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#2246205 - 05/17/12 09:08 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: sandi2]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1286
Well, Sandi - maybe it will and maybe it won't. The pain of missing her hasn't died down much - it still aches my heart. Once she has a new boyfriend that is gonna be a dagger. Who wants the woman that they love with another man? Sleeping together in the bed that you bought for her? Male ego stuff? Yeah - probably. But I have a hard time reeling that in. And still to this day I am always compelled to text her and tell her about things that happen during the day - things that remind me of her or something we did together. Over the last few months, the we were kind of able to do that. It will hurt letting that go completely. Just being honest.

Thank you for the kind words, Sandi - you have been helping me a great deal from day one....challenging my thinking, call me out on BS if I put it out there, helping me grow, open my eyes and evolve. I don't know if my WAW will ever come back - but either way I owe you.

Crimson

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#2246273 - 05/18/12 01:22 AM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
bustorama Offline
Member

Registered: 06/26/10
Posts: 519
Originally Posted By: Crimson
I am dropping dropping the rope 1.) because I want to and 2.) I am short on options that still leave me with a shred of dignity.


Dropping the rope is also accepting her and her wishes. Isn't that respecting her the most? "You want to pull away from me and D me? OK, W (drop rope)"

Originally Posted By: Crimson
A few close female friends saw the heated e-mail she sent me yesterday and think that in a few days she will start feeling bad about it because it was a heated over-reaction.


No doubt. That you are so anxious that she is/was mad at you and want to do something to make her less mad at you, to soothe things over has been part of the ongoing problem. You have been owning your W's anger and unhappiness (and even anticipating it, seeking to head it off, corral it, keep it at bay, under control, for fear that she might "REALLY" leave you, D you, etc.).

Let her be mad at you, blame you, SEETHE at you. Let her D you. Let her work through all of her emotions and figure it all out for herself. It's not your responsibility to manage or control or head off her emotions. Don't own her anger or take responsibility for it or try to fix it or defend yourself against it or justify yourself in response to it.

"I'm sorry you feel that way, W."

or, instead of just giving the silent treatment,

"I'm sorry you feel that way, W. I get that you are really upset and disappointed about this situation. I can't respond to you, though, if you are going to communicate with me with such hostility." Boundaries are especially useful if you communicate to others what they are. That way they can choose to mind them (or not), instead of having to mind read your intentions.

Originally Posted By: Crimson
Frankly, I don't know if she will or won't - I just know that there is no way in hell I am reaching out to her after that.


That's right, don't accept crap behavior from her or anyone else. You can acknowledge/validate her anger/disappointment, etc., but don't accept her being verbally abusive to you or let yourself be guilt tripped.

Originally Posted By: Crimson
It sux, because every thread of my moral fiber wants to talk to her...wants to make her NOT mad at me....wants her to want to work on things


This is exactly part of the problem. It is the fixer/controller in so many of us. Let her be pissed off. Let her not want to work on things. This is you pulling back on the rope. DROP IT.

Originally Posted By: Crimson
Perhaps it was devine timing, but I had a psych appointment yesterday. I've been seeing this Dr. since October. She is the one that told me my happiness and self esteem have been pegged to however W feels about me at any given time. If she is "good" with me - I am fine. If she isn't - I am a mess. She was 100% right.


In other words, you are (still) not detached. Has your Dr. given you suggestions on how to detach from your W and the R?

Originally Posted By: Crimson
- but I think she is bailing out too fast and may have regrets someday. I have a lot of friends that are in my age cluster here in the city and the dating pool is savage, dirty and filled with various scratch and dent pieces that have more baggage than you can imagine. To find someone that loves you....truly loves you, is rare and hard to find. It's worth keeping if you have it - and it's worth fighting for if you've lost it.


Let her figure this all out herself. You can't show her or tell her. She doesn't feel this way now -- not your responsibility to wait for her or convince her otherwise. She's a grown, thinking woman.

Originally Posted By: Crimson
I hope I can muster the strength to do it.


This you have total control over. So, more than hope, do.

Originally Posted By: Crimson
I hope someday she finds the desire to come back.


This you have no control over. So, better to detach from it.

Crimson [/quote]
_________________________
Me-41
W-37
D10, D6, D3
T-Since 12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing begins-04/2011
Now-back together
My Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304

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#2246305 - 05/18/12 08:14 AM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: bustorama]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
crimson, so sorry for your pain and what you are going through. i really hope you can find peace soon, as you 'drop the rope'

it probably doesn't make you feel any better, but i'll say it anyway. everything i've read on this page - your posts and the responses and advice you're getting, is tremendous for me right now. so at the least, realize that what you are going through - all your pain - is also giving others a chance to get to the place they need to get to, maybe a bit sooner than they would have on their own...

what your C said to you - i got the exact same a couple of days ago - a bit more brutally, and it's a painful message to receive, but really an important one - it is the heart of our difficulties - this tie that we insist on allowing, even though everything and everyone around us is screaming 'drop that rope" - it's almost like we can't hear that message and realize that that is the ONLY thing that can save us and possibly save the situation.

i read somewhere, that only when the need for relief from the pain gets bigger than the pain itself are we finally able to let go. so focus on wanting the relief MORE than you want the pain, and it will help you in that direction

take care
zig
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2246308 - 05/18/12 08:36 AM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: zig]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/12
Posts: 934
^^great words from busto. I feel for you, Crimson.

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#2246335 - 05/18/12 10:44 AM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: vera be fierce]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1286
Thanks Busto, Zig et. al. -

Busto, you once again hit the nail on the head. I have always attacked things from the point that I can get her to see things in me, that if I could keep her happy maybe she would see things differently. Nope - doesn't seem to be the case. She is going to have to make her own conclusions on divorced life and what it is going to be like. Thus far, I think I have been emotionally subsidizing a small part of it for her. I gotta stop. It does nothing.

Divorce is ugly, L's are ugly....and someone here on these boards told me long ago that I have to learn to separate my W from my L or I will be consumed by anger. I did that, and it has helped. She hasn't - and that is why she was so angry about the results and proceedings at the settlement hearing.

There had been no communication between us AT ALL since she sent the crappy e-mail earlier this week. It's probably the longest blackout we've had since we started back at counseling. I was getting ready this morning and my cell rang and her picture came up. I literally said out loud to myself "oh hell no!" and didn't pick it up. She left a message. It was her having S leave me a voicemail "Hi daddy!" and so on. She was on her way to drop him off with the baby sitter - I pick him up from there tonight and have him till Tuesday night. I am guessing she was trying to throw a little peace offering out there (perhaps?) so that I will let her talk to him/see him while I have him this weekend and beyond. I think I'm going to pass on that. Like I said, I think I am winding down the emotional subsidies until I think we are BOTH at a point that we want to work on the R -- if that point ever comes.

Crimson

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#2246336 - 05/18/12 10:45 AM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1286
I meant separate my wife from HER lawyer^^^^^^

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#2246338 - 05/18/12 10:49 AM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/12
Posts: 934
Good for you for not answering.

You say "peace offering," I say "manipulating." Potato, potahto.

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#2246432 - 05/18/12 02:25 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: vera be fierce]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1286
Soooo, about an hour after her first call I saw her work number flashing on my phone again. And, like the first time, I did not pick up.

She left about a minute long message - initially letting me know that the baby had a runny nose and cold, asking if I had experienced any problems with him pooping, and so on.

Then she said "I'm kind of bummed out that we're back to square one again and not communicating. I'm hoping we can at least communicate about the baby". She sounded rather sad in tone.

I'm still not biting - I think I am going to hold my ground this weekend and not reach out unless it is a for SURE emergency.

I didn't put us here at square one again - I honestly think her inability at the moment to be civil did - not to be casting blame, but even though I have my role in ALL of this I really did my best to be open, available and communicative. I don't want to play games - but I think it is long overdue for her to feel the backlash of everything that is going on. I am not going to absorb any more of it for her.

Just found it interesting that she called TWICE this morning. In all honestly, I wouldn't even know what to say to her right now.

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#2246435 - 05/18/12 02:31 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2517
Loc: Piney Land
Hard stuff man. Don't let the anger get to you. keep moving forward
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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#2246446 - 05/18/12 02:54 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Rick1963]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/12
Posts: 934
Could you maybe reply with a simple text or email saying you didn't notice any "poo" problems and leave it at that (since it is about your child's health, though not an emergency?) Just a thought. I don't have kids so I'm not up on what constitutes a poo emergency.

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