Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 434
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 434
Originally Posted By: YankeeCandle
Hi Bill,

That's great progress you are making there.

Thank you YC I do feel like I'm getting there now.

It's kind of funny how the tables are turning. At once we were frantic about getting them back, and then as we work on ourselves and get strong, we're like, "Why should I put up with this?" Personally though, I think it's a phase.

It's a phase of indifference to an extent. My H does stupid things like that too. Booking himself here, there and everywhere without so much as a consult. I wonder if they ever snap out of it and realise they are living with another human being?? Basic consideration would be nice, thank you!

Exactly, just some common courtesy & a little respect wouldn't go a miss.

I was on the other side of the fence with that scenario too when I separated from my H the first time around. He too began to question why he should put up with my behavior. So, he ends up leaving me and then here we are! This thing could go back and forth for a while, if I let it.

I haven't gotten past this phase just yet (the indifference phase), but I guess I could just see how it goes. What are you planning to do do you think?

If I'm honest, I'm starting to detach big time & prepare myself for moving out - I know that we have agreed to not discuss the next steps until I've finished UNI. But to be honest I'm starting to think that some time apart would be good for me too. I'm going to stay true to myself and whilst we are living together, live my life like a married man, regardless of what she does. If we separate, all bets are off & I will live like a single man in every sense of the word. This won't be an ultimatum to my W in any way, shape or form or me taking any kind of revenge. If I'm separated, I'm single and I can do what I want when I want and with whoever I want. I fully expect my W to do the same & she is probably already doing this anyway.


It's great you had a wonderful day at Uni!!

It was the best day YC - I rocked my presentation out of the park - had fun with my friends and it felt great!!



I think for me, my old relationship with my W is over & I don't think my W is ready or committed to work on what it would take to get through our problems. I'm continuing to overcome my issues & everyday I get stronger and enjoy my life that little bit more. If my W doesn't work on her issues or start to make an effort in rebuilding my trust - I don't think that would be enough for me anymore.

I love her & want my family to stay together, but without that genuine emotional intimacy our relationship is meaningless & a functional one. I need more than that, we all do.

Bill


Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 27
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 27
Hi Bill,

I've read through your story, and while I'm just starting out on my own journey, am impressed with the way that you continue to handle yourself. I myself am going through a similar situation....
W gave me the 'ILYBINILWU' speech 3 weeks ago...a bombshell to say the least.

We're working through it, but like you, I don't know that she'll have that fire for me that she once had. Regardless, your approach to life as it is now is quite inspirational as I begin myself. I've done all of the classic blunders in 3 weeks....pleading, begging, reasoning, snooping....all of it.

Like you, I think I'm finally at a point where I can step back and begin focusing on myself rather than focusing on something I have not control over.

If you have any insight/suggestions on how you completed this transformation, it would be much appreciated.


Me (34), W(30)
3 kids (7, 5, 1.5)
Married 9 years
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 434
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 434
Had another counselling session today...

when I left my session, I felt a little bit down & that I was shocked by what I was thinking and talking about today. I find it hard to believe that only a few weeks ago I was so down and my whole outlook was dependent on what my W did. I knew I was detaching, but I'm starting to feel a little bit of guilt for not wanting to work on our R right now. I had always said to myself if my W wants a separation then I will accept this wish & move out. Now I'm half expecting a separation and half-looking forward to it.

I feel like a living double standard, how can I say I want things to work out, when I'm considering leaving?

Tonight I was left kind of confused by something my W said. I had told her yesterday that I am going to a house party on the 23rd May (a fortnight after my course finishes) & she says tonight I'll switch my hours, so you don't have to get up and take the kids to school that day.

I might be reading too much into it, but it didn't sound like she was thinking of me moving out by then. It feels like we have just skirted around so many of our issues & not come to any decision of what next steps we both want to take. It feels like Limbo - because that's what it is!!

I know that the R conversation will happen eventually, I've got no idea how it will go, or what outcome I'm going to be rooting for.

I know what our R is missing right now - emotional intimacy, trust & respect. I think without trust and respect as a foundation - emotional intimacy can't be supported or gained in a R.

It's frustrating, because I know things could be great between us, but it's all IF's and BUTS.

Then there's the kids who are gonna end up getting hurt so much by this mess - I hate that more than anything.

Vent over, sorry had to get all that off my chest, right back to the dissertation.

Bill


Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
So why do you have to move out again?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 434
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 434
Hi Bond

I guess I don't have to move out really, well it's all hypothetical at the moment. The last time we had an R talk - my W asked me if I would move out to see what it would be like separated. I said to her, 'You are the one who is unhappy, so why don't you leave'? To which she replied, 'If I have to move out, I'm taking the kids with me'. Now I don't know if that is an idle threat or not, but I would feel really low uprooting my kids from their home.

To be fair, I didn't realise 'til now that what she had said, had such an impact on my thinking about moving out.

I think I need to stop thinking about it & just see how it plays out over the next few weeks.

I mean hypothetically if my W still wants separation & was prepared to take the kids away from their home, could you let that happen?

I know what she has said is manipulative, but I don't think I could let the above scenario happen and still sleep at night.

Bill


Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
"To which she replied, 'If I have to move out, I'm taking the kids with me'. "

Don't ever let her threaten you with the children again. If she pulls cr@p like that you have to put your foot down and tell her that she will not use the children as leverage. That it is an issue between you and her and that she will not use the children as pawns. State again that you and the children were not unhappy so you will not be moving.

Don't give in to the fear.

My W did the same thing. Said the same thing. So I told her the same thing that if she was unhappy then she should leave. She moved that day. She also said she would take the kids, so I told her that we would be splitting custody and that I would set the terms. Which she agreed to.

Sometimes you have to remember that you have a pair in your pants and you can't let your W threaten you all the time. Don't live under the guise of fear. If you're afraid of her taking your children, get legal counsel so you have that card in your pocket.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 434
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 434
Originally Posted By: MrBond
"To which she replied, 'If I have to move out, I'm taking the kids with me'. "

Don't ever let her threaten you with the children again. If she pulls cr@p like that you have to put your foot down and tell her that she will not use the children as leverage. That it is an issue between you and her and that she will not use the children as pawns. State again that you and the children were not unhappy so you will not be moving.

Don't give in to the fear.

My W did the same thing. Said the same thing. So I told her the same thing that if she was unhappy then she should leave. She moved that day. She also said she would take the kids, so I told her that we would be splitting custody and that I would set the terms. Which she agreed to.

Sometimes you have to remember that you have a pair in your pants and you can't let your W threaten you all the time. Don't live under the guise of fear. If you're afraid of her taking your children, get legal counsel so you have that card in your pocket.


Thanks for clearing that up for me, I think you just said everything I wanted to (retrospectively) say, but didn't have the b*lls to say or think at the time.

I won't fall for that trick next time!!

Thanks Bond


Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 434
B
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 434
I think my last counselling session has affected my thinking more on my sitch, since I've had time to reflect on what I was saying and feeling.

I think I'm only just realising exactly what my W's infidelity means to me & I've got some real soul searching to do, because I'm not sure if this is a deal breaker for me.

I've started to notice more & more the way my W is short & speaks down to me. She conveys no respect or emotion for me & she is still a WAS and behaving like a (not a nice person)!

I've started to realise that she uses sex to keep the status quo, so she can keep on doing what she wants in this (dis)functional relationship.

I feel like throwing in the towel & walking away today, because besides protecting my kids from harm, I don't know why I'm trying to save this M.

I'm just going to keep on my own path of improvements & do what makes me happy. My kids happiness are still my priority, but I'm just having real trouble picturing a healthy relationship with my W again.

I don't know how I'll feel in the future, but right now, I want out and think that's where I'm headed. I'm not even bothered about being with someone else I'm just tired of being treated like a doormat and have had enough.

I'm not going to make any snap decisions, I've still got a month before the R talk 'ceasefire' is over, so I don't know how I'll feel then.

Bill


Me 34 W 32
D 9 S 6
M: 9 years
T: 12
Bomb: 02/11/12
EA/PA: 12/17/11 - ongoing
Moved out: Oct 2012
Joint Filed for D: 2/11/13

Don't just GAL, find yourself and be happy
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 41
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 41
Originally Posted By: breakdownbill
I've started to notice more & more the way my W is short & speaks down to me. She conveys no respect or emotion for me & she is still a WAS and behaving like a (not a nice person)!

I've started to realise that she uses sex to keep the status quo, so she can keep on doing what she wants in this (dis)functional relationship.


I'm not in a situation where my WAW is ML'g with me, hell I hardly remember what sex feels like anymore, but I do have to seriously wonder if at the moment it is getting in the way of your detaching. You yourself mentioned earlier that you're just going through the motions, and now you're talking about how she's using your lust to control you.

Quote:
I feel like throwing in the towel & walking away today, because besides protecting my kids from harm, I don't know why I'm trying to save this M.


I've been having exactly the same thoughts lately. I was getting really frustrated with myself and angry until it occurred to me that this is actually a positive sign--you're implicitly saying you realized you have a future beyond your current sitch no matter what. You're not saying 'why bother', your asking 'what if'.

Quote:
I'm just going to keep on my own path of improvements & do what makes me happy. My kids happiness are still my priority, but I'm just having real trouble picturing a healthy relationship with my W again.

I don't know how I'll feel in the future, but right now, I want out and think that's where I'm headed. I'm not even bothered about being with someone else I'm just tired of being treated like a doormat and have had enough.


To your point, you can only change you--and you have control over your decision about where to set your boundaries.


(formerly crushd)
Married 14 yrs
M41/W43/D7/S4
M: MLC, major depression/W: WAW
Bomb 2/26/12, 2 days before anniversary
Detachment, Grown Apart, "I love you like the father of my children", EA/PA?
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
You are going to be cycling through these emotions for awhile. You have to stick to one consistent thought and follow through each and every time. It's the only way to make whatever changes you made, stick.

Just a week ago you were mentioning how much you were ML and how much you love her, etc. Now you're saying you're done.

You can't be loving to her one minute and then hate her the next. How about using the ML opportunity to strengthen that intimacy? How about doing something completely different in the bedroom that would blow her mind and again show her why she married you?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
Page 3 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard