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#2245494 - 05/15/12 08:53 PM Re: Any chance to make it work? I need advice [Re: sweetbabyred]
Maggie3 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/28/12
Posts: 157
Ugh so frustrating to see someone you love make these bad choices. My friend wants to call my H and explain to him that people look their whole lives to marry their best friend and he did and gave it up without a reason.

I think it was good you stopped by the bar (looking cute) and what you said. I don't really think it goes against DB. You aren't pursuing, you are supporting. I think I am going anti DB in that I'm not really doing a lot of 180s. I like who I am. I feel love from many people around me, even people I know just casually, which shows me I am a good person. This is a problem with my H and his depression, childhood issues, etc. Maybe I didn't handle the issues well, and I'm learning about that. Your situation seems the same. You love him. You have a good head on your shoulders. You will be okay regardless, but you care so you want to ensure he is okay too.

He can come up to my house- PLENTY of man chores since my H stopped doing projects basically in August! Could you keep the house and get a roommate? I might do that- especially since the housing market is creeping up.
_________________________
Me-32
H-31
M-1yr, 9mos/T-6.5yrs
No kids, 3 pets
H estranged father passes away- 8/11
Bomb- 1/15/12
Began LRT- 4/1/12

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#2245518 - 05/15/12 10:01 PM Re: Any chance to make it work? I need advice [Re: Maggie3]
sweetbabyred Offline
Member

Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 509
Loc: Texas
H always complained that I never went out, and I do admit to being an introvert who works around people all day, so I usually would prefer to be home. He hates to be at home, and it just so happened that I was out with friends both times he contacted me in the last few week. So I was also showing him that I am making an effort to be more sociable.

I'm only working on the habits that are now driving me crazy. Being stubborn and nagging aren't attractive qualities! And I was never good at verbally expressing my appreciation for everything he did, so I do try to thank him for every little thing now, in the hopes that it'll boost his mood.

My lease isn't up until the end of Sept. and I checked yesterday to find out that the early termination fee would be the same as the rent for the next four months, so I'm just hoping the guys will keep it together and stay there that long. Or we'll get a miracle and someone will offer to pay at least what we owe on it. They'd be getting a great deal.

If nothing broke or needed repairs, it might be possible for me to rent the two bedrooms/bath upstairs and cover the mortgage and utilities. I just hate the thought of living with a stranger, although the three roommates I've had in the past were great. I don't want to be a landlord, but I guess I could if it came down to it.

I knew he'd been depressed once, in high school, but I've never had to deal with anything like that in my own life, so I never expected it to resurface. I'm so afraid that I'm going to do or say the wrong thing and make him feel worse. I'm used to having some control over a situation and this terrifies me.
_________________________
M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13

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#2245611 - 05/16/12 10:08 AM Re: Any chance to make it work? I need advice [Re: sweetbabyred]
sweetbabyred Offline
Member

Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 509
Loc: Texas
So right now H should be at his counseling/psych appointment. I hope it goes well, but I can't have any expectations. I know nothing changes instantly anyway.

The first thing I saw this morning was H complaining on FB about 50 pages of paperwork he had to fill out. Although it could be the final work forms, which I highly doubt, I think he did actually get all of the do it yourself divorce papers. That means he somehow decided to come up with the $400-500 it costs.

What's frustrating is that we texted yesterday about health insurance, since we're losing the coverage from his company at the end of the month. I asked if he was going to get his own coverage or if we were still going to do it together. At first he was thinking of going without, but I convinced him that wasn't a good idea and he was ok with the family plan I found last night and went ahead and applied for. But if he's planning to file soon, we could be divorced in 60 days, so why are we getting coverage together?

I don't know why any of this surprises me, but for some reason I just keep hoping for some sign of stability.

I guess when he does mention it to me, that'll be the time that I tell him I'm not going to sign any forms until he does at least 4-6 sessions of IC. If he is truly happy with himself and wants to go, I'll let him, but I don't want him to think that getting a D will magically make things better for him. In the state he's in, I just see it getting much worse before it gets better.
_________________________
M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13

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#2245614 - 05/16/12 10:18 AM Re: Any chance to make it work? I need advice [Re: sweetbabyred]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/12
Posts: 934
SBR a few things...

As for the health insurance, go ahead and apply together. You can always change it later due to a major life event (M/D) - this is how it usually works (but double check the fine print!)

Originally Posted By: sweetbabyred
So right now H should be at his counseling/psych appointment. I hope it goes well, but I can't have any expectations. I know nothing changes instantly anyway.
...

I guess when he does mention it to me, that'll be the time that I tell him I'm not going to sign any forms until he does at least 4-6 sessions of IC. If he is truly happy with himself and wants to go, I'll let him, but I don't want him to think that getting a D will magically make things better for him. In the state he's in, I just see it getting much worse before it gets better.


Unfortunately I think you may have to let him see for himself that D isn't the magical hoped-for solution - that is the bind that many of us are in. Do you think that insisting that he get IC before you sign anything will move you closer to or further away from your goal?

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#2245805 - 05/16/12 07:14 PM Re: Any chance to make it work? I need advice [Re: vera be fierce]
sweetbabyred Offline
Member

Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 509
Loc: Texas
Although I would love to have a R with H, my main goal right now is just to make sure his self esteem is up and he's happy with himself, so I do think that asking for IC would help. He might not be happy with me about it, but if it could make him feel better about himself and work through some of his issues, I think it might be worth asking for.

He's never been the type to be single for long, so I want to make sure he's at least in the right state of mind when he goes out looking again. It's hard to think about him moving on, but if he's going to, I want it to be a stable situation for when my stepson is here visiting during holidays and summer break.
_________________________
M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13

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#2246214 - 05/17/12 09:49 PM Re: Any chance to make it work? I need advice [Re: sweetbabyred]
sweetbabyred Offline
Member

Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 509
Loc: Texas
Today has been tough for me. It's H's birthday and the first where I haven't been invited to help him celebrate. I know we're separated, but he keeps saying he still wants us to be friends at the very least. It's hard to know that he's at our favorite restaurant with a group of friends (all of whom I know) and I'm not even invited.

What makes it ironic is that he always complained that I never wanted to go out and in the last year or so, before we even separated, I realized that I needed to make more of an effort to have fun and spend time with friends. And shortly after I decided that, H was done and has tried to have his own friends and not invite me anywhere.

I know that if we do D, I will most likely have little, to no, part in his social life, so I should get used to it now. I don't want to have any regrets, but I keep thinking that if I'd just made a little more of an effort a little sooner, maybe our situation would be completely different now.

I am glad that he's made an effort to make new friends over the last year as he always complained that he didn't have very many. I just wish it didn't upset me so much not to be a part of it.

I just have to keep reminding myself that I want him to be happy. And if spending this day celebrating with friends makes him happy, I should be glad that he's not in one of his depressed, woe is me moods. Maybe it'll remind him that there are many good people who care about him and he doesn't need to waste his time with those who don't.

Tomorrow is another, hopefully better, day. I just need to keep myself busy so that I'm not dwelling on it.
_________________________
M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13

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#2246222 - 05/17/12 10:10 PM Re: Any chance to make it work? I need advice [Re: sweetbabyred]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/12
Posts: 934
Hey SBR, I'm sorry to hear that you were not invited along on his birthday dinner, I can totally understand how that would not feel good.

I think it's easy to fall into the trap of "If only I had done X, Y, and Z sooner!" The reality is that doing X, Y, and Z might not have made any difference. The important thing is to know that all Rs take effort and we have to be conscious of that and to make sure that we know how to recognize where we need to work on our selves as part of our Rs in the future.

I think your situation is doubly tough because you feel very protective of H. It is indicative of your kind heart. I just worry that you feel overly responsible for helping him get better. At some point, it is not your burden to carry.

What are you going to do for yourself this weekend?

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#2246242 - 05/17/12 10:51 PM Re: Any chance to make it work? I need advice [Re: vera be fierce]
scaredsilly Offline
Member

Registered: 01/12/12
Posts: 1219
does he want YOU to be happy? why do you feel responsible and so concerned for his happiness? it seems he is making himself happy, without you.

you can't do anything about yesterday. make yourself happy.
_________________________
M:63
H:53
S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23
M:15
T:16

Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways."
H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12
12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing


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#2246257 - 05/17/12 11:32 PM Re: Any chance to make it work? I need advice [Re: vera be fierce]
sweetbabyred Offline
Member

Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 509
Loc: Texas
This time he did actually seem happy, but I know he's been very depressed lately. He spoke with a IC/psychiatrist yesterday and is going back again tomorrow.

I vowed to be with him for better and worse, and just because he's given up, doesn't mean that I have. I just don't want to see him get into a bad situation once we're divorced because he can't stand to be alone. I also had a therapist once tell me that I'm "hyper responsible" and try to take care of everything, so while I can stop worrying about his finances, household chores, etc. I can't give up on him.

He wants me to be happy. He keeps telling me that I can find someone better, cuter, smarter, with more in common than him. I've told him that you can always go searching for something better, but that I was perfectly happy with my choice of spouse and don't feel the need to see if something better is out there. He's depressed so I'm not sure how much of this is him talking or his depression.

As for me, I should be working this weekend, but don't have anything lined up right now. If I don't work, I have my final kickboxing testing to see how I've improved in the last ten weeks and a party for that on Saturday night, which I'll make sure I go to. I may also check out a Unitarian church on Sunday. I need to be out with people more often, other than when I'm just working. I don't want to be a crazy cat lady spending all her time in her apartment.
_________________________
M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13

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#2246563 - 05/18/12 09:31 PM Re: Any chance to make it work? I need advice [Re: sweetbabyred]
sweetbabyred Offline
Member

Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 509
Loc: Texas
H got some unsettling news last night. I'm hoping it'll all blow over, but right now he's pretty stressed about it. He had his second psych appointment today and texted me when he got back to see if I would meet up with him at the house. He just wanted someone to keep an eye on him and try to help him not dwell on all of the craziness.

I was there for a few hours until we had a house showing. H mostly responded to his birthday fb messages and we spoke with our realtor about trying to get more offers on our house. We found out that the house three away from ours sold for full price in less than a month, while we've had two offers for $30k less and our house is actually bigger. I hung out and read a magazine.

Even though he's stressed out and I am too, of course, it was nice to just be spending time together. He had several friends call/text him to confirm plans for this weekend. They all know how upset he's been so they're trying to keep him busy, which is probably a good thing.

I commented that he had lots of friends who were worried about him and he said that he was going out all of the time, just like he'd always wanted, except now it wasn't any fun. While I'd love to read more into and think that now maybe he'd want to settle down and spend time with me, I'm too smart to think that way. I'm not believing anything he says, and just focusing on how he acts.

Although he has the D papers, he's had too much going on to get started on them, but I'm preparing for the day when he tells me he's going to file. Day by day, and I'll make it through this.
_________________________
M36 XH34
M-5 T7
4/11 H confused
5/11 ILYB
6/11 OW discovered
7/11 I move out, OW over
5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file
9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3
3/13 H/OW break up
H files 4/13
D 6/18/13

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