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zig Offline OP
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am proud of myself - a new 180 for myself tonight. found out from s (his 1st night back) that h has once again arbitrarily changed s's inhaler dose for his asthma - in spite of 2 very specific conversations in the last 2 weeks that i had with him where i thought it was clear that we would talk to each other before he changed it on his own. (he had done the same the last time s was there and i pointed out that it was half the dose and he agreed to do the whole dose. then last week he tried to talk me into taking s off the meds entirely and i said i simply wasn't comfortable with that and we should look into something else before we do that - he agreed)

i had to really keep my cool in front of s - went out for a smoke and talked myself down to a calmer place. i decided for once to give myself the 48 hr. rule before i talk to h about it. this issue, is of course extremely sensitive because it concerns s's health and decisions about it - which is what h fought me about the MOST for 10 yrs.

i'm not choosing the dose - the asthma specialist is - but h doesn't want to agree with it and wants s off the medicine cold turkey. if it wasn't s's life - i swear i'd let him test his theory - but i don't dare. i've spent way too many sleepless nights watching that child breathe to even risk it.

s is doing the best he has with his asthma ever since we switched to this specialist and followed his advice and h agreed when i pointed it out to him last week.

i've got to the point where i don't really give a hick what he's doing or what his state of mind is and how hard it is for him to remember things etc - but this is sons' health and i need to find the calmest, most appropriate way to get h and i on the same page. i'd like to see s without all this medicine too, but not just because we feel like it.

i see how things haven't changed so much for him - it's the same issue we always had - in the conversation, he agrees with me - at the doctor's he agrees with the doctor, but afterwards he says he didn't agree at all and wants to do it differently.

this is not part of his crisis, this is the part of his personality that makes it very difficult for him to say how he feels about stuff.

so my 180 is not to call him while i'm a bit agitated about this, and to wait until i have perspective and have completely and utterly calmed down. the old me would have been on the phone pronto confronting big time.

now it's the tactful gentle moves i'm developing and learning here (grin!!)

anyone dealt with kids and meds and WAS's not administering them correctly? how have you dealt with it - how have you solved it?

i don't want to make a big deal about this, because it has always BEEN a big deal, now i want to "do something different" to make this into a non-issue

and if anyone thinks that i am overreacting here, please tell me - i know i'm sensitive about s's asthma

thanks
zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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zig Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: labug
No posts lately, nothing new.

But I'm in a good place.

"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is" : )

That and knowing what you want vs what you need.


hey sweet - glad about that.

you know i wondered about that - i've been reading your posts to others the last week or 2 and i've noticed a new tone of serenity in them that i don't think was there before.

of course, if you read my last post you'll see that i'm nowhere near serene or enlightened

there is a dilemma there now isn't there - when it comes to the kids and meds - does one apply quiet acceptance there too or fight like a big fierce mama bear?

hmm, that would be a good one for the Buddha!!

and you saying 'nothing new" - how could that be true? there is new stuff everyday - even the quiet little everyday things that pass unnoticed. you should post about those sometimes too - they are more important than we sometimes give them credit for... and much more instrumental to our healing, don't you think?

good to hear from you

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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Hey Zig, you're 24 hours into your 48 hour 180. How are you doing?

Have you asked your husband why he wants to change the meds and what he's basing it on? That just seems odd to take such a decision for meds if you have no medical basis or experience for it.

Hope you have a good weekend.


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Quiet acceptance of what is doesn't mean you allow yourself or others to be hurt.

Would H have a visit with the prescriber to talk about his concerns?

(In my world) Without that S would continue on his regimen. Of course you have no idea what happens when he's with H, so that opens a whole new kettle of fish.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
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zig Offline OP
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thanks ces and labug for your responses.

it's a long story - but the gist of it is that inhaler meds stunt growth, and s10 is the size of a 7 yr old.

genetics do play a role in it - both h and are were under average in size as kids. but s is looking crazy small next to his classmates - he's just over 50 lbs while some of his mates are as much as 80.

h's attitude to the situation stems from his own experiences as a child - being horribly teased for being painfully small and for stuttering. i think he desperately wants s to grow and in his mind thinks that taking him off the meds will let that happen.

just like for everyone else -there are loads of details - but the issue here of course is who decides how much med s takes.

another thing that muddles the situation is that s's asthma is not the type where he suddenly can't breathe. most of his asthma problems arise in the winter, where something like a simple cold will compromise his lungs terribly and it can take upto 2 weeks to recover.

what we found with the new doc was that if we kept him on the correct dose through the summer when there are no symptoms, then the winter months went much better with fewer bouts. before that we always stopped in the summer (our own decision) foolishly thinking oh he's doing so welll, let's take a break, only to have the winter be a nightmare of non-stop illness.

so that's what is bringing this up now - it's turned warm , s is feeling great and so why not drop the meds?

i'm working through my own feelings here - and yes ces - i'm not saying anything until i've worked through all of this.

one of the things that comes up for me is that when s got sick in the past - i take care of him - h has to work and it's out of the question that he would miss work to stay home and take care of s.

this may sound selfish, but now i find myself thinking forward to next winter - if we stop the meds now, and s gets more sick in the winter, it will be me taking care of s while h is at work (we had a bit of an argument a couple of months ago, where i pointed out that h could keep s when he's sick instead of bringing him here and he wailed "but I have to work..."

in a way, h doesn't directly deal with the consequences of this long term - he's been comfortable in the knowledge, that because i want so badly to take care of s during these bouts, it can fall on me and he doesn't really have to deal with it


the other issue that has come up for me is great disappointment in h, this morning. so many conversations where we seem to decide something together and he simply does not seem to follow through. i find myself reliving all those disappointments - from 10 yrs - and feeling so sad. in the past that emotion just got hidden with defensiveness, irritation and anger. and now i can suddenly see that it was simple disappointment.

i need to work through that for myself. and get through it and let it go, before i can broach this subject with h at all.

so the 48 hr rule may stretch out longer, before i can deal with this.

tangled in this is the long conversation we had yesterday, when he came over and asked to talk about summer plans. i was going to post about it, but this med stuff came up. for the first time we talked together, making plans and ideas for what s could be doing this summer and i saw it as a HUGE baby step. now, i find myself wondering - is it just talk again and no follow through on his part? that would be disappointing again.

i look forward to being proven wrong on that score. right now, i'm just going to focus on the positive aspect that hey - we actually HAD that conversation and not worry about what happens next.


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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so after all my debating yesterday about how to go to the parade - unexpected move on h's part.

he called a few minutes ago, and asked what time the parade was (i'd texted it to him last night) i just replied noon. he asked if i was planning to go, and I said actually yes and his response was well why don't you pick up s from his class and i'll meet you there!!

most most unexpected.

of course i can't help thinking (nasty parson that i am), that it works out great for him - he's already on that side of town and if he had to come pick s up, it would be much more inconvenient for him.

oh well - whatever - a bit doormatty today, but who cares. i'm doing it for son.

i'm just going to thank him very sweetly for offering to take s for the afternoon so i can work (7 shawls need to be ready for wed - YAY) and go on my way.

oddly - i don't exactly want to hang out at the parade with him - just with s. funny how things shift. these days i'm not particularly eager to be around him much - probably has to do with all the splitting going on.


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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Hey Zig, Sorry to hear that you are having trouble with H over your son's health.

If it's any comfort at all, I can say that it does seem to be another part of the script.

My H stopped taking his anti-epilepsy medication (which, coincidentally, is used to treat bipolar disorder!) as soon as he went mlc.

I was always the one who wanted him to continue taking it when he blamed it for making him feel depressed (oh, why didn't I put 2 and 2 together back in those early days of obvious discord???).

H has also refused to wear a mouth-guard now that he's playing football and has encouraged S13 not to wear one for sports either. He knows that I think this is dangerous. If I disagree with him over this, he gets more entrenched in his position.

So, anything H can do to resist what he sees as my attempts to control him or the kids, he will do. In a big way. And stopping medication is one of these things.

Doesn't help your sitch, I know, but just thought I'd share.

Great news about the 7 new shawls! Keep it up!

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Quote:
"I am so grateful to h for giving me this opportunity to wake up and find myself and become this wonderful, beautiful woman that I now am."


Excellent perspective!

As difficult as many of our situations may be, I think it helps to consider that all of this happens for a reason. There is a lesson in everything; we just have to remain open. The most illuminating stuff doesn't come to us easily, but sometimes it takes something profoundly painful to wake us up to a new, improved reality. One that deep down, we *needed* to discover, but couldn't go there until we almost had no choice.

Zig, your words are so inspiring. Your journey has touched my heart and I wish you well as you continue on it. smile


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thanks NLW - it helped me to read what you described with your h. and it did help when you pointed it out as being part of the whole pic and to do with resistance

you're right - this is just resistance - and the less i resist, the better off the situation will be.

i'm glad i'm following the 48 hr rule - i'm putting it aside for now - s is here for a week and i can give him the does he needs, and meanwhile i think i'll take the lesser beaten track on this one. instead of talking to h about it, i just realized a few minutes ago, that i am just going to call the nurse and have her discuss it with s directly and let him understand why half the minimum dose is not enough. then i will let s assume responsibility for carrying it out.

some may say that i'm passing it on to my child - but what i hadn't mentioned before is that if h is resistant - s is mirroring him in it, and telling us that he feels much better when he takes less. i believe strongly it is because 1. he absolutely hates taking it and always has and 2. he's using h's resistance as a way to get around it.

so how abouts I do a 180 here and let go of the responsibility, for once. i've carried it in ways no one else can see or understand solo for almost 11 yrs - frankly i need a break!!

thanks again

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

Joined: Feb 2012
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zig Offline OP
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journaling

had a wonderful day with s and his friend.

started out with waking up with the infection in my tooth spreading to my whole face - felt like a hot iron spike in there, but while i waited for the oral surgeon to call in the meds s and i went to the parade - h met us there - not too bad, being around him. the parade was happy wonderful...

h was a bit late and hot and covered in paint and had forgotten his sunglasses so was a bit miserable and complained a lot (laughing). i just didn't take it in, it's not my job to make him comfortable...

he was all ready to leave abruptly - suddenly turned and said out of the blue - ok see you guys later and started to walk off. i replied hey, i thought you were taking s with you. he looked almost shocked and then tried to cover it up and said fine.

(mil told me later that he had told her yesterday that he was taking s for the afternoon, so i don't really know what that was about...)

i went home, got my meds, meditated a long while and then started knitting. he called after 2 hrs to say he was returning s and fil would drop him off. then after s came back, he called an hour later to say he was really sorry and could he take s for the evening so i could work. i happily told him that we had made plans to go over to his mom's with s and his friend to swim after dinner. he said huffily - well, you seem to have everything covered. i didn't respond, but offered that he could take s tomorrow during the afternoon. he wouldn't commit and said he'd call in the morning. i was fine with that.

the boys played with the slip and slide all afternoon while i knitted, then i threw together some crazy dinner without stressing and we ate and went over and swam together.

i blew them away by doing a couple of bombs in the pool - but had to stop when i realized that my ear was also infected and hurt like heck from the water pressure.

but the three of us had a lovely time laughing and playing and then they wanted a sleepover. so we went to friends house to get his stuff and had a drink, and then came back and realized that the air mattress could only be blown up in the driveway with the car charger!!

so there were the 3 of us giggling and laughing in the dark outside at 10 pm blowing up the mattress. it was definitely mentioned that the "old zig" wouldn't have done it!!

just had a lot of laughs today with the boys - they are healing to me. i've always spent a ton of time with s and his friends and always feel so good with them. they teach me a lot about staying in the moment and unconditional love.


h has been offering a lot that he should take s so i can work. keeps implying that there's no way i can get my work done if s is around. i find it a bit odd, but then he really doesn't know the changes i've made, and doesn't seem to care to find out. he would be blown away to see how differently i function now - how i can transition easily, not get stressed about anything that's going on and how much faster i can knit. when he left 10 mos. ago, i would do one shawl over 2 -3 days because my neck was still in bad shape - now i do them straight through in 2 to 4 hrs. he has no idea. i also don't stress about working like i used to before.

so i guess it's understandable that he has this different picture - in a way one could say that there is an alien here in place of the old zig - but a very friendly happy loving one, who has only changed in positive ways smile

i've decided that i'm going to take him up on his offers to take s. mostly because then s gets to spend more time with him, and i get to put my little goal in place - that s gets to see both of us more and more frequently, no matter which house he is at.

so all in all, things were great today and i look forward to a similar day tomorrow.

got a potluck to go to, and my yoga class


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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