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Joined: Feb 2012
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You sound like you are skipping along just fine. Great 48 rule you have! I started that too a while ago - though not a full 48 hours, so maybe I will stretch it out to that.

One thing that I kept thinking when reading your posts was about was the book A Woman's Guide to Changing Her Man: Without His Even Knowing It by divorce busting queen MWD for some was to lower his resistance a bit.

Also, that resistance trait your H has, is one my H has as well. Most men do. I have since realised that my hammering home something creates more resistance too and doesn't work, and I can see you have discovered that as well. I wish I had learned or known about different ways of approaching my H, and we might not be where we are. But that's there the book above will help in giving you ideas on new ways.

And, eventually H will get to see the changes you have made. In fact, he probably already has just hasn't said anything. My own H was very much like that - everyone else saw changes, and my H was the last to say something (though he noticed a lot sooner than he let on).

You are doing well!

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I just read your thread and wanted to say thank you for sharing all of your thoughts and insight. I found myself nodding along as I read.

I really enjoyed the "letting go of the outcome" I find myself worrying about outcomes and reminding myself that I am making these changes for me regardless of the outcome. Of course I only switched to this new philosophy fully this week so I'm sure it's all very new. But wanted to tell you your insights have been really helpful to me tonight.
thank you

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Hey Zig,

Snap! I had an infected tooth last weekend - that hot iron spike is a killer!

Thank goodness for meds.

My dentist said tooth-grinding in sleep is a factor in these sorts of things - I was not surprised.

I'm now into 12 weeks of root-canal treatment. In the dentist's chair is a damn good time to practice those meditation techniques!

Best,
NLW.

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thank you for your kind words brit - i've been following your sitch even though i haven't posted.

i give credit for that phrase to my IC - we talked about that last week.

maybe we should start a thread - best advice from our IC's, and people could post these sorts of things, so the rest of us could benefit?

i've noticed often that when i am reading others posts, they will mention something they worked through in C or what their C said - and it helps me tons.

i hope you are well and feeling a bit more peace with letting go. the relief that comes along with it grows everyday and allows me to turn my focus more and more towards myself and what is really important.

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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while that drill is going non-stop? wow, your concentration must be amazing!

i don't know if i'll have that luxury - that is the opportunity to meditate while they work on it. in my case it's more like, knock zig out so she's almost dead , so we can work on her.

i'm visualizing that after the meds, they don't have to do anything in my mouth. will have to wait till next week to find out - since its memorial day weekend.

off to a potluck - baked scones with s this afternoon to take over - planning to have a great time, and try my violin out for the first time since the accident. the host is tuning it right now - sons's idea - you can never figure out what these kids are unto....

still digesting what went down between s and me this afternoon while we were mixing the scones - will post about it later

hope you're having a good weekend NLW and thanks for stopping by smile

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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thanks YC - i need to read all these books

i don't know if i'm exactly "skipping along" - what i am trying to do very hard is stay in a good place as much as i can - by turning my focus to other things, even if it is just for a little while. i'm learning that when one does that it creates space, which allows for more insight and healing.

i guess when one turns the focus AWAY from what one is resisting (and we all know what THAT is) and instead towards something that one doesn't feel any resistance or angst about, it allows us to relax and then the real stuff can find it's way to the surface. then i deal with it and get back to a good place.

when that stuff rises though - i'm a sobbing mess, but it's less intense each time, and what's beautiful is that after i get through it, i feel a bit more space that is lighter. it's like you're allowing yourself to release the really deep stuff when you don't focus on the current cause of angst.

thanks for stopping by YC- i wondered how you were doing earlier today - have to "rush off" to the potluck - already late, so will post more tonight

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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thanks joyful girl - i love your username smile

something is screwy here with the posts - i didn't see yours until this morning - luckily i was reading back!

I think it helps to consider that all of this happens for a reason. There is a lesson in everything; we just have to remain open. The most illuminating stuff doesn't come to us easily, but sometimes it takes something profoundly painful to wake us up to a new, improved reality. One that deep down, we *needed* to discover, but couldn't go there until we almost had no choice.

i've "known" this from the start - but gosh - the way our minds and hearts work - one would thing that "knowing" this would just allow us to peacefully move forward, understanding the reasons for why it is happening, with no resistance whatsoever, just confident that this is the next stage of our lives.

but acceptance added to the above, puts us under a whole other system of pressure that takes an inordinate time to resolve. i'm starting to see that before there is acceptance, there are a whole series of steps to go through - and for me they involve a deeper and deeper understanding of how i was, what i have to emotionally work on and release and the new place i come to.

i wonder if acceptance only really begins to come, when one changes so much that one literally isn't the same person they were before, and then the old "needs" don't apply anymore?

i couldn't see that before, when i hadn't changed and resolved enough issues to be truly in a different place, but now as the shift is happening i start to feel that?

thank you for your kind wishes jg - and i am touched by the thought that i could possibly inspire anyone - i hope that you are doing well - you sound strong yourself - which is impressive,

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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I love the idea of that IC thread!

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journaling

and brit - yes we should start it.

had a ragged day today - sharp edges and a lot of wobbling and teetering over, but now at the end of the day a lot has come to light for myself.

i'm seeing our relationship in another light and understanding more deeply why it didn't work.

a conversation with mil, and thought what i discovered didn't come up during it, it was triggered by something she said.

i found that even though i thought i trusted h implicitly during our marriage, it wasn't true. i didn't trust him, and that's how i sabotaged a lot in the relationship.

it was a real eye-opener for me - to find that out. a few days ago i had finally been able to understand how disappointed i was in how he functioned and had hidden that emotion behind anger, but now when i realize how much i didn't trust him, it's back to me and the reasons for it.

so of course it leads to the whole fixer/controller issues i had and why i have them. it's painful to let go of the control, and as i let go of it, these things are coming to light.

so i had this crazy dream right before i woke up this morning that had me ragged through most of the day. it was like there was such a strong message there and i couldn't get the message. the dream itself was about one of my biggest fears in this sitch - h marrying ow and to boot, my mom was hanging out with her!! in the dream i was not angry or hurt or upset - just incredibly frustrated. the emotion was huge.

so of course i was freaked when i woke up - i felt as if my sub-conscious was betraying me utterly by letting me dream that.

but at our cookout this evening i talked to one of s's friends mom whose a therapist and asked her what her take on dreams was.

i didn't tell her what the dream was about . i just said that in the dream one of my very conscious fears was playing out that i didn't want to happen and that the emotion i felt in the dream was incredible frustration.

she replied that i was just working my fears out and that it didn't mean it was going to happen. i asked her if there was a message in the emotion i felt and she said that what was always a good starting point was to take that emotion and ask myself "how can i help others with this?" and that it would lead to an opening of ideas and thoughts that would just keep moving.

i don't know if i explained that very well. but i came home and then it hit me - the frustration i feel has been there for years - and i've always been passive about it - and that how i could help others is by finding a way to get rid of it within myself. and then i saw how i still after all this reading and working on myself, continue to feel incredibly frustrated because i actually don't take the right action for me and others.

i don't talk to and let h know when something is bothering me. i'm waiting for him to fix it, because isn't it so obvious already that it's a problem? thoughts like that started coming into my mind and it led me to call him and apologize for blowing off him wanting to make another appointment with the therapist for s (a month ago - i was frustrated because he hadn't made it for 2 weeks and called to suggest doing it the evening of the day we had agreed to go)

to my utter amazement and confusion, he just simply said yes we could go - very coolly, and said he'd set it up.

even then, i found myself not trusting his yes - but am going to stay with it and LEARN to trust when he says he'll do something that he means it. i'm finding myself wondering whether that was more the case in the past, but because i didn't trust him, i caused whatever it was to fail or not go as well. i'm still disconcerted and not sure at all if he really wants to go or is just saying yes because i asked, but maybe it's time for me to change my way of thinking and understand that his is a different way to go about things (in my mind, if he had really wanted to go he would have pushed the issue, right???)

so i'm learning a lot here - not so easy to put into words, but new awarenesses on a "feeling/sensing" level.

aaah , i wish i could say all i wanted to say in a shorter more compact form - i admire all of you that can write so concisely - it embarrasses me that my posts are so long!!

btw - s and i had a great time tonight - the works - lots of laughter, lots of playing and a good weeping session by me in the driveway - yes i have wonderful friends - even that didn't put a damper on the party - we just laughed about it together - that was a first for me!! weeping at a party!!

but it's good now

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: May 2012
Posts: 1,108
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So there were about 5 places I wanted to quote and say YES me too!!! LOL

I had quite a few dreams like that. One where I met her and I thought she and him were just friends now and then she casually said so when do you plan to change your last name and then I flipped out on him. I too got angry that even in my dreams I was robbed of peace.

I totally know what you mean about not trusting. It happened so many times. And I still have to stop myself from reminding him about appointments and instead giving him that space to be independent.

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