My wife is leaving (left) me....Part 2

[heartbrokeinsd]

tg-

it is funny that you say this. i was thinking about on my run. i am happy with the fact that i didnt get mad. however, i am not proud of saying thank you. it was very disrespectful. i am court ordered to these meetings. if i miss, i go to jail. she does this stuff all the time. i would get mad because i felt disrespected. she knows how long it takes her to get ready, yet me n the kids usually are stnding around waiting on her. we r pretty much late to everything. her mom is the same way, and they were together. i do feel like it was done on purpose, to get a rise out of me. she is no longer going to get tat satisfaction. she uses it for ammo on why she is right in leaving.

i do however need to have some firm boundries. i need to stick to them, yet not be spiteful. i will search for the stuff you mentioned. oh..im a giver. you got it right. i give because i enjoy it. not because im trying to impress or get thanked. i have been thinkin about taking a little tho. i am going to start with my self respect. that i will take back

[labug]

It's not the emotion you have to worry about but rather your reaction to the emotion.

You should experience all your emotions, you can't deaden one and not affect the others.

I just read this a few days ago: the question isn’t how to let go of anger and feel peace, peace, peace; it’s how to manage one’s daily anger without turning into an emotional Hulk.

[heartbrokeinsd]

so another day to go thru. yippee. W didnt call the kids last night. i didnt expect her to. kinda worries me. in our separation agreement we are both sdupposed to have frequent contact with the children. she has not done that yet. makes me wonder if she is going to follow the agreement at all. im not getting worked up over it though. just thoughts that i have.

on the plus side. my house is still clean. my S is even helping clean up supper. the kids and i have been having a pretty good time together. i am enjoying that. im pretty sure her mom leaves today. we will see if she contacts the kids now that she is "alone". it doesnt matter to me really. i cannot keep letting her have power over how i think and act. when she wants to talk, maybe i will. i cant say until that actually happens.

[labug]

Keep this is mind:

i cannot keep letting her have power over how i think and act.

[heartbrokeinsd]

i am back in a funk. uuggghh. i read others posts, and i start thinking about my sitch. this grieving process is miserable. its like being on a merry go round. except it isnt to merry. there is alot of useful info here. i am really trying to take it in and practice it in my life. i just have to give up. my W fired me. my R is over. i need to quit hanging on. i need to move on. maybe then we could talk normally. or just talk. she seems so happy being gone. that must mean this was right for her. i will always love her. i guess i cant be with her. detach detach detach.

i wonder why i have problems forgiving myself. she doesnt forgive me. maybe i feel like im not worthy of it. some days i feel fine with it. then i see saw back. i feel like i take 1 step forward and 1 step back. going nowhere.

[scaredsilly]

Have faith. It hasn't been that long since your separation. It gets better.

[MrBond]

Step away for a bit. Go outside and just take a deep breath. Let all the fear, stress and anxiety leave you with each exhale. Clear your mind and over time it starts to get better.

[heartbrokeinsd]

bond-

thats why i like running. i concentrate on breathing and stuff. cant think about how bad things are.

i have been reading your threads starting when you first posted. theres alot to read. was wondering if you could summarize your sitch for me. if not thats ok too.

scaredsilly-
thanks for the words. does it really get any better?

i have been thinking alot today. why is it that i have to do all this work to get her back. she is the one who is unhappy with her life. she doesnt appear to be doing anything about it. dont get me wrong. im all about peronal improvement. my question is, if i am a man only a fool would leave, and she does nothing to changee herself, wouldnt i be a fool to try to R? why do WAS have all this power? they point out stuff that is bad about LBS, but ignore the 3 fingers pointing back at them. i am not making changes for her, but it doesnt appear she is changing at all. i see all these LBS working really hard on themselves, while WAS do whatever they want, with no thought for others. kids, spouses, or themselves. i know life isnt fair, but c'mon..really? thats one of my top 2 fears. she will do nothing to change, and i will want nothing to do with her. number 1 fear is, no matter how much better of a person i am, i will never have my famiy back. thats what keeps me awake at night, those 2 things

[labug]

It does get better. Soon it will be 2 steps forward and 1 step back.

Look at what you've already done.

YOU GOT SOBER! That's huge.

Keep working on you. You can do this.

[MrBond]

I'll jot down my story when I have a chance. It's pretty long.

"why is it that i have to do all this work to get her back."

Because you are the one who wants her back.

"she is the one who is unhappy with her life. she doesnt appear to be doing anything about it."

Yes she is. She's divorcing you. She sees you as the source of her unhappiness so she's leaving.

"dont get me wrong. im all about peronal improvement. my question is, if i am a man only a fool would leave, and she does nothing to changee herself, wouldnt i be a fool to try to R?"

Because you're only like this NOW. She spent years putting up with your bad behavior now. Just because you feel like you're ready doesn't mean that she has to feel it. Why should she go according to YOUR timetable?

"why do WAS have all this power?"

Before she left, you had the power. You did whatever you wanted to do and didn't care about her feelings much like how she's treating you now.

"they point out stuff that is bad about LBS, but ignore the 3 fingers pointing back at them."

That's a matter of perspective. I'm sure before she left and you were behaving your worst, you had three fingers pointed at you. But you didn't care.

"i am not making changes for her, but it doesnt appear she is changing at all."

Again, why should she change when her primary reason for leaving was your past bad behavior?

"i see all these LBS working really hard on themselves, while WAS do whatever they want, with no thought for others. kids, spouses, or themselves."

Weren't you like this too? Again it's a matter of perspective. This is all how you feel, not her. In her eyes she's protecting the kids from you and the hurt you've caused. Let's be perfectly clear. Your W didn't just wake up one day and said she wanted a D. She put up with alot of stuff and when she couldn't take it any longer, then she started thinking about D.

i know life isnt fair, but c'mon..really? thats one of my top 2 fears. she will do nothing to change, and i will want nothing to do with her. number 1 fear is, no matter how much better of a person i am, i will never have my famiy back."

Those fears are totally irrational. Again, she left you because she didn't like you. Period. That's how she sees it. If you're afraid that no matter how good of a person you are, your family won't come back, then you aren't doing any changes for yourself. The changes are to help you rebuild your self-esteem. Get that part of you back and you'll get stronger.