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So how are things today?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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Thanks Bond for checking in... My sitch or plot has definitely thickened for the worst since the weekend. I'll get as much out and try to update later this evening.

I ended up breaking down after 4 days of NC. After going this long and with the holiday, my heart got the better of my mind and I just had to hear her voice. I guess what I am having the hardest time with is the question of why. I really and truly feel that the reasons she is giving me are her true feelings about the situation. She is placing almost all the blame on me when I truly feel that she, not necessarily has changed, but she doesn't want the responsibilities of being married. She is feeling guilty of wanting to lead a "single" lifestyle while still married. Ie, making decisions for herself and D, coming and going w/o worrying what I am doing or need, going out on wknds, not having anybody to answer to.
It is just easier for her to blame me rather that accept that her decision to end M is really not a valid reason other than to her. I feel that these feelings came from different places, and I take full responsibility for my part in making her feel certain ways.

After a 45 min conversation, we got off the phone, and even though I felt better to get things off my chest and feel that some parts of these convos make her "think" about the sitch, i didn't have any better feelings towards us.

The following day, I spoke with the one confidant that I have had throughout this whole thing. And again, I got the same story I have heard so many times... from confidant, from L, from friends, and different counselors... that she is gone, I deserve better, I deserve to be happy, what she is doing isn't what a loving wife would do, and so on....

Right after that conversation, the thoughts in my mind were almost unbearable. I did something that I am not sure if it will cause damage or not. I called in the mind set that i am the victim. I left her a msg that even though I do not want this and I am willing to do whatever it takes to save our M, that I only want her to be happy, that if a D is the only thing that will make her happy, to have papers drawn up and I will sign them....
Later on she text me to say that she got my msg and we would talk about it the next day. Then she said she would get me whatever I want. Yesterday came and went with only me sending her a msg about if she had time to think about details. No response. I sent her another msg today basically asking same thing, and got a "Ill definitely get ahold of you tonight.

Then the panic set in. I thought, What did I do?

Even though I know how bad things are with us right now, that I don't deserve to be going through this, I still love my wife more than anything. I just feel that she thinks that I won't sign papers out of spite. I also feel that because I do love her so much, and this is what she adamantly says she wants, I should just let her go and give what she is asking for.

As soon as I got finished with that thought, I called to see if I could get my 2nd DB coaching session today, but could not get appt. Virginia advised me in no way to have the convo about the details for just signing papers without talking to coach. I have appt for Sat and sent W back msg. to see if we could postpone talk til the end of wknd. She sent back "sure", I thanked her and said I have alot going thru my mind, need to get thoughts straight. This is our anniversary wknd, and I am having a very bad week.

I'll finish this later this evening.

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Some people see a D as an end. Once it is done, it is like a death to them. They can only rebuild after it happens.

Does your W honestly deep down want a D, or does she not know what she wants so she believes a D will force her to move on?

In my situation, my W never said she wanted a D. She said she wanted time. She has told numerous people she sees us together. She has told me this. However, her actions don't match what I would think someone would do if they knew deep down the right path.

If I pressed for a D, I believe my W would follow along. Do I think she wants it? No. Do I think she would follow along because she still loves me and doesn't want me to hurt anymore because she hasn't had enough time to process what she wants? Yes.

My W wants space. As hard as it is, with all the mistakes I have made, I am finally giving her space.

If we get back together, if we don't, I am concentrating on GAL right now so no matter what happens, I will be a better person at the end.


M-40
W-33
D3, D4, SD13
T 9 YEARS
M 5 YEARS
ILYBINILWY APRIL 2012
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Hopefully I can continue from earlier w/o getting off track.

So now, I am really confused about what I should do... I want nothing more than to save M. But I feel that my W really does want a D. She is relieved that she doesn't have a H around and feel guilty for her feelings of not being a good wife. She has been very clear that she has checked out and she is done.

After work and the reassurance that we could wait to have our talk, I called my confidant on way home. This person is totally honest with me and doesn't hold back, which I respect. I told them that I changed my mind about just giving in and signing papers, that even though I do want W to be happy, there is no way I could live with myself if I just gave in. Not to my surprise, I was told I was a fool, my W doesn't love me, there is no future or hope, and that I would be wasting 2 years out of my life, but that whatever decision I make is respected. Great, but alot of that convo weighs on my brain everyday. I know how my W feels. I know that there is little chance that she will come back and she will be moving on with her life without me in it. But, even though there is very little chance of W changing her mind, I would rather take that small chance than live the rest of my life knowing that I gave in.

But on the other hand, am I forcing my W unhappiness by not giving her what she wants?

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"But on the other hand, am I forcing my W unhappiness by not giving her what she wants?"

First of all, you have to get one thing straight...

You are not responsible for making your W happy. It's a very important lesson to learn. We are all responsible for our own happiness. A person could be living with cancer and yet be very positive about life. Happiness is a choice that you make.

So you are not "forcing unhappiness" upon her. She's CHOOSING to feel unhappy. She could just as easily feel happy with you, but she's CHOSEN not to.

That's why right now you need to concentrate on the things that make YOU feel happy. And I'm not talking about being with your W. What other things make you feel validated and happy?

If you choose to not push the D, then be happy and proud in that fact. You're not "wasting" your time. But you can't linger on it and make that the sole reason for living and surviving.

If you go back to DR or DB, it shows you how now you can concentrate on the things that you liked to do. What gave you joy? (And again, I'm talking about things that don't include your W). What did you like to do BEFORE you met her?

You want W to be happy. Great. But nothing you can do will "make" her feel happy. She is going to decide for herself what makes her happy and what doesn't. If she feels like she can be happy with you, then it is her choice.

"I know how my W feels."

No you don't.

"I know that there is little chance that she will come back and she will be moving on with her life without me in it."

You keep telling yourself this and it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

CHOOSE to be happy.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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who is this confidant? sounds like a woman to me..


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

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Bond, she is happy. She feels relieved that I am not around anymore. She is relieved that she can live as a "single" person again and not have the responsibilities of being married.

I'm sure many people have been is same boat as me, but 90% of the stuff I enjoyed involved my W and SD. I loved coming home each night and seeing them for the first time that day. I loved helping with the house work, whether it was dishes, laundry, or outside work. I loved, even though, we may not have been getting along, being in the same room with them.
Now, I haven't seen SD in almost a month, only have limited contact with W, and no longer have a home to take care of.
I've lived for 32 yrs w/o know my W. I know what it is like without her in it. Even though things are bad, my life is much happier and fulfilling with her in it.

The biggest thing that keeps going thru my mind is that I know I don't deserve any of this or the way I am being treated. I deserve to have somebody love me and it is clear that my W no longer feels that way.

bond, she has chosen and she has checked out. How do I get my wife back if she has already move on. The limited talk we do have, it really sounds, in her voice, that she is done.

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Actually it is. This is the woman who introduced the two of us. She is married to one of my best friends. Both of them have been amazing friends throughout this whole sitch.

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"How do I get my wife back if she has already move on."

The first thing you do is stop assuming you know what she's thinking. You just contradicted everything I posted and then asked the same question in the end.

Look, we've all felt the same way you have so we GET IT. I and others have been trying to push you out of the pity party room but you want to stay in it. That's your 2x4.

You have alot of positives BUT CHOOSE NOT TO SEE THEM.

The fastest way to heal and improve is to choose to do so.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 133
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Bond,
I really do appreciate your imput. I do see my positives and know that I am a "catch".
I guess the biggest thing I cannot get over is that the hopes and dreams that I have had for a very long time are shattered. And, yes, she is the one that did this. And I'm sure I already know what others are going to say. That this is my choice and I am the one choosing to feel this way.

But, even after all these months, I still feel that unless my W and I are able to make things work, that I have nothing else left to give in my heart. And all the things that my W and I talked about in the beginning, are gone forever. All those things are gone because she led me to believe that she was someone she really wasn't.

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