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#2248994 - 05/27/12 04:21 PM Re: This might be last chance?? [Re: adinva]
1702 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/18/12
Posts: 133
I thought M was supposed to be forever. The vows you give each other are prime examples of that and I didn't take those lightly.

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#2248999 - 05/27/12 04:26 PM Re: This might be last chance?? [Re: 1702]
scaredsilly Offline
Member

Registered: 01/12/12
Posts: 1219
maybe she was honest with you "in the beginning"? maybe she changed her mind about her life with you and how she felt about you as a person? people do change their minds about how they want to live and what they want for themselves.

a good M allows both people to change and allows for growth. maybe she didn't think she had that freedom with you?

also, i don't think there are too many wounds that never heal. there may be a scar but they heal. and the scars are lessons. what you could be doing is looking at your sitch as a lesson and a blessing. how can you turn this into something positive??

it's up to you, not her.
_________________________
M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing


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#2249002 - 05/27/12 04:34 PM Re: This might be last chance?? [Re: 1702]
1702 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/18/12
Posts: 133
As much as I thought gettin my feelings out, it has only made things worse for me. I may never get the answers I was looking for. People on here say to detach and give the spouse what they want.... space and time. But should you deny them what they want if they are asking for a D just because you want to fight for your M.
there are so many contridictions about what you should do.

I do admit, she probably felt that she didn't have the freedom to do everything she wanted. But she brought alot of that on herself. How can someone want to be M and still live like they are single?

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#2249005 - 05/27/12 04:42 PM Re: This might be last chance?? [Re: 1702]
scaredsilly Offline
Member

Registered: 01/12/12
Posts: 1219
i think the responses you've been getting are pretty much in agreement here. you have NO CHOICE when it comes to denying her what she wants anymore. it's her choice and i don't think you are getting it. you have no more power over her and if you continue to show anger towards her and try to blame her and deny her what she wants, she will pull further and further away.

you continue to fight. "she brought alot of that on herself". blaming.
"...deny them what they want", controlling.

"getting my feelings out", blaming.

"has only made things worse for me", very true...that's what we're trying to tell you.
_________________________
M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing


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#2249009 - 05/27/12 05:04 PM Re: This might be last chance?? [Re: scaredsilly]
1702 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/18/12
Posts: 133
So what i am hearing you say is that if someone is asking for a D, then give it to them without fighting for your M because it is what they want. If not, you are controlling them about making decisions.

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#2249012 - 05/27/12 05:15 PM Re: This might be last chance?? [Re: 1702]
scaredsilly Offline
Member

Registered: 01/12/12
Posts: 1219
i don't know how you can stop her from divorcing you. do you? also, fighting for your marriage does not mean fighting, arguing, blaming, or controling. have you read the DB & DR books?

you cannot make decisions for her, only yourself. you are either going to show her someone who fights, argues, and blames or someone else who is kind, self confident, wants her to have the space she's asking for, etc.

which will it be?
_________________________
M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing


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#2249013 - 05/27/12 05:19 PM Re: This might be last chance?? [Re: scaredsilly]
Brit45 Offline
Member

Registered: 05/03/12
Posts: 1108
Quote:
also, fighting for your marriage does not mean fighting, arguing, blaming, or controling. have you read the DB & DR books?


YEP!

We're all telling you to "fight for your marriage" in a different way.

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#2249017 - 05/27/12 05:29 PM Re: This might be last chance?? [Re: scaredsilly]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2806
Loc: VA
Quote:
So what i am hearing you say is that if someone is asking for a D, then give it to them without fighting for your M because it is what they want. If not, you are controlling them about making decisions.

I think it would be very good for you to learn about boundaries. This statement shows you handle the natural differences between between as a tug of war. Either she wins or you win. You are not fighting *her* for your marriage - how can you win?

Your fight is against what can make you repellent, against your anger, against your bitterness and resentment.

If you follow the 37 rules and work to become better equipped to navigate relationships, you may be able to rebuild with your W, but you definitely will be a happier person and better able to have healthy relationships.

If you continue railing against what she's done, you will solidify her decision and you won't have learned from this experience.

If she wants a D and you don't, about the most you can do is delay things, and start becoming someone who would be different to be married to, and better, than you were before.

My H asked for a D about a year ago. I don't want it, I think it's wrong for many reasons, and I will not help him get it. I'm just working on me, waiting, and being someone who would be much better to be married to than I was. I feel similarly cheated and wronged, and angry, but I try to push those feelings aside and deal with reality in an honorable and dignified way.

If my H changes his mind about D, it will be because I've been awesome and patient and loving this past year, not because I fought him on it and told him how wrong he was.
_________________________
Adinva 48 H49
T25 M21 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Happiness is a warm puppy.

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#2249021 - 05/27/12 05:49 PM Re: This might be last chance?? [Re: adinva]
heartbrokeinsd Offline
Member

Registered: 04/18/12
Posts: 714
Loc: South Dakota
i like that adinva. very well said.

1702-

look man..i know you are hurting. i get it. we all do. this is not easy. i felt and somtimes still feel like you. its natural. the woman you love fired you. it hurts. you are mad. you can continue to be mad and see where it gets you. it got me to push my W further away. if i would have listened sooner, it might not be as bad. dont do that. you need to decide if you love her, NO MATTER WHAT. you cant change her. you can change yourself. hopefully she sees that, and it influences her. that would be great.

or be mad all the time..
_________________________
m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12


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#2249032 - 05/27/12 07:49 PM Re: This might be last chance?? [Re: heartbrokeinsd]
Cadet Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 5439
No one is telling you to stop FIGHTING for your marriage, thats what we are all doing here.

We are telling you to stop FIGHTING with her.

I have this wet bar of soap here and I am going to hand it over to you, to hold for me.
Do you think if you squeeze it really hard that you will be able to do that?
After all I am telling you to HOLD it.

This works the same way the more you beg, plead, cry, the further away she will run.
This is very counterintuitive.
Letting GO is the only way you might get her back.

I totally agree with you about the marriage VOWS by the way, and you married for better or worse and right now this is the worse.
Loving her enough to let her go and find herself is what you must DO.

That much I am sure.
_________________________
Me-60, D28,S27

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