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Maggie,

Everything I've seen mentions that it's normally from 35-55, but I do have a friend who is a therapist who says it's possible earlier. My H has had depression before, so I think it may be a combination of both. He turns 33 on Thursday, so I'm afraid that's just going to make him feel worse.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
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I've now made it 24 hours with NC. I know we've gone that long before, but I hadn't made the conscious effort not to contact him. I will be giving him a birthday card on Thursday, but I'll just leave it in the mailbox. His LL are gifts and words of affirmation, so I don't want to ignore his birthday.

Tonight I'm going out with few friends to a happy hour. It's not really in my budget, but I can spare a few bucks to have one or two drinks and get out of the house. I'll just make sure to eat right before I go so I'm not tempted when I'm out. I'm trying to eat better anyway, so I shouldn't be eating out.

Yesterday I spoke with my mom and mother-in-law on the phone. My MIL is so concerned about her son and feels helpless that she can't do anything or even come to visit. I told her that if I thought H was able to listen to her, I'd figure out a way to get her here, but that he just doesn't seem ready for that. She knows that he'd probably do the opposite of whatever advice she gives him, so she's having a hard time trying to help him.

H had told me that he had depression back when he was in high school, so I asked her a little more about it. Come to find out, he was also depressed a few years after that and then again about a year before he met me. It usually happened when he'd get laid off from a job, which also happened last March when I was out of the country for a month. So I think that, plus his son moving away, just triggered it again.

She's hopeful that if he gets this other job that he's been interviewing for since March, he'll feel better about himself and realize that things aren't as bad as they seem and that he really does want to be with me; he's just confused.

She was glad that as messed up as he was on Wednesday that he contacted me because he knew I'd be there for him. I told her that I haven't given up on him. It must be difficult for her being so far away and not being able to do anything. Of course, I'm right here and I can't do anything either!

He has successfully made it through these other depressive episodes, so if that is what this is, I hope he'll come through this okay. I just hope that it'll happen before we're divorced. And I really hope that he does begin to see a IC, but I can't ask him if he is.

On the plus side, I did make a 4.0 on my two grad courses this semester. I'm glad I was able to keep it together enough to do that. And I'm so thankful that I found this site this month as it really helps to see that others are struggling with the same things that I am.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
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Good for you on your 4.0- dont feel guilty spending the money on happy hour since you are celebrating your awesome semester!


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
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(and by the way I'm also pretty sure my husband is depressed)


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 157
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(and by the way I'm also pretty sure my husband is depressed)


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 934
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Congrats on the 4.0. You deserve a celebration!

It must be so difficult dealing with H apparently in the depths of some kind of depression, coming up for air for a bit, and then sinking back down. It sounds like you are at least in a good place where you can step back but be there if he needs someone and feels like you may be the only person who responds to him when he reaches out. Although that seems to be counter-DB, it seems that the depression variable changes the equation a bit (the vets can feel free to correct me if I'm way off base). It does sound like he has a tough journey ahead of him but that he is also confused about the best way to achieve happiness (i.e. D then seeing if you can work out).

Hang in there, and keep eating wink

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Thanks Maggie and Vera! I'm still not sure how I did it with all the stress the past few months.

H just got let go from his job yesterday so I'm sure he's going to get worse before he gets better. I really want to be committed to DB, but I don't want him to feel completely abandoned. He knows the people he's hanging out with aren't good for him, but he really doesn't think he deserves better right now.

After work, I stopped by the library to check out all of the books I could find on men and depression, as well as one on midlife crises. Maggie, if I find anything useful or a really good book, I'll let you know.

Right now I'm trying to convince him to go and visit his family. He doesn't do well with too much free time on his own at the best of times, and with the house on the market, he won't have any home projects to keep him busy. So he'll either sit at home and feel worse, or go to the bars, hang out with the wrong crowd, and drink too much, which will also make him feel worse.

I think that being home and keeping busy with the family would take his mind off of everything. And I know his mom would feel a lot better if she could talk to him in person.

On the good side, H does have an appointment with a counselor or psychiatrist (not sure exactly which) tomorrow morning, so at least he recognizes that he's not in the right state of mind now. I just know it can't be fixed instantly, but at least I have some hope since he's making an effort.

As much as I'd like to save our marriage, my current focus is just making sure he saves himself. Anything else will be a blessing.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 157
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Red- I feel like I would reach out to him too. Did he tell you he lost his job? What if you just email or text him saying if he needs anything you're here for him? Maybe some of the others on here can chip in.


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 157
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Oh also- would it be good to ask him to do some projects around your house- especially if you may be putting it up for sale. That way he has something to keep him busy and occupied and maybe you complimenting him on his work will give him some self worth during this time.


Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 513
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OP Offline
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Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 513
Every little project that we needed done has been done in the last two years. We could repaint the outside of the house or remodel the master bath, but those are huge, expensive projects and we're just hoping to break even with a sale at this point.

I was trying to get him to visit his family because I know his mom could come up with some projects for him. I still haven't given up on that. He has dr's appointments the next few days, but maybe he'll go over the weekend.

He texted me in the afternoon about his job and later that night about when he'd be paying off the business expenses on our credit card. I found out that he was at his local bar, so I stopped in to talk to him on my way home after a girl's night out. I was dressed really cute, so I thought a reminder about what he's currently giving up might help!

And while it's totally against the grain of DB, I told him that I wasn't fighting for us to stay married at this point, but that I truly care for him and won't give up on him right now. I told him that when he realizes how good of a person he is and what/who he deserves, that I'd be willing to step away if he chooses to move on, but I won't give up on him because I know who he really is.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
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