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#2245938 - 05/17/12 09:51 AM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: labug]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1163
19, to be exact, CV. Much earlier we had discussed it and I told her I was willing to be flexible because she was showing signs of wanting to work on R....even said as much. Under those circumstances, I was will to do whatever it takes to help her heal and get our family back on track over time. Even if it meant her taking some time off back home with S for a few weeks.

Once she indicated that she didn't want to work on things, i.e. "I would encourage you to go find someone new and have more kids" - that was it for me. Now, I don't know if she was saying that out of anger to hurt me because she was pissed about the settlement hearing, but she said it. And I am taking it as she means it. My ability to be flexible in the name of repairing our lives together is gone. She wanted a lawyer, she wanted a divorce - then she can live with the terms that result from that.

For the record, even under the BEST of circumstances if I would have asked her for 19 consecutive days she would have told me to go to hell. EVERYTHING that I have asked for time-wise (and it hasn't been much) she has rejected- the holidays, parts of his birthday - and so on. I am surprised she doesn't have to book a third seat on the plane for her enormous set of balls.

Sorry, just hurt and angry and in disbelief. And, sadly, still in love. But I know it is time to let it go for now, possibly forever.

Crimson
_________________________
M: 40/W: 40
T:8 M:6
S: 3
Bomb: 9/10/11
W Files: 9/22/11
D: 7/12
W Moves out: 11/10/11

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#2245945 - 05/17/12 10:06 AM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: labug]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1163
Shaky - what happened in that one year waiting period you set for yourself? What was the period of time filled with? How did you act? How did your w act?

I ask because I am trying to figure out what to do. My friends say dating is not a wise option right now - and I am inclined to believe them there. Though, I do miss going out and enjoying female company - true story. I just know that I am nowhere NEAR emotionally available right now

Anyhoooo, just curious. You don't have to answer if you would rather keep it private.
_________________________
M: 40/W: 40
T:8 M:6
S: 3
Bomb: 9/10/11
W Files: 9/22/11
D: 7/12
W Moves out: 11/10/11

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#2245985 - 05/17/12 11:45 AM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1163
Had a nice talk with my mom this morning - who is no longer in the "w is evil" camp - though w would never belive that.

I didn't give much detail, but she kinda thinks W is confused and lost a bit too based on the mixed messages I get from time to time. I told her that it is pretty much time for me to pull back a bit because I don't think me being as "present" as I have been has helped matters much. Maybe it has made things worse.

After the "nasty-gram" she sent yesterday I find it best to not respond. Maybe she will feel bad about it after a few days - maybe not - but it was certainly over the line and intended to hurt me.

As I have said, I still love her tremendously and I STILL hope we can get things ironed out. But at this point, she needs to be away from me if this is to ever get any better.

Crimson
_________________________
M: 40/W: 40
T:8 M:6
S: 3
Bomb: 9/10/11
W Files: 9/22/11
D: 7/12
W Moves out: 11/10/11

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#2246106 - 05/17/12 05:10 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
sandi2 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/07
Posts: 10308
Crimson, you would have had the same outcome in court even if you had not tried to get her to tell you what her idea of working on a R was. Well, I suppose if you had been willing to let her have your S all the time, it could have gone worse.....for you. But if you had not made the attempt to talk about her intentions, you could have spent a good chunk of your life playing the same game and her holding all the cards. It appears that she is guilty of the very things she accused you of doing, only she doesn't see or own her wrong actions.

I hope you will apply "dropping the rope" b/c I think that is the only thing that will have any positive results. I may have already given you my picture of what dropping the rope is, but in case I haven't, I'll cut & paste it. This was to another poster quite some time ago.

"Imagine having a rope in your hand and the other end of that rope was tied around the waist of your W. You do not want her to leave you. You are fighting for your M. So, she is pulling with all her might to get free of you. She wants out of this R! The harder she pulls forward to get away.....the harder you hold back on the rope. You have both of your heels buried into the ground and both hands in a death grip on that rope. Do you have that picture in your mind? Okay, what would happen if suddenly you dropped that rope?

She is pulling so hard with her head looking forward......that when you drop the rope....she will nearly fall over! Suddenly she is free....nothing is holding her back! She stumbles and tries to get her balance. She turns around and looks at you to see why you let go. My question to you is....what will she see?

She does not need to see a man standing there doing nothing but pitifully staring back at her or she'll just walk on. If she sees that man has stopped paying any attention to her and has his mind on something else, then she will be curious to see what got his attention more than she could. She will begin to move in a little be so she can get a closer look. She may start to ask him questions about what he's doing and who he's seeing. She keeps getting a little closer b/c she almost acts as if she's forgotten that she is no longer held by that rope and she can leave. She is free....but she doesn't want to leave now that the man has dropped the rope."

Right now, you need a break from everything, and you need peace. If you'll drop the rope, you'll have peace....and whatever happens will be better for you than her offering you a few crumbs of false hope....only to shoot you down b/c she was wanting more time with the baby. If the day comes that she wants to be with "you" (not the baby), then there just might be a chance.

(((hugs)))
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

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#2246140 - 05/17/12 05:54 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: sandi2]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1163
Thank you for the rest of the "rope" story, Sandi. It makes total sense, and if you recall, it's exactly what happened the last time I went deep into LRT....stopped communicating....traveled a little bit. She became very suspicious and asked a lot of questions. Before you know it, we were back in MC. When I started "trying" again she eventually froze-up over time all over again. So here I am again.

I am dropping dropping the rope 1.) because I want to and 2.) I am short on options that still leave me with a shred of dignity. A few close female friends saw the heated e-mail she sent me yesterday and think that in a few days she will start feeling bad about it because it was a heated over-reaction. Frankly, I don't know if she will or won't - I just know that there is no way in hell I am reaching out to her after that.

It sux, because every thread of my moral fiber wants to talk to her...wants to make her NOT mad at me....wants her to want to work on things - but she is going to do what she wants to do regardless of my level of desire or participation.

Perhaps it was devine timing, but I had a psych appointment yesterday. I've been seeing this Dr. since October. She is the one that told me my happiness and self esteem have been pegged to however W feels about me at any given time. If she is "good" with me - I am fine. If she isn't - I am a mess. She was 100% right. Considering my w is on the rollercoaster right now - there is no way for me to remain mentally healthy and still follow/care about what she feels towards me. I have got to break that cycle.

She can leave, hell - she HAS. And I do not say this egotisictially because I KNOW that I have my issues to work on - but I think she is bailing out too fast and may have regrets someday. I have a lot of friends that are in my age cluster here in the city and the dating pool is savage, dirty and filled with various scratch and dent pieces that have more baggage than you can imagine. To find someone that loves you....truly loves you, is rare and hard to find. It's worth keeping if you have it - and it's worth fighting for if you've lost it. We DID love each other once - and I still do love and care for her deeply. I just can't keep going in the direction I was. It is going to hurt like hell, but I have got to drop that rope and not look back. I hope I can muster the strength to do it. I hope someday she finds the desire to come back.

Crimson
_________________________
M: 40/W: 40
T:8 M:6
S: 3
Bomb: 9/10/11
W Files: 9/22/11
D: 7/12
W Moves out: 11/10/11

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#2246145 - 05/17/12 06:12 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Quote:
I have a lot of friends that are in my age cluster here in the city and the dating pool is savage, dirty and filled with various scratch and dent pieces that have more baggage than you can imagine. To find someone that loves you....truly loves you, is rare and hard to find. It's worth keeping if you have it - and it's worth fighting for if you've lost it. We DID love each other once - and I still do love and care for her deeply. I just can't keep going in the direction I was. It is going to hurt like hell, but I have got to drop that rope and not look back.


I really like this, Crimson. Drop the rope and go live your life!
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2246159 - 05/17/12 06:50 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
sandi2 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/07
Posts: 10308
"I've been seeing this Dr. since October. She is the one that told me my happiness and self esteem have been pegged to however W feels about me at any given time. If she is "good" with me - I am fine. If she isn't - I am a mess. She was 100% right."

All who have read your story can agree with that Dr.

You're worth more than what your W has made you out to be! We who have kept up with your thread know that, but we want you to realize it.

"It is going to hurt like hell, but I have got to drop that rope and not look back."

Do you honestly believe it will hurt more than what you've already experienced? I'm not trying to tell you how you feel, but I wonder if you aren't feeling the worst right now. When we've been through the hardest part of "anything" then the rest of it doesn't seem quite as bad. This has been the day you've dreaded all these months. This has to be the hardest part, don't you think?

"I hope I can muster the strength to do it."

You already have the strength, Crimson! You have grown in leaps & bounds....remember? Believe in yourself! Someday, you will be telling your son that who & what kind of man he is does not depend on what some woman thinks of him.....but on what "he" thinks of himself. You will be a living testament to that piece of advice!
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

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#2246205 - 05/17/12 09:08 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: sandi2]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1163
Well, Sandi - maybe it will and maybe it won't. The pain of missing her hasn't died down much - it still aches my heart. Once she has a new boyfriend that is gonna be a dagger. Who wants the woman that they love with another man? Sleeping together in the bed that you bought for her? Male ego stuff? Yeah - probably. But I have a hard time reeling that in. And still to this day I am always compelled to text her and tell her about things that happen during the day - things that remind me of her or something we did together. Over the last few months, the we were kind of able to do that. It will hurt letting that go completely. Just being honest.

Thank you for the kind words, Sandi - you have been helping me a great deal from day one....challenging my thinking, call me out on BS if I put it out there, helping me grow, open my eyes and evolve. I don't know if my WAW will ever come back - but either way I owe you.

Crimson
_________________________
M: 40/W: 40
T:8 M:6
S: 3
Bomb: 9/10/11
W Files: 9/22/11
D: 7/12
W Moves out: 11/10/11

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#2246273 - 05/18/12 01:22 AM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
bustorama Offline
Member

Registered: 06/26/10
Posts: 519
Originally Posted By: Crimson
I am dropping dropping the rope 1.) because I want to and 2.) I am short on options that still leave me with a shred of dignity.


Dropping the rope is also accepting her and her wishes. Isn't that respecting her the most? "You want to pull away from me and D me? OK, W (drop rope)"

Originally Posted By: Crimson
A few close female friends saw the heated e-mail she sent me yesterday and think that in a few days she will start feeling bad about it because it was a heated over-reaction.


No doubt. That you are so anxious that she is/was mad at you and want to do something to make her less mad at you, to soothe things over has been part of the ongoing problem. You have been owning your W's anger and unhappiness (and even anticipating it, seeking to head it off, corral it, keep it at bay, under control, for fear that she might "REALLY" leave you, D you, etc.).

Let her be mad at you, blame you, SEETHE at you. Let her D you. Let her work through all of her emotions and figure it all out for herself. It's not your responsibility to manage or control or head off her emotions. Don't own her anger or take responsibility for it or try to fix it or defend yourself against it or justify yourself in response to it.

"I'm sorry you feel that way, W."

or, instead of just giving the silent treatment,

"I'm sorry you feel that way, W. I get that you are really upset and disappointed about this situation. I can't respond to you, though, if you are going to communicate with me with such hostility." Boundaries are especially useful if you communicate to others what they are. That way they can choose to mind them (or not), instead of having to mind read your intentions.

Originally Posted By: Crimson
Frankly, I don't know if she will or won't - I just know that there is no way in hell I am reaching out to her after that.


That's right, don't accept crap behavior from her or anyone else. You can acknowledge/validate her anger/disappointment, etc., but don't accept her being verbally abusive to you or let yourself be guilt tripped.

Originally Posted By: Crimson
It sux, because every thread of my moral fiber wants to talk to her...wants to make her NOT mad at me....wants her to want to work on things


This is exactly part of the problem. It is the fixer/controller in so many of us. Let her be pissed off. Let her not want to work on things. This is you pulling back on the rope. DROP IT.

Originally Posted By: Crimson
Perhaps it was devine timing, but I had a psych appointment yesterday. I've been seeing this Dr. since October. She is the one that told me my happiness and self esteem have been pegged to however W feels about me at any given time. If she is "good" with me - I am fine. If she isn't - I am a mess. She was 100% right.


In other words, you are (still) not detached. Has your Dr. given you suggestions on how to detach from your W and the R?

Originally Posted By: Crimson
- but I think she is bailing out too fast and may have regrets someday. I have a lot of friends that are in my age cluster here in the city and the dating pool is savage, dirty and filled with various scratch and dent pieces that have more baggage than you can imagine. To find someone that loves you....truly loves you, is rare and hard to find. It's worth keeping if you have it - and it's worth fighting for if you've lost it.


Let her figure this all out herself. You can't show her or tell her. She doesn't feel this way now -- not your responsibility to wait for her or convince her otherwise. She's a grown, thinking woman.

Originally Posted By: Crimson
I hope I can muster the strength to do it.


This you have total control over. So, more than hope, do.

Originally Posted By: Crimson
I hope someday she finds the desire to come back.


This you have no control over. So, better to detach from it.

Crimson [/quote]
_________________________
Me-41
W-37
D10, D6, D3
T-Since 12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing begins-04/2011
Now-back together
My Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304

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#2246305 - 05/18/12 08:14 AM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: bustorama]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
crimson, so sorry for your pain and what you are going through. i really hope you can find peace soon, as you 'drop the rope'

it probably doesn't make you feel any better, but i'll say it anyway. everything i've read on this page - your posts and the responses and advice you're getting, is tremendous for me right now. so at the least, realize that what you are going through - all your pain - is also giving others a chance to get to the place they need to get to, maybe a bit sooner than they would have on their own...

what your C said to you - i got the exact same a couple of days ago - a bit more brutally, and it's a painful message to receive, but really an important one - it is the heart of our difficulties - this tie that we insist on allowing, even though everything and everyone around us is screaming 'drop that rope" - it's almost like we can't hear that message and realize that that is the ONLY thing that can save us and possibly save the situation.

i read somewhere, that only when the need for relief from the pain gets bigger than the pain itself are we finally able to let go. so focus on wanting the relief MORE than you want the pain, and it will help you in that direction

take care
zig
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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