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#2246172 - 05/17/12 07:43 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 3 [Re: RoRoinMD]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: RoRoinMD


I've done this almost everyday for most of the last 5 months. I promise you...they notice. [/quote]

I'm going to have to catch myself up on your sitch. smile
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



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#2246173 - 05/17/12 07:46 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 3 [Re: jks]
wishing, hoping Offline
Member

Registered: 03/13/12
Posts: 2746
Loc: Wisconsin
At least then I could enjoy the motorcycle. Lol!
_________________________
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012
Two kids, one dog
D Final 6/18/14
"No matter where you go, there you are"

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#2246729 - 05/19/12 04:12 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 3 [Re: MrBond]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: MrBond
Actually your H is pretty easy to figure out. Keep your communications to a minimum. However when you do see him, make sure you dress and smell incredible. When you talk to him, act as if he really doesn't matter and that you've moved on. Make every meeting something that will stay on his mind. His ego will take care of the rest.


I've been thinking a lot about what you said, Mr. Bond... how my H is pretty easy to figure out. What exactly do you mean by that? I know it may be obvious but I'm coming to find that outsiders are seeing things a lot differently than I do and I always appreciate a different perspective.

H did come to S4's pre-school program and he was nice. I was a little stand-offish. Only because I don't want to be too friendly because it just gets my hopes up... but I wasn't mean. It is a hard thing to know how to just "be" around him.

I hate that I don't trust him. After the program was over and he walked the kids and I out to our car, I pulled out and drove away and saw in my rear view mirror that instead of him getting in his car and driving away... he walked right back into the building. Now why would he do that? It gave me the weirdest feeling like, was OW in there and I didn't see her? And they were trying to hide it? Seriously. Who wants to live this way? It is torture!!

Then I took the kids to a b-day party out where we used to live with some old friends and dropped them off and took D1 to go get lunch. The entire time I was at the restaurant I was scanning the place and the parking lot to for H and OW. I just know one of these days I'm going to run into them together and I will have no idea how to react. I couldn't just relax. And to make it worse there was 4 cops sitting right next to me one of them being a very attractive female officer and I kept looking at her and wanting to scream at her.

Like, how many men have you slept with from work? AHHHHH!! Just hits too close to home. It was hard for me to see that. It really is better that I don't live close to H because I don't even think about those things when I'm up where I live. I'm too on edge in our old town.

Just some things going through my head today. I don't know how I'm ever going to learn to detach. I think when I don't see him and I'm doing my own thing I'm fine but I will never not have to see him. He will always be around and as soon as I do, all the feelings come rushing back. How do people do this?
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



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#2246741 - 05/19/12 04:46 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 3 [Re: jks]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Just saw that H ran a marathon today and earlier this week he received a star award at work at a work gala... all posted to his sister's FB page. I had to cry. I am missing out. It [censored]. I want to be there for him through these big events.

I need to get a job. Sitting around all day trying to think of things to do is really getting to me. My L told me not to but I have got to get myself out there or I'm going to crack!
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



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#2246752 - 05/19/12 05:30 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 3 [Re: jks]
LIO Offline
Member

Registered: 04/09/12
Posts: 227
Loc: NW USA
FB is evil! smile I decided that it's not in my best interest to check 'up' on my H, so I am working on all those ways that I would normally see what he's up to.

Blocking works well wink

One thing that may help regarding the OW. OW will lose her shine at some point (won't be so fun when the R arguments come up). You can't control his actions. You can, however, control your thoughts. I know the twinges are there, but think 'this is the way he chooses to behave. It has no reflection on me. Just him.'

Get a job, get moving, get reading, do something other than sitting around all day smile
_________________________
Me& h + S
M: 13 t: 14

H moved 2/12. Own apt 05/12, EAs, PAs, gfriends, oh my!
I'm done. 12/12

"I get knocked down, but I get up again.. you're never gonna keep me down" Chumbawumba

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#2246797 - 05/19/12 11:34 PM Re: Needing some guidance... 3 [Re: LIO]
oldtimer Offline
Member

Registered: 02/03/06
Posts: 4474
If L said not to get a job, then don't get a job. There are plenty of ways to use your time productively.
_________________________
Best,
Oldtimer

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#2246802 - 05/20/12 12:17 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 3 [Re: oldtimer]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
OW was at the Gala with H as well. They came together and left together. I am so sick of this. What is this man doing? Gallivanting all over with her and in front of his work buddies. He must be so proud of himself.

I'm living in a state of endless confusion.

H will be getting the kids tomorrow. First time in three weeks. It will be nice to get a break but not so nice to get them back and have to hear about OW.

Sometimes I just really wish I had an OM to really get my mind off of him and show him that I am worth something to someone. And, if nothing else, to move on. But it just isn't possible for me right now.

Emotionally I think I may be getting there. I don't cry as long when I hear about things and sometimes I don't cry at all. This is good because before I was dwelling on these things for days. I basically just post here and move on.

Maybe I should join a sport's team? H would never expect me to do that. A volleyball team or something. That could be way fun. Any other ideas that would help me meet people and wouldn't involve a lot of money would be greatly appreciated.

Still would love to hear from Mr. Bond as well...
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



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#2246841 - 05/20/12 09:20 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 3 [Re: jks]
labug Online   content
Member

Registered: 11/24/11
Posts: 8384
Loc: Sonoran Desert
I know you're hurt, but read your post above.

It's all about him.

What are you doing for you? Remember, the things you do for you should be done FOR you, not to get him to notice.

You make an effort to look nice to boost your confidence, not in hopes that H will notice.

You GAL to have a life separate from H, to keep you occupied, productive, confident, not so H will see it.

If you can't get a job, volunteer somewhere.

All you've written suggests whatever changes you are making are for H to notice, not that you've actually changed.

Is that true?

If so, you are wasting a wonderful opportunity to become the woman you were meant to be.
_________________________
Me 57/H 58
M35 S24 S21
Bomb 3/11 Sep 3/11
Piecing 9/13 12/13 Reconciling

"We can make ourselves miserable, or we can make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same"~Carlos Castenada

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#2246853 - 05/20/12 10:58 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 3 [Re: jks]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
Originally Posted By: jks
Sometimes I just really wish I had an OM to really get my mind off of him and show him that I am worth something to someone.


You don't need anyone to prove your worth. You are a great person all by yourself. Believe in yourself JKS, this is your life. Take ahold of it and make the best of it.
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

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#2246860 - 05/20/12 11:34 AM Re: Needing some guidance... 3 [Re: labug]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
I know what you're saying, Labug. I am putting a lot of focus on H because I am missing him in a major way. I have had our kids for 3 straight weeks with hardly any breaks at all. These are the times that I long for adult interaction, especially with my H. It hurts to hear of him having the time of his life and spending every waking moment with OW when I'm here taking care of our 3 children and trying to keep my head above water.

I would love to have something... anything. It has just been hard lately with having my kids so much and not having a lot of time for me. It has been stressing me out a lot. So I'm grateful for the break for the next couple of days.

I hate it because OW doesn't even compare when it comes to our kids. She has no idea how real life is with them and what really is involved with being there for them 24/7. My H knows this and yet he still seems to think that I lack so much. I have A LOT of responsibilities with them there is no doubt about that.

And it hurts a lot to know that I carried these babies, I went through pregnancy, having the morning sickness, the aches and pains, the hormonal changes, giving birth, postpartum depression, nursing, sleepless nights... the list goes on and on... I invested all this time and gave of myself to have this family for us. And now OW gets to swoop right in and take it all. She has done nothing except focus on herself and her career for all these years. She's independent and wonderful and fun and so therefore she is the greater prize to be had.

I just feel like I am worth nothing. H has made that very apparent with his behavior. Yes, I've made mistakes and I'm not proud of those things but all I ever wanted was a family. I lost myself and now I'm losing the person I loved the most in this whole world. Plus, the ability to have my kids all the time. Instead of having a family, I've gained heartache.

I want to GAL. I want to so badly, it's just that being a single mother takes more of my time than anything else. And on top of all of that... I have no money. So, yes, I have to get creative with the type of activities we do. I continue to feel very trapped.

Sorry for the pity party... this is just the kind of pain that I feel on a daily basis and I'm trying to let it go. But it isn't easy. These things hit me at my core, especially when it involves my children.

I just know that OW is pressuring my H to stay with her because she has to know that he is having second thoughts because he hasn't filed yet. If he wanted this, he would have done it already. I was also told that she was just waiting for one of the guys at work to become available so she could move right in and take her opportunity. She was so unhappy in her marriage and her way of getting attention from guys at work was to continually text them about random things on a regular basis. Well, it worked!

And, no, I'm not saying that my H and I had issues because of her but the timing was absolutely ridiculous. My H and I were taking a break. And she took advantage of that. She filed for D and moved down the street from my H only a month after we separated. We had no chance from the get go.

Everyone has marriage problems. Some worse than others, but when you involve a third party, the chances of things getting better are even slimmer. And she's not just a fling. She is his best friend on top of being his lover. I want to believe that this is just a phase and that H will eventually come around, but part of me thinks that she may never let him go. She has the personality to hold on for dear life because she's been wanting to be with him for a long time.

This is why I feel having an OM could be the only thing to get me to really start to move on. Does it feel right? No. But sometimes it seems like the only answer to get me to stop looking at my H as the only one for me.

I know a lot of you would disagree. I'm just hurting right now.
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



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