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#2246493 - 05/18/12 04:53 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
My personal opinion is that I think you are in a good frame of mind and perspective now. Just self check now and then that your actions aren't spiteful.

It is what it is...

My own sitch, I've been doing my best to be accommodating... perhaps a doormat, although to a much lesser degree than ever before...

In the end, in my case... "we" have been all over the place as far as trying to be flexible with schedules... that's not worked for "us"... (and by that, I mean me...) and my W has conceded same.

So we have a basis for which to settle into... and then once we have figured that out... we can introduce some variety into the schedule... and possibly into the R...

But things need to bake as they are, for now...

I suspect the same is necessary for your sitch...

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#2246496 - 05/18/12 04:58 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
sandi2 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/07
Posts: 10718
WELL IT'S ABOUT TIME!!!

No, you're not being vindictive and yes, she's using the baby, and no, DO NOT RESPOND TO HER COMMENT ABOUT "COMMUNICATING"! PLEASE!

If you are serious about dropping the rope, then don't respond to her tricks. Dropping the rope means that you aren't trying to show her in anything. Showtime is over! You don't care if she thinks you're pi$$ed or a jackass or whatever. And as far as an opportunity......(come on, 2thepoint) dropping the rope is not about taking opportunities or trying to show her your boundaries. You let go of the darn rope and let it drop in the sand, not use it to draw a line in the sand.

Don't let anyone talk you into responding to her. I'm telling you that you're doing the right thing. And I think it's okay to feel angry. If that's what it takes to stop you from going all (in Pup's famous words) melty-man. It's the first time you've had the spunk not to give in whenever she'd send you a picture of S. So, it didn't work. Next, she'll try something else. Probably try to make you feel guilty for not responding and asking about S. Want to make a little bet?
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

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#2246498 - 05/18/12 05:08 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
crimson - do you meditate?

i hope i don't come across as too critical, but to me it sounds as if you are both using the baby in your tug of war. you're both very angry at each other and from all you've written today, all i hear is wait until i get that baby , she's not getting anywhere near it.

please try and see this from a slightly different perspective. imagine if your baby was , say 10 or 12 yrs - the child would be picking up big time on this energy. i believe very strongly that most people don't realize that babies too pick up on these energies, no matter how you think you are hiding them.

i know you are hurting really bad right now - i imagine all the pain that you have been holding in since all this started, is cascading up and out, but you do have a baby, and you are BOTH that baby's parents.

i would like to ask you to be generous in this - to the point and beyond of altruism. if you need to fight over something, or hold on to something, choose something else, not your child.

i know this next bit will be hard to hear, but try to find some compassion for your wife right now, and more importantly for yourself. see how you are BOTH hurting - her anger is a front for deep pain and so is yours. it will give you a little peace, if not a lot, to go to that place inside yourself and say - 'we are both humans that err, and hurt and do stupid crazy sh$t, and there are no rules that say one person cannot do more crazy stuff than another"

give yourself that gift right now - force it on yourself , so that you can already begin your path to healing from these recent events

i hope you have a beautiful time with your s when you pick him up today - just allow his beautiful innocent energy to envelope you and while you hold him in your arms, send a warm loving thought to your wife, appreciating how because of her, you get to hold and have this child and then forgive her a little - it will make you feel so much better.

zig
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2246503 - 05/18/12 05:21 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: sandi2]
Crimson Online   confused
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1273
I will not make that bet, Sandi - because I fully expect her to text or SOMETHING this weekend (my guess is she'll ask "how's my BB doing?") and I am not going to respond. At all. Then she will text - probably pissed - that she is "disappointed" that I have not kept her in the loop about the baby and that she "hoped that we could be amicable". Just a guess, though.

Again - if she wants things to be better than this SHE can work on it. And yes, I know it will come back to bite me - she won't text pictures to me and I won't get to hear from him at all when I don't have him - I'm going to have to accept that.

For now, I am done. In a week, a month - who knows - but today I have kind of had it. I have worked too hard for her to tell me she "doesn't trust me", that "I am being manipulative", that my "flexibility has conditions"....and that "this is coming from a man who says he loves his wife and son". Too much for me right now....that pretty much tore it.

How do YOU think she will respond, Sandi??? Because if I can make it to Tuesday without talking to her I am going to do just that.

Crimson

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#2246512 - 05/18/12 05:43 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/12
Posts: 934
You sound a lot stronger than you did not so long ago. The transformation is very evident in this thread alone. Again, you know your situation best. You have clarified that not responding works for you. It's great to see you stating what YOU need to do for YOU.

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#2246515 - 05/18/12 05:48 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
bustorama Offline
Member

Registered: 06/26/10
Posts: 519
She'll get angry. She may get sad/tears. She will hurt. What's happening now is not her vision of how she wanted things to be. The same that it is not your vision of how you wanted things to be. Very emotional and painful time for both of you.

It's healthy to take this time to yourself to heal, not unleash, lash out, or ruminate angrily on her. Bond with your S.

I agree with Sandi that you should not get drawn into a conversation with her or have her reaction be a concern of yours.

If she keeps calling you over and over about non-emergent things with the S and crossing your boundary, you perhaps can restate your boundary as civilly as you can ONCE and only ONCE. "W, we agreed before not to talk unless it was an emergency related to our S until the D proceedings are done. That is what is best for me right now, and I am going to stick with it. I would appreciate it if you did the same. If you call about non-emergency things, I won't respond."

If you do this, it should be for YOU, not for HER (i.e., because her calling you about non-emergency things is stressful for you and makes it hard for you to detach from the situation, not because you are concerned about the effect you not responding has on her).
_________________________
Me-41
W-37
D10, D6, D3
T-Since 12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing begins-04/2011
Now-back together
My Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304

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#2246517 - 05/18/12 05:51 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: bustorama]
bustorama Offline
Member

Registered: 06/26/10
Posts: 519
It sounds like you are ok with not responding at all right now, though. She may (will) get more persistent in testing this boundary, so think ahead about how you will cope with or handle this to keep enforcing your boundary.
_________________________
Me-41
W-37
D10, D6, D3
T-Since 12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing begins-04/2011
Now-back together
My Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304

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#2246519 - 05/18/12 05:52 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
When I mentioned earlier about taking the opportunity to establish the boundary about limiting communication to kid issues only, it was in the context of assuming that she did not know that that was a firm boundary. We often talk here about mind reading and how it does us no good. I would think that ought to work both ways.

If the communication boundary hasn't been firmly established, then it seems like you ought to set it in place. To my way of thinking, boundaries are great as long as all involved parties know what they are. If you wait until they are crossed to inform of their existence then that seems like a problem to me.

If on the other hand you are confident she understands this as a boundary, then I would agree, do not contact her. If not, then I stand by my original post on the matter.

Crimson, if you are truly ready to drop the rope, then by all means, do it.
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2246521 - 05/18/12 05:54 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: 2thepoint]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
And I agree with verab754 You do seem to be at a different place then even just a few short days ago. This is good!
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2246531 - 05/18/12 06:35 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: 2thepoint]
Crimson Online   confused
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1273
She forced my hand.

She texted me and asked me if I would be picking S up from babysitter today - I have never NOT picked him up when I am supposed to.

I didn't respond.

She texted again 20 minutes later

"If I don't hear from you, I'll plan on picking him up". I waited about 30 minutes and responded "yes".

WTF? It's like she's bending my arm to get me to talk. I am hopeful that this is the last I will hear from her this weekend, but I doubt it.

I don't know if I am angry, tired, or what.....I just feel like I need to be "here" right now.

Zig, I see your point - but I don't think I am using my S as a pawn. I have been VERY careful not to do that at all. I just have decided for now that path that I was on - being excessively generous with time and communcation in the name of working on our R - is not good for now. Maybe it will be later, but right now I feel as though I have done a lot and I have just been attacked for it. Next week could be different - but I am done taking steps forward towards her. I am easy to find, and she knows I want to work on things at some point.

Crimson

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