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Maggie3 Offline OP
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Advice needed

One of my friends- who I met through my H as they were friends but we have become good friends- came to visit me this weekend. She told me she has an email drafted to my husband- has for awhile now. She asked me if she could send it. She basically told me what it says. Her and her H had similar issues a few years ago and worked things out. She talks about that and how when they had issues she reached out to people but nobody knew what to say or wanted to get involved (my H and I included- but in our defense I didn't know how bad things were until after the fact). She says she wished someone had written them an email like the one she was sending- that marriage is hard work but worth it, that we were a couple that other people admired because we were such good friends and always had fun, etc. I'm asking for advice- do I give her permission to send or ask her not to? I don't think it will change anything but it does feel good to know someone other than me wants to stand up for our marriage and what it was.


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
Joined: Apr 2012
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What a lovely gesture. I'd love to have someone like that around.

Personally (not knowing your friend), if someone did that for me, I would thank them for their kindness and strength at the offer to put something like that out there for others to know, but say that I didn't think it would be appropriate for me to say whether they should or should not send it. At worst, it would look like you asked her to do it and that would read like pursuing. Maybe ask that if she does send it (not asking her TO do it, but IF she does), that she makes clear that you had no part in it.

Anyone else?

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Thanks Vera- I agree it was very sweet of her. I'm sure there are people who want to do the same on your part but it is such a difficult position to be in and not know what is crossing boundaries.

She said it starts out saying something to the effect of "Maggie has no idea I am writing you this" although I guess now I do.


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,108
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She's put you in a tough position because if you say yes that's fine and she sends the letter with that line then you're lying to him. If I were you I would say whatever communication you have with him is your decision. So if you do decide to talk to him about your views on marriage I'd rather not know.

Now whether it's a good idea for a friend to tell a WAS that they may be acting hasty is a whole other kettle of fish. In my situation I wasn't listening to anyone. But everyone is different.

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Maggie3 Offline OP
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Good point Brit. She basically told me what the email said too so I guess it would be lying, even though it wasn't like I asked her to write to him. I think I will tell her what you said- that it is her call if she decides to do it or not. I think it felt cathartic for her to reach out to him, as they are (were? she's pretty p.o.'ed at him) friends.

My other question for all you wise DB'ers is this: Basically my H comes by once every week and a half or so after work and cuts our lawn. Our yard is large and we have maybe 7 or so different beds of shrubs, flowers, etc. They are all overgrown, weedy and looking horrible. He never mulched this year or did any of the work to get our yard in shape after this spring. Outdoor stuff was usually his area (with help from me under his direction) as he has a green thumb and I sadly do not. I also cannot do most of this stuff as I am too small and struggle even starting the leaf blower. I tried to burn all the brush I collected and the fire got out of control and my neighbor luckily ran over to help put it out. This same neighbor has been helping with some of the lawn stuff because I think he feels so bad for me. I have been trying my best but I just can't do it. I have been working almost every Friday evening and Sunday at my part time job because I am so worried about money while also trying to do fun things to keep me busy and GAL. Today on my way to work I broke down crying and called my dad to come help me next weekend. My parents live over an hour away and while they have come to help with some stuff they also care for my sister's three young children and my dad still works part time. We cannot afford to pay a lawn care company for maintenance. I'm already annoyed that he is still having a lawn care company come out for treatments- it makes no sense to have them treat the grass in a yard that looks ridiculous with overgrowth and weeds everywhere.

My question is- how do I approach my H about more help? Right now he is paying extra on top of his mortgage payments to help me with my car loan. I don't want to jeopardize this or risk him not coming to help at all. I am feeling frustrated because I think he is not willing to give up his newly active social life on weekends. He wants to keep our house and have me get roommates to help with the mortgage (he will continue to pay some) I'm guessing until home values climb back up. I also don't want him to change his mind and have us lose a ton on our home.

My thought was possibly emailing his mom and explaining this to her and asking her if she can somehow plant the idea in his head that he needs to come do more than cut the lawn. I know he helps her with her yard (we both used to) too, but she can at least afford to pay someone else to come help her. I don't want to have to run to his mom every time there is an issue, which I feel like I had done before after the bomb. Ideas? Concerns?


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
Joined: Mar 2012
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Maggie3 Offline OP
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My first draft- obviously I have to take some parts (his social life) but d*mn they felt good to type out smile
Thoughts?

Hi MIL,

Hope everything is well with you and you are enjoying this beautiful weather. Has (sick friend) heard anything back? I am hoping she is okay. I am glad to hear you had a nice trip and that you are keeping busy and sleeping better.

I am writing to you because I am not sure how to approach H and was hoping maybe you could say something to him in a way that won't upset him. He is coming by and cutting the lawn, which I appreciate, but more needs to be done than a cut every week and a half or so. The beds are all overgrown, weeds everywhere and the yard just looks like crap. I have tried to get some yard work done each weekend, but I am working every Sunday at my part time job and most Friday nights as well because I am so concerned with money, plus keeping up the inside, paying the bills, taking care of the pets and also trying to get out and do some fun things for myself to help with my emotional recovery. I've asked my dad to come one day next weekend and help me and he has said he will, but this does not seem fair as it is not his yard to maintain. My concern is that I will anger H by even mentioning it and he will push to sell the house sooner, causing us to lose money, or stop contributing as much financially.

This week he said he would be by on Sunday morning to do some things. He did not show up. I understand he is out having fun (dating as he nicely told me) and that this is helping to ease his anxiety but it is not fair that my anxiety is getting higher and higher as this is not a situation I wanted and I am feeling completely overwhelmed. I don't want to put you in the middle, as that is not fair to you, but am hoping you could mention something to him, like maybe he needs to take a full weekend day and go work on our yard. I will gladly leave why he is there, or help if he wants me to, but I simply cannot, and should not, be expected to do this all alone.


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,108
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I don't know your R with your MIL but I would say this is not the right this to do at all.

Quote:
I don't want to have to run to his mom every time there is an issue, which I feel like I had done before after the bomb.

So perhaps approaching him directly and not going through his family would be a good 180.

I know how this feels...something small like an overgrown flower bed comes to represent his lack of care and attention to something you once shared.

You struggling with that leaf mower, talking to a neighbour and your Dad about it makes you feel like you're dealing with all the boring responsible things while he's off living the high life.

You're scared that if you bring it up, or do anything to challenge him he'll change your living situation.

As ScaredSilly would tell me (or you in this situation) you're making a decision based on fear.


What if this was a roommate whose job it was to look after the lawn how would you approach it?

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Maggie3 Offline OP
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Uggh, well old me would be passive aggressive and be nice to roommate's face but be raging inside and probably talk about roommate with a friend while continuing to try and do it all myself. So, you bring up an excellent point.

How is this? Trying to make it light, not shaming him for the fact he hasn't been doing it without me even asking.

Hi H,

The yard is looking pretty shabby. Was wondering if you could come by one day and get some trimming, weeding, etc done in addition to the mowing? I'll continue to do the things I am able to do, but you know me and my black thumb. My dad is coming one day next weekend but I don't know if we will be able to get it all done in one day.
Thanks,
Maggie


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,108
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That sounds great!

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Maggie3 Offline OP
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Oh and R with MIL- she always loved me. She drives me crazy because she is an enabler to my H (he has hypochondriac tendencies when stressed out and she would do things like "Oh regarding your headaches...I was reading about brain tumors"- ugh!). During H & my R I never went to her about issues we had, but after the bomb I started to because she was on team "Save the Marriage". She was also very confused about H's behavior, the things he was saying, etc. I think after our HUGE blowout, when I found out about texts to potential OW, MIL was supporting me and I think H scared her into thinking he would cut her out of his life. She told me that, without directly saying that.


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
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