Any chance to make it work? I need advice

[scaredsilly]

"H agreed, came over, and showed me a text he’d sent to a friend asking her not to contact him since she didn’t treat him very well. I said I didn’t want to know about it, but was glad he was being strong. Not 15 minutes later, she calls and texts, saying that she was hanging out with a guy and he tried to attack her. So, of course, H has to go save her, saying that he doesn’t want to be her friend, but can’t let her stay in danger. He is the type of guy to do that, so I just asked him to hurry up and drop her off."

he agreed and you let him get away with breaking the agreement. as dr. phil says, you teach people how to treat you. next time, tell him to go get her/him/whomever and not come back.

just my opinion.

[scaredsilly]

oh, and if he uses SS again as a pawn, just say, "so be it".

[sweetbabyred]

Right now my priority is to spend time with SS and try to keep him away from any emotional messes.

Once he is gone on the 20th, I think I'm going to declare a boundary of not even being able to try to be friends with H as long as he's still friendly with these people. He says he's not friends, but if he'll drop everything to "save" them, I don't need to be around that.

H seemed to be making an effort the last few days to be a better friend, but any progress he made is gone now. If he wants us to have a relationship, of any sort, he's going to have to prove it.

[sweetbabyred]

Scaredsilly,

You must have posted as I was replying, so I just saw your response. I do agree with you, but I had SS at the house and didn't want him to be part of it.

While he is ( i think) getting stronger about setting boundaries with these people, I knew that I wouldn't be able to stop him if he thought the girl was in trouble. I was trying to keep SS from dealing with a girl who might have been attacked.

He's only 11 and I'd like him to have as sheltered of a life as possible. I also knew that H would be driving like crazy to get to her as she was 30+ miles away and it wouldn't have been safe for him to be in the car.

And I couldn't deny him to come back to the house and deny him access to his son, as I am the stepmom and don't officially have custody.

H is definitely taking advantage of the fact that he knows how much I care for SS and would do anything for him. He's the only child I have, so I am very protective. I can't take the chance that he'll be left alone or sent off with people who won't take care of him.

I did tell him that he was making a choice and clearly choosing her over all of his friends and family, but I knew that if she did end up getting raped he'd never forgive himself.

I know, it sounds like a lot of excuses, even to me, but I just need to get through the next few days. I can enforce the boundary between the two of us. H is a grown man and can't count on me to be his backup plan any more.

[sweetbabyred]

The last three weeks or so have been exhausting. I was trying to shield SS from all of the craziness here.

With H taking him away every few days and swearing that I'll never take care of him again, only to have him returned the next day because H never made "other arrangements" is tiring. On the plus side, I've gotten very good at believing none of what he says.

H spent maybe 10 minutes with his mom who came down for a week to help watch SS while he was out of town and barely saw his son the last week too.

As frustrating as it all was, it did help me come to the conclusion that this man isn't the same one that I married. And while I don't want a divorce, I do want a husband who is committed to me and willing to work on things. Right now I don't have that and I'm not sure if H can ever be that man again.

I've been scared to ask him to make a decision because I was afraid that he'd go ahead and file. But you know what, that doesn't scare me anymore. Being in this limbo doesn't serve me anymore.

For the past year I haven't had the financial help of a husband, the ability to talk to him as a best friend, or the confidence that I could count on him when and if I needed him. So I've pretty much lived as a divorced woman, but haven't qualified for financial aid due to his income or been able to date because I'd never do that while I'm married.

I am in no way ready to date, but I'm married to a man who thinks it is okay if he does because he thinks we're done, but doesn't want to fill out the papers because it'll be difficult and sad. I'm having a hard time seeing how I get any benefits out of this arrangement.

I asked him last night if he actually thought it would get easier if he waited. He said that I was better at paperwork and I just responded that once we were divorced he'd have no one to help him so he better get used to it now. I filled out all of the marriage forms, so it's up to him to do the divorce papers.

Maybe he still is confused about what he wants, but I deserve better and don't plan to stick around forever. He needs to finally make a choice- get divorced and be free to live as a truly single man, or make a commitment to work on things with me. I'm finally strong enough to be able to accept either decision.

I think it may have been finding out that he hasn't paid child support in the three months since he lost his job. But that hasn't stopped him from going out with friends and spending money he didn't have. I want someone who puts family and responsibility over friends and good times.

Hearing from SS's mom that she's been proud to share the mom title with me for the past 7 years and wants to make sure that they are in my life no matter what also made me a little more confident that I won't lose contact with SS, even if H doesn't want me to see him.

Maybe he will decide to try again, but I'm not sure if he's even capable of that right now. And as much as I love him, I need to put myself first.

[sweetbabyred]

All this week, since SS has been gone, I've been following the LRT for the most part, although I did talk with H and tell him that although I don't want a divorce, I do want a husband who is 100% committed to working on our M and unless he felt that way, he needed to file.

I made it clear that it was his choice, as I had never given up on him or the M, but I would no longer sit back as he takes his EA to places to interact with people we both know. I stated that the only chance we had of being friends would take place after the D, as I felt that his actions were disrespectful to me, as he is still a married man.

H told me that he hasn't filed because I "don't know what going on in my head!" and that he is terrified that I'll be out of his life completely once we have a D.

At first I was scared of that too, because H was my best friend for the longest time, but I haven't seen that man in almost a year now and I'm not sure if he'll ever come back.

I know I'm just mind reading, but I think he's still trying to stay in contact with me so that he can pretend we're not over. He can act like a single man, but always has me to fall back on when he's lonely and needs a friend.

Last Thursday, he got upset and said he was trying not to hate me, but by Monday texted to make sure I was ok with SS leaving and later texted that we should meet up for drinks sometime as he still wanted to be friends. And he's called or texted every day that he's been out of town. This afternoon he texted, "have a great day. ttyl" wtf?

I found out today that his "friend/EA" is now signed up on his vball league and that he put her reg charges on our joint cc. So even though he's told me (I know, believe nothing they say) that he doesn't want to be friends with her anymore, his actions show the exact opposite.

I don't want to be a back up friend, when he has no other plans. And I have a good feeling that I'd be ditched when any of his other friends have "emergencies" and need to be "saved". I'm a functional, responsible adult and can take care of myself, so H won't get the thrill of saving me.

I'm now considering the "after the LRT". H really needs to see what his life is like without me in the picture. Without being able to call me when he's sad or lonely. I've been so scared to lose him, but our so-called friendship hasn't benefited me in the least. I can't lose what is already gone.

I don't want a D, but this isn't a M. I heard Pink's new song, blow me one last kiss and it really struck me. there's a line about holding on to a rope, but there's nothing there. I think I've reached that point.

I do still love H, but I'd rather be single than stuck in a M with a man who doesn't want to be there, but doesn't want to truly leave either. It's all on him if he's not done, but I think I am, at least for now.

[sweetbabyred]

Even though his own family says he needs to hit rock bottom, with his possible MLC, depression, and what seems to be at least the beginning signs of alcoholism, I didn't want to desert him.

But after reading the codependent books, I've realized that he can't/won't change until he decides he needs to. Nothing I do to hold on will make a difference, except to drag me down.

I have grad classes starting again in five days and I can't allow H's mood swings to affect me. I managed a 4.0 in the spring and I'd like to do that again.

I have a long way to go, both for graduation and to feeling completely comfortable in the sitch I'm in, but I'll never get there if I don't keep moving forward.

[sweetbabyred]

"The OW accepts the yucky guy of today, that he know's you wouldn't put up with, maybe even know's you don't deserve. The OW are an ear for that side they don't want to give us. Don't asume he's having a wonderful time...don't assume anything it only hurts you."

DawnMarie said this on another thread and it hit a nerve with me and has now possibly confused me even more!

H has told me that no one will ever compare to me, and that no one has ever trusted him like I did. And that I'm the only one in his life who never hurt him and has always been there for him. He's said this again as recently as a week or two ago.

I think part of him always thought I was too good for him because I had my life all together when I met him, and with his depression he really doesn't think he deserves me.

So I'm afraid that if I do the after the LRT and cut off all communication, so that he can see what life is like without me in it, he'll feel that I abandoned him too.

I'm afraid that instead of spurring him on to figure out what he really wants in life, that he'll do something stupid and possibly injure or kill himself.

But since he got back in town on Thursday, he's barely contacted me, so I guess it really doesn't matter if/when I plan to respond to him. My life used to be so simple and now it's just one thing after another. This s@cks.