Any chance to make it work? I need advice

[bustingout]

Hi sbr- I feel exactly the same way about DB and everything else you said in your last postThanks for sharing....

[sweetbabyred]

Last night I agreed to watch SS again because H had a few hours of training. He said he'd be back around 7, but showed up at 5, asking me to watch SS for a few more hours.

I asked if it was work related and he said he just wanted to go to dinner and have a social life, but it's not what I'm thinking. He said he wouldn't be f@cking anyone, if that's what I thought. Of course not, because it's just an EA with his current obsession right now.

I told him that I'd gladly watch SS for H to go to work if I wasn't working, but I wouldn't do it so he could go out. H then offered to pay me and I said I wasn't a babysitter.

That made him upset and he told me that not only was I not going out of town with them tomorrow to celebrate SS's birthday (which I kind of expected), I wasn't going to be able to watch him at all anymore and would have to drive to H's new town in order to see him.

About two hours later he called to say he wasn't taking SS out of my life, but I wouldn't be allowed to watch him anymore. And that he'd like me to be there to celebrate the birthday, but that we weren't really married anymore, so he had to draw a line in the sand.

I told him that we were still married until he filled out the forms and filed them, and that while he might be drawing lines in the sand, he never communicated where they were to me. In our M, he never wanted to say anything to hurt me, so he never said anything, and then just decided he couldn't take it anymore last year and we had the BD.

Then he said that for years I never really said much to him either and now he can't get me to shut up. He asked me where that was 3 years ago when he was still in love with me and I told him that I'd finally learned how important it was to share my feelings, and I was going to do it from now on, even if we didn't have a relationship together.

I know that I'm not supposed to believe what he says, but it's so hard to hear that as confused as he is, he knows he'll never fall back in love with me and that he waited so long to confront it, that it's too late to do anything about it.

So once again, I told him to file the papers so that we can be as "not married" as he thinks we are. If he really is done, I can at least use the divorce to potentially qualify me for financial aid next year and not complicate our taxes. It won't change my feelings for him and then he can meet/date whoever he wants without me being upset because we're still married.

I've learned enough on this site to know that it is still possible to R even after a divorce, but at least then I'd know that I'm not invited to family gatherings or officially part of his family any more.

I know that I just need to detach and GAL, but my SS only turns 11 once and I'm going to miss his party and seeing all of my nieces and nephews. I kept the weekend free so I could go out of town if necessary, so now I really do need to find something to keep me occupied.

[MrBond]

What an @$$ using his son as a pawn. Sorry guys like that really burn me. Are you sure he's got a p@ni$ between his legs?

[sweetbabyred]

wow, mrbond, you don't pull any punches!

SS is only in town for two more weeks and then he goes back home to the Northeast. After that H is free to do whatever he wants because he won't need a babysitter.

I do think it's kind of funny that he says he'll make other arrangements and that he can take him to daycare or something, but then is texting me at 9pm to see if I can watch him the next day. Something tells me you can't just drop off a child at a center with no advice notice!

It'll be interesting since H is going out of town and then coming back late on Sunday. He starts a new job on Monday and although he may be able to work from home a little, his new boss will be in town on Tues or Wed, so he doesn't have much time to "figure out other arrangements".

I told him that he was a single dad now and he had to figure it out. That's what my MIL has wanted me to do for months now and I finally decided to stick up for myself and do it.

He's usually such a nice guy, so it's really strange to see him get so upset over things. In all the years we've been together, we've never fought like this.

[MrBond]

Good for you for sticking up for yourself. It's one thing to talk nasty to your spouse, but when he uses your SS as a hostage, that's a Class A douchebag felony.

I hope you get to spend more time with your SS before he leaves.

[sweetbabyred]

I'm a little down today. It's my SS's 11th birthday and he's out of town with H, so I don't get to celebrate with him. I bought him his present early so he could play with it at my place and sent H off with his card, but it's not the same as being there.

I didn't book any work for the weekend in case I was invited, but H was so PA that he never told me either way. On Thursday he just said he'd be uncomfortable and that his BF didn't think it was a good idea. I wish he'd quit taking M advice from him.

Last night I went a step further and pretty much said that I don't think I can be friends with H right now. When his other friends mistreat him, he always wants me to cheer him up or at least listen to him complain. I'd already told him a few days ago that I didn't want to do that anymore.

I'm sick and tired of H being the one to decide if/when he wants to talk to me or see me. I can't happily accept the demotion from wife/best friend to part time friend that he'll contact when he's lonely/mistreated.

It's not fair to me and I deserve better. A few months ago I couldn't stand the idea of not having H in my life, but this isn't the same man that I married. This version thinks that I should be ok hearing about all of his relationship problems, and that it shouldn't really affect me if they're not actually dating.

I'd originally told him that I'd support him, but that I couldn't try to fix him or tell him what to do because I'd realized that didn't help either one of us. Right now, I don't think I can support him right now, because I'm not getting anything in return and it's draining me.

When I first found this site almost three months ago, I'd been telling H that I would always be there for him. That his other friends might give up on him or try to use him, but he could always count on me.

I know he has depression and doesn't feel very good about himself, but I can't change that. I can't be the back up anymore. I can't save him from himself.

[reachingHigher]

Sbr, what's been going on with you? How are things?

[sweetbabyred]

RH, thanks for checking on me.

I kept with my boundaries and that led to H texting me on Sunday when he got back in town, asking if I was ok. I said of course, had no reason to contact him and knew he was busy with family. That led to him calling me and we spoke for a bit. He felt that I was distant, and said he was jealous that I was able to move on and be happy with myself and my life. Guess my “as if” act has been working!

He mentioned that his mom might want to stay with me next week to watch my SS while H is out of town. I love her, so I had no problem with that, but thought H might. I told him again that I could watch SS this week if he needed someone and he said he might need me Tues and Wed, but he'd try to do something else.

On Monday, I went to a friend's house for dinner and drinks. She's separated, with kids, so we have a lot in common. H called and texted me to see if I'd watch SS the next day. I texted back and said that was fine, but asked what time. He just kept asking me to call him, so I said I would when I left, but I was at a friends house. Less than 30 minutes later, he said never mind, he was going to bed and he'd make other arrangements! I swear, he loves that phrase, "make other arrangements".

My friend was as confused as I was and asked if H had wanted me to watch SS beginning that night. SS's mom had replied to one of my fb posts about having margaritas, asking if I was watching SS that night. So i don't know what H told her, but I replied and said I thought I'd have him the next day, but wasn't sure.

I left around 11 and texted back, telling him he could call me if he was awake. I ended up watching SS because of course, H hadn't made any other arrangements.

yesterday, H dropped him off and before he came to pick him up, asked if they both could spend the night. H said he was really stressed, and would feel better if we were all together. I told him that would be fine, but I expected him to be off the phone and not texting constantly since he was in my house.

H agreed, came over, and showed me a text he’d sent to a friend asking her not to contact him since she didn’t treat him very well. I said I didn’t want to know about it, but was glad he was being strong. Not 15 minutes later, she calls and texts, saying that she was hanging out with a guy and he tried to attack her. So, of course, H has to go save her, saying that he doesn’t want to be her friend, but can’t let her stay in danger. He is the type of guy to do that, so I just asked him to hurry up and drop her off.

Two hours later, he still hasn’t returned and I was a little annoyed because we were waiting to have dinner with him. He tells me she doesn’t want to be left alone, so he’ll come get SS and then take her home.

I’d told him last week that I did not want to hear about her and did not want her to know where I lived when he mentioned she might help him return a work vehicle that was parked at my place. So I was extremely p!ssed that he showed up with her. I am a very private person and live in a gated complex for a reason.

I didn’t want him to take SS and have him in the car with her, since she was so “emotionally traumatized” by the sitch. And I might have had a slight verbal altercation with her. (oops) I am the most laid back, easy going person ever, but when you cross my line, I’m not going to put up with it anymore.

H was understandably annoyed with my behavior and said he’d have to leave SS alone while he went to work and I couldn’t watch him anymore. By midnight, he’d dropped her off and was back at his place. And I now have SS to watch for today. He keeps threatening to keep SS away, but realizes that no one will take better care of him than I will. In less than two weeks he’ll be back in NY until Thanksgiving, so I’m just trying to spend as much time with him as possible.

I’ve realized why super heroes are usually single and don’t have many friends. It’s hard to be around someone who is always on call and might need to leave at a minute’s notice to save the world. Unless H can deal with his codependency issues I’m not even sure I’d be able to be his friend. Unless I have an emergency and am falling apart, I don’t ever think I’ll be a priority.

Sorry for the extremely long post. It’s been a crazy few days,but I'm doing okay and will make it through.

[MrBond]

Good way to stick to your guns. You have to start being more strict with your H. He's still using you and have got you under his control. It really s*cks that he still is using your SS as a pawn.

[vera be fierce]

Are you going to call H out on threatening to take away SS/not allow you to watch him (and then allowing you to watch him) or are you going to let it slide until next time SS is in town?