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#2244895 - 05/13/12 11:13 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
No "smack" from me, Crimson. Mothers Day comes but one time each year, and whether or not you remain married to your W, she will forever be your Son's mother.

FWIW, I too gave my W a card as well as a 4 picture framed collage of the boys. I also cooked on the grill today. Some may call it pursuit but to my mind, my W is the mother of my children and regardless of what is going between us, she still deserves to be celebrated for the mother that she is.
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2244940 - 05/14/12 02:55 AM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: ]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1307
Well, she seemed to like the plate a lot....loved it actually. It looked very much like a two-year-old painted it. He also made her an apron with his hand and footprints on it at school.

She dropped s off at the house and gave me the gratitude letter she has been writing. I have not read it yet because I figured I would be emotional afterwards and thought it best to put the baby to sleep first......don't want him to see daddy blubbering!!

I'm sure I will post about it.

Crimson

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#2245025 - 05/14/12 02:06 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1307
So I read the letter.

It was about 5 beautiful pages of all of the reasons/things she is grateful for about me and what we have been through. I cried.

She talked about becoming a mother, sharing our childhoods, how I taught her unconditional love in a relationship for the first time, how surreal it was when I proposed because she "never thought things like that would happen to her".

Hell, I am getting choked up just rehashing it. I only read it once. It's a tad too emotional to revisit a bunch of time.

If you read it, you wouldn't think it was from the perspective of a woman that wanted to divorce the man she was writing about - and that's me being objective. I just don't understand.

There was no "I am glad we can be friends" or any mention of the divorce, nothing. Just pages of appreciation, memories and kindness.

It's so confusing. I just don't know what she seems intent on this thing. Today is going to be rough.

Crimson

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#2245063 - 05/14/12 03:50 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
Life is about our personal experiences...

and not about any expectations of our presence in the experience of others...

So when we have a complaint about OUR life... we express it from OUR perspective simply as a statement...

When you wrote your letter (there was more, wasn't there) it was to be from your experience with no expectations regarding your W's reaction to it... of course, that wasn't quite the case, was it...?

Your W's letter SHOULD have been written from her experience, with no expectations of how it would affect you and what your reaction might be...

So do your very best to consider that and act accordingly...

It is very possible that your W is expecting you to react by going back into pursuit mode...

or... she may be expecting you to not react...

I think she's expecting the former... but that's irrelevant...

honour her letter as something she wanted to express... nothing more... nothing less... and she's not hoping that you are going to smother her, again...

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#2245113 - 05/14/12 07:03 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: ~ kd ~]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1307
I'm not going to use it as a platform to pursue. I thanked her for it and that was about it. No plan of increasing contact at all.

I let one of my best friends read it - and it confused them as well. So many positives called out - so many things that liked/likes in me. Hard to see how that transaltes into divorce. I mean really, it was a heart-felt letter about how much better I have made her life. This is something that is not meant for me to understand.

We have the settlement hearing in an hour and a half. The first real legal face-off in this whole process (that makes the letter even HARDER to digest). I am a bundle of nerves at the moment and pray to God that I hold my sh*t together during the hearing. Already I can feel my emotions getting the better of me. I am dreading this more than anything in recent memory. To think that she has a L there to protect her from ME?? I struggle with that a lot.

Oh well - just venting I guess.I just want today to be over.

Crimson

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#2245133 - 05/14/12 08:19 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
bustorama Offline
Member

Registered: 06/26/10
Posts: 519
The L are not just there to protect her from you (or vice versa), it's also to protect you from yourselves. That you don't act from feelings (of guilt, remorse, martyrdom, etc.) and hurt yourselves or your S in the process. Best of luck for mutual peace and amicability in your hearing.

The WAS are typically confused and conflicted, so their behavior makes little sense from the outside. It makes perfect sense from their perspective, though, because it reflects how they feel at that moment in time. When you lead (and accept) by removing yourself from the equation, clarity often follows for them. It's either what they really wanted or not what they really wanted. And they act accordingly.

The longer you stay in the equation, the longer the confusion/limbo/pain goes on for all of you (W, S and you). When you detach yourself emotionally (and/or physically) from the relationship, you allow yourself to see all kinds of great things and opportunities in your life that have been eclipsed by the focus on the R. And you lovingly accept your W's confusion.

Don't smother your lovely W:



Show her your greatest love, by accepting her confusion and ongoing decision to divorce you. Find your way, as she finds hers.

_________________________
Me-41
W-37
D10, D6, D3
T-Since 12/2001
Married-9/2004
She Moved Out-5/28/2010
Piecing begins-04/2011
Now-back together
My Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304

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#2245184 - 05/14/12 11:09 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: bustorama]
sayitaintso Offline
Member

Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 951
Great Post Busto, thanks.
_________________________
Me- 34 W-33
S15 S10 S6
Married- 11 Together- 18
Bomb- 6-2011
WAW moves out- 8-2011

"Nothing in the Universe can stop you from letting go and starting over at anytime"- Guy Finley

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#2245187 - 05/14/12 11:29 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: sayitaintso]
jks Offline
Member

Registered: 03/08/12
Posts: 623
Loc: USA
Loved your post, Busto!!
_________________________
Me: 32 H: 32
M 9 yrs
#1 D7 #2 S5 #3 D2
Bomb 8/12/11
H moved out 8/14/11
PA started w/H & OW in 1/12 - found out 3/24/12
Got my own place 8/25/12
H & OW move in together 9/15/12
Still married.



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#2245767 - 05/16/12 08:36 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
Hey Crimson, how did it go at the hearing? I hope you are doing well and holding it together. Let us know how you are doing when you are ready.
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2245795 - 05/16/12 10:04 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: 2thepoint]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1307
Not well. It was painful for both of us and I think she was not happy with all of the outcome. I don't know what she was expecting. Hell, I wasn't happy with it either. That typically means the mediator did a good job.

She is angry. She is angry about the settlement and she is angry that I am not willing to let her have S for 19 days to take out of town to see her friends and family in IA. If she is not willing to work on R or at least tell me what "being open" to working on R is for her - then I suggested we stick with the time that was set forth by the court. It sets boundaries. She immediately said that she always suspected that my flexibility had conditions - rather angrily. She unloaded on me in e-mail. Saying that she questions my motives, and that that hearing made that even worse (based off of some of the back and forth and bargaining between lawyers - it's an ugly process....I don't know what she expected). Quote from her e-mail:

"The judge (she meant mediator) basically told me I was wasting my time and just wracking up attorney fees to even try to negotiate with you because she felt you were not reasonable at all. This is the man that loves his wife and son….."

That's how she ended it. I didn't reply. The e-mail was mean, accusatory and uncalled for. I did not deserve that.

I have grown leaps and bounds trying to be a better man, husband, and father. And if she STILL thinks that everything I do is a tactic or ploy - that's on her. It's her loss. It's as if she loses it every time she doesn't get 100% her way in this (settlement, trip to IA). Again, I don't kow what she expected from this process. I told her from day one that EVERYONE loses in this....me, her AND our son. I have been trying to protect her from feeling the pain of her decision to the extent that I can. Bought her things for house, give her time with S that's mine, always available...and so on. And still she thinks so poorly of me. I'm done for awhile, if not forever. She can live with the decision(s) she made and all of the negative consequences that come with it. I am done being the shield.

I know I am just a little angry right now and venting, so I will probably feel different/better tomorrow - but it just feels like she is lost, confused, wanting everything and giving nothing, and taking her anger out on me while owning no responsibility for her actions. Divorce was her idea and her wish - not mine.

Sorry for the crappy tone. Just worn out today.

Crimson

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