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AT makes a good reference that while DB is what we follow, all DB can be open to interpretation based on our unique sitches.

So while you may be or are going to go LRT, you can modify it to some degree, just as you modify dark to "dim" in consideration of your S.

OK, not sure what your friend suggested, I'm short on time and going back into semi retirement again... cool

But here's my take on this:

Do nothing BECAUSE OF the OW. Good notice that you are reacting to your H's being with her. When making any choices, make sure that they do not (for the most part, I'll note this later) have anything to do with OW.

In regards to taking duties / time with your S while your H is working, that is great. But in the "normal world" you would need to make arrangements for your S when you are working. Job hunting is just like working.

Now here's the part about when to consider OW in the equation. At this time, my opinion is that your S should have as limited contact with OW as possible. Unless your H and OW have set a wedding date, his R with her could just as easily be short term and otherwise confusing for your S.

So having S while H is with OW... well, that's kinda a no brainer IMHO...

(using the non-but that I think we are using around here now) having said that...

If the alternative to you staying at home is that S is with H and possibly OW... then consider that your schedule with S would mean that you would get child care / baby sitters for your S.

So is this a boundary issue?

Yes, it can be. The boundary being that you have to find work and also that you do not want S around OW unless your H is planning on M her.

So my thought would be, tell H that you are actively seeking employment and as such will need temporary daycare for S during times when you need to go for interviews or other things you cannot take S with you. Have some options at the ready. You will be looking to have H pay AT LEAST half. Possibly the full amount as you are still financially dependent on him.

WHEN you have that convo with him, please remember the 48 hour rule.

There is a possibility that he will be upset... or have a million questions... or suggest he take S even if he will be with OW...

IF and what ever he might say, say nothing other than "I need to think on that, I will let you know in a day or two" and then post here and we will support you to work on your new position.

Good luck...

{{{zig}}}

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verab - thanks for your brilliant post.

and the hug, and for being so sweet and saying that i don't need a 2 x 4 for everything i'm doing. when the "evidence' is bad, i think i go into the "blame myself for everything coaster ride" and can't see the forest for the trees!!
got to get myself out of that one!!

I think part of "rectifying" the situation about having H not tell you about his OW plans is to act as if you don't care about what he's doing.

yes! you're correct. my insisting he not tell me, is giving him the very strong message that i care too much.

i have been too scared to say certain things to h. and now, i can see that i have always been that way. and ironically he is too scared to say certain things to me. we both do that because we are worried about the other person's reaction.

here's a 180 for me - i have finally got to the point where i can see that i avoid stuff with h because i'm scared of his reaction. and now, when i'm not any longer threatened by the idea of divorce, i am at the point where saying certain things seem suddenly so simple and easy. he's not 'holding " something over me any longer (e.g.. his anger, his threats of divorce etc)

thanks for your advice verab:)

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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thanks always trying

sorry i didn't reply earlier - in the middle of all of this i went to have a tooth pulled and the rest of the day was spent in "recovery"

it was really soothing for me to read your description about how messy all of this is. and your suggestion of just making a design and going with it and just letting go of the anxiety of what it's effect may be, is exactly what i want to aim for.

I think by being flexible with your schedule, you are enabling H's affair, and that is not something you should be putting yourself through

i think the reason i got so upset last weekend was because that's how i felt - that inadvertently i had managed to not only enable what he was doing, but bloody volunteered for it. i was mad at him, but waaay more mad at myself. i am being too nice and it does NOT work for me.

i am going to make it clear for him now - we need to make a schedule and stick to it. and if things come up as they sometimes do, i am going to start requiring that he figure out his role in dealing with it and not dump s on me. i have even saying that because i WANT s all the time, but not in this way.

I think you can handle the affair with grace without aiding and abetting it. It's not OK. I don't think there is any reason to legitimize it. He should feel guilty and sheepish about it every time.

oh i hope i can - handle it with grace and dignity.

i know he is going to push me hard during this discussion - how openly should i talk about it - i've stayed away from any discussion about her for months now - and need to make clear for myself exactly what stand i need to take on this before tackling it.

i think i'll write down and post later how i am join got put it and hope i get feedback from all of you as to what is the best way to say it.

thanks always - and thanks for the link - yes i was very scattered and all over the place for the last 2 days and venting a lot. i did meditate and do my self-hypno and feel grounded again this morning.

hope you're good today:)
zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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thanks so much KD - and sorry to hear about your semi-retirement - i'm assuming it has to do with how much time you spend on the board?

just to clarify - i am working : at home. i have a small business that i'm trying to get off the ground here - and being a bit slow about it.

since i work at home - it IS easy for me to have s here - all day everyday. it is admittedly a bit distracting, and i'm working on staying focused when he's here.


so the issue of me going out to get a job and babysitter etc doesn't really apply. it's more about how flexible i should be and to what extent, without being taken for granted here.

all you wrote about making boundaries with h about contact between ow and s is really good advice.

i wonder though if you would suggest another course in light of what has come out since you wrote your post. i'd be interested to know if you would still suggest the same.

to start with, i am wondering who is DB'in there - me or h!! sometimes i swear he's doing a better job of it than i am.

anyway -h did call last night - i knew he would after ow left. he just can't seem to have contact with us while he's with her.

i decided to go ahead and discuss the issue of schedule right away - but kept it very light and casual. just said h i was a bit unsettled about how things went last week with the schedule being suddenly changed. you and i have done such a great job of communicating on this and keeping things clear all these months, that i am puzzled as to why it suddenly changed.

he asked me what i meant, so i had to describe it to him.

and then i got the real answer that i needed to hear:

the schedule mess only happened because s didn't go on that wedding trip with h's parents. that he had planned ow's visit to coincide with s being out of town. which he said to me in a slightly whiny complaining voice. so i guess he was trying to make an effort to "do things right"

i also found out later in the evening - that mil and fil were fully aware that she was here - because he specifically went over and told them so that they would avoid coming over to the house or dropping by and see her, as he did not want them to meet.

so what is clear to me is that h is AT LEAST PRESENTLY making huge efforts to NOT let ow be a part of our lives. for him to actually go tell his parents that she's here and not to come over? wtf?

(on the other hand, i was informed through a friend, that he openly hung out with ow and his friends - in fact invited them over to his new house to see it - it's a complete dump, apparently should be torn down rather than renovated - and they couldn't even go in because the renter won't move out ! apparently they hung out in the yard for a bit!)

so all of it part of the insane behavior, right?

but my question of course is: is it wise to bring up and make very sensitive boundaries when he himself seems to be making the same one?

would it be preferable to just start with the one about the schedule and making things clear, and IF that comes up, then discuss it? my instinct is telling me that if i did say that s and ow shouldn't meet yet, that will be the very reason it will happen.

i will write another post in a bit, to journal what happened this morning

thanks for your time KD - you all have been such a godsend to me - i will never be able to repay the debt i owe to a ll of you here as well as all the amazing people that i am surrounded with in my life. the universe has definitely got my back and it's taken this sitch to help me realize that

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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journaling

h told me last night that s wanted to go unto the studio with him at the uni and bee there everyday with him while he taught summer school. so found out at 8.30 last night that h was going to pick him up at 8.15 this morning and then keep him for his turn.

i was kind of out of it on painkillers, and didn't really care to press the issue. besides , it was to my advantage, as then i could get to work.

this morning though - not on painkillers, i decided that since our original agreement was that he was taking s in the evening, i told s that he will be coming back for a few hours in the afternoon, so we could finish his room that we'd been rearranging and isn't get done. s got really teary-eyed and upset and said he didn't want to do that, so i had to let it go.

i know i'm a softie - but i'm just join got let it pass on this one. we've totally disregarded the feel ins of this child in the last few days. didn't tell him anything, and made him wait and guess on his own. it sucked for him and on top of it, he had to deal with the far that his dad totally blew him off for a week, while he was in town!

during breakfast s and i had to go through a difficult conversation, that we managed to resolve and then i went out on the back deck, ready to have a little weep, but h came in.

they came out on the deck and h was carrying s and so i didn't see his face for the first minute. and then i got the shock and surprise of my life!!

THE CRAZY ASS THING OF A MOUSTACHE IS GONE!!

he shaved it off. that's been his red sports car, his wall between him and the world, and i saw his face again.

i think i handled it beautifully and casually. made him feel relaxed - he was very over conscious of it and could at first barely look at me - but his whole demeanor was very relaxed and the old h - he talked in a very warm way - lots of eye contact. and stayed for a bit. at the end he said he'd like to sit together this afternoon and make a schedule for the summer with s's activities and write it all down. he has never ever suggested that - in far the always hated doing that kind of stuff.

of course, it could be he wants things to be crystal clear so he can arrange his trips with ow without it being messy like this past week.

talk about splitting and roller coaster!!

THIS TIME i am prepared - no expectations from him. there's as much possibility of that actually happening as not happening and i'm okay with it.

i am going to practice here later what i would like to say to him regarding how we schedule and keep to the schedule.

i need to go get some work done first

thanks everyone for all the support and holding my hand through this

zig


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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hey zig I will say that when I have been blindsided by things happening between H and his GF he has said that he tries to sheild me from it. So that's probably why he was being whiny what they don't understand is if they acted like an adult we could act like adults and just have a discussion.

Practice here and maybe sending an email would be easier.

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Originally Posted By: zig
at the end he said he'd like to sit together this afternoon and make a schedule for the summer with s's activities and write it all down. he has never ever suggested that - in far the always hated doing that kind of stuff.

of course, it could be he wants things to be crystal clear so he can arrange his trips with ow without it being messy like this past week.


Ahh! You took a positive that you could have just taken as a surface positive and left it at that and instead tried to mindread in negative intent. 2x4!! wink

What's the most important thing here? How about first focusing on giving S an awesome summer schedule? Then focus on how you're going to have an awesome summer? And worrying about H and OW is NOT on that list!

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Forgot to mention -

H is probably worried about how you will react to talking about OW (it comes out with what you described above). If you act like you don't care, eventually he'll get more comfortable (as it looks like he could be doing). Then his thoughts are less concerned with how to hide it from you out of fear for how you might react and more about what he is actually doing with his life.

My H used to do this with me (have preconceived notions about how I would react regardless of whether it was true) when we were first dating. In fact I think it was our first "fight." He went to vegas for spring break. I called him one night and he said he was at a "loud bar." His friend later revealed that they were at a strip club. A seemingly key fact to leave out! He did it because he was afraid of how I would react instead of just saying it and letting me react to it. That's not healthy.

So long story short - if you act like it doesn't bother you, H will notice because a) it's different from how you reacted in the past and b) he'll realize he can be more open with you and c) he can face whatever emotions he has to deal with as consequences of his actions. Does that make sense?

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^^^^^^^ like!

both of Vera's posts are spot on!

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Ahh! You took a positive that you could have just taken as a surface positive and left it at that and instead tried to mindread in negative intent. 2x4!!

i'm laughing here. AFTER i finished the post and was reading it through i added that . SPECIFICALLY to stop myself from having expectations!!

those poor pathetic expectations that at the least, even if he's thrown our marriage in the air , he i could expect that he wants us to co-operate about s's life.

he keeps giving me the message that he does, but in reality it falls far short. so that was a knock to my own head to wake up and realize that there may be ulterior motives on his part, and not to expect that he's doing it for the reasons I MYSELF may expect him to do it for,

does that make sense?


i am seriously not worrying about him and ow doing or not doing whatever. i am only worrying a bit that i can't have things clear about what we are doing with s this summer. that's all i'm concerned about,!!


me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"

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