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#2243537 - 05/07/12 10:40 PM Re: Any chance to make it work? I need advice [Re: sweetbabyred]
sweetbabyred Offline
Member

Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 512
Loc: Texas
So, I just got an interesting text from H. --There goes another one. I texted back and found out that the OW broke up with him since he's not actually divorced. That doesn't mean they won't get back together, but for right now it might be over. He still doesn't want to be with me, but I can stop seeing images of the two of them together for at least a day or so. But I find it interesting that as soon as he's upset over it, he tells me immediately.

So, now I found out that he wants to file immediately, so he won't have another girl break up with him because he's still married. So my hopes are really dwindling at this point. H said he'd stay in the house as long as his best friend still can, but won't be able to afford it on his own. I'm in an apt til September and may just have to move back in and short sale/foreclose on it, ruining my credit since the house is in my name. I truly think this is a MLC, but I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to deal with it. I will definitely be detaching now, and just hoping not to lose too much on the house. Looks like it'll be another sleepless night.
_________________________
M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13

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#2243751 - 05/08/12 05:41 PM Re: Any chance to make it work? I need advice [Re: sweetbabyred]
sweetbabyred Offline
Member

Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 512
Loc: Texas
--journaling

After finding out that H plans to go ahead and file, I was just in shock again. I haven't been this sleepless and queasy since last June when I found out about the first OW. And that he feels he needs to divorce so he can date other women and not have to worry about being dumped when they find out he's still married just annoys me. I miss the man that I met 6 1/2 years ago who became my best friend. I just don't know who H is any more and it scares me.

His best friend texted me for a bit yesterday and asked me if I really wanted to be with someone who would date young girls, drink too much, and hang out at strip clubs when times got tough. And of course I don't, but it truly seems like a MLC and that he's not acting like himself at all. Even though he seems to have moved past me, I don't want to abandon him if he's in a crisis.

I couldn't sleep last night and had to leave work after two hours because I just couldn't smile and pretend to be happy. I was afraid I'd either pass out or throw up. I was like this in June and thought I'd moved past this, but I guess I was just optimistic that we'd make it through.

Tonight a local church is having a divorce meetup and I think I may actually go. As exhausted as I am, I know I wouldn't sleep if I were here, so it's probably better to be around people who understand what I'm going through. And tomorrow night I have a girls' night out, so I'll be busy for a bit.

It doesn't help that I'm now stressed out over finances. Trying to figure out how to get rid of the house and knowing that I can't afford to stay in this apartment even though I absolutely love it. I didn't think I'd like any place as much as my house, but I've made it my own and it suits me perfectly. But with school and my occasional meltdowns I haven't had the opportunity to make as much money and I need a place that is several hundred a month less. I'll really miss my garage and all of my storage space, and I have no idea who I'm going to get to help me when the time comes, but I need to start figuring that out.

Assuming H files all of the paperwork right away, we could be divorced in as little as 61 days. Hopefully that will be enough time for me to get adjusted to the idea of being a divorcee. My H's birthday is next week, so it'll be a tough day for me. I'm just going to keep with the LRT, because I know what I need to change about myself to be successful in a relationship, even if it doesn't end up being with H. And just try to take one day at a time, even if the minutes seem to be going by so slowly.
_________________________
M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13

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#2243754 - 05/08/12 05:47 PM Re: Any chance to make it work? I need advice [Re: sweetbabyred]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/12
Posts: 934
Originally Posted By: sweetbabyred

H said he'd stay in the house as long as his best friend still can, but won't be able to afford it on his own. I'm in an apt til September and may just have to move back in and short sale/foreclose on it, ruining my credit since the house is in my name. I truly think this is a MLC, but I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to deal with it. I will definitely be detaching now, and just hoping not to lose too much on the house. Looks like it'll be another sleepless night.


S - why did you leave the house if it was in your name?

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#2244405 - 05/10/12 09:21 PM Re: Any chance to make it work? I need advice [Re: vera be fierce]
sweetbabyred Offline
Member

Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 512
Loc: Texas
One of the big reasons was because I didn't want to be in the house alone with all of the memories. I bought that house for us to live as a family and I don't want it otherwise. I can't afford the mortgage on the house, so it was better for the two of them to stay and pay the mortgage while I got a one bedroom apartment a mile away. And that way H has to deal with the inconvenience of home showings morning and night. I don't want a roommate and trying to find one who would understand that the house is on the market wouldn't be easy. I just wanted to escape the drama.
_________________________
M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13

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#2244407 - 05/10/12 09:35 PM Re: Any chance to make it work? I need advice [Re: sweetbabyred]
par4me Offline
Member

Registered: 10/05/05
Posts: 404
Girl, you sound like a catch to me. That is not a pick up line-that is not what this site is for. Everyone here experiences the same pain-waking up every morning thinking about him, doing it during the day, totally not understanding his actions. I just want to say to you that you are not alone in your grief. And facebook [censored], I hate it, my x uses it to try to bother me so I deactivated my account until a better time (like when I am truly over M). My x is dating a truck driver which no offense but we are both professionals with grad degrees. He is very different then me.

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#2244411 - 05/10/12 09:45 PM Re: Any chance to make it work? I need advice [Re: sweetbabyred]
sweetbabyred Offline
Member

Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 512
Loc: Texas
--journaling, but feel free to add comments, advice

I've been able to eat solid food for about two days now, so I guess I'm starting to feel a little better. I just miss the H that I had for the past 5 years before all of this happened. I'm not sure if it's depression, MLC, or a bit of both, but it's so tough to deal with. His best friend seems to have given up on him and his family is upset as well.

I'm not happy with his actions either, but my thought is that if everyone who loves him gives up on him, he'll think even less of himself and continue to find immature, unstable girls who will give him attention. He even admitted that she's not all that nice to him, but I guess it's better than nothing right now and he doesn't think he deserves better. If it is possible for him to come out of his fog, I want him to know that I'll be there for him.

Last night, I actually got a text from him about possibly needing to be picked up. Last year I told him that if he ever went out and drank and needed a ride home, to call me at any time because I didn't want him drinking and driving. He never took me up on that, so I thought it was odd that he did so yesterday. I was GAL, finally out on a girls' night, so I didn't see the messages until later.

I then found out he made it home and was drinking there. This is a man who never drinks at home, except maybe during the Super Bowl or 2-3 times a year when friends are over, because he didn't want to be like his father. I went to the house to check on him and eventually got him to stop and go to sleep. I hid his car keys and took the rest of the beer with me when I left, just in case he woke up and decided to continue.

Other than the house, our finances and property are pretty well separated, so we should be able to do an amicable divorce without a lawyer. If/when he gets the papers, I'm thinking of asking him to go to IC for at least 4-6 sessions before I'll sign them. I just want to know he's working on his issues and not trying to run away from them.

While I really don't want a D, I can deal with that as long as I know that he's okay and will have a better life because of it. But right now it just seems to get worse and worse. I feel so powerless to make anything better.
_________________________
M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13

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#2244451 - 05/11/12 01:00 AM Re: Any chance to make it work? I need advice [Re: sweetbabyred]
sweetbabyred Offline
Member

Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 512
Loc: Texas
---more journaling

Three hours later and I should be asleep since I'll be up in six hours, but I had an interesting conversation with H. I don't call him and try only to text when necessary, but I do answer if he calls. H mentioned before that I'm one of the only people who will answer/respond to texts right away. I think that's because I'm his W and not just a friend, but I didn't feel like explaining all of that to him. So I don't do a 180 there, since he actually likes when I answer.

Anyway, he wanted someone to talk to and I needed to find out more about his fight with his friend, since both of them make the house payment each month. I guess his friend moved out in the last day or so and isn't sure if he plans to come back. He said he can't stand to see H acting like a single guy since we separated last year and obsessing over everything. He is offering to pay for H to start IC and he agreed so I am ecstatic over that. The friend doesn't think the 20 year old OW is right for him and doesn't want to put up with the drama.

Then H says he's not sure if he wants to try again with OW because he kind of has his eye on someone else. I said, "oh, ok, I'm not even going to ask" and he said "really?". I said that it probably wasn't anything I needed to hear about, so I wasn't going to. After a long silence, he said it was me. I asked him to repeat himself since I wasn't sure if I'd heard him correctly.

H still thinks that we need to divorce and then we could begin casually dating to see if we can begin again. I think that's pointless. I can understand a couple choosing to divorce and then coming together years later after working on themselves, but planning to divorce and start dating? That makes no sense to me. That would give him the option to date other girls since he'd be single and still see me. I don't think I'd be okay with that.

H said that he's seen the changes that I've been making and knows that I'm doing them for me, so he thinks that maybe we could make it work, but he's just not sure. So I'm definitely not getting my hopes up about this. I just hope that the counselor or his family can make him see that divorcing someone he still thinks he could be with isn't normal. We'd have to agree to "irreconcilable differences" without hope of continuing the marriage, yet we'd be planning to date again?

H could change his mind completely by tomorrow morning so I'm not trying to read too much into any of this, but I just had to write it down so that tomorrow I'll know that this conversation did actually take place.

I love him, but I'm not going to compete with 20 year old girls to see who can win him. If he wants all of that drama, he can have it and we will just have to be friends. Especially if we end up short selling the house because his friend moves out because he doesn't want to deal with the OW drama and we have to separate all of our credit, insurances, etc. I don't think I'd be especially eager to try again.

The fact that this girl cusses all the time, gets into fights, and is "rough around the edges", not to mention putting him down, makes me really wonder what he sees in her. And I can only imagine the reaction his family would have if he brought her to a family gathering! And that she's younger than his 22 year old niece and just about 9 years older than his son. What is he thinking?

I just hope this IC is good and can make him start thinking things through pretty quickly. I'm not into drama and as much as I love him, I may just have to love him from afar.
_________________________
M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13

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#2244740 - 05/12/12 04:33 PM Re: Any chance to make it work? I need advice [Re: sweetbabyred]
sweetbabyred Offline
Member

Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 512
Loc: Texas
--journaling

Yesterday H called and asked me to come over. He made the initiative, so I didn't want to turn him away. I found out that he did go to the doctor and ended up getting a rx for Xanax. His doctor knows that he really doesn't like to take medication and thought that maybe antidepressants would be too strong, so he wanted him to start off with anti anxiety pills. Hopefully that will help him out.

He asked me at one point to tell him why I loved him and still believed in him. I've never been good at verbally expressing myself and my feelings, but as a 180, I'm trying to be better. I listed many reasons, but one was that he always had stories to tell me, especially when we first were dating long-distance. We'd spend hours on the phone and I felt that I knew all about him growing up.

After a few minutes of this, he mentioned that OW thought he was too sensitive and she didn't like his storytelling. That's who he is, so I don't understand why he'd put up with that. At one point, he told me that the reason he liked her was because she thought he was cute and she liked kids. But she doesn't like anything about him personally!

H also said that his best friend told him, that other than me, every woman he's dated had issues, and he thinks he has "broken bird" syndrome where he just finds hurt, broken people and tries to help them. H also said that he's realized that maybe he is actually falling apart, so I'm glad that he saw his doctor. I think he's also supposed to start counseling next week.

He also said that his friend thinks he should be by himself for awhile and not date anyone, including me. I told him that I was fine with that, because I'd been working on myself for the past year and he needed to be able to do that too, without trying to find love. And maybe this time by himself, without trying to date, will make him hold off on the divorce proceedings.

He is being more open and is telling me more about what's been going on. Some of it is hard to hear, but I want to know what's going on inside his head, even if he doesn't completely understand it right now. I told him that I wasn't trying to win him back right now, but that I truly believe in him and hope that one day he'll believe in himself again.

I know that he also got the forms to be able to file for D. I'm just hoping he keeps busy and doesn't have time to fill them out for awhile. I know that we could still get back together after D, but could I ever completely trust and/or remarry a person who completely went against his vow? I'm not sure about that.
_________________________
M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13

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#2244860 - 05/13/12 12:55 PM Re: Any chance to make it work? I need advice [Re: sweetbabyred]
Maggie3 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/28/12
Posts: 157
Wow our situations seem similar in many ways. I also think my H is having some type of MLC and they are around the same age. Have you found any info on MLC in not midlife? I've looked and found nothing.
_________________________
Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12

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#2244863 - 05/13/12 01:09 PM Re: Any chance to make it work? I need advice [Re: sweetbabyred]
sweetbabyred Offline
Member

Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 512
Loc: Texas
I sent a quick fb message to my stepson's mom for mother's day. She sent me a message back, stating that it was my day also, because as a stepmom, I had a special place in her and her son's hearts. It was so sweet that it made me cry.

I was always so busy planning the next step and project in my life that I never took the time to appreciate what great family I had. My in-laws and stepson's family completely accepted me. I guess that makes it even tougher to have to walk away from and keeps me hopeful that H and I will make it through.

I'm also having a hard time because on Thursday night H said that even though he wanted a D, he was still interested in seeing if we could work things out. And on Friday we spent several hours together that seemed to go well. And by Saturday he's back to telling me to move on and that he'll only be a distant memory to me at some point.

Normally I'd be busy working on the weekends and not be able to think about all of this but I haven't been able to get as many projects as before, so I'm also stressing about finances. And although I know that a H in MLC will take steps forward and then back, it's so hard not to take it personally.

I need to detach, but with the bf/roommate possibly moving out of the house, I need to find out what's going on in case I have to tell the bank that we might now be in a short sale situation. I've always had excellent credit, and although that's minor compared to everything else that I'm losing, it just s*cks that everything is falling apart around me.

If I find out that the roommate is back in and the bills will be paid as normal, I may try to go dark for awhile. H's birthday is on Thursday, so I'll send him a card, but after that there isn't really too much that we'd have to discuss other than the house. Maybe I can try NC for the rest of the month. I'm not sure if I've made it a week before, so that could be very tough. But last week my GAL activities made him interested again, so I know what I need to do.
_________________________
M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13

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