures and funny jokes.
Today I haven't actually thought about him or our sitch that much. I feel a lot more centered. I think I am detaching more.
I've decided when he comes over tomorrow I'm going to say I was just about to take the dog for a walk do you want to come? I feel like he comes over once a week and we just watch TV something he never wanted to do when we living together. Granted now we usually only watch our fave TV show....we wait and watch it together have done since he moved out. But I just think it would be good to get out of the house.
I don't want to invite him to do anything. That's not detaching. But at the same time I don't want it same ole same ole when he comes over.
I know that I've said that I haven't been thinking about my sitch as much today which is true. But while vacuuming I had a realization. I remembered the day he was moving, I made a random comment and he quite good naturedly said "and that's something I won't miss about you" and pointed out something that I always used to think he liked. I was hurt. And I said something like "well you won't have to hear anyone say that again. I'm sure GF doesn't talk like that" and he said "yep and..." and proceeded to point out something good about her. Now this was all done in high spirits and laughing. Inside I was screaming trying to hold it together.
Anyway I point to that because while I was in the throws of confusion because I had no idea how to handle my changing feelings, him moving out, him in a relationship. I now understand that nothing I could have said or done right then would have made a lick of difference. He was in that euphoria of being a WAS. When you slap those blinders on, convince yourself that now the world is your oyster...it never could possibly be before but now everything ever invented or dreamed of could be yours!!!
I know that it took me months before the newness of being "single" wore off. And I could look at him as a person rather than that thing in the past I wish would disappear. He once said I had treated him for months like a lazy grown up kid that I wished would just move out the parents basement. Looking back I only looked at him that way because he was acting that way! As soon as he completely detached and stop feeling sorry for himself and started taking care of himself and being independent I stopped and took notice. And I know it took losing him as a back up plan to make me consider my feelings.
Anyway, I'm not hold out hope for a quick fix or an imminent change of heart.
My fear was always that if I detached he wouldn't pursue because he's always been such a laid back guy. What I've come to learn here is that my fear isn't unique. We all worry that if we detach they will disappear or forget. A WAS will never stop and look if you're pursuing. I above all people should know that. So I'm glad I remembered that tiny exchange. I remember when I had my "this is why I'm better off without him list" and you know what he'll miss those things....just like I did.
When he moved out mid March I gave him space and then he texted and asked if he could come hang out "with us" Since then he's sort of come over for the evening about once a week sometimes because he needs to pick something up, or he's doing some handy man work, or whatever. I usually save "our" tv show to watch together.
Not so much this month. Mainly because he spent two weekends with SS while I was out of town. Then when I got back (before I found DB) I told him in a friendly way I was missing him and he said why don't I come over on Wed. On Saturday he asked if he could come over one night this week "if I had the time and wanted him to" So he isn't inviting himself over.
In fact the fact that he put it in those terms this time means to me that he's noticed the shift since mid April when I decided to only be his friend and not push the idea of a R. And then from the beg of May where I found DB and decided not to pursue even a friendship let him be the one who pursues.
Woke up feeling sad that maybe he won't come by after Saturday's phone call. He had liked a status of mine on FB last night. And also posted that he was really missing our hometown. Said that he knew he'd end up back there it's a bittersweet reality. I have really been missing home too. Yesterday I was even looking at buying some artwork that reminded me of home. I almost started crying. Then I saw that FB had posted his location and it was in her town. A) IPhone's often put you in places where you've been recently B) I'm not stupid enough to think that he doesn't spend nights at GF's. I commented on the status really about something someone had said. I wanted to say I feel the same way. I know I'll go home one day too but it seemed too personal.
My heart aches I feel like we should be together. Should be living in that town together like we always thought we would when we met.
There's a music artist from our town playing here this summer. I was going to get tickets but there's no one I want to take but him. I don't think I can invite him now. But as a friend there's no one else I'd want to go with H would get it no one else would. But I know logically I shouldn't. I'll just check age req and take S
So I put away the heartache and said this is who I am. This is the stuff I was talking about that he and I share and will always share.
He replied to my post on FB and I put something funny about returning home one day. He replied to that positively and I left it at that. Sandi's rules say be the one to hang up well it should also read let them be the last one to text, comment, tweet, what's app etc.
Inner Mean Girl knows that she'll see our interaction. He'll be here in a few hours I am expecting the worst. Better to exceed expectations right?
you are doing good. it is painful. i dont know if it gets better. i hope that it does. cant get much worse right? keep your head up. he is obviously feeling more comfortable with you. that can only be good.