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#2244759 - 05/12/12 07:47 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: ~ kd ~]
gabbysmom23 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/31/08
Posts: 5131
Loc: NJ
Your wife hasn't taken owner ship in anything. Your right, she has not taken a look inward.

She is completely mind f'ing you with Inge like saying no contact and then sending pictures of son.

She crosses all boundaries yet you can't make a peep without her saying your pressuring her.

She crosses boundaries because you have absolutely none with her. You go with whatever she does no whatever emotion SHE is having.

MLC or no MLC. Your going to get no where if she keeps controlling your everything.


Let go no get out of her mind.

Harsh agin, I know, and I'm sorry,

But You are refusing to control what you do have control over.

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#2244843 - 05/13/12 11:10 AM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: gabbysmom23]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1153
Tough one today - Mother's Day. We have usually been going to church on Sundays. It's starts in an hour and I am dressed to go - but still not sure if I can. I figure that it's a 180 I am trying to do - for me. So I don't think I am going to let her factor in. Church is neutral ground and if ever I needed a boost from God, it is now. Don't even know if she will be there - but my heart is telling me to go either way.

Happy Mother's Day, ladies - you are all doing your best and your kids love you.

Crimson
_________________________
M: 40/W: 40
T:8 M:6
S: 3
Bomb: 9/10/11
W Files: 9/22/11
D: 7/12
W Moves out: 11/10/11

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#2244880 - 05/13/12 04:36 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1153
Well, went to church and when I arrived she wasn't there. I took my usual seat and just before the service began she showed up and sat down right next to me. It was the first time we had communicated since the phone call on my way to work on Friday.

I'm sure I'll probably get a smack in the mouth from the board on this, but I DID give her a Mother's Day card. I wrote a nice note to her from the perspective of our son and then a quick blurb from me (nothing romantic in the least). We both enjoyed the message and then went to the nursery to pick up our S. I hadn't seen him since Tuesday. He saw me peek in and ran right at me with his arms out saying "daddy! daddy! daddy! daddy!" - I scooped him up - that totally made my day. W asked me to walk with him while she went to the chapel to say her prayers - so we spent a little bit of time together in the courtyard (he loves to put his hands in the fountains). W came back, we walked to her car - I strapped s in and said good-bye. W said thank you for the card and making Mother's Day special. We exchange a quick, non-romantic hug and that was it.

Maybe that violates going "gray" but I woke up this morning with a mindset of "eff it". I know this won't change anything, it won't stop the divorce - nothing will. But for one reason or another my heart felt compelled to get up, get her that card and go to church. GM - you mentioned to stop with the rules and tactics and just live - well, that is what I decided to do this morning.

I also had a quick inspiring moment with the spouse of a co-worker last night who knows my situation. He, too, is a new father. He just patted me on the back and said "do the right things and things will be alright". Simple, some may call it cliche, but it that moment - coming from him it actually seemed to mean something. Despite her saying we shouldn't communicate until after the proceedings are over, the card (and I've decided to give her the plate we made for her last weekend) seemed and felt like the right thing to do - regardless if it gets me one step closer to saving my marriage.

I am a different man, and I am going to do my best to live the changes that I needed to make at all times. W or not.

Crimson
_________________________
M: 40/W: 40
T:8 M:6
S: 3
Bomb: 9/10/11
W Files: 9/22/11
D: 7/12
W Moves out: 11/10/11

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#2244882 - 05/13/12 04:47 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
25yearsmlc Offline
Member

Registered: 04/03/06
Posts: 9931
Loc: west coast
I think you did great Crimson.

For all our analysis & microscopic staring, sometimes it's just as your friend & new father says,

do the right thing, hope for the best & let it go.

In the end, at best--all we can do is our best. I think you are doing that.


That just has to be enough (b/c what else can you do now?)

Good job.
_________________________
m:51 H:55
M: 30 yrs
S25,D23,D15
H goes ALASKAN, solo,2005
I file Sep 2/06
Piecing 7/07
Retrovaille Weekend 8/08
M Restored 8/08

Be Happy OR be "Right"

FORGIVENESS: Your way out of hell

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#2244884 - 05/13/12 04:49 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: 25yearsmlc]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1153
Thanks, 25.....thought you had left me there for awhile! smile As you can see, it has been a bumpy two weeks.

Thanks for weighing in -

Crimson
_________________________
M: 40/W: 40
T:8 M:6
S: 3
Bomb: 9/10/11
W Files: 9/22/11
D: 7/12
W Moves out: 11/10/11

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#2244895 - 05/13/12 07:13 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
2thepoint Offline
Member

Registered: 09/30/11
Posts: 1692
No "smack" from me, Crimson. Mothers Day comes but one time each year, and whether or not you remain married to your W, she will forever be your Son's mother.

FWIW, I too gave my W a card as well as a 4 picture framed collage of the boys. I also cooked on the grill today. Some may call it pursuit but to my mind, my W is the mother of my children and regardless of what is going between us, she still deserves to be celebrated for the mother that she is.
_________________________
Me48 W50 S15 S11
M20 T23
Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11

It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.

Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife

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#2244910 - 05/13/12 08:08 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: 2thepoint]
gabbysmom23 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/31/08
Posts: 5131
Loc: NJ
You did the right thing. I hand it to the dads who are going through what they are, still know to honor the mother of their kids.

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#2244940 - 05/13/12 10:55 PM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: gabbysmom23]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1153
Well, she seemed to like the plate a lot....loved it actually. It looked very much like a two-year-old painted it. He also made her an apron with his hand and footprints on it at school.

She dropped s off at the house and gave me the gratitude letter she has been writing. I have not read it yet because I figured I would be emotional afterwards and thought it best to put the baby to sleep first......don't want him to see daddy blubbering!!

I'm sure I will post about it.

Crimson
_________________________
M: 40/W: 40
T:8 M:6
S: 3
Bomb: 9/10/11
W Files: 9/22/11
D: 7/12
W Moves out: 11/10/11

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#2245025 - 05/14/12 10:06 AM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
Crimson Offline
Member

Registered: 11/16/11
Posts: 1153
So I read the letter.

It was about 5 beautiful pages of all of the reasons/things she is grateful for about me and what we have been through. I cried.

She talked about becoming a mother, sharing our childhoods, how I taught her unconditional love in a relationship for the first time, how surreal it was when I proposed because she "never thought things like that would happen to her".

Hell, I am getting choked up just rehashing it. I only read it once. It's a tad too emotional to revisit a bunch of time.

If you read it, you wouldn't think it was from the perspective of a woman that wanted to divorce the man she was writing about - and that's me being objective. I just don't understand.

There was no "I am glad we can be friends" or any mention of the divorce, nothing. Just pages of appreciation, memories and kindness.

It's so confusing. I just don't know what she seems intent on this thing. Today is going to be rough.

Crimson
_________________________
M: 40/W: 40
T:8 M:6
S: 3
Bomb: 9/10/11
W Files: 9/22/11
D: 7/12
W Moves out: 11/10/11

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#2245063 - 05/14/12 11:50 AM Re: Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2 [Re: Crimson]
~ kd ~ Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/11
Posts: 4866
Loc: Canoe'k-land
Life is about our personal experiences...

and not about any expectations of our presence in the experience of others...

So when we have a complaint about OUR life... we express it from OUR perspective simply as a statement...

When you wrote your letter (there was more, wasn't there) it was to be from your experience with no expectations regarding your W's reaction to it... of course, that wasn't quite the case, was it...?

Your W's letter SHOULD have been written from her experience, with no expectations of how it would affect you and what your reaction might be...

So do your very best to consider that and act accordingly...

It is very possible that your W is expecting you to react by going back into pursuit mode...

or... she may be expecting you to not react...

I think she's expecting the former... but that's irrelevant...

honour her letter as something she wanted to express... nothing more... nothing less... and she's not hoping that you are going to smother her, again...

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