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Went out after work with a friend of mine last night. I try to GAL and keep busy when I don't have my son - it keep from focusing on "things" too much.

So it appears that Monday we have our initial settlement conference with L's and a mediator. Basically, they pick apart everything and say how much of everything financially and custody-wise she gets. It's going to be rough. We have never really had to face off in this process at all. It is going to be tough for me looking at my w in that context....very tough, and I am not looking forward to it at all. Already I am anxious about matters and that is just making it a bit worse.

Also, and I don't know if this is a blessing or a curse, but our telephonic hearing got moved to mid-June. More time, but at the same time - it's just drawing out.

I feel exhausted, incredibly confused based on what I hear and her actions - and just kind of sad on and off a lot. I am doing my best to distance myself, but it is hard when I start missing my son.

Trying to find peace, patience and acceptance.

Crimson

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Crimson - it sounds like you need to change your perspective some. When you have a few free minutes, google the following phrase:

"Celebrate what's right with the world dewitt jones video" and click on the link.

By celebrating what's right, we find the energy to fix whats wrong!


Me51 W53 S17 S14
M22 T25
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
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Crimson Offline OP
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Will do, 2TP.

Struggling today. Feels like I have been fighting off the urge to break down since I woke up. Miss my son terribly, dreading Monday.

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Crimson my date is June 5 so I understand the feeling. I too feel tired and lost but it aint the end of the world. You will survive this. I believe that you will not be in the same room. while the L negotiate. Remember it is just paper.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





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Crimson, Monday will surely not be your easiest day, but given your W's texting you about the letter she was composing, it will probably (not trying to mindread, here) not be easy for her, either. It could be that the actual mediation session will make her think again about pursuing the D further; it's not uncommon for (non-D) cases to settle out of court, no matter how contentious they have been, when it gets down to picking a jury.

Also, if it's just an initial settlement conference, it sounds like nothing has to be finalized Monday. As Rick said, you'll survive. Hopefully you can take some time to treat yourself and GAL this weekend so you'll be the best you you can be under the circumstances on Monday. Good luck.

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Working on it VB. We have a huge work function at a resort on Saturday that my company throws annually for employees and their families. Tough to go this year without w and s, but I am going to try and force myself.

As we really start to get to the meat of everything I think maybe the finality of it all will hit her - but maybe that is what she wants. She said she does not feel like I am an adversary or enemy - but IMO that's because I am not coming after any of her assest that she built through her career. This hearing on Monday is to determine how she gets mine.

Trying to be strong - but today was one of those hard days for reasons I can't really figure out. Hoping tomorrow will be better.

Crimson

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Crimson Offline OP
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GM....are ultimatums a good thing right now? Will it be received as "I have to have my way or I am not participating"?? Honest question - I don't know.

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"It was rather sobering to hear you say I am almost beyond LRT - no place to go from there, really."

But that's not the way I see it at all.

However, first things first.

"I DID tell my w that we need to talk before she books her travel. I really want to be able to gain some clarity on things."

IMO, it's a must! You owe it to everyone's future! Yours, your son's, and your wife's.

"Specifically, her version of working on the relationship."

You certainly need to know her version!

"I also want to convey that if we are BOTH working on things together I am very flexible in how we handle nearly all situations. Otherwise, I think I would most likely play everything by the book as dictated by the court. Is there a way to present that without it looking like I am dropping an ultimatum? Is presenting it at ALL a bad idea?"

Okay, stop just a moment. You say you want to hear what she means.....but you are already thinking about what you want to SAY before you even hear what kind of "relationship" she has referred to. You assume she means a MR, but I think you could be misled if you aren't careful. I said all of that in my last post, but you're still asking how you can present it to her, so I don't know if you're hearing.

By all means, ask her what kind of R has she been referring to in past conversations. Ask her to paint you a picture of what type of "working" does she have in mind. But DO NOT start telling her how willing you'll be and how hard you'd work, or what type of R you want. Ask her questions until you don't have to "guess" at anything any more. Least of all, what she expects from you in the near future!

Crimson, if that woman doesn't know how you feel and what kind of R you're willing to work for by now, then she NEVER will. She's the one that needs to do the talking, okay? How do you present it? You ask, ask, ask, and ask some more. That's all you do, just ask without telling her anything. Then, you leave it there. Don't agree to anything! That's right, that's what I said. Close the conversation by saying you have a lot to think about, or say you've got to get some sleep or whatever......but don't tell her what you're thinking.

Then come here to discuss it. Not that you don't have a mind of your own, but to keep you from jumping in too soon....like you always do.

If she is not talking about the same things as you are, then you need to find out now. If she doesn't want more than a friendship, or a co-parenting R, then you need to go dark. Going dark is the last resort technique "after" the LRT. It is written in MWD's DR, but a lot of people miss it. Basically, it says that you drop with rope completely, and move on. No more contacts except what's considered top priority about your son....and nothing more. You go by whatever the court dictates about child visitation.

That is not an ultimatum. An ultimatim is more like a threat to use in order to have control over another. That's not what you would be doing if you decided to do this.

Some part of you fear that she'll think you haven't changed at all. Some think she's testing you. But I fear that you are being set up for a very big fall. There's just something there that I don't trust. The way she tries to get you to agree to let her have the S on her terms and yet isn't willing (or so it appears) to do some of the giving. And how she seems to be all talk of working on some type of R (maybe, perhaps, who knows) but she freaks out if you say one wrong word.

Just as a H should make it known that he's not willing to stay in a sexless M till the end of time, so should he make it known that he won't be around to work on a R that she just D him over. But that's just my thinking.

I think you should have an answer to your question regarding being "open to working on a R".


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Sorry GM, I wasn't intentionally picking out your post by saying what I did. I thought I remembered posters in general telling him about ultimatums. However, yes I agree completely that he should not tell her he's thinking about going dark if she isn't interested in a more than being friends.

Crimson, to be clear here, I don't think you should tell her anything about what you intend to do. I mean, isn't that what you've been doing these past months? And if she is playing you by dangling your dream of getting back together in front of you, then you need to make precise decisions for your future that does not include her. Have your plan in place, so if she is not willing to work toward R the M, then you drop her immediately and go dark.

A WAW has to think she has lost you. Really lost you! This will be the only chance for her to see that she's thrown you away. Your W hasn't seen it throughout this separation. She hasn't seen what D from you would look like.

Let me say it again. You need to be very plain spoken so there will be no doubt as to what you are saying when you ask her what kind of R is she open to working on. If she tells you (without hinting around about it), then the next question would be how does she see her part in the work, then ask how she sees your part. No threats or ultimatums and no hasty agreements from you. Neither should you accept her beating around the bush. It's time she spoke up and spoke clearly. If she says she doesn't know what she wants, or doesn't know how she'll feel once the D is final, do not reply.

I think she has no doubts in your ability as a father. And, if she just talks about how she wants the two of you to work together co-parenting, or to be "friend-ly" parents, then ask her if that is what she was referring to when she said she would be open to working on a R. Get all your questions out there so you'll stop these endless guessing games of wondering what she means.

Remember, ask her questions. Do not try to convey anything you're willing to do, or not do. You end the conversation with her wondering about what you're thinking.

You know how 25yrs is always saying to keep the road home paved smoothly? Well, I agree with that up to a point (b/c each stitch is somewhat different), but I also believe the WAW needs the message to hit hard that she could no longer have you in her life. You could actually find somebody else to take her place! She may even be shocked to discover that being just friends with her is not good enough for you! You want a woman who loves you and wants to be a wife to you. Then if her interest is sparked, she needs to work to get you back. If it's too easy too quickly, her romantic interest stands a chance of bombing out (but we can talk about that later).


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Great advice, Sandi!!


Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.


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