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#2246453 - 05/18/12 07:09 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: vera be fierce]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Quote:
She left about a minute long message - initially letting me know that the baby had a runny nose and cold, asking if I had experienced any problems with him pooping, and so on.

Then she said "I'm kind of bummed out that we're back to square one again and not communicating. I'm hoping we can at least communicate about the baby". She sounded rather sad in tone.

I'm still not biting - I think I am going to hold my ground this weekend and not reach out unless it is a for SURE emergency.


Crimson, here is where I think you have your opportunity to set your boundary by telling your W that you will only communicate with her regarding matters relating to your S. This way you don't come across as a vindictive jackass. I'm not saying you are. Just establish that boundary and enforce it.
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2246455 - 05/18/12 07:13 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: vera be fierce]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
You desperately wanted her to tell you what "working on the R" meant to her...

Let her SHOW you...

It's hard not to reach out when there's an appeal like that, as it appears valid, in that it's about the kid...

but, she said something that I see few WAS making the mistake of... she said she wanted to communicate, even if it was about the baby...

The baby is an excuse... I'm sorry if that sounds harsh... but she's clear it's not about the baby... it's about communicating...

Make your choice... but as I said, she needs to SHOW you...

just as YOU need to SHOW HER... your intentions... and boundaries...

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#2246479 - 05/18/12 08:17 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: ~ kd ~]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1295
As far as the baby goes, she knows very well that I can handle him with a cold/runny nose. Furthermore, she texted much earlier in the week about his pooping and I responded very briefly then. None of what she is reaching out about is critical at all -ergo, no response is needed as far as I see it. These are all existing issues that we both know how to handle rather well.

I don't think I am being vindictive 2TP - at least I hope not. After she told me the week before last that we "shouldn't communicate until after our legal proceedings were over" I send her an e-mail accepting her request and told her that "I would not contact her unless it was about the baby and only if urgent". I think I did an adequate job letting that boundary be known.

If I had to guess (and I admit this is a very self-serving conclusion) I would say she doesn't want to be too removed from the baby while I have him for the next several days, and I have typically gone out of my way to share my time so she doesn't have to miss him as much. Done. I am done with that for now.

I agree with you, KD - I think this is about communicating and/or wanting to communicate on some level as well.

If I think about it honestly, there has never really been a need on her end to work on the R, because I have been doing it for her. Providing her with evertyhing she needs/wants during this separation without asking for anything in return. I share the baby, I help her when she needs me, I babysit when she needs to go out with friends, I share pictures and voice notes from the baby, I let her Skype with him till her heart is content, I've asked her to do things.....really, what has she HAD to do to work on the R? I am kind of in a mindset at this point that if she doesn't like where this is going - then she can work on things in her way if she wants to - then maybe I will re-enagage. Otherwise - this is LITERALLY what divorced life is like as far as I see it. You don't get your kid when you want him, you don't get everything you want out of the settlement, you don't have all the flexibility you want with vacations and other things, and eventually - you will lose a lot of financial flexibility as well.

I don't mean to sound angry....I'm just kind of exhausted and don't know what else to do. What I have been trying surely does not work.

Crimson

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#2246493 - 05/18/12 08:53 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
My personal opinion is that I think you are in a good frame of mind and perspective now. Just self check now and then that your actions aren't spiteful.

It is what it is...

My own sitch, I've been doing my best to be accommodating... perhaps a doormat, although to a much lesser degree than ever before...

In the end, in my case... "we" have been all over the place as far as trying to be flexible with schedules... that's not worked for "us"... (and by that, I mean me...) and my W has conceded same.

So we have a basis for which to settle into... and then once we have figured that out... we can introduce some variety into the schedule... and possibly into the R...

But things need to bake as they are, for now...

I suspect the same is necessary for your sitch...

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#2246496 - 05/18/12 08:58 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
sandi2 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/28/07
Posts: 11051
WELL IT'S ABOUT TIME!!!

No, you're not being vindictive and yes, she's using the baby, and no, DO NOT RESPOND TO HER COMMENT ABOUT "COMMUNICATING"! PLEASE!

If you are serious about dropping the rope, then don't respond to her tricks. Dropping the rope means that you aren't trying to show her in anything. Showtime is over! You don't care if she thinks you're pi$$ed or a jackass or whatever. And as far as an opportunity......(come on, 2thepoint) dropping the rope is not about taking opportunities or trying to show her your boundaries. You let go of the darn rope and let it drop in the sand, not use it to draw a line in the sand.

Don't let anyone talk you into responding to her. I'm telling you that you're doing the right thing. And I think it's okay to feel angry. If that's what it takes to stop you from going all (in Pup's famous words) melty-man. It's the first time you've had the spunk not to give in whenever she'd send you a picture of S. So, it didn't work. Next, she'll try something else. Probably try to make you feel guilty for not responding and asking about S. Want to make a little bet?
_________________________
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!

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#2246498 - 05/18/12 09:08 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
zig Offline
Member

Registered: 02/22/12
Posts: 1855
Loc: KS
crimson - do you meditate?

i hope i don't come across as too critical, but to me it sounds as if you are both using the baby in your tug of war. you're both very angry at each other and from all you've written today, all i hear is wait until i get that baby , she's not getting anywhere near it.

please try and see this from a slightly different perspective. imagine if your baby was , say 10 or 12 yrs - the child would be picking up big time on this energy. i believe very strongly that most people don't realize that babies too pick up on these energies, no matter how you think you are hiding them.

i know you are hurting really bad right now - i imagine all the pain that you have been holding in since all this started, is cascading up and out, but you do have a baby, and you are BOTH that baby's parents.

i would like to ask you to be generous in this - to the point and beyond of altruism. if you need to fight over something, or hold on to something, choose something else, not your child.

i know this next bit will be hard to hear, but try to find some compassion for your wife right now, and more importantly for yourself. see how you are BOTH hurting - her anger is a front for deep pain and so is yours. it will give you a little peace, if not a lot, to go to that place inside yourself and say - 'we are both humans that err, and hurt and do stupid crazy sh$t, and there are no rules that say one person cannot do more crazy stuff than another"

give yourself that gift right now - force it on yourself , so that you can already begin your path to healing from these recent events

i hope you have a beautiful time with your s when you pick him up today - just allow his beautiful innocent energy to envelope you and while you hold him in your arms, send a warm loving thought to your wife, appreciating how because of her, you get to hold and have this child and then forgive her a little - it will make you feel so much better.

zig
_________________________
me 46 H 38
M10yrs T 11
S10
BD ow 8/11
h filed 9/25/12


"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"


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#2246503 - 05/18/12 09:21 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: sandi2]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1295
I will not make that bet, Sandi - because I fully expect her to text or SOMETHING this weekend (my guess is she'll ask "how's my BB doing?") and I am not going to respond. At all. Then she will text - probably pissed - that she is "disappointed" that I have not kept her in the loop about the baby and that she "hoped that we could be amicable". Just a guess, though.

Again - if she wants things to be better than this SHE can work on it. And yes, I know it will come back to bite me - she won't text pictures to me and I won't get to hear from him at all when I don't have him - I'm going to have to accept that.

For now, I am done. In a week, a month - who knows - but today I have kind of had it. I have worked too hard for her to tell me she "doesn't trust me", that "I am being manipulative", that my "flexibility has conditions"....and that "this is coming from a man who says he loves his wife and son". Too much for me right now....that pretty much tore it.

How do YOU think she will respond, Sandi??? Because if I can make it to Tuesday without talking to her I am going to do just that.

Crimson

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#2246512 - 05/18/12 09:43 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
vera be fierce Offline
Member

Registered: 04/24/12
Posts: 934
You sound a lot stronger than you did not so long ago. The transformation is very evident in this thread alone. Again, you know your situation best. You have clarified that not responding works for you. It's great to see you stating what YOU need to do for YOU.

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#2246515 - 05/18/12 09:48 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
bustorama Offline
Member

Registered: 06/26/10
Posts: 519
She'll get angry. She may get sad/tears. She will hurt. What's happening now is not her vision of how she wanted things to be. The same that it is not your vision of how you wanted things to be. Very emotional and painful time for both of you.

It's healthy to take this time to yourself to heal, not unleash, lash out, or ruminate angrily on her. Bond with your S.

I agree with Sandi that you should not get drawn into a conversation with her or have her reaction be a concern of yours.

If she keeps calling you over and over about non-emergent things with the S and crossing your boundary, you perhaps can restate your boundary as civilly as you can ONCE and only ONCE. "W, we agreed before not to talk unless it was an emergency related to our S until the D proceedings are done. That is what is best for me right now, and I am going to stick with it. I would appreciate it if you did the same. If you call about non-emergency things, I won't respond."

If you do this, it should be for YOU, not for HER (i.e., because her calling you about non-emergency things is stressful for you and makes it hard for you to detach from the situation, not because you are concerned about the effect you not responding has on her).
_________________________
Me-41
W-37
D10, D6, D3
T-Since 12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing begins-04/2011
Now-back together
My Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304

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#2246517 - 05/18/12 09:51 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: bustorama]
bustorama Offline
Member

Registered: 06/26/10
Posts: 519
It sounds like you are ok with not responding at all right now, though. She may (will) get more persistent in testing this boundary, so think ahead about how you will cope with or handle this to keep enforcing your boundary.
_________________________
Me-41
W-37
D10, D6, D3
T-Since 12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing begins-04/2011
Now-back together
My Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304

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