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i like it..
Originally Posted By: sweetbabyred

So as hard as it is, I need to let him live his life. He will make mistakes, but even if I could stop him, he wouldn't learn from that. When he's responsible for himself, he can then figure out what he wants. If he wants to work on the M, I'll be there, but if he doesn't that'll be okay too.


this is something i am working on.


m:31 W:32
M:8 T:11
S:10
D:5
Bomb:1/07/12
Separated:4/23/12
Divorced: 12/12/12

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Originally Posted By: heartbrokeinsd
i like it..
Originally Posted By: sweetbabyred

So as hard as it is, I need to let him live his life. He will make mistakes, but even if I could stop him, he wouldn't learn from that. When he's responsible for himself, he can then figure out what he wants. If he wants to work on the M, I'll be there, but if he doesn't that'll be okay too.


this is something i am working on.


^^we all are!

SBR I am glad you are finding the book helpful. I am up to about chapter 13 and I have been recommending it on many threads. There is a lot to learn and process in there.

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Yes, I know I needed to detach, but I kept trying to convince myself that my sitch was different. Reading this book has made me realize that it's not. So now I just need to follow through!

Interesting thing happened today. I knew that H was hanging out at the pool of one of his friends. He met these two women last summer right after their husbands had left them. Even though they both have kids, they were through with their divorces by mid-summer.

I've met them both and they're nice enough. I'm actually FB friends with one and saw that the other had tagged a pic of the three of them at the pool. The tag line said "my best single friends".

a At first, I was annoyed, because H has not even filed, so he's definitely not single, but it wasn't his post and I can't do anything about it, so I decided not to give it another thought.

I thought his sis and mom might be annoyed by it, but I'm detaching and it's just a stupid pic, so I'm not going to think about it too much.

Anyway, a few minutes ago, I got a call from H. Mind you, we pretty much communicate only by text unless it's an urgent issue about a house showing, etc. so I thought it must be important.

He called because he thought I'd probably seen the pic of him and his friends and he wanted me to know that he had no idea what she'd written until he saw it posted. I totally acted calm and collected and said that I saw it, but it wasn't a big deal.

Then we talked for a few minutes about his friends teenage daughters and how he's really trying to figure out if he could handle having a daughter. I just listened and didn't say much.

He's pretty much called me his ex since last summer, except not around family, and has been dating, so I can't figure out why he'd be concerned that I'd be upset over a caption. Oh well, I'm not a mind reader and even though I thought I really knew him, I know I'll never figure him completely out. And that's probably a good thing.

He showed concern for my feelings and spent hours at the pool without drinking any beer, so I'm going to just look at the positive.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
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I hadn't realized how long it's been since I've last posted. I've been reading the posts every day, but really haven't had much to say.

Last weekend one of my best friends came to town, with her new fiance. She'd been dating a guy for 7 or 8 years and finally realized it wasn't going to work, so they finally broke up in February. She then started dating a guy at work, who seems really nice, got engaged, and then found out that she was pregnant.

I'm really happy for her, but we have so much in common that even our parents aren't sure we aren't sisters! So while I'm so excited for her, it was hard to know that she'll be a mom by Christmas and I'm not sure what I'll be doing, but I definitely won't be a mother.

My H has known her almost as long as me, so he met up with us on two occasions for meals. The first, he invited himself along to, and then acted strangely the whole time. They'd always kidded that my friend could have his baby since I was pretty sure I wanted adoption, so when he found out that she was pregnant, he just said something about "her oven" not being available any more.

Then he said that he had a friend who already had kids, who was willing to be a surrogate, but he'd have to pay her. My friend asked who the mother would be and H said he'd just steal one of my eggs! So she just asked why he wouldn't just have a child with me. It got a little more uncomfortable after that, and H later said that he felt that we ganged up on him and that he was just joking about his other friend.

He also said that he was kind of upset because he's seen me making all of these changes and he just wished that I'd made them before. A few days before, his mom was in town and we all went to dinner with his friend, the roommate.

My MIL loves me and wanted to spend time with me, so I agreed to the dinner. H proceeded to tell his friend all about my swimming classes and a few other things I was doing, even though we were discussing something completely different.

He's definitely very confused, but I'm not sure if he'll ever figure out what he wants. In the next week or so, I may bring up the idea of Retrouvaille, but I don't want to scare him off.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
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Yesterday I was feeling a little better about my sitch because AJM told me I was on the right track by being available to H since he's had issues being abandoned by others.

Then I got a text at 12:30am wanting to know if I would give H a ride to work since he'd had to leave the work vehicle on site and if he drove there, wouldn't be able to get both vehicles off site after the event.

I was annoyed because he has so many new friends that he hangs out with all of the time, but can't count on any of them to help him out. So when he needs something, he can count on dependable, responsible me.

So I'm actually wondering now if I should 180 and not be as available or dependable as he thinks I am. I had to wake up an hour earlier, at 5:30 am to take him since it was completely out of my way to work.

We haven't sold the house yet, so I still need his income to pay the mortgage, but I'm thinking if the house does close at the end of July, I just need to cut him off and let him see what life really is like without me.

His own mother tells me that I'm being too nice to him and if he's chosen to live on his own, I need to let him suffer the consequences, even though she's heartbroken by his decisions.

After I dropped him off, I messed up and texted him that I was tired of being the responsible and dependable one and that I realized he'd never see me as being someone he could have fun with.

It's so annoying to have him drop everything for his friends and go out of his way for them all the time, but I'm the only one he can count on. It wouldn't bother me so much if I was able to spend fun time with him, but I just get the times when he has no one else to count on.

I just have to hope that the house inspection and financing goes through and we can close on july 30. Maybe then I'll really be ready to drop the rope and let him loose.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
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I think I may have my house sold. I'm paying to get out of it, and losing a ton of money, but it'll be one less thing to deal with. Then H can contact me if he wants, but he can't say that I'm trying to hold onto him with the house.

It'll be sad to see it go, but the day he said he didn't know if he wanted to be with me I knew I had to get rid of it and I haven't lived there in almost a year, so it's time to let go.

It's a little disappointing that one of my big goals was to own a house by 30 and to be in a happy relationship. I achieved both of those by 30, but it looks like I'll have neither one by my 35th in October.

I guess I should make the goal more about sustaining the achievement and not just getting there.

This week H worked two days at one of the events I was at. I was the team lead and my boss for the week at one point mentioned what a cute couple we were. That was a little awkward, but I hadn't wanted to get into the whole separation issue because after this project was over, I'd most likely never see her again as she works in NY.

H was concerned that I'd told people we were together. I wouldn't have even mentioned we were married, except that we were wearing name tags and someone was bound to realize we had the same last name. Not to mention that he got hired because he said that his W, me, referred him. That company loves me, so they put him on the event.

I think it's funny that he'll claim me as his wife if it benefits him, but god help me if I tell someone he's my husband.

While he's in between jobs, he's been working events in my industry and finally getting an idea of the amount of work/stress that I deal with.

Maybe now he'll finally realize why I didn't want to go out at night at the last minute when I still had another long day the next day.

Not that it'll change our sitch, but maybe he'll realize how hard I worked and that it wasn't all fun and games.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
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Yesterday I got a text from a friend that her long term boyfriend was out of town, so she invited me over for a girl's night happy hour. Normally I wouldn't want to do something so last minute, but in keeping with my 180's and GALing I responded that I'd love to.

There ended up being five of us there and we had a great time. They're all women that I work events with off and on, but we normally don't get to spend time together socially.

It felt great not to spend a Friday night working or home alone in my apartment. And it was nice that H called and instead of answering, I sent him a text that I was out with friends, but he could text if he needed anything about the house sale, etc.

So far I'm 4 for 4 in accepting invitations to gatherings when I'm not already scheduled to work. It's nice to get my mind off of my sitch for awhile.

Otherwise, I sit at home and read books on relationships. I'm not sure if anything I'm learning can be used to improve my M or if I'm just learning how to be a better partner for a future relationship.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
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Posts: 2,595
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Hi SBR- I totally relate to you when you say if the books will help improve the M or being a better partner for a future relationship.vi guess the way we are supposed to think that they are one in the same. A future M with current H will still be a future, 'new' relationship. S either way you will be better off.

At least that's how I have been trying to interpret it because sometimes I read and I think ' I am not in a 'M anymore so why does it matter' but it does. For all of us.

Great work on being 4 for 4 with the invites!!


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
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Bustingout,

I like the way you think about that. If we did ever reconcile, it would be to start a completely new M, where we'd communicate better and put each other first, before other friends and family, so it would be a new R.

I think that perspective will make it a little easier to digest the info that I'm taking in. It was getting depressing thinking that all of this info would have been helpful over the past 6.5 years that I've known H, but that it might be too late for us.

I'm a different, better person for going through this, so I can't expect, or even want, things to go back the way they were.


M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13
Joined: May 2012
Posts: 2,595
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It was getting depressing thinking that all of this info would have been helpful over the past 6.5 years that I've known H, but that it might be too late for us.

I could not have phrased it differently. That is exactly how I was thinking..especially when reading How to improve your marriage....

But I have learned from that already. And that cant be taken away and now can be used when needed for any future R.

Stay smiling....


TPS
Me: 44 H: 42
M14 T17
S10 D7
10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month
21/04/12 H is 'DONE'
04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010)
July '14 H ends affair
May '15 H moves back home
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