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#2246519 - 05/18/12 09:52 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
When I mentioned earlier about taking the opportunity to establish the boundary about limiting communication to kid issues only, it was in the context of assuming that she did not know that that was a firm boundary. We often talk here about mind reading and how it does us no good. I would think that ought to work both ways.

If the communication boundary hasn't been firmly established, then it seems like you ought to set it in place. To my way of thinking, boundaries are great as long as all involved parties know what they are. If you wait until they are crossed to inform of their existence then that seems like a problem to me.

If on the other hand you are confident she understands this as a boundary, then I would agree, do not contact her. If not, then I stand by my original post on the matter.

Crimson, if you are truly ready to drop the rope, then by all means, do it.
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2246521 - 05/18/12 09:54 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: 2thepoint]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
And I agree with verab754 You do seem to be at a different place then even just a few short days ago. This is good!
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2246531 - 05/18/12 10:35 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: 2thepoint]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1289
She forced my hand.

She texted me and asked me if I would be picking S up from babysitter today - I have never NOT picked him up when I am supposed to.

I didn't respond.

She texted again 20 minutes later

"If I don't hear from you, I'll plan on picking him up". I waited about 30 minutes and responded "yes".

WTF? It's like she's bending my arm to get me to talk. I am hopeful that this is the last I will hear from her this weekend, but I doubt it.

I don't know if I am angry, tired, or what.....I just feel like I need to be "here" right now.

Zig, I see your point - but I don't think I am using my S as a pawn. I have been VERY careful not to do that at all. I just have decided for now that path that I was on - being excessively generous with time and communcation in the name of working on our R - is not good for now. Maybe it will be later, but right now I feel as though I have done a lot and I have just been attacked for it. Next week could be different - but I am done taking steps forward towards her. I am easy to find, and she knows I want to work on things at some point.

Crimson

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#2246554 - 05/19/12 12:11 AM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: ]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2536
Loc: Piney Land
Crimson take a deep breath. Set the boundaries about the TMs ASAP.. I have learned that sometimes people create a crisis when there isn't one. They do that to confuse and get what they want. So what I do is step back and observe. Listen and think. Than I act. Harder to do when you are emotionally involved but worth the try.
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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#2246578 - 05/19/12 02:14 AM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
Originally Posted By: Crimson
"If I don't hear from you, I'll plan on picking him up".


My W does this to me. Asking me about stuff that has already been established as a precedence.

Unfortunately, I don't have any different response than what you did, which is a single word answer if able.

So at this point, I am asserting the exact schedule as outlined in the SA. There are online, shared calendars that you might utilize to further prevent these times of momentary confusion she might be having.

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#2246587 - 05/19/12 03:22 AM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: ~ kd ~]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1289
Sorry I didn't answer your question, Zig. No, I do not meditate formally. But I have been trying to learn how. Believe it or not, it is very VERY hard for me to focus my mind into silence.

KD, it was by no means a moment of confusion (I would suspect you are being sarcastic!). She know very well that I know the schedule and that I ALWAYS am where I say I will be at the time I say I will be there. That's one of the few upsides to low-grade OCD....punctuality. She just wanted to force me to respond....she knows I have NEVER failed to pick up S when I am supposed to.

Holding this line is difficult, because everything in me wants her to not be in pain or hurt or miss our son. But I have GOT to get off of this roller coaster and she has GOT to start accepting the reality of what is going on here.

I don't know if any of this will ever help my cause to save my family....I won't lie and say that I don't want that still. In fact, I am fearful that closing her out will just push her away more - but bringing her in closer didn't do much good over the long term. Stop doing what doesn't work.....cheesless tunnels....and so on.

I am going to do the best I can to put her out of my mind and enjoy my son when I have him

Crimson

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#2246694 - 05/19/12 05:58 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: 2thepoint]
sandi2 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/28/07
Posts: 10988
Appologies, 2tP. I get overly passionate in my quest to help Crimson hold back from repeating his old responses with W. I shouldn't have taken a dig at you.
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

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#2246702 - 05/19/12 06:37 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: sandi2]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
No worries, Sandi. We're all rooting for the same team.
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2246720 - 05/19/12 07:48 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: 2thepoint]
scaredsilly Offline
Member

Registered: 01/12/12
Posts: 1219
"Believe it or not, it is very VERY hard for me to focus my mind into silence."
Ha! none of us in the same boat right now would have a minute of disbelief of this! ;-)
_________________________
M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing


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#2246726 - 05/19/12 08:03 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: scaredsilly]
adinva Offline
Member

Registered: 09/06/11
Posts: 2775
Loc: VA
What you describe is a characteristic of humans, not unique to you.

Do things that are hard, it's good for you!
_________________________
Adinva 48 H48
T22 M19 S16 S14
6/15/11 IDLY
6/11-12/12 in-home sep
12/16/12 H moved out
Nothing signed yet
____
Be the change you want to see in the world (Gandhi)

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