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#2245570 - 05/16/12 07:37 AM Re: Moving on WITHOUT the MLCer ..... [Re: Kimmerz]
job Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/00
Posts: 18309
Loc: Maryland
I'm glad to see that you were finally able to speak to someone about the support payments. Two weeks isn't that far off and once the account is set up, you shouldn't have to worry about it again or contact your xh about it.

I hope the rest of your week is a good one.

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#2245598 - 05/16/12 09:34 AM Re: Moving on WITHOUT the MLCer ..... [Re: job]
golf mom Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/12
Posts: 659
I'm so glad, kimmerz. You certainly don't need to worry about that on top of everything else. As for your XH, yes, he's maybe convinced himself that OW is perfect for him, but don't you believe it. I know you are in the process of moving on and don't want him back, but for what it's worth remember you were the grounded one, the adult, in your relationship. He's having fun right now and that may last quite awhile, but just like a teenager, eventually he will remember the safety and security of home and family. What once felt like a life full of restrictions might actually start to look appealing. I'm certainly no MLC expert, but I wonder if this is why so many "boomerang" until the LBS says enough. It's also interesting that these WS's leave the life that apparently made them unhappy, but they often go recreate a similar existence with someone else. I don't know. I'm just still trying to understand it all and what they actually gain. It seems that in many case life was pretty good and simple. How do they convince themselves that having to meet a new person's needs, go through D, etc. is the life they've been looking for?

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#2245820 - 05/16/12 08:20 PM Re: Moving on WITHOUT the MLCer ..... [Re: golf mom]
Kimmerz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 776
Loc: West Coast
Hi GM....
Yes the Boomeranger is certainly interesting isn't it? Xh was definately a Boomeranger and I guess to a certain extent still is. See this weird MLC behavior started with him 6 years ago. He left and came back two times before. What pulled him back the two times before were the true comforts of home, family, and lonliness. I think this time he was so damn determined he was leaving for good he did everything in his power to keep himself away....to a certain extent. Sure hasn't had any problem keeping in touch when he's felt the need, nor interfering with some stuff to boot.

I think the motivation behind their choices is very much like dangling a carrot infront of a rabbit. Their carrot is the life they feel they are entitled to have at this point and time. They'll keep chasing that carrot until they get exhausted and realize what issues they were running from needed to be resolved within themselves all along....if they're lucky.

Yes from what I can gather Xh has semi recreated that with OW. She does for him what I did for him when he was the happiest in our marriage. My XH could not understand why I wasn't the same person and our marriage wasn't the same marriage it was 7 years ago. It was odd...it's like he was in and out of this weird reality. It's like he started to wake up to what his life really was, but had no idea how it got that way, so he blamed it all on me. He kept referring to how things were in the past and how bad they were now. I explained to him the Hell WE'VE BEEN THROUGH the past several years. Sometimes I wonder if the past several years have been so traumatic for him that he actually went into some sort of disassociation and has only retained bits and pieces. It very well could be. WE've had so much loss. He told me if he could do magic he'd go back in time and fix things but he couldn't and he missed things the way the used to be. Then in the same breath turned right around and said he missed things about us, but it didn't change the way he felt about me and I couldn't stop him from living his life. He also said that sometimes he didn't know what to do but then Id piss him off and help him make his choices. That was the last meaningful email conversation we ever had.

I don't know GM...it's like watching a train wreck and not being able to help. Like watching a man jump overboard but deliberately refusing to take the life ring for help.

At any rate, some new news. My pen pal male friend I've been in contact with for 4 months want to meet me in person! We've exchanged pictures, and he's really cute. I don't know when we'll meet in person, but Im hoping soon. he lives a little bit away from me so we'd have to find a meeting place half way.
My aunt is concerned how XH will react if I end up having a relationship with this person. I figure he won't care about me, but will get paranoid in thinking about another man around his children and taking his place as their father. Though no one could replace their father, I can see my kids really like my friend. But then again they may not, cause they sure the heck don't like OW.

But we'll see.


20/20 being hindsight I can see his MLC ( if this is what it really is) quandry right then and there. But at the time it was just BS to me. He was also already involved with OW at the time he wrote that too. As heartbroken as I've been this past year I also know that I've come to the end of my rope with him too.
_________________________
M=40 XH=41
M=18 T=21
D13 D9
Divorced 4/2012

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#2245837 - 05/16/12 09:08 PM Re: Moving on WITHOUT the MLCer ..... [Re: Kimmerz]
golf mom Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/12
Posts: 659
Kimmerz, you sure have a good understanding about things. You seem at peace with everything today. I'm so glad. Regarding your new male friend, I'm so excited for you! I hope you are able to meet soon. You deserve happiness.

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#2246609 - 05/19/12 01:17 AM Re: Moving on WITHOUT the MLCer ..... [Re: Kimmerz]
TSquared2 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 2135
Loc: Rocky Mountains
Idk, when my sister got engaged to new man her XH (he left her just after (literally, just after) their 2nd kid was born for OW much younger) came pounding on the door trying to talk her out of it...your XH may have issues with it, as I have read that they want you to stay in the same place you were...

Yes, it is sad to watch them flounder, but it's not as if we pushed them to where they are (regardless of what they think about that, or what we USED to think)...really, it IS their choice...your XH could have come back, you would have worked on the R with him, but he chose not to. I am glad you are seeing all that you are and coming to the right conclusions.

New man will be getting quite a woman... smile

T^2
_________________________
There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it's going to be a butterfly.-Buckminster Fuller

Uncertainty is the very condition
which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm


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#2246689 - 05/19/12 01:41 PM Re: Moving on WITHOUT the MLCer ..... [Re: TSquared2]
Kimmerz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 776
Loc: West Coast
Hey guys!

How is everyone? I don't post as often as I'd like to, just been so busy! The school year is coming to a close and there just seems to be a mad rush for all these extra curricular activities before school is out. Plus Im working some extra shifts for a little extra money.

Im doing better each day.I feel strong, and alive again. My interests in life and interests in hobbies are coming back. I get excited about doing things again. Think Im pretty much out of the fog that I fought damn near to my spiritual death to get to. Im finding all these things that I've struggled with are falling into place. My anger and forgiveness towards ex husband is one. The saying " the truth shall set you free" is what we all should live by, because it does. I find that NC brings me the peace I need to feel forgiving, and the anger dramatically melts away.

I feel I have the answers to all the most important questions I've had during this whole ordeal. I had to accept the truth about my XH and accept the reality of my situation for what it was. It took several backslides, a few nasty arguments with ex, and about a million tears. But I finally feel like I've put that last jigsaw puzzle piece in place...to the 5000 piece puzzle.

Things still come to me, but it's more of a reminder of how things really were between Xh and myself during our marriage. At least the last 7 years or so. After it's all said and done ( and beleive me ,there's alot!) the one thing that truly saddens me is that healthy communication is not, nor was it ever possible bewteen him and myself. I tried. I tried so hard. I still try when it's needed.

I work with the elderly and deal with dementia all the time. Getting through to someone in the throws of dementia induced psychosis is easier than getting through to XH. Even being aware of MLC brain on my part....You just can't get anywhere with these MLCers. LOL... I guess the only little question I have about Ex, is this really MLC, or is this just really him? Has he been in MLC 6 years, or did his true colors just come full bore, and he was lying all this time? It really doesn't matter at this point and time. Dealing with them is all the same no matter what the hell is going on with MLCers anyway.

Im still sad that I have to let go at times, but it's the only way I will survive and thrive. I want to thrive for myself, and for my girls. I miss the good parts of him alot. But I have alot of good going on in my own life now.

Thanks for the compliment T. I really hope she see's you for the person YOU ARE and have BECOME. She is getting the benefits of a rare kind of man, but doesn't know it now. I pray she wakes up, I really do. I know how much you want your marriage to work out. I was reading on your thread and it seems like your wife is making progress...at least from my view point I see her trying. If she's willing to talk about it, I find that as one HUGE obstacle gone through. I literally don't know how you muster the patience to tolerate this with her but I applaud you with all my might. The ability to find yourself and grow in a situation like yours.....well for most people is damn near impossible. However she has shown positive signs which must be encouraging and and give you just a little more patience and will to keep going. But if the time comes that staying involved with her is consuming you too much, don't be afraid to let go and keep going on.

I know for myself, I was so worn down from XH issues, I lost all patience. I think when he moved out he possibly was at the same place your wife is now. But because he could NOT express himself and tell me anything encouraging, I just gave up. I accept now that XH just can't communicate intense emotion unless it's anger and it can be blamed on someone else.

I also accept, this is a deal breaker for any romantic relationship I have with anyone from here on out.

Ok all have a great weekend.
_________________________
M=40 XH=41
M=18 T=21
D13 D9
Divorced 4/2012

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#2246801 - 05/20/12 12:15 AM Re: Moving on WITHOUT the MLCer ..... [Re: Kimmerz]
TSquared2 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/11
Posts: 2135
Loc: Rocky Mountains
Kimmmerz---That is the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a long, long time...it touched something deep, made me cry.

T^2
_________________________
There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it's going to be a butterfly.-Buckminster Fuller

Uncertainty is the very condition
which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm


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#2246829 - 05/20/12 07:59 AM Re: Moving on WITHOUT the MLCer ..... [Re: TSquared2]
Kimmerz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 776
Loc: West Coast
Hey T^2,

Well see what I mean? It takes a rare kind of man to tell the world he cries!

You know what's so lonely about this journey? We the LBS go through all these changes. We start out doing it in hopes to get our marriages back, but end up making these changes for ourselves. We can see our changes, other people can see our changes, but the one person we really want the most to see them and accept us with open arms.....well they don't seem to see us.

I didn't know you before this website, but I do know how you choose to behave and act now. It's clear where you're coming from. Which is a place of Love, understanding, compassion and empathy towards your wife. That's where we all come from. It's just a shame they can't see us for who we are now.

I know you know this, but they can't see us because they're too wrapped up in themselves at this time. Where we come from love and understanding, they come from confusion, anger, and a fog. Just more proof that it really isn't about us, it's about them, their issues and how they see the world.


I was curious T. You said your sister got engaged after her H left for an OW right after the baby was born.....I'll save my sarcastic remarks for what he did to your sister later! At any rate, what was his reason for pounding on the door and telling her not to marry this new guy after what he did to her? That sounds like an entertaining explanation I'd like to hear!
_________________________
M=40 XH=41
M=18 T=21
D13 D9
Divorced 4/2012

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#2246831 - 05/20/12 08:06 AM Re: Moving on WITHOUT the MLCer ..... [Re: Kimmerz]
Kimmerz Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 776
Loc: West Coast
I also wanted to make a comment about these changes people see.... I keep getting compliments on how good I look, that I've lost weight, and that Im glowing and seem to be doing so good.

The first thing everyone says " Gee Kim....you got a new man in your life?"

I say " nope! No man in my life.... Kimmy's just gettin her groove back, that's all!"


My point is, Im glad I've reached this place without having to jump into a rebound to build me back up. However it's lonlier than I thought. It dawned on me the other night at my daughters Spring Concert as I saw all the parents together, just how long I've been alone. Yes, totally alone for 1 year, but emotionally alone for 6 years.

Im tired of being alone and tired of having to do this parenting thing by myself all the time. It's tough, especially when you have a strong willed 9 year old that pushes boundaries at every angle possible.

I hope I find someone that's ok with kids and wants to help me raise them...before theyr'e grown.
_________________________
M=40 XH=41
M=18 T=21
D13 D9
Divorced 4/2012

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#2246842 - 05/20/12 09:21 AM Re: Moving on WITHOUT the MLCer ..... [Re: Kimmerz]
AJM Offline
Member

Registered: 11/26/08
Posts: 2778
I'm glad you didn't do the rebound thing. It can suck, but to each their own.

Can I suggest that you are on a good path, K? Wanting help and to not be lonely are good signs for your journey. But it might be helpful to not give in to that. That's not the basis for a long term and healthy relationship. Yet. It's part of one certainly, but there is so much more. What you describe are just pieces of your life, but not your whole life.

If I was dating somebody like that, I'd walk away. I'd walk because that person is not yet ready for a relationship. They are looking to replace a lost partnership.

I get the loneliness. I felt it too. It led me to a rebound relationship and I wish I had made other choices. It was quickly apparent that we both weren't ready for a relationship as she was doing similar (in her case, her H had died a few years earlier).

You have to get to a point where you offer more because you have more than you can keep to yourself, K. That's when you are not just getting by but are really living your life. You are well on your way there now. That glow? It's a good sign that the spark is returning and the light is getting brighter.

Don't settle for just a partner to help pass the time and raise the kids. That won't likely end well.

Date because you are lonely and seeking companionship perhaps. Not because you need a father figure for your kids. They have one even if he is "absent" to some degree.

Date for you and your personal needs. Date because you have a lot more than you need and can give.

You'll be glad you did and you are not likely far off from that point. Certainly closer than yesterday smile

I'm happy things are getting better in your life, K. They will get much much better I'm sure..

AJ
_________________________
Me:43
D:19 S:16
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...

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