Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 11 1 2 3 4 10 11
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,696
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,696
Post May 16

Tomorrow is our 14th anniversary. Two weeks ago he asked me what I wanted to do on our anniversary and I said I had marked it off the calendar. He asked if I wanted to go to dinner. I said yes, and later he added that we will go dancing. So tomorrow I'm going to buy a new outfit because it worked better for us to celebrate Friday night.

I changed my approach with him a little after evaluation, as DB technique says to do. I noticed long days between seeing each other doesn't seem to be as good as more frequent shorter visits. Like every 2 or 3 days and definitely some alone time for hugging, cuddling and intimacy.

I see a distinct change in him relating to me. Many more loving gestures and desire for me. It's like he is splitting his life between me and the party bug. It's so hard to stay on track and not be distracted with his constant partying. Although in some ways it's easier since we are physically separated because he doesn't see me on a bad day at home and he says I always look very nice when he sees me.

I almost melted on Friday when we met for Mexican food and some games of pool. He asked to sit in my car with me. We cuddled lovingly for a while. He looked at me SO intently. When he went to say goodbye he took my face in his hands and kissed me very lovingly. Not for a long time but very sweetly. It's the first real affection I've seen in probably six months although we have ML many times.


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,696
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,696
As things inch (baby steps) towards getting better, I continually find my emotions hard to keep under control. My H has activities to go to this weekend (doesn't offer what they are) and I'm dying to know. But to keep our positive changes happening, I need to keep on keeping on! I don't ask him where he is going, where he has been or who he is with. If he offers that information, I try to listen as a friend would -- interested but not prying.

I'm giving him plenty of space. And truthfully, am being rewarded. Last night at 9:30 pm he called me "just because". That is a goal I had on my list. He wanted to tell me how I need to be acknowledged in Homeschooling our oldest son. This son got a 35 (out of 36) on his ACT and I home schooled him all 12 years. He's gotten lots of scholarships for this fall. So my H wanted to say how much he appreciated my hard work. Words of approval are not his love language so he hemmed and hawed for a while before it came out. But when he did say it -- it was beautiful -- music to my ears!

Being it was the night before our 14th anniversary, and that we are physically separated, it really meant a lot!

I wanted so much to post "happy anniversary" to H on FaceBook as he did to me two years ago. But I had to ask myself if that would bring me closer to my goal and I think it would not unless he posts it first. But he didn't, he just texted it to me. So I'll be happy with what I get and not wish for more.

A month ago we were talking about lawyers and divorce and those subjects never come up now. It's a good day!


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,696
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,696
Tonight we have our anniversary dinner. When I saw H 2 days ago I timidly asked if he was planning on having me stay overnight at HP. He said, "well, that's the plan."

I bought a new maxi red dress, sleeveless, with a plunging neckline. Although with all the weight I have lost -- there is nothing to see! but it's a 180 for me. I'm not exactly excited about tonight, but am trying to be. Its so numbing to have this anniversary and for us to be living separately. I am trying to not understand it, but live with it. Happily.

H went to a social networking event yesterday evening (girls, drinks, music) and gushed on FB about how lovely it was. Part of me is happy he is able to express his feelings openly (something he has struggled with) and part of me is insanely jealous! This DBing would be easy if it weren't for these wild emotions!


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,696
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,696
So we had our wonderful anniversary celebration. I had a great time! He bought me simple flowers for our anniversary, no card. I choked up a little when we had a glass of wine at HP before leaving for the restaurant. He has always done our toasts. He said that although our future is uncertain, we can be thankful for what we have now. That was so hard to hear. I tried not to cry, I said nothing was wrong. But a few tears came out. He said since he hasn't decided one way or the other that says something, I tried to quickly drink the wine to get past that moment. It worked, I became my cheerful, bubbly self & we had a great evening. I stayed till 10 the next morning & he made me breakfast. I loved it!
I cried at breakfast too for just a couple minutes. For these past two months I just give, give, give at home to our S12 and S18. They are great boys but children are by nature takers. So to have someone make ME breakfast was overwhelming. Even when H was at home, I did all the cooking except he made waffles Sunday mornings and I helped him with it. But I got past that teary place this morning too & it was great! Now it's Saturday night & he's out partying with hus friends. :-(


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,696
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,696
H came out to the house today. It was a great visit. I noticed much more affection. Hand holding, touching me gently if he passed me in the house, laying on the bed and cuddling. I made a delicious lunch and he really enjoyed it. He took a walk outside by himself (we have 20 acres) in the rain with his boots and raincoat and he was so refreshed when he got back!

He spent time with each boy and lots of time with me as he was here 5 hours. We napped together (cuddling) which is something we always love to do.

I had prepared myself mentally for this visit. This morning, I read the 37 rules. I reread in the DR book under "wait and watch". I think I had messed up on our anniversary date by being too gushing, which is my nature. So today, I was just warm, friendly, and encouraging. We ML every time we see each other which is usually 2-3 times a week. H said he wants to take me to dinner (nice place, dress up, full evening type) every two weeks, come to the house to visit me and the boys (like today) every week, and have midweek encounter where I meet him at HP for light dinner, pool & swim or hot tub--that sort of thing.

As I write this, it doesn't sound too bad. I saw in DR that Michelle says not to worry if your marriage gets into a holding pattern. I suppose it's where healing over time takes place. It takes patience and I'm happy to learn that trait, which is NOT my nature. I think my strategy should lie between the LRT and "wait and watch".

At one point, I wanted so badly to ask about our R. I looked at him. He looked at me. He said, "what?" I said "nothing" and walked away. I realized, as I was preparing the lunch in the kitchen, I had actually experienced power--the power of self-control! It was awesome! I really liked it!

I realized, in the middle of the night last night, I'm in complete denial over what has happened to our family. Yesterday evening, our boys and I made seasoned popcorn and fruit smoothies and watched a nature documentary. For years, this has been a favorite Saturday night family activity. I was checked our emotionally as I yearned for the past when H was here. That is cheating myself and my boys. It's a cheap copout, not wanting to accept the present.

As I described above, our life is not bad, visitation with H is going very well, money is no problem and I don't work, just homeschool & take care of the house & property. So it remains to accept who I am right now and who I am becoming, who he is right now and who he us growing into, and providing a happy home for our boys.

He has left to go to a BBQ, parade, and "hot bod" contest as a spectator, with a bunch of guys this afternoon/evening. Detach, detach, detach. At least he tells me now almost all his activities. He offers. I don't pry.

I keep rebelling against acceptance, internal anger sometimes appears as well. I want to move to acceptance. Any ideas from anyone on how to bridge the gap?


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
Hi, I got interested in you thread because of the homeschooling. WE also HS our sons. Congrats on the scholarships for the 18 yr old.

Now, I hate to be Debbie Downer but I what if your H is having sex along with all his partying? Are you using protections when you have sex with him?

How do you really feel about your current R with H?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,696
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,696
Thanks labug. I'm glad to think things through.

H and I together planned this three month separation. We took about four hours in February and outlined our boundaries. We laughed, we cried, we planned. I feel we have been abiding by those boundaries. I just was shocked at how painful its been. Examples of a behavior expected: texting or talking every day. I let him contact me. He does once, twice or more per day.

We agreed to intimacy at least once a week to help with another boundary, no dating for either of us. He has been careful, at least as far as I can tell, to only party in group situations. He is mimicking behavior he had in high school -- a large group of shallow friends doing events together. His sister that died, (initiating, I believe, the MLC) was only a year older than him. I feel he is doing these behaviors that they did together as sort of a replay?

I feel you never really know for sure about OP. Trust is a big issue with us. So, I've chosen to not protect myself sexually. If I saw something that didn't look right I would make a different decision. But I haven't. So......?

Regarding our current R, I feel it's too fluid to know what it even is! I'm excited about the type of events my H attends, and would eventually like to be a part if some of it, but not all. Art shows, motorcycle bike nights, wine tastings, wine sharing, we've started attending Broadway shows, which we didn't used to do. The occasional concert, live music, it's a part of our life that was missing for a long time. I also would like (him too) to do some home entertaining and have a beautiful outdoor room we would build together. We work very well together on common goals and we would like to start investing money.

These are some hopes/dreams on hold for us that I can't discuss or pursue with him right now.

Now, that H is giving me more personal attention, I'm finding myself falling in love with him again. Excited about everything about him. A year ago I didn't feel that way at all. Jan of 2012 I was feeling that I had a right to relationship with him. And in a quiet way, I was demanding. Now I want him to love me. It's a different feeling. I like the phrase I see on this forum sometimes. I want to be a woman only a fool would leave.


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
Quote:
If I saw something that didn't look right I would make a different decision. But I haven't. So......?


I'm not sure if you mean if you see something in his behavior or see something physically. Better safe than sorry, either way

Sounds like you're having fun. Do you attend events similar to what he's doing?


I hope it works out for you.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,696
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 1,696

I guess I mean if I suspected in any way he wasn't telling the truth, I would change.

About events, or GAL. I have done some 180's since the beginning of the year, although not the same as his. I joined a fitness boot camp and went two months twice a week, I wanted to gain five pounds, but lost it instead and can't seem to get it back! frown
I joined a gardening class, then a cake decorating class. I went to a Broadway show with my S18 and a family girlfriend. I took my boys to a niece's graduation in a neighboring state last weekend. There was a party and I kept the boys out till midnight. S12 told H how late we were out. I didn't!

So, I've had some events. Also, some incidents here at home I dealt with, without H. Rattlesnake in the kitchen and separately putting a dog down we had for eight years, and digging the grave and burying her here. Also, I NEVER did yard work in my life and I'm doing it all & there's a lot of it!

So not all exactly a social GAL, but all 180's for me. I really didn't/couldn't do anything without him. So I'm growing stronger and I feel his respect for me growing as well.

I really appreciate you engaging with me. It's been so lonely with very few friends or family members I feel comfortable sharing with. And they all have their opinions on what I should do. As you have yours about intimacy. And it's sound advice, I thank you for it and for listening.


Me54/H47
'08 H is "done"
March '12 H moved out
Brink of D, December '12
2014 totally reconciled!
......
"I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal."
Jim Conway
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
I'm just offering a word of caution. I friend of mine got the gift that keeps on giving from her H. They were S (after 30yr M), got back together, he said he hadn't been with anyone...

Now, they are D, and she's dating and has to tell potential partners this. Not good.

By your mention of "partying drug" did you mean he's addicted to partying?

I'm glad you're getting out, doing fun things and stretching your independence.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Page 2 of 11 1 2 3 4 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard