Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 21 of 22 1 2 19 20 21 22
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 133
1
1702 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
1
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 133
LITB,
I have just recently read your recent posts and I want to truly say how blessed you are to reconcile your family. I am sure there is no one else in the world that is happier.

On my side, I know there is great advice on here and people are only looking to help. But no one knows my W like I do. I am scared to death that the more I detatch, the more I am at risk of her being gone from my life. This is exactly what she wants. She wants me to move on with my life... for whatever her reasoning is, she wants to seperate our lives so that time will take away the fact that we were ever together. I know what has gone on hasn't worked, but I am still in her life. She would welcome all those attractive qualities, but she does not care that I have those cause she says she is moving on with her life w/o me in hers.

My problem is I CANNOT get over the why! Why would she wait for 2 1/2 years for this to come out if she felt this way in the beginning? Why would she change her mind about wanting more children, rather than tell me up front about any reservations? I cant get over any of this. I know I am sounding like the victim, but when we both met, we said that it was fate because this was our one and only chance at this. Now I am left with no W, no family, no children, a SD that I might only get to see very sparingly, no home, and all that comes with all of these things.

I do see that in most cases, detaching makes the WA start to think... But in my W's case, it will only solidify her stance with our sitch. One of our biggest problems was we were both stubborn. As you can see from my posts, I am stubborn. Very stubborn. But she is twice that of me! It would end up that I just gave in because I didn't want to fight anymore. She is very independent and would rather do things on her own rather than count on anyone but her own family. Have you ever heard of the person that would rather look good and lose than look bad and win? As soon as I completely detach, she is going to move on and put "us" out of her mind like it never happened. I do not see a chance that she would even consider coming back because, in her mind, it is her being weak. This is her way and there is nothing that can be done to sway her decision. She resents the fact that legally, we are married now.

Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 2,320
Likes: 10
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 2,320
Likes: 10
Sigh .........


Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 2,320
Likes: 10
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 2,320
Likes: 10
1702,

What are your favorite six numbers between 1 and 48? And out of those six which one is REALLY your favorite?


Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,687
Likes: 236
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,687
Likes: 236
Originally Posted By: Drew
Sigh .........



...........sigh..........



Go ahead and say "but", one more time......

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 678
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 678
IN YOUR OWN WORDS:

"On my side, I know there is great advice on here and people are only looking to help. But no one knows my W like I do."

"My problem is I CANNOT get over the why! Why would she wait for 2 1/2 years for this to come out if she felt this way in the beginning?"

OBVIOUSLY, YOU ONLY THINK YOU KNOW HER.

"I know what has gone on hasn't worked,..."

"One of our biggest problems was we were both stubborn. As you can see from my posts, I am stubborn. Very stubborn..."

LUKE, LET GO, USE THE FORCE.

The point is we (none of us) KNOW the person our WAS's have become. They have been abducted by aliens, had their memories corrupted and replaced, metaphorically speaking.

The DB techniques are counter intuitive, designed to break the cycle, to seperate reality from fantasy for many a WAS, A kind of here's what you want, so here's what it's going to look like, in a mature, gentle way. The DB techniques also encourage personal changee to offer a new reality, better, stronger, healthier a kind of, here's how it could be. Takes time, but you have to start somewhere.

First, you have to stabilize yourself before you can have enough patience and independence to figure out how to proceed. That means detach.

You just sound so fixated on your assessment of your situation, and that's going make things more difficult for you. That's why the "sighs".

Let me repeat: you might think you know her, but you don't, not the present version anyway.

Pic.


Me 53 XW 50
M 18 Years +2
S14 D19
Bomb 10-24-10
Served 1-27-11
Mediate 4-21-11
Civil D Final 6-2-11
No church anullment
"A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
Here's the 2x4.

"But no one knows my W like I do."

Really? So you knew she was going to D you?

"My problem is I CANNOT get over the why!"

Wait, I thought you said no one knows her like you do.

"But in my W's case, it will only solidify her stance with our sitch."

Really? You don't know because you haven't really tried the other way. You're just afraid to.

"One of our biggest problems was we were both stubborn."

What do you mean "were"? You do know that if it was a turn-off for her before, it is definitely 200% moreso now.

You know there's a reason why MWD says in her book that DBing isn't going to seem natural. Because it goes against instinct, BUT it works.

I think everyone here can predict what your W is going to feel and do better than you because you refuse to budge and look at things objectively. The ones that succeed are the ones that let go.

Heck your W is the twin sister of our spouses. She said the same things, same legal threats, etc.

I guess my question is, why do you post here? Do you come for answers? It seems like you're just looking for people to agree with your POV. Everyone is telling you what you don't want to hear. Even the ones who's marriages have been saved. But you think you're the exception. Let me tell you something. NO ONE is the exception.

And you complain because you've been "suffering" for 3 months. It took 2 years before my W even talked to me and we have 2 natural kids together.

The day you STOP saying how different your sitch is, is the day that your M will actually get better.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
Ha! In a Pickle beat me by a few minutes! Isn't it ironic how the advice is almost exactly the same as mine?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 2,320
Likes: 10
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 2,320
Likes: 10
And mine.

He knows his wife ...

He doesn't know his wife ...

Which is it?


Everybody hurts. It's part of life. Don't miss the good stuff.
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
Z
zig Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,855
hi 1702

i just read the last couple of pages of your thread. i wanted to pop in and say a few things. i hope very much they can help you, and i wish that some one (i didn't find this board until month 7) had been able to point them out to me at the 3 month point.

you're really lucky you found this board so early. and i know exactly where you are right now - i kicked and screamed and really genuinely BELIEVED every word my WAS said to me in the first months. and i was just on a WHY, WHY , WHY roller coaster of my own flapping in deep panic.

here's the deal - if i had known during those 3 months what i know now, i would have been a lot less hurt by all the things my h was saying.

DON'T BELIEVE ANYTHING THEY SAY AND HALF OF WHAT THEY DO

this is really true.

i know that it's impossible for you to see it right now, because the hurt is so overwhelming - this person that you trusted completely has just upended your life and you are floundering in this "picture" they have created of you, that you had no idea even existed.

you just need to take one little baby step for yourself right now - breathe, allow yourself to calm down and take a step back. stop the thoughts that you've had until now about YOUR perception of what your wife will do if you let go and detach a bit.

instead start to see that when people are hurting (as your wife is) they lash out and the one that they lash out to is the person they love the most.

stop listening to and HOLDING onto what your wife has said.

when i finally got to this board and began to understand what was really going on with our WAS's , my first thought was - oh my god, i took every last thing he said so personally as if it was really true and did myself so much damage by getting so hurt and affected by it - it trashed my self esteem, brought up HUGE issues of abandonment that took me months to work through - which was good, as i needed to work through them and make myself better.

start there, and then reread the posts that have been written to you - if you genuinely want to get back with your wife - think about this : if you can't start to let go of the hurt now, how are you going to let go of it later?

you're allowing the hurt to stand as a wall between you and what you really have to do - which is get focused on what you really want and find out how to get there.

as you travel on this long journey, be prepared to find out things that you never imagined - about yourself, about your wife and about your relationship as it really was.

letting go is a long and hard and very painful journey and doesn't just happen, but it is the only way to be able to have even a fighting chance at what you want - which is your family back together,

for months i told myself that my h is so stubborn: once he makes up his mind he'll never change it and it scared the heck out of me. now i'm at the point that it doesn't scare me any more - and that's where you will eventually get in your journey, if you choose to take it.

the fear you're feeling right now, is palpable - your wife can pick it up a mile away. that's what allows her to stay in the position she's in and hold onto it.

it's counter intuitive, what works here. when you lose the fear - and you're willing to lose the relationship, that's when things will change, because she will sense that from a mile away too. and only then will she be able to clearly see what she is losing. until she can really feel that what she's doing will risk losing you, she will keep her position.

But be careful, if you interpret that as you telling her you're done now, she'll take you up on it without missing a heartbeat. you can't use this as a manipulative tactic - it is only when you genuinely get there through working on yourself and finding out what your role was in the relationship to bring it to this point. and also, everytime you think you've figured it out, more stuff will come up and surprise you

but realize - this will take you a long while to do - meanwhile ACT AS IF that's how you feel to get it started and eventually, over many months you will feel that in a genuine way.

the 37 rules are here for us for a very good reason - they are a good guide to getting started and staying the course.

before you decide, take a few days to really look at your wife and situation and whether you want to take this long road for the both of you. it takes a lot of courage because there will be NO positive feedback from your spouse for waaaay longer than you can ever imagine. when it's said we need patience, it is an understatement of gigantic proportions. you will find along the way that each time you thought you knew what patience was, you need to learn it in a new way again.

so i hope you decide to take the long hard journey - because you will become a new person through it - and a really beautiful one and you will love yourself SO MUCH MORE than you can ever imagine right now.

right now, you are consumed more by the fact that your wife doesn't love you than you are about how much you may not love yourself. in time, you will find out that the latter is much more important and could possibly bring your wife and you back together one day.

so ((( ))) and i hope you listen to the vets on your thread - you are lucky that they are helping you out so much

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,687
Likes: 236
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 4,687
Likes: 236

Pickle, .007, and Drew posted much of this before me. And although it is much the same, at some point, it will be said so that it is heard....




Originally Posted By: 1702
On my side, I know there is great advice on here and people are only looking to help. But no one knows my W like I do.


Very true...

BUT....

Did you KNOW that she was capable of walking away ?


Originally Posted By: 1702
I know what has gone on hasn't worked, but I am still in her life. She would welcome all those attractive qualities, but she does not care that I have those cause she says she is moving on with her life w/o me in hers.



Insanity is doing the same things over and over again, while expecting different results.

You know it isn't working, yet you admit you do those things still...

The "but" is your excuse to not do better. Every time I see the word "but" used, it becomes a disclaimer to everything preceding it.

I want to stop smoking, BUT they still make cigarettes...

So whose fault does that become ?

The "but" , becomes an excuse for poor behavior...




Originally Posted By: 1702
I know I am sounding like the victim, but when we both met, we said that it was fate because this was our one and only chance at this.



Who said that it was the ONLY chance at this ???

As far as being the victim...

Not only are you sounding like one, you are playing that role very well.... (The "buts" are tell-tale)

You know this, yet you still ALLOW yourself to show that side of you...

I would ask "why" do you allow yourself to do that ?




Originally Posted By: 1702
I do see that in most cases, detaching makes the WA start to think... But in my W's case, it will only solidify her stance with our sitch.



You know this to be fact ?

Or your assumption ????


Originally Posted By: 1702
One of our biggest problems was we were both stubborn. As you can see from my posts, I am stubborn. Very stubborn. But she is twice that of me!



Monkey see, monkey do ???

Change the "you", in that equation



Originally Posted By: 1702
It would end up that I just gave in because I didn't want to fight anymore. She is very independent and would rather do things on her own rather than count on anyone but her own family. Have you ever heard of the person that would rather look good and lose than look bad and win? As soon as I completely detach, she is going to move on and put "us" out of her mind like it never happened. I do not see a chance that she would even consider coming back because, in her mind, it is her being weak. This is her way and there is nothing that can be done to sway her decision. She resents the fact that legally, we are married now.



You are trying to read her mind.....STOP

Is this about "winning" to you ?

Look man, I'm not all about busting your chops here...

You have been ignoring some pretty good stuff that has been posted to you.

At what point will you slow down, breathe, and listen to the wisdom that has been given to you ?


Right now, her choice is to leave the marriage...

What things led her to that decision ?

Those are her things.

Can you change her mind ?

My question would be....Would you rather have her back because you did something to manipulate her back ????

Or would you rather stop, look, and listen. Change your thought process, and make better choices, so that you can enhance your next relationship? Which BTW, it is entirely possible that it can be with your current wife.

Your post count is getting pretty high, and I expect this thread to be locked soon....

How about you start a new thread, and start working toward healing, and identifying the things YOU could do differently, in the future.

???

Page 21 of 22 1 2 19 20 21 22

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard