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#2246308 - 05/18/12 08:36 AM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: zig]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/12
Posts: 934
^^great words from busto. I feel for you, Crimson.

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#2246335 - 05/18/12 10:44 AM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: vera be fierce]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1144
Thanks Busto, Zig et. al. -

Busto, you once again hit the nail on the head. I have always attacked things from the point that I can get her to see things in me, that if I could keep her happy maybe she would see things differently. Nope - doesn't seem to be the case. She is going to have to make her own conclusions on divorced life and what it is going to be like. Thus far, I think I have been emotionally subsidizing a small part of it for her. I gotta stop. It does nothing.

Divorce is ugly, L's are ugly....and someone here on these boards told me long ago that I have to learn to separate my W from my L or I will be consumed by anger. I did that, and it has helped. She hasn't - and that is why she was so angry about the results and proceedings at the settlement hearing.

There had been no communication between us AT ALL since she sent the crappy e-mail earlier this week. It's probably the longest blackout we've had since we started back at counseling. I was getting ready this morning and my cell rang and her picture came up. I literally said out loud to myself "oh hell no!" and didn't pick it up. She left a message. It was her having S leave me a voicemail "Hi daddy!" and so on. She was on her way to drop him off with the baby sitter - I pick him up from there tonight and have him till Tuesday night. I am guessing she was trying to throw a little peace offering out there (perhaps?) so that I will let her talk to him/see him while I have him this weekend and beyond. I think I'm going to pass on that. Like I said, I think I am winding down the emotional subsidies until I think we are BOTH at a point that we want to work on the R -- if that point ever comes.

Crimson
_________________________
M: 40/W: 40
T:8 M:6
S: 3
Bomb: 9/10/11
W Files: 9/22/11
D: 7/12
W Moves out: 11/10/11

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#2246336 - 05/18/12 10:45 AM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1144
I meant separate my wife from HER lawyer^^^^^^
_________________________
M: 40/W: 40
T:8 M:6
S: 3
Bomb: 9/10/11
W Files: 9/22/11
D: 7/12
W Moves out: 11/10/11

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#2246338 - 05/18/12 10:49 AM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/12
Posts: 934
Good for you for not answering.

You say "peace offering," I say "manipulating." Potato, potahto.

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#2246432 - 05/18/12 02:25 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: vera be fierce]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1144
Soooo, about an hour after her first call I saw her work number flashing on my phone again. And, like the first time, I did not pick up.

She left about a minute long message - initially letting me know that the baby had a runny nose and cold, asking if I had experienced any problems with him pooping, and so on.

Then she said "I'm kind of bummed out that we're back to square one again and not communicating. I'm hoping we can at least communicate about the baby". She sounded rather sad in tone.

I'm still not biting - I think I am going to hold my ground this weekend and not reach out unless it is a for SURE emergency.

I didn't put us here at square one again - I honestly think her inability at the moment to be civil did - not to be casting blame, but even though I have my role in ALL of this I really did my best to be open, available and communicative. I don't want to play games - but I think it is long overdue for her to feel the backlash of everything that is going on. I am not going to absorb any more of it for her.

Just found it interesting that she called TWICE this morning. In all honestly, I wouldn't even know what to say to her right now.
_________________________
M: 40/W: 40
T:8 M:6
S: 3
Bomb: 9/10/11
W Files: 9/22/11
D: 7/12
W Moves out: 11/10/11

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#2246435 - 05/18/12 02:31 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2446
Loc: Piney Land
Hard stuff man. Don't let the anger get to you. keep moving forward
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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#2246446 - 05/18/12 02:54 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Rick1963]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/12
Posts: 934
Could you maybe reply with a simple text or email saying you didn't notice any "poo" problems and leave it at that (since it is about your child's health, though not an emergency?) Just a thought. I don't have kids so I'm not up on what constitutes a poo emergency.

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#2246453 - 05/18/12 03:09 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: vera be fierce]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Quote:
She left about a minute long message - initially letting me know that the baby had a runny nose and cold, asking if I had experienced any problems with him pooping, and so on.

Then she said "I'm kind of bummed out that we're back to square one again and not communicating. I'm hoping we can at least communicate about the baby". She sounded rather sad in tone.

I'm still not biting - I think I am going to hold my ground this weekend and not reach out unless it is a for SURE emergency.


Crimson, here is where I think you have your opportunity to set your boundary by telling your W that you will only communicate with her regarding matters relating to your S. This way you don't come across as a vindictive jackass. I'm not saying you are. Just establish that boundary and enforce it.
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2246455 - 05/18/12 03:13 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: vera be fierce]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
You desperately wanted her to tell you what "working on the R" meant to her...

Let her SHOW you...

It's hard not to reach out when there's an appeal like that, as it appears valid, in that it's about the kid...

but, she said something that I see few WAS making the mistake of... she said she wanted to communicate, even if it was about the baby...

The baby is an excuse... I'm sorry if that sounds harsh... but she's clear it's not about the baby... it's about communicating...

Make your choice... but as I said, she needs to SHOW you...

just as YOU need to SHOW HER... your intentions... and boundaries...

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#2246479 - 05/18/12 04:17 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: ~ kd ~]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1144
As far as the baby goes, she knows very well that I can handle him with a cold/runny nose. Furthermore, she texted much earlier in the week about his pooping and I responded very briefly then. None of what she is reaching out about is critical at all -ergo, no response is needed as far as I see it. These are all existing issues that we both know how to handle rather well.

I don't think I am being vindictive 2TP - at least I hope not. After she told me the week before last that we "shouldn't communicate until after our legal proceedings were over" I send her an e-mail accepting her request and told her that "I would not contact her unless it was about the baby and only if urgent". I think I did an adequate job letting that boundary be known.

If I had to guess (and I admit this is a very self-serving conclusion) I would say she doesn't want to be too removed from the baby while I have him for the next several days, and I have typically gone out of my way to share my time so she doesn't have to miss him as much. Done. I am done with that for now.

I agree with you, KD - I think this is about communicating and/or wanting to communicate on some level as well.

If I think about it honestly, there has never really been a need on her end to work on the R, because I have been doing it for her. Providing her with evertyhing she needs/wants during this separation without asking for anything in return. I share the baby, I help her when she needs me, I babysit when she needs to go out with friends, I share pictures and voice notes from the baby, I let her Skype with him till her heart is content, I've asked her to do things.....really, what has she HAD to do to work on the R? I am kind of in a mindset at this point that if she doesn't like where this is going - then she can work on things in her way if she wants to - then maybe I will re-enagage. Otherwise - this is LITERALLY what divorced life is like as far as I see it. You don't get your kid when you want him, you don't get everything you want out of the settlement, you don't have all the flexibility you want with vacations and other things, and eventually - you will lose a lot of financial flexibility as well.

I don't mean to sound angry....I'm just kind of exhausted and don't know what else to do. What I have been trying surely does not work.

Crimson
_________________________
M: 40/W: 40
T:8 M:6
S: 3
Bomb: 9/10/11
W Files: 9/22/11
D: 7/12
W Moves out: 11/10/11

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