yes i did listen to the song. it is very good. how do i know when i am ready? i feel ready and willing. i have been for a long time. i aam back to wanting to confront OM.
this is what i want to say: " i dont know what your intentions with my W are. i dont really care. i know what mine are. i am never going to stop fighting for my W. i will always be in her life, and i will always be fighting for her. if you are up to the competition, great. just know i have a headstart. i am still married to her." and then walk away.
i havent done it. i am just thinking about it. i know no other way of showing her i havent given up. maybe i could say that to my W. idk. i dont want to be pursuing, but she likes pursuit. any thoughts would be much appreciated.
thanks for your compassion. i do know i need to stop worrying about her. it is hard on me. knowing and doing are to different things.
i am concentrating on myself. i cant get her out of my head. she is always there. in the back some days, in the front others. i know the is co dependence between us. i have known that for awhile.
i read the infidelity chapter in DR again last night. i think i am at the ATLRT spot. i dont want to end myy marriage but i cant do this anymore. i think i am ready to say, either you two are done or we are. i try very hard not to be selfish. i cannot share my W with another man. it isnt in me.
this is the hardest thing i have ever done. i am not scared of it. i love her with all my heart. if given the chance, i would never do the things i have done ever again. she will be a priority in my life. seeing her smile, and be happy. ugghh. another tough day ahead.
I've given you my thoughts on it. LIO gave you her thoughts on it, TG has given you his.
Why do you want to confront him? She's cheating on you. Do you think she'd not doing this of her own freewill? I m not saying you confront her because I think you've already done that. She knows you're there.
Quote:
i dont want to end myy marriage but i cant do this anymore. i think i am ready to say, either you two are done or we are
How will this change how you're feeling? That piece of paper that says you are D is going to take the pain away?
I'm not advocating for either, just be honest with yourself about why you're doing it.
Life hurts sometimes, a LOT! And we run around looking for ways to make it stop hurting. I wrote this on my thread weeks ago about how I've dealt with hurt and pain: I'm trying to detach from my "drugs of choice" anger, victimhood, righteous indignation, outrage and see what it's like to accept each person in my life just as they are, just as god made them. Those "drugs" kept me hopped up for so long, I loved that high of being right and in control, using my mind to cut someone down to size. But when the high was gone, I was left with me...just another scared, unhappy junkie looking for another hit.
Things hurt until they don't hurt anymore.
You walk through it.
And with every step you gain strength for the next time.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
im sorry im so dense. i know what i want. i keep going back and forth and it is doin me no good. i need to quit. my W is scared of this too. i am not mind reading. i can tell by some of her reactions. most of the time she acts tough. there are times where she does let it show. i dont think she knows for sure what she wants. right now it isnt me. i have accepted that. it hasnt made the hurt go away.
maybe its closurei am looking for. i dont know. i dont want it to end. i dont want it like this either. i need to have more faith. i really dont believe it has gotten physical between them. yet. it might. it might not. i dont think that would change my desire to be with her. i want my wife. i always have. i always will. even if we D, i will still want her. i guess i am a penguin.
i want to lash out. i said it and TG said. i am like a wounded animal. i have serious codependency issues. i have detached to a certain degree. i am not calling her. i am not worrying about what she is doing all the time. after my meeting i txt her.. "you were right" she said "about" i said " alot of stuff". no response and i left it at that. not very good at being dark. alot of stuff came up, and i just wanted to let her know i see it. if she wants to know what i see, she can ask. or i can show her. thats what i am tryin to do.
this whole jail thing is messin me up. i was supposed to go on thursday. they are to full and i have to call on wednesday. it threw my whole plan off. now i am spinning in the wind again. i need a course of action. when my plans fall apart, so do i.
I think it's acceptance. You haven't accepted the sitch that is happening right now you're trying to influence it. That's why you text her, want her to know your changes, want to confront OM, want to talk to OM's W...all of that is no accepting. Accepting it. she is in a R with someone else this is something you can't change.
I accepted that right now H isn't mine. He's decided to be with someone else. My opinions on this DON'T change it so why dwell it. (you know the whole wisdom to see the difference?) I accept that we weren't the best partners to each other that I had issues and faults this is something I can change. I have accepted the possibility that may never want to change. He may never leave her. He may leave her and still not change. He may leave her and still not want to be with me! I have accepted that this is the sitch right now. My reactions are hurting me and I had to identify why I kept wanting to stay in those feelings rather than do the work to feel better. My reasons may be different to your reasons. But one of my reasons is I thought if I let go and not try to control/influence the sitch then it wouldn't go my way. That's not true. In fact there's a better chance of it not going my way if I don't accept and detach.
I think you can do this. A lot of us do that's why we post!
I am sorry you are in so much pain. When I first got on this board, I could not understand how in the world these nice people got to acceptance and detachment. I thought they were different from me, healthier, more together and that I would never ever get there.
But slowly and surely, despite my fears, I am detaching more and more. It is possible. For you, too. IMO, you have taken big steps so far.
You said that you are codependent. I just read Pia Mellody's book on Love Addiction and started to understand the way out.
I also decided that I am in this place in my life to learn and grow and that I was going to use it. I am sure that it will be one of the defining moments in my life. My guess is that it will be the same for you.
((( )))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
brit- thank you. your words help me to think and look at things different. i guess i havent accepted all of whats happening. i am like you. i want to influence things to go my way. letting go is so hard. i can do it. what do i have to lose. i have already lost it all. if im not careful i will lose what little bit of myself i still have left.
Jack- lol. you crack me up. i like your way of looking at things. and no i dont think anyone is suggesting i share. that is my own mind messing with me. i will get up. i have to.
needgrace- this is a dfining moment. like they say, i can do something to define the moment or let the moment define me. so many times in my life, i have been defined. not this time. thank you for the hug. i needed it. i havent gotten one in a very long time. it made me tear up. and that isnt like me. well, didnt use to be like me.
When you say what else do I have to lose I've already lost her! That's right! It's done! You're holding on for no reason but to hurt yourself. Accept she's gone. Accept that! And yes nurture yourself!
HB..."Misery is Optional", remember? Choose happiness...it's SO much nicer.
Me:44, W: 39 D:16, D:14, D:11(special needs) M:17, T:21+ Bomb:3/18/12 W contacted mediator for D:3/27/12 Separate since bomb Mediation, signed agreement 5/17/12 No talk of D since mediation
