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When I mentioned earlier about taking the opportunity to establish the boundary about limiting communication to kid issues only, it was in the context of assuming that she did not know that that was a firm boundary. We often talk here about mind reading and how it does us no good. I would think that ought to work both ways.
If the communication boundary hasn't been firmly established, then it seems like you ought to set it in place. To my way of thinking, boundaries are great as long as all involved parties know what they are. If you wait until they are crossed to inform of their existence then that seems like a problem to me.
If on the other hand you are confident she understands this as a boundary, then I would agree, do not contact her. If not, then I stand by my original post on the matter.
Crimson, if you are truly ready to drop the rope, then by all means, do it.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
She texted me and asked me if I would be picking S up from babysitter today - I have never NOT picked him up when I am supposed to.
I didn't respond.
She texted again 20 minutes later
"If I don't hear from you, I'll plan on picking him up". I waited about 30 minutes and responded "yes".
WTF? It's like she's bending my arm to get me to talk. I am hopeful that this is the last I will hear from her this weekend, but I doubt it.
I don't know if I am angry, tired, or what.....I just feel like I need to be "here" right now.
Zig, I see your point - but I don't think I am using my S as a pawn. I have been VERY careful not to do that at all. I just have decided for now that path that I was on - being excessively generous with time and communcation in the name of working on our R - is not good for now. Maybe it will be later, but right now I feel as though I have done a lot and I have just been attacked for it. Next week could be different - but I am done taking steps forward towards her. I am easy to find, and she knows I want to work on things at some point.
Crimson take a deep breath. Set the boundaries about the TMs ASAP.. I have learned that sometimes people create a crisis when there isn't one. They do that to confuse and get what they want. So what I do is step back and observe. Listen and think. Than I act. Harder to do when you are emotionally involved but worth the try.
M 51 W 51 D 18 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
"If I don't hear from you, I'll plan on picking him up".
My W does this to me. Asking me about stuff that has already been established as a precedence.
Unfortunately, I don't have any different response than what you did, which is a single word answer if able.
So at this point, I am asserting the exact schedule as outlined in the SA. There are online, shared calendars that you might utilize to further prevent these times of momentary confusion she might be having.
Sorry I didn't answer your question, Zig. No, I do not meditate formally. But I have been trying to learn how. Believe it or not, it is very VERY hard for me to focus my mind into silence.
KD, it was by no means a moment of confusion (I would suspect you are being sarcastic!). She know very well that I know the schedule and that I ALWAYS am where I say I will be at the time I say I will be there. That's one of the few upsides to low-grade OCD....punctuality. She just wanted to force me to respond....she knows I have NEVER failed to pick up S when I am supposed to.
Holding this line is difficult, because everything in me wants her to not be in pain or hurt or miss our son. But I have GOT to get off of this roller coaster and she has GOT to start accepting the reality of what is going on here.
I don't know if any of this will ever help my cause to save my family....I won't lie and say that I don't want that still. In fact, I am fearful that closing her out will just push her away more - but bringing her in closer didn't do much good over the long term. Stop doing what doesn't work.....cheesless tunnels....and so on.
I am going to do the best I can to put her out of my mind and enjoy my son when I have him