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#2246566 - 05/18/12 09:36 PM Re: Any chance to make it work? I need advice [Re: sweetbabyred]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/12
Posts: 934
Originally Posted By: sweetbabyred
he said that he was going out all of the time, just like he'd always wanted, except now it wasn't any fun. While I'd love to read more into and think that now maybe he'd want to settle down and spend time with me, I'm too smart to think that way.


It's good to not make that jump (and it is a bit of a logical jump) for your own sanity, but perhaps his wheels are turning and he'll be trying to figure out what *will* be fun for him. While he's pondering that maybe he can forget about the papers for awhile.

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#2246772 - 05/19/12 07:45 PM Re: Any chance to make it work? I need advice [Re: vera be fierce]
sweetbabyred Offline
Member

Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 513
Loc: Texas
Yes, I've learned that even if it's logical, I can't expect it. H hasn't acted very logical in the last year or so.

While he may never be happy with me again, I want him to realize that he's responsible for his own happiness.

As long as he expects someone else to make him happy, he'll always keep searching.
_________________________
M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13

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#2246775 - 05/19/12 07:53 PM Re: Any chance to make it work? I need advice [Re: sweetbabyred]
wishing, hoping Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 2784
Loc: Wisconsin
That's right. We know that but they can't realize it.
_________________________
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012
Two kids, one dog
D Final 6/18/14
"No matter where you go, there you are"

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#2246980 - 05/20/12 10:28 PM Re: Any chance to make it work? I need advice [Re: sweetbabyred]
sweetbabyred Offline
Member

Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 513
Loc: Texas
It's been an interesting few days. Yesterday over text, I mentioned to H having something (a family crisis averted) to be thankful for at church. He was curious to know how long I'd been going, so I just told him that I was starting and wanted to see if it was for me.

Years ago, long before he met me, he was attending church, and often I'd told him that maybe he should go back. His family attends every weekend (they live several hours away) and I know that they feel he'd be better with religion in his life. I had a friend last year tell me about Unitarian Universalist and that she thought I'd fit in there. I don't like to do things on my own, so I never went, but decided I needed to do a 180 and try it out.

Anyway, this morning I see on FB that H attended a megachurch with a friend of his. I was a little jealous that he had a friend to go with, while I had to brave it out on my own, but I was glad to see that maybe this is just another step to him getting his life together. And it doesn't hurt that if we're both attending church, that is one more thing that we have in common.

No expectations, no expectations. For someone who's always had life planned out 10 steps in advance, this is difficult, but I'm trying.
_________________________
M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13

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#2247122 - 05/21/12 12:42 PM Re: Any chance to make it work? I need advice [Re: sweetbabyred]
sweetbabyred Offline
Member

Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 513
Loc: Texas
I woke up at 4am this morning in a bad mood. I realized that I've seen and/or talked to H every single day last week, until yesterday.

And while I didn't have expectations that he'd fall back in love with me and want to work on things, it was nice to spend time with him and be able to talk. He did most of the talking and I just listened. Nothing I say will make a difference, so it's better not to remind him that I still want to work on the marriage.

And I did feel bad, because a lot of the reasons he's needed/wanted to contact me were because of all of the stressful things he's going through right now. And he doesn't want to burden his BF because he's afraid that might make him want to move out. But at the same time, he initiated all contact and he was my best friend for years, so I'd like a friendship to continue at least.

I need to send a quick text reminding him to call the insurance co. so we can get covered. They had some health questions for him and he's needed to call since Thursday but hasn't. I'll send the text, but then won't contact him at all. That is going to be unbearably hard, but I'd decided to do that last week before he started contacting me all the time.

He knows I'm here for him, but I'm not going to pursue anymore. He's having a medical procedure done on Friday and I wish I could be with him, but unless he asks, I'm not going to mention it.

And tomorrow night I'll plan to go to the divorce support group I went to two weeks ago. I feel that my sitch is different and I don't really fit in, but it will be good to be around other people.

I'm so thankful for this forum, where I can express my feelings and get helpful feedback. It's good to know that I'm not the only one dealing with an everchanging sitch and feeling confused all the time.
_________________________
M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13

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#2247279 - 05/21/12 10:23 PM Re: Any chance to make it work? I need advice [Re: sweetbabyred]
sweetbabyred Offline
Member

Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 513
Loc: Texas
So I sent the text regarding the health insurance. I nicely asked him to call if he hadn't already. He responded that he had and I thanked him for doing so.

Approximately 30 minutes later he called, asking if I could go over to the house to straighten it up for a house showing. He'd already declined it, but would get them to reschedule if I could get there. He said he was extremely busy, had a dr's appt., etc.

I was at my apartment, less than 5 minutes away, so I agreed. It only took me 15 minutes or so to get it ready to show and I don't want to have to turn down any showings as I'm desperate to get it sold.

Previously, I would have been annoyed that I had to go to the house but decided to look on the bright side and be thankful that he contacted me instead of canceling a showing. I put him completely in control of contact with the real estate company, so I would have had no idea that he canceled a showing.

His LL is words of affirmation, so a little while later I texted him to thank him for going ahead with the showing. He then thanked me for straightening it up for him. So while our interactions were positive, they were brief.

Until yesterday I'd talked to or seen him every day for several days. And while I had no illusions that we were getting back together, it was nice to see him. I know that he thinks he needs to stay away from me so that he can begin his new, happy life, but that doesn't make it any easier.

I've discovered that I really hate dusk. It gets darker and it seems like all the hope I have when it's sunny out just disappears. It's too early to go to sleep, but even when I do there's a good chance that I'll be up at 3 or 4am and not be able to go to sleep.

It didn't matter how bad things got between us last summer, I always slept better when H was in the bed next to me. And for a few nights last week I slept over at the house and had the best sleep I've had in months, even if it was just for a few hours. Now I have to figure out how to sleep on my own again.
_________________________
M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13

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#2248154 - 05/24/12 11:04 AM Re: Any chance to make it work? I need advice [Re: sweetbabyred]
sweetbabyred Offline
Member

Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 513
Loc: Texas
journaling, but feel free to respond

I didn't hear from H all day yesterday, but I knew he was working an event, so it didn't bother me as much as it usually would. I spent part of my day applying for more events myself (I'm an independent contractor in marketing) and when I saw an event that he'd be good for, I forwarded the email to him.

He got laid off almost two weeks ago and we're not sure if he's going to get unemployment, so he needs to make some money and he goes crazy if he has too much time to himself, so it would be good for him to just get out of the house.

When he left work, he texted and said I'd sent him a lot of emails. I just replied with a quick, sorry, and left it at that.

I went to sleep and he had texted me two more times, saying that it was okay, he really needed to look for work anyway and asked about my day.

About an hour later he texted saying goodnight and that message actually woke me up. I responded and then we texted off and on for an hour or so. He told me that he was going to stop dropping everything for his friends and finally put himself first, but that he had to stop hating who he saw in the mirror.

I told him that I was proud of him for making the effort and he said he was proud of me for my changes as well, although he didn't mention specifics. We may never get back together and that s*cks, but from the beginning I just wanted him to get back to the happy person I used to know, so I'll settle for that. I'm not going to give up hope though, at least not yet.
_________________________
M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13

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#2249202 - 05/28/12 02:26 PM Re: Any chance to make it work? I need advice [Re: sweetbabyred]
sweetbabyred Offline
Member

Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 513
Loc: Texas
Yesterday was a full day of GALing. I went back to the church I tried last week, and while it's still very difficult to go there on my own, it was nice, and one of the older women from last week recognized me and told me to sit by her, so I wasn't completely by myself.

At some point, I should make more of an effort to socialize, but right now I'm just trying to take it in and figure out if I belong there, but so far it's looking good. I just need to stop thinking about H also trying out a church because then I think, "great, we're both going, so it's something we almost have in common, but we're at completely different churches, so maybe he'll see it as another difference." That kind of thinking doesn't help and I need to do this for me.

Afterwards, I ran to the store to buy supplies to make cookies for a party I was going to. Normally I would have come up with an excuse not to go, but several of my friends were going to be there, as well as lots of people I didn't know, but I'd promised myself to take every opportunity to get out of the house that I'm offered.

I didn't get back home until almost midnight and after making tentative plans with another friend who lives about 30 miles away. She says that she never gets to see anyone either, so I told her that we could just meet at a Starbucks in between us and just chat. It didn't have to be anything fancy or planned out in advance.

All in all, it was a good day, but I was ready to get back home to my cat. wink
_________________________
M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13

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#2249435 - 05/29/12 11:54 AM Re: Any chance to make it work? I need advice [Re: sweetbabyred]
sweetbabyred Offline
Member

Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 513
Loc: Texas
The last two days have pretty much been NC, other than a few text messages about bills that need to be paid.

I know that I'm going to see him tomorrow since we both have dentist appointments at the same time.

For the past week or so, we'd been talking almost every day. I'd made it clear that I wasn't trying to get him back, (although I do want that, but he doesn't need to know right now), but wanted to still be friends. That seemed to be working okay, but now he's not contacting me.

He's a grown man, so I need to stop worrying about him. I know he's seen a counselor a few times and started attending church, so he's working on himself now.

I know that I need to let him do his own thing, or he'll never want to be back with me, but I just don't want to see him hurt again. I've been working on GALing and 180's. I know I have to learn to detach, but I just haven't gotten there yet.
_________________________
M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13

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#2250963 - 06/03/12 09:01 PM Re: Any chance to make it work? I need advice [Re: sweetbabyred]
sweetbabyred Offline
Member

Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 513
Loc: Texas
So the other day H mentioned that his IC told him that he should read the book "Codependent no more". I told him I'd heard of it and could check it out of the library for him.

I'd heard about it on this forum, but was too busy reading all of the other books, and I really didn't think that this one concerned me. It did look interesting though, so I checked out two copies and just started reading it today.

I can see that H is codependent as far as finding friends that he feels he has to take care of, but I seem to be codependent as far as he is concerned.

I think that most people should take care of their problems by themselves, but I am so concerned about H and how he's doing. I'm afraid he's drinking too much because he's depressed, but I know he won't do anything about it unless he wants to.

I'm now on the chapter on detachment and I'm really feeling that this might be what I need to do. I can still be friendly toward him, but I can't keep giving him suggestions and telling him that I'm concerned about his drinking.

He may be depressed, but at least he's in counseling, so he is working on it. I saw a quote this morning that seems to ring so true now.

&#8206;"You cannot save people. You can only love them" -Anaļs Nin

So as hard as it is, I need to let him live his life. He will make mistakes, but even if I could stop him, he wouldn't learn from that. When he's responsible for himself, he can then figure out what he wants. If he wants to work on the M, I'll be there, but if he doesn't that'll be okay too.
_________________________
M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13

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