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zig Offline
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Believe it or not, it is very VERY hard for me to focus my mind into silence.

i know - i'm laughing - because that's what i thought meditation was about for a very long time and couldn't even attempt it.

if you don't mind - i'll offer you my thoughts on what it is about.

here's what i understand about the attitude one could take - and for some who have read or listened to Pema Chodron, i find myself using the same phrases she does...

it's about cultivating certain aspects that are already within us. the first is Gentleness, then generosity towards ourselves and others - the generosity of acknowledging that just like ourselves, others have the same struggle and pain, albeit differently .

when we acknowledge our own shortcomings in a gentle way without JUDGEMENT TOWARDS OURSELVES FIRST, then over the course of our lives, we can begin to spread that out to the people around us.

so how does that apply to the actual meditation? you start by sitting or lying down in a position that is comfortable for you - and just becoming aware of your breath - just "breathing in, breathing out" and eventually thoughts will come into your mind - all kinds - gentle ones, nice ones, obsessive ones - lots of obsessive ones!!

and then this is how you apply the gentleness - all you have to do, is acknowledge to yourself that you are thinking and then gently let it go, with lots of forgiveness and gentleness to yourself and go back to your breathe. and you will do this all through the meditation - go back to your breathe, find yourself thinking again inadvertently, acknowledge it gently and go back to your breathe. each time you find your mind wandering, you say to yourself "thinking" with no judgement and then go back to your breathe.

you may find yourself thinking - well how can that be meditation - but after you do this, you WILL emerge from it feeling the soothing effects of meditation, no matter how much or little you were able to empty your mind.

and some days you will be surprised that you emptied it quite a bit and somedays not at all, but what pema says that is most important is that one does not criticize oneself, or judge oneself for it being one way or the other. you shouldn't feel more good because you did what you thought was a better job at it that day, and you shouldn't feel more bad, because you thought you didn't do it as well as you should

meditation - is about giving yourself that short span of time during your day when you stay as completely in the present moment as you are capable of - and you do that by practicing bringing yourself back to the present (the breathe) as many time as you possibly can

when i am going through the rest of my day, and the thoughts are cycling through my head and super fast speed, and i can't think straight about what i should do or say or react, i will sometimes be able to stop myself and say "thinking" and it activates my brain into the meditative state and if i'm lucky i can self-soothe in that moment.

i hope you will try this out - even half heartedly during this difficult time for you - it's a refuge for your mind - a much needed one in the midst of the chaos and craziness

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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zig Offline
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wanted to add - when i am having a really hard time, i found this above way to be too challenging.and then i realized that i could use a guided meditation where someone else is instructing me and it took a little of the pressure off

one that has helped me tremendously - and i am still trying to figure out what it is doing to my brain - i found on u-tube. hope it's okay to mention it here.
if you put Abraham Hicks - Breathing meditation into the utube search, it should come up

someone posted it - and its not complete - it stops abruptly, but it has a special count for breathing with this unusual music - and the effect is quite amazing - at least for me - i really come out of it CALMED DOWN - and its only 15 mins, so i do it 3 or 4 times a day.

hope it helps someone else

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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Crimson Offline OP
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So I have done no reaching out at all today and I got the "how is S?" text a bit ago. I am not going to respond. I don't think she cares to communicate....she probably just wants to know how he's doing. Still....I feel like I am being cruel by not answering. I won't - but I still feel bad about it.

Crimson

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she really needs to let go of you helping her connect with what's going on with the boy when she doesn't have him. that's what she gives up with the path she's choosing. if you were remarried, would she be texting you like this? i doubt it. she still want to pull on the rope.


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

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I agree with you SS. It just tugs at my heart to know that she is over at hurt place wondering about him....missing him....hurting. Regardless, I agree that that is a consequence of the choice that she is making. I, too, will not have the luxury of knowing what is going on with him when he is away from me and it breaks my heart, too. I still love her and hate to see her in pain - but I guess this is my first time really practicing tough love.

Crimson

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maybe you're not being "cruel" but helpful? you're doing her a favor. you're showing her the consequences of her choice so she will know it's not a good one. stringing that consequence out by softening it just made it go on and on.

it's like being a parent. sometimes the worst thing we can do is feel sorry for our kids because it keeps us from letting them know cause and effect.


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

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Posts: 1,326
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Crimson Offline OP
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Text from w this morning...."Can I hear S's voice, please". Still, I won't respond. I feel terrible. I don't like to see her hurting.....I know probably shouldn't care, but I do. It hurts me to hurt her....and it's a matter of time before she accuses me of using the baby as leverage. It's a no win.

Crimson

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Crimson u are not hurting her. She is hurting herself with her choices. Stay strong man. Don't break she will get the hint. Keep at it and have fun with kid. They grow up super fast.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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you are not hurting her. she's the captain of the ship. are you using the baby for leverage? no, you're protecting yourself from her using you. you're a better dad when you protect yourself. you could try texting her to tell her to stop intruding on your time with your son? this is the way divorce works.


M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing

Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 623
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jks Offline
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This reminds me so much of my H when he hadn't seen or talked to his kids for a week and continually asked to have them call him while they were with me. I specifically asked him not to contact me unless it was absolutely necessary and he continued to do it anyway. What he didn't understand is that the more he contacted me the more it put me in a bad mood and it affected how I was around my children.

I was working on getting to a happy place so I could be the best mother I could be, and I felt like H kept pulling me back down. This is not to be vindictive and hurtful. It is your way to heal. To move on. Isn't that what they wanted anyway?


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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