hey 1702, you posted on my thread ages ago and said you'd like to talk to me...just jumping in to sort of "defend" Bond. A few nights ago I was practically having a breakdown...my phone could have easily drowned in my tears. My point is during the hurt and pain I was in I read Bond's comments as attacking me. He's honestly not. I reread them the next day and wasn't the least bit hurt.
Everything he's saying is true. I typed up a massive thing on Crazyville's thread about being a WAW and how I felt when I going thru my decision to leave. it's on page 11 of her thread something about a one way street.
Right now you are doing a lot of mind reading, you're trying to make sense of why she feels the way she feels and what made her change her mind, especially after two weddings at her insistence etc....please stop doing that. For your own sanity. You will never figure it out because I doubt she even knows or could explain it. and it hurts her to think about it too! it will drive you crazy. This why they say "believe none of what they say and half of what they say" Did you read my thread where my H told me he's moving in with GF but I'm prettier and more fun? Yeah, it's all conflicting because they're confused!
Here's what you can do read as many books recommended here you can find: How to Improve Your Relationship without talking about it, the Five Languages of Love, Divorce Remedy, Codependent No More, The Mastery of Love. Detach and give her space. For you own sanity and emotional stability and happiness don't pursue, don't chase, try to accept what is happening right now, and work on improving yourself so that you can be a better you no matter the outcome.
Brit, Thanks for responding. I have been going through this for several months and nothing seems to be working on making me feel better. That comment from Bond almost made me pick up the phone to get some sort of confirmation. I didn't, but now, it is running through my head. I know she is confused and there is alot of guilt going through her. It has been evident with her wanting me to move all my stuff out because she "hurts every morning she had to wake up and see it" and that my requests to see or spend time with SD go unanswered.
After talking to L yesterday, I could try to get visitation, but that would force me to file, and the last thing I want is a D. and if I wait for a couple months, legally, I have no footing to ask for time with my daughter. It could only come if W says so.
I have read half those books. i might have to order the others.
I guess I have accepted that this is happening, but I cannot get past the hurt and anger that someone could do this to another human being when she knew how important marriage and family were to me. I guess I should explain.... Marriage to me is a very sacred thing. She and I both talked in the beginning that if two people fall in love and marry, that nothing could break that apart. That nothing can come between that. I know she feels guilty because she has always know that I want children.. and she felt that she couldn't give that to me before it was too late and we were too old. The point that I wish I could get across to here is that I have a child and if we didn't have more kids, I would be fine with that because I already have a family.
The anger comes from within me. I know that. I feel that she is stealing something from me. The piece of my heart that I gave to her when we committed to each other. At some point, there may be another in my life, but how fair would it be to that person to be in a R with someone that will always love someone else. I don't think that is right. I know it is my decision and my belief, but I feel like if she would have been honest with me, not only the first time, but even the second, we could have dealt with it then.
All I can say is I know. We feel/felt that way too. We have all had our dreams and hopes for the future crushed. We all felt betrayed, tricked, lied to, disappointed, everything you're feeling.
I had to decide that I wallowing in those feelings weren't going to help me heal. Accept that you may never get answers. Accept that you were partly to blame....it can never be one sided. Decide how you want to grow from this situation. Do you want this to make you a stronger person who understands how to be a partner or will you let this turn you into a bitter angry person who hates women?
Brit, I know that in the future I'll move on with my life, and be happy again... But one thing is definite. And it isn't about hating women. the trust issue is gone and won't ever be able to return.
you are right, it does take two. but when I cannot figure out what I did and am being blamed for the entire breakdown of our M, how can one move forward. when I am getting blamed for trying to "fix" the things that she said were wrong in the first place. When someone says we don't have fun and do anything together, then rejects any offer to do anything, could make anyone very confused.
I am bitter, extremely bitter. And I don't think it will ever completely go away.
I know I may not have been the picture perfect H, but I am the same person she fell in love with, and then some. If there was OM or she just didn't love me anymore because of her, it would be easier to take than for her to blame me for the breakdown just so she won't have the guilt of her being the reason. the reason she crushed my dreams of marriage and family, her being the reason I am broken, and her being the reason I won't have the R with SD that is so special.
1702, you stated your objection so gently - you must be a very controlled, thoughtful, and reasonable person. I admire that. A lot of people come on here with reactivity being one of the problems in their marriage, and demonstrating it here and missing out on potential help.
What was likely meant is not to put you farther down but to help you clarify your situation. A lot of people come here believing their spouse went inexplicably crazy, and there turns out to be another person they're having an emotional or physical affair with. Does it help you to know it before you're ready to face it? no. Does it help you to imagine it if it's not necessarily correct? Maybe.
A lot of times it takes a long while for newcomers to realize exactly where they are and exactly what they can do about it, and it takes some painful comments and questions to get them there. What you need to learn is that you cannot control your W's actions, thoughts, or opinions. You absolutely can expect some things that happen to all of us - talking from the 'script', WAS making us out to be the bad guy, acting like nothing in our relationship was ever good - it's very helpful to realize you're part of a large community that's been there and done that.
What you need to learn is that you only control you and your best chance - no matter the outcome with your W - is to dig deep into yourself and become happier, more full of life, more interested and interesting, more completely OK with yourself. The hardest and most uncomfortable questions here are the ones most likely to help you do that.
Finally, the other posters here are human and have opinions right and wrong, and they have cranky days, and they sometimes see nails simply because they are hammers. Take what helps you and work on not being offended by the comments that 'smart.'
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
adinva, Thank you for this. I know i am here for a reason, maybe i'm just looking for the wrong reasons.
funny thing is that my W feels totally opposite about being a very controlled, thoughtful, and reasonable person. I know for a fact that she and I are both very stubborn people, but when it comes down to it, I have been beaten down for some time about the reasons for problems in our M.
i know I cannot do anything about W's actions. But sometimes I feel that the DB principles wouldn't exactly help my specific situation. As I have said in the past, NC or going dark will only make her see "out of sight, out of mind" She doesn't want to feel the guilt of what she has done.
As of 945 this evening, I will not have had any contact in 24 hrs. The last was a text, and even though some may not think it was the right thing to do, I needed to make her know "what she is doing" saying that "what the heck are you doing? what you have, and what your are willing to lose by not trying." I know it isn't DBing, but it is a 180 for me from what W thinks. She feels that I have been a weak, sniviling man the last couple months. that I should just be able to move on, that it was "only 2 years out of our lives" and we will get over it.
Marriage was a commitment for life for me and when she betrayed me, I've lost total everything in my life.
As of now, it is a little over 24 hrs since I have had any contact with W. In the last few months, we haven't gone more that a day w/o communicating. Very difficult. Even though all this time has passed, I still miss each and everything about the R.
Last communication was a text which I basically called her out for what she is doing with running away, what she has to lose. I know it isn't what is recommended, but alot of the things that are recommended do nothing.
What i truly feel would work the best and get the most results would be to either file for D myself or tell her to get papers ready and I'll sign. She knows without a doubt, that I refuse to sign papers and she knows that this is going to be a long process to get D.
More than anything, I want my wife to be happy. As hard as it is to say, even if it is without me. I feel torn between why I am feeling the way I do about everything. I am fighting for my marriage because I don't want to look back and think I didn't do everything I could to save it, but on the other hand, am I saying I am not going to sign papers out of spite????
And there is the thought that some of W's decisions are coming from the mental issues I feel she has...
1702- I don't know if u read the response I posted to your comment on my sitch but u should. I stand by u needing to slow down, take a deep breath, and think, don't rush into any decisions right now. That probably wouldn't go well. Also, give her space, because trying to interact isn't working. Trust me I know it's hard, but it must be done.
I'm sorry. I read your response when I was real busy earlier and I never got back. I will definitely not rush into any decisions. Bottom line, I don't believe in divorce and it will come down to the 2 years for this to be over if that is what she decides.
I keep going back and forth between anger, betrayal, devestation, and flat out disbelief that all this is happening.
Sometimes it seems that she is perfectly fine with this taking so long because she know I'll be here if she decides in the future this is what she wants. And she fully knows I would take her back with out blinking an eye.
No need to apologize. I'm glad to hear you aren't going to rush any decisions. I don't want a divorce either, I understand they happen, and in some cases need to, but I took my vows very seriously as they should be. I too feel that my spouse will be waiting the 2 years if they decide to pursue that option.
1702 you are going to have many many moods and feelings and sometimes all at once..... it's not fun.... especially the crying, screaming mess on the floor days.... but each time you will be a little bit stronger..... until eventually the anxiety leaves and is replaced with some indifference and hope that one day soon they will extract their heads from their asses. lol
I don't remember if you said or not, but are you going to counseling? If not, you should. I really like the counselor I found. He's wonderful at putting things in perspective, yet understands that I don't want a divorce, yet keeps me in check about it still could happen even though I do everything I can to fix the marriage. Which I know, but at least I'm not going down without doing everything I am able to do to help salvage this marriage.
Keep your hope, take time for you (it is very important, and something I didn't quite understand at first), give her space and vent here..... like I said before there are some really good, knowledgeable people here, and everyone means well.
