"I am paying attention, even if it may seem that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to."
of course you are. i think you're doing wonderfully. i don't do what i'm supposed to do all the time, either. we all have to play it by ear sometimes. each sitch is different as each WAS is different.
it's not easy, for sure. i cherish all the advice and comments i get from everyone on here. without all of you, i would have crashed and burned a long time ago. i'm a much happier person because of you, SBR, and all the others on here.
i only wish everyone on here love and happiness!
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Last night, around 6pm I got a text from H asking what I was up to. I decided to be honest and say that I was just doing some stuff around my apt, hoping he wasn't going to ask me to do an errand or something for him.
His response- putt putt? Last week I'd printed out the groupon I'd bought back in January (when we had decided to start going on dates again, but never did) that was set to expire yesterday and given it to him. I'd told him to go ahead and take one of his friends.
I'd almost forgotten about it and was pretty sure it was just going to expire. I was surprised that H actually remembered and was willing to take me since he had said he would try to take his best friend.
I met up with him at the house and he said we'd have to hurry because his cousin was in town and he was supposed to go out with her. I wasn't sure how we'd be done in time, but I didn't say anything or try to figure out a plan. Go me!
We had a fun time golfing and playing on the go-carts. As we were finishing up, he said he could take me straight home or I could go with him to the gay bars. I was surprised to be invited along, so I agreed to go.
I like his cousin and her partner, although I've only seen them at family reunions. We had a fun time hanging out and H actually didn't spend all of his time on his phone.
I know that H still has feelings for the other girl, but I was glad to show him that we can still have fun together.
On the ride to golf, he mentioned how he had 3 separate groups of friends- his bf and the gay crowd, his age divorced women w/ kids, and this new group of early 20somethings and that they didn't mix.
I don't know the last group, but the members of the first two really like me and I have no problem hanging out with them. Maybe he's starting to realize that he can't have it all.
His best friend is moving out of state in about three months and H is moving in with another friend for a few months until he can get back on his feet. Maybe this discomfort is what he needs to figure things out.
It may not save our M, but I'll be happy as long as he saves himself. I'm not offering advice, just listening, so I was proud of how I acted yesterday.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
Today I called my MIL since I hadn't spoken to her since she visited a few weeks ago. I can tell she's still upset that H and I haven't gotten back together.
At one point, she told me that she was trying to be more like me and just sit back and let him do what he needed to do, without giving him suggestions. She knows that he'll rebel against anything she says and she doesn't want to make the sitch work.
She'd said that she wished she could just tell him to go back to me, but it wouldn't work. I tried to lighten the mood by telling her that if he was that much of a mama's boy to do exactly what she said, I probably wouldn't want him back anyway!
She told me again that I was like a daughter to her and she just wanted both of us to be happy. She'd love us to get back together, but if that didn't happen, she still wanted me to keep in touch because I'm a part of the family.
I'm actually closer to H's family than my own and his is so much larger, so it'll be hard to lose all of them if I do.
It's just nice to hear from someone who knows both of us, but especially H, and to get confirmation that I'm doing the right thing.
She wants me to make things harder on H, not offering to help him out when he's in a jam or doing things for him. She wants him to experience what life will really be like if he divorces me.
I'm doing better at not giving H advice or offering to help. He has to fly out of town on Thursday for an interview and won't be back until Friday.
My SS10 will be in town on Monday for five weeks and while I'd love to keep him overnight while H is gone, I'm not going to offer. If H asks, I'll gladly do it, because I do want to spend time with SS, but it's not my place to help H out anymore.
If he wants to be a single man, he has to figure out how to rearrange his life when he has custody of his son. And I'm definitely not going to offer to watch him if H is trying to hang out with his friends.
SS is only with him for a few weeks in the summer and then he'll be going back out of state, so H really should rearrange his schedule to spend as much time with him as possible. That's what I'd do if I knew when I'd be given the opportunity to see him.
It's hard for me because I'm just his stepmother and may not even be that soon if H decides to file the paperwork. But SS is turning 11 in less than three weeks and I've known him since he was 4. There's a good chance he'll be the only child I'll ever have and I can't imagine losing him too.
Just thinking about this is making me sad and I'm already in a bad mood because H is at a dance club with his new "friend" and her friends. I've begged for years to go dancing and we never did.
Yet, I'm the one who never wanted to go out and have fun. I just didn't want to go out with his guy friends all the time and wanted time with just the two of us or couples. The new girl doesn't fit in with the friends who are his age, so H just joined her group instead. Glad he made the effort for her, and not me...
Except Wednesday, when he hung out with me, I realized he's spent time with her every day this week. And when things are going well, he doesn't feel the need to contact me. At this point, she still doesn't want to date him, but he's interested in her, so I'm just a side note.
Two weeks until the house is sold and we can go our separate ways. We'll have nothing except a cell phone bill and possible car insurance to deal with.
If he wants to contact me, he can make the effort. I'm done pursuing. I need to drop the rope.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
She wants me to make things harder on H, not offering to help him out when he's in a jam or doing things for him. She wants him to experience what life will really be like if he divorces me. [/quote}
Your MIL seems to have an intuitive sense of what DB'ing is all about. Listen to her.
[quote]Yet, I'm the one who never wanted to go out and have fun. I just didn't want to go out with his guy friends all the time and wanted time with just the two of us or couples.
There is nothing wrong with you wanting to spend time with your H and not his guy friends. There just has to be a balance. And the scales really should be tilted in your favor. You were his W after all. It is important for you to remember this for your next R whether it is with your H or someone more deserving.
Quote:
Except Wednesday, when he hung out with me, I realized he's spent time with her every day this week. And when things are going well, he doesn't feel the need to contact me. At this point, she still doesn't want to date him, but he's interested in her, so I'm just a side note.
Two weeks until the house is sold and we can go our separate ways. We'll have nothing except a cell phone bill and possible car insurance to deal with.
If he wants to contact me, he can make the effort. I'm done pursuing. I need to drop the rope.
Yes, I'd say it is time to drop that rope. I know it is not easy. There is a lot of pain and anger and loneliness in doing so. But for your own emotional good, you need to do it.
(((SBR)))
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Thanks for the feedback. Yes, my MIL really wants H to see what life will be like without me before he files for D.
I think I've just spent the last year or so afraid that he'd think that I'd given up on him like everyone else has and that would cause him to lose all possible hope of R.
But with most of our financial ties about to be gone, and him most likely living 25+ miles away, I am ready for him to see that life now.
My apt is less than a mile from our house, so it was easy to go over there when he'd call. But I won't drive to the other side of town and since he'd be living with a friend, that would be awkward anyway.
H never expected any of his friends to come to our side of town and would always go over there. Now that I'll be the only one this direction, I'm somewhat curious to see if he'll make any effort to see me, but if he doesn't, that just shows me that I'm making the right decision to detach.
I really do like H's best friend, but I didn't marry him also. I just wanted time alone with my H.
My view of marriage is that it should be the two of us taking on the world.
H and I should have had a few more conversations about what we expected from married life. I've learned a lot from this about what I need/want from my next relationship, regardless of who it's with.
Now, just to get through all of the last minute details to get this house sold and move on to the next chapter in my life.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
I've been good at detaching this weekend. I sent one text yesterday to H regarding an estimate for house repairs and nothing today. And I haven't had much of an urge to send any texts either.
Realized that I didn't mention this yesterday, but at 2am on Saturday morning I got a call from H. I thought it might be an emergency so I answered it.
H was upset because his night at the club hadn't gone the way he wanted and "you're the only one I can talk to". Hmm, I'm the only one he can talk to, isn't that job of a spouse? And isn't he removing me from that role?
Anyway, I knew it was going to be a good story, so I just stayed silent and listened to him talk. Apparently, his "friend" brought along two other friends, one of whom was underage. That girl got extremely drunk, so H put her in his car to sleep it off.
H was worried about her, so he went to check on her and since she wasn't doing any better, decided to close his tab and take her home. He goes inside the club to see his "friend" not worried at all and dirty dancing with some new guy.
So H is all upset that his friend isn't responsible at all and doesn't really seem to care about her friends, leaving him to do all of the work.
I guess when you choose new, extremely young friends to hang out with because they're so much fun you can't expect them to be responsible and dependable too!
And he also mentioned that he'd spent quite a bit of money too, but I knew better than to ask how much. H took money out of his retirement account a few days ago to pay off some of his bills and then can't say no to going out even though he has no money. Even he knows how stupid that was, but just couldn't say no.
I must have detached at least a little, because I wasn't upset by this and really just thought it was pretty funny. He kept saying that he just keeps getting used by people.
I did mention that his IC recommended he read codependent no more for a reason and that it was still on his night stand, but didn't give any advice or ask any questions.
I've finally accepted that I can't save him or fix his life. He has to figure things out for himself and not allow himself to be used any more. I'm too busy working on myself, anyway!
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
I've finally accepted that I can't save him or fix his life. He has to figure things out for himself and not allow himself to be used any more. I'm too busy working on myself, anyway!
Good for you, SBR! Good for you. Now keep this mindset as you move forward and you will be just fine!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
The other day H mentioned that he thought he'd already given me a check to pay off his Visa bill. He hadn't so I looked up the charges last night.
Silly man, he didn't want to tell me how much he'd spent at the club, but he put it on my Visa account. I thought that was funny.
This morning, I texted him the current amount, but didn't say anything else. Later he responded that he'd write me a check today and I thanked him.
A few seconds later, I was asked if I was doing okay. I responded, "of course, why wouldn't I be?".
He just said that he was curious because we hadn't spoken much, but that of course he'd been busy working his a$$ off.
I just said that I'd been busy too and didn't have anything I needed to tell him.
We texted briefly after work about the house repairs and I found out that he didn't pick up his son today. Instead, he's getting him tomorrow. He mentioned that he was so tired yesterday, it seemed like a good idea.
I didn't think it needed a response, so I didn't reply. That may have been the first time I ever stopped replying first!
In 13 days, we should be closing on the house and then we'll really be going our own separate ways. If H was curious about not hearing from me for 2 days, he'll be in for a shock when I really don't have a reason to contact him except while his son is in town for the next month.
I should be able to pay my portion of the phone bill online or at the very least have BofA send him a check so he really won't hear from me unless he initiates it.
I'm a good person and I deserve someone who really cares for me. Maybe H will come around and maybe not, but no matter what I'll be okay. Sometimes I just need to remind myself of that.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
Thanks for the encouragement. I think I'm keeping on the right track.
Even though H is going out of town on Thursday, I haven't asked him about his plans for my SS10.
I'd love to watch him and would hope that I'd be asked first, since I am his stepmom, but I have no expectations that will happen.
When he gave up on our marriage, he was choosing the life of a single dad when his son is in town to visit. So as my MIL told me to do, I'm just going to sit back and let him figure it out. I'm not going to offer, but will gladly have him over if I'm asked.
So no expectations that I'll be asked first, but I do admit that I will be somewhat upset if he asks one of his friends to do it instead of me. I'm not going to dwell on it and will just wait and see what happens.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
