Hello. This is my first post.. I'm not sure how the moderation works, but I don't want to make this too long to not get responded to. Long story short, I feel like I have a WAW. Both 34, we have daughter which was hers from another R. Sounds strange, but we have been married twice to each other. first in front of my father as his last wish, second the originally planned... Many things inbetween, but after only one short year, she has stated she wants divorce and has asked me to leave. After the last few months of being apart, things have not been getting any better, especially for me. I would like to explain in much greater detail, but I want to make sure this doesn't get passed over. I have a coaching session scheduled for Tuesday this week.Any thing that can be helped ASAP would be much appreciated.
1702 - I'm sorry you find yourself here. The more frequent your posts, the quicker you will come off moderation. How about you start by telling us about what you think may have caused your wife to want a divorce. Be sure to tell us both sides of the equation.
Also, if you are in active pursuit of your WAW, please stop that now. Do not send gifts or letters of affection. Do not call or text for any reason other than emergency. You should also give your W as much space as you can, and then some. Get yourself busy focusing on things other than your marital crisis.
Keep posting and we will find you.
Take care!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
I have found that Journaling on here when I want to reach out to my H has really helped. Do that and don't contact her. I've been seperated for maybe 7 weeks now- seen each other briefly twice- and it is by no means easy but my day to day has gotten much better. Hearing how crappy your M was (even though it's not true) and being treated coldly is not good for your ego so stay away and focus on you. Just keep posting on people's threads until you get off moderation. It's very frustrating to be on but you'll learn a lot reading others posts.
Me-32 H-31 M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs No kids, 3 pets H estranged father passes away- 8/11 Bomb- 1/15/12 Began LRT- 4/1/12
This started shortly after we got married the first time... I will explain. My father had cancer for years before we met. We got engaged the summer of 10, dad went into hospital the following january. We knew he wasn't going to make it. She told me not to worry, my dad would see us marry. Long story short, we married on jan 14, dad died later that night. Throughout this entire time, she had been taking a med, that even though wasn't a narcotic, she was addicted. My dads last wish was to make sure we went thru with original date that June. Much more stress in following 6 months. funeral, wedding plans, holidays, birthdays. After the 2nd wedding, she decided to quit taking meds so we could have more children. Couldn't come off cold turkey. Started taking something else which made things worse. After that, withdrawls were terrible, but we made it through it and things started to get better between us. Shortly after, it went down hill and never got better. All signs of depression. Moody, no energy, lack of appetite... i could go on and on. We never did anything anymore. If I would suggest, she was too tired. Frustrated cause house was mess, but she wouldn't want to clean cause she didn't have the energy to. On other side, I did push because I wanted to have children. We had talked and that is what I thought we both agreed on. but she wasn't ready yet. She didn't want to change her last name because of her daughter. I was offended with this. Many other things, and hopefully I can get into these soon.
As time went on, we just kept the viscous circle of fighting and never resolving or compromising.
Just this past April, I found out that she went out on a weekend I was away, and had too much to drink, and stayed with OM. She has been adament that nothing happened and I do believe her, although I do have some doubts.
She just wants to walk away from a marriage that just started, said that she didn't believe in divorce in the beginning, gave me her promise two times, and is willing to basically just forget about me.
She says I don't deserve all this, and I should be allowed to have the family I want and to have children. the thing about it is I do have a family, and even though it has been my dream to have kids, I already have one with "our" daughter. I would rather have my family now, than any other possibilities in the future.
I have read both books. Both were absolutely amazing. I have a coaching session on Tuesday, and I am trying to convince wife to attend a private session with Michele. Problem is I don'[t know if her foot is too far out the door.
Follow these rules- someone posted them on my thread and they really helped me focus on myself.
DB rules
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through lconversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
Me-32 H-31 M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs No kids, 3 pets H estranged father passes away- 8/11 Bomb- 1/15/12 Began LRT- 4/1/12
Aftere wife came off meds, its like she turned into different person. In her words, she said she felt like she wanted to be back in her twenties. I thought that because we had talked so much about what we had wanted out of a marriage and a family, that we were both on same page. She, all of a sudden wanted to wait to have more kids, go out and have the fun she felt she missed for the last several years. In her defense, I wasn't very supportive of many things. I wanted to have more kids, i was offended when she didn't want to change her last name,when she wanted to start spending time doing things kids do in their twenties.
I understand about the rules and not contacting her. I am very much trying, but I feel that she is almost at the point of having both feet out the door. She knows I don't believe in divorce and I won't sign papers. She originally wanted to just have papers drawn up, sign, and be over quickly. When she found that I won't morally sign papers to end my marriage, she says her lawyer won't send papers to me, that I have to get a lawyer for her to send them two. This was over two weeks ago. What is confusing is that she originally wanted just her lawyer to do papers and we would sign so we could save money. Is she stalling
It has been almost 3 months since we separated. She has really never wanted to try to work on things. Said she needed space, which now, I have seen that I didn't give her. Now the reasons she is giving, just don't add up. At first said she needed time to fall back in love, then said she wanted to let me go to find what I wanted, which was to have the family I always wanted. When I told her that is what I do have, she said she shouldn't have said she would marry me, that it was a mistake, and that we are not the right people for each other. I don't understand at all! Things were perfect until the stress of everyday life got in the way. She seemed to let the idea of a true family run her away. It was almost as if she fell out of love for the same reasons she fell in love with me. Lot of different issues that one of the reasons I feel like she wants a divorce. She just doensn't want the responsibilties of being married. She still sleeps with daughter which is almost 5. She is very close to her family and it seems like she is having a hard time separating the fact that she has a family with me now.
How in the world does someone go from loving you enough to commit her life to you, to wanting a divorce, in less than 12 months? I can't believe you have become an ogre in that time. So your coach will probably tell you not to take any notice of the "I want a D" talk. Have your heard ILYBINILWY talk yet? Don't believe that either. If you can detach, do so. Do not chase her. I know it is hard but it is the only thing that works. Read Divorce Remedy, especially the LRT bit. And work on yourself, become someone only a fool would leave. This can be tough, but there is support here and things WILL get better.
M 53, W 48 T 25, M 18 S 15, D 11 "I'me done!" 6/13/2010 Exit started 8/21/2011 ILYBNILWY W consults with L 9/2011, no papers filed Separated 1/16/2012
