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#2247006 - 05/21/12 12:01 AM Re: "Misery is Optional" [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 7830
Loc: Sonoran Desert
My only advice is you've drawn a hard line in the sand now, there can be no waffling.

Dark means dark.
_________________________
Me 56/H 57
M 35 S 24 S 21
Bomb 3/11 He moved out 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 He's home now

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate but, it is fear. Gandhi


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#2247043 - 05/21/12 07:24 AM Re: "Misery is Optional" [Re: labug]
Truegritter Offline
Member

Registered: 02/27/10
Posts: 2686
^^^^^^^

Yup.

Originally Posted By: Dakota
i expected it. now i know.


Ok it is natural to want to know. We say don't snoop and all but only becuase it hurts.

And because there is nothing you can do about it. That is my opinion others may disagree.

Who knows why she is choosing this right now she might not even know but one thng is for sure she has justified it in her mind and you are likely most of the reason.

I am not saying that is true, only you know what you did and how you acted in your M. Only you can hear her complaints and determine which are valid.

Only you can choose to change those things.

Attempts by you right now to assert what YOU want will be met with anger.

Going dark?

Tell me why you are choosing to do this? How will you do it?
_________________________
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am

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#2247047 - 05/21/12 08:48 AM Re: "Misery is Optional" [Re: Truegritter]
heartbrokeinsd Offline
Member

Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 710
Loc: South Dakota
tg-

you are right. there is nothing i can do. and yes, i am sure she hs justified it, because of me. i know i wasnt emotionally there for her. i didnt make her feel good about herself on a daily basis. i am going to change those things. i just cant show her.

i am going dark because of my boundries. i am not going to be in a R with someone who is messing aroud with OM.

i will not contact her, except about when i am comimg to pick up my kids. she has made it clear she does not want to be married to me. that is fine. whe i am not in her life to blame, she might have to look at herself. maybe not. either way i can not continue this.
_________________________
m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12


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#2247056 - 05/21/12 09:24 AM Re: "Misery is Optional" [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
Hi Dakota!
As a WAW who dated really soon after I walked let me slightly say she might not be justifying it because of things you did. She might but she might not. So don't think about what you did that could have caused it because that's not helpful to anyone. Some people, male or female, like/want/need attention from the opposite sex. Whether it's low self esteem or distraction, you'll seek it out even if you're not emotionally ready for it.

She's getting a high from all the dirty texts. It's numbing the pain and distracting her from the real issue which is that her marriage is over. Otherwise she wouldn't have had that reaction when you said you wanted a D.

Think about how you can be a better partner in general. Think about all the good qualities you have to offer someone. Think about how you want to improve those and change others. Don't beat yourself up. and yes, go dark, Let her sit and think.

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#2247225 - 05/21/12 05:25 PM Re: "Misery is Optional" [Re: Brit45]
heartbrokeinsd Offline
Member

Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 710
Loc: South Dakota
brit-

thanks. its been a rough day. i have been up and down..thinking about waffling. then not. it really hurts to know those things. i am glad in a way i found out. now i know, and can attempt to deal with it.

i know she is getting high from the attention. she said its "a stupid game she is playing" and "do i know how good it feels for someone to want her?" then she says "i dont know what this is, but im just going with it." whatever. there is a right and wrong. doing this with a married man while she is still married is wrong. maybe she will see it, maybe not.

i want to be a better partner. i do. i am working very hard on it. i am still grieving the loss of my W. its getting a little better. a couple of days in between cries. i know i have good qualities. i know i have bad ones too. i am working very hard o the bad qualities, and still workin on the good.

do you really think i made a good call going dark. it feels wrong, but that must be because it is the hard thing to do. what i have been doing isnt working.

the thing that worries me is trust. i dont know if i will ever be able to trust her again. look at her the same way. i feel sick right now just talking about her.

i am going to be happy. i need to get back in rockstar mode.
_________________________
m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12


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#2247230 - 05/21/12 05:55 PM Re: "Misery is Optional" [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
Jack_Three_Beans Offline
Moderator

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 11331
Quote:

the thing that worries me is trust. i dont know if i will ever be able to trust her again. look at her the same way. i feel sick right now just talking about her.


You will, because you will want too. You will again but it takes work on both your part and her part for it to be real.

One of the real tests, is her understanding that you don't trust her, and her allowing you to check up on her. IF that happens? That is a great sign.

And...NO nothing like tha will happen soon for you.

Quote:

do you really think i made a good call going dark


You either want affirmation. : ) Good JOB! There you go.

OR you're hoping someone says "No' so you can justify reaching out to her.

Pretty sure no one is going to tell you that.

sooo Good job. : )
_________________________

Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet


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#2247256 - 05/21/12 09:07 PM Re: "Misery is Optional" [Re: Jack_Three_Beans]
heartbrokeinsd Offline
Member

Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 710
Loc: South Dakota
jack-

lol..yeah thanks for the good job. we will see where it goes. went to my meeting with my sponsor. put me in a good mood. W txt me about 4 times asking for stuff for the kids. didnt answer. just dropped it off and left. now im going to go for a run and work out.
_________________________
m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12


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#2247272 - 05/21/12 09:46 PM Re: "Misery is Optional" [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
labug Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 7830
Loc: Sonoran Desert
Keep yourself busy, you're doing great.
_________________________
Me 56/H 57
M 35 S 24 S 21
Bomb 3/11 He moved out 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 He's home now

The enemy is fear. We think it is hate but, it is fear. Gandhi


Top
#2247292 - 05/21/12 11:01 PM Re: "Misery is Optional" [Re: labug]
heartbrokeinsd Offline
Member

Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 710
Loc: South Dakota
bug-
thanks. i actually feel great. my D just called. or my W called for her cuz she is 5. D is crying for me. W is mad sayin "doesnt she have a bedtime at your house?" i said she would already be sleeping at my house. its because i put the effort into relaxing herthe way she needs. i didnt say that last part. then D said "i dont want mommy i want you daddy." W got mad and said goodbye. whatever.

it hurts to know my D is sad. i will be there for her in a month. i will be ok. she will too. makes me feel good to know my sweetpea misses me and its only been 2 nites.

i am feeling good. better than most nights. workout was good. meeting was good. got my rockstar shades on.
_________________________
m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12


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#2247331 - 05/22/12 06:31 AM Re: "Misery is Optional" [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
Originally Posted By: heartbrokeinsd

do you really think i made a good call going dark. it feels wrong, but that must be because it is the hard thing to do. what i have been doing isnt working.


It will feel wrong and horrible and against everything you want to do. But think about it like a work out. The first time you ever work out it hurts and you know it's easier to stop but you push yourself and then your muscles are sore and then it's easier and you can go for longer or do more and then you see results and that pushes you on.

It's exactly like that.

Two things will happen:
you will stop thinking/obsessing about her so much. It just happens. Because you aren't pursuing there's to think about. Because you aren't having communication there's less to think about it.
You will start feeling in control of the situation. Just a tiny bit because you're now in control of your communication. You're not giving into every whim to text or call her. And when she contacts you, you're not falling into old patterns and letting her see you hurt.

This will do wonders for you! I'm loving the rockstar shades. Don't forget look great and smell good anytime she sees you. I have never put so much work into looking "casually hot" as I have lately.

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