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brit-

that makes alot of sense. it does hurt not talking to her. i need to do this to prove that i can control myself. i aam not going to let her hurt me anymore. it still rips me up thinking about what she is doing with OM. there is nothing i can do about it. she was going to meet him at a wedding 4 hrs away over last weekend. he left his W at home and brought his kids. and she was going to be a part of that. its sad. its so wrong.

i feel sad for her. i feel sad for his boys. i feel sad for his wife. mostly i feel sad for my kids. i dont really feel sad for me anymore. i am going to move on. if she wants a R from me, the ball is in her court.

i am consciously telling myself not to think about them. i am just trying to focus on me. i need to move on. stop being sucked in to her drama.

i do look my best whenever i see her. she has told me i am not attractive. that is okay. i know i am. the more my confidence comes out, the better i will look.


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

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Keep in mind, this is about you, your boundaries are to protect you, not change her.

I think it also helps when you begin to think about her, wonder what she's doing, etc tell yourself to stop thinking about her. Switch to your workouts, Highland games, guitar, anything. Just stop thinking about her.

It's not easy and it takes time but you can do it.

I have a great daily meditations book called The Language of Letting Go. It's like having another friend in my corner, cheering me on.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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bug-

so about boundries. i told my W if she continued to talk to OM i would tell his W what was going on, i havent yet. i want to. on the other hand i dont. also not sure if its a boundry or an ultimatum.

i feel really bad for his W. if i was her i would have liked to know. at the same time, i dont want to ruin her life. he is telling my W he is leaving his W for her. i think thats a load of crap. whatever.

second dilemma. if i tell, W could get mad and choose him. who knows. i am not sure if i want my W back. i am really hurt, and trying hard not to be resentful. i want to trust her again. i am not sure that i will get that chance, or even want it. i miss her, yes. will i forever? no. im kind of at a crossroads. when i told her i am done and want a D, i was okay with it. i dont like whats going on. she has continuously lied and not honored our separation agreement. i have been fired. im moving on i think.


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

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"i told my W if she continued to talk to OM i would tell his W what was going on, i havent yet. i want to. on the other hand i dont. also not sure if its a boundry or an ultimatum."

This is neither. It's a threat.

You can't solve the problem by threatening her. It's going to make her go to him more than ever just because you told her that she couldn't. You're not her father. That is controlling.

What you're supposed to do is to give her up to do what she is going to do. She's either going to burn through the OM relationship really quick, or learn that the grass isn't always greener. But when you 'forbid' her, etc. You're fanning the fantasy.

And let's face it. Your "separation agreement" was all based on your needs. She didn't contribute to any of it, so why should she respect it? Again, the fastest way to get her over the OM is to give her to him. Then start living your life like she doesn't matter.

You honestly have nothing to be mad at because you are causing the very thing that you don't want.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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bond-

thanks again. i do agree with you. i told her that months ago. i havent said anything to them. you are right about the agreement. it means nothing to her. it is seen as me being controling.

as far as im concerned, he can haave her. she doesnt want me, aad i need to get over that. i am not mad. i dont know if i will ever trust her again. we will see if the opportunity arises. until then, i am done. i will focus on me, and not worry about her.

i know my actions have pushed her towards him. thats why i am finally listening to you. i am dark. sorry im a slow learner, but i do catch on. thank you.


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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"as far as im concerned, he can haave her. she doesnt want me, aad i need to get over that. i am not mad."

Do you realize how you managed to contradict yourself in the same paragraph?

It's okay to be mad, p@ssed off, etc. Let that all out. Then do the work.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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bond-

i know. it seems like that. i am not mad. sometimes i guess. usually i am numb. hurt. sad. not really all that mad. there are times where i am, but they are farther apart now. i cant change her. i get that now. too late? maybe. i like to think i still have a chance.

she might miss me when i dont pursue her. i knoww i missed her when she walked away. i am not changing for her. i am changing for myself. she would only be a benefit. i need to deal with my hurt. i am figuring that out. slowly.

any tips on how to move past her actions? how to deal with the hurt?


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
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Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

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How to deal with it?

'Know' that you're going to be hurt.

Know that she is going to say and do things that anger you and upset you.

Quote:

m:30 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:9
D:5

Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12


Know that you're going to strive to be like Rocky Balboa. You don't have to hit the hardest, you just have to be standing at the end to have the best chance of success.

Stand? You don't kneel, when you can stand, you don't lie down when you can kneel, and you don't tap out if you can lie down and gather your strength.


A really good tip?

The spouse and the OP? they don't spend near as much time, if any...making fun or talking about the LBS. They also don't spend near the ammount of time together that most of us think they do.

If you push her about the OM? You're just pushing her toward him.
And that's...just stupid.



Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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jack-

thanks. i needed that. my kids are reason enough to be like rocky. i wont give up, no matter how much i get "punched". i thought about that kind of on my run tonight. i was running into a 30 mph wind and i wanted to quit. i was wearing out and only half way. i came to far to turn back. i didnt want to give up. i kept going and only took about 30 secs longer than normal. i told myself to think about my wife that way. i hurt during and after my run, but i am glad i didnt give up.


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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Good thoughts on your run. As I said before, you are a very insightful guy when you don't let the fear control you.

she continued to talk to OM i would tell his W what was going on, i havent yet. i want to. on the other hand i dont.

You didn't share this before.

About the OM wife...why tell her?

What do you think the response will be?

Do you want your W back because you've engineered OM out of her life or do you want her back because she sees you as the best option?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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